I have been here at HH for two years now, and this is one of the best posts I have ever read. Cat, I hope it is ok, I am re-posting it, and I thank you very much.

Hopearoo





(((Ka))) November 23 2007, 4:47 PM


I am so glad you are ok. Whew!!!! Your H is trying to do everything right, the operative word being trying. I thank God and raise my hands in praise that he is for there is hope of a future for you two. The emotions you are going through, although painful at time and confusion all of the time are to be expected. It is part of rebuilding and recovering.

This and something I heard the other day has stirred a memory from many years ago when I was a pharmacy technician. The satellite I work in was next to the Burn ICU. I ended up consoling a father. His daughter had been brought in with burns and screaming in pain. He was quite distraught that there was nothing he could do and it was breaking his heart to hear he in such pain. I remember telling him that hearing her screams was the best things possible right now. He looked at me as if I were totally off my rocker! I told him that what scared me the most was the patients that came in silent because that meant that the burns were deep and the damage the burns caused was so deep that they had reached and destroyed the nerve endings and the patient could no longer feel the pain so he should be glad she could still feel pain because that meant that the damage was not irrepairable. He found solace and strength in that, as should you.

Your burns will heal, the damage is not irrepairable, and that with time all that will be left are faint scars and a dim memory of the pain you once felt.

In many ways it scares me that I am no longer feeling the pain, just saddness and pity, yet I give thanks that I can still feel anything at all. As long as I can still feel something there is still hope, however dim.

I have received so much advice and many kind, encouraging words from those here at HH.  Thank you for letting me know that I have been able to return a portion of what I have received here.

Chris

Chris, your wise words truly touched my heart. Thanks for sharing them with us. This is what makes this board a family. People share their wisdom and their love and that is what helps us all to heal.

Beautiful, truly beautiful! Thank you.

EL

Cat,
What a powerful post!! Thank you Hope for re-posting it.

The traumatic trauma of an A cuts to the very core of ones soul. It is one of those situations that you could not explain to another unless they had lived it. The sad thing about infidelity is it is sensationalized in so many ways throughout society. People do want to have Affairs to experience the thrill and experience sex with other people. For the longest time my H couldn't understand why I didn't want to be with another and swore he would understand if I wanted to experience it.

He didn't understand that I had no urge to go there because I could foresee the consequences and wanted no part of it. When I watched a luring situation it didn't turn me on because I didn't want any part of it. My H on the other hand got drawn into the drama and could relate to the sensational feelings of it. He was open to fantasizing about having sex with another person.

What I learned is that my H was not on the same page as I was about monogamy. He lead a secret life behind my back and thought nothing of it. He believed, what I didn't know would never hurt me.

Recently his parents moved to the same city as us. Before this summer they lived 150 miles away. As I spent more and more time with them I grew to resent the environment they brought my H up in. I realized white lies are a way of life for them. They are old and do not communicate anything. They talk about each other behind the other's back and do not live in reality. My H grew up with the mind frame to act towards me in one way but live another way. For him it was a learned behavior from early on in his life.

The more time we get passed this the more I realize I had nothing to do with his thinking process. That part of him developed long before I came along.

After d day I was a lunatic in so much emotional pain that I was beside myself. When I think of the pain I know that I would never be capable of living that nightmare again. My body could not live through it again. To this day I am continuing to release myself of pain in different dimensions.

I am secure with my stand against infidelity and have things in perspective to a degree that is fulfilling to me.

Sorry I got a little off track.

The trauma of watching your child suffer in any way is very hard. Looking for the ray of hope in a horrible situation is such a good reaction. I remember thinking that H may of got caught up in the moment, then tried to convince himself the A was real, but deep down I thought he was a good man and would come to his senses. Like the intrusive scars from a terrible burn, time does relax the pain so we can live comfortably again. Standing strong behind your beliefs with a partner that is willing to come on board with you is worth while. The father may have felt helpless but his support in just being there was a form of love that is priceless.


Amber