Yesterday was mine and WH's 18 year wedding anniversary. Since we are separated I wasn't sure what we were going to do, if anything at all. I certainly did not feel like celebrating it...what's there to celebrate I thought?

Anyway, I came home from an appointment I had yesterday afternoon, only to find WH at our house, with flowers, a card and a present for me. In the card was an invitation to dinner...and the present was a Journey pendant. I thought to myself, how fitting, a journey pendant just when we are at the end of our journey together. So we went to dinner and we had a nice time. The food was great...and perhaps I had a little too much wine, lol.

When we got home I got out the Wedding Photos and showed them to him. Then WH asks me if I want him to stay the night. I told him no....but can we talk a little bit? He said he was tired. I said this is about the time you would normally come home so why are you tired? I know...he was avoiding "the talk". I asked him if he remembered our wedding song...he got it on the third try. I asked him if he and OW had a song or a song that remind him of OW...he said no...I said what about Pink Ployd's "I need a dirty girl"...he didnt say anything. Then I asked him if he and OW celebrated an anniversary...he said no. I guess after spending 5 years together I find it hard to believe they didn't have a "special" day or song. Then I broke down in tears. I told him that I feel the last 18 years were a waste of time...that being a good wife and mother didnt mean anything...that I never felt important to him....that something/someone else was always more important than me...the business, the OW, the pot! I told him that I dont understand how someone chooses a drug or brick and mortar over flesh and blood...he said I was wrong...he said that I kicked him out, that I made the choice, that I am the one who thinks he chose the drugs over me and the kids but that it's not true. I said he made the choice, not me. He chose to lie to me on d-day 2 and continued to lie to me for a whole year...that he had already chosen the pot then over me and the kids and thought what we didnt know wouldnt hurt us...but I knew...and it hurts...it hurts a lot! I said and you only proved it when you shoved the pot down your pants and walked out that door. I said that hurt, just like the cheating hurt...it was the same pain! He said he was sorry for hurting me. I said shooting me would have been more merciful. Again, he said he was sorry and tired. I said is hearing the truth painful is that why you want to leave...and he said maybe it is. I said you need to face it...this is reality...stop hiding behind the business, your A, and the pot! Deal with it...or it will always be there. I said I am flesh and blood...I have feelings...and I am in a lot of pain...and Im angry. Im angry that after 18 years of being loyal to you, loving you, this is how it ends...you choose the pot! I told him that he is also flesh and blood...that he is worth more than the pot. I said dont even bother coming over to see me or the kids when you're stoned because I will ask you to leave...if you are coming to see us we want to see you, all of you, not the pot! He said he understood that. Again, he said he had to go...he was tired...I said fine...I thanked him for the pendant, the flowers and dinner and kissed him good-bye. He said thank you for going to dinner with me, thank you for everything.

Last night I really showed him my pain, or at least I felt I did....I had not cried in front of him for awhile...I needed him to see it...to feel it...to understand it. I needed him to know even though we are separted he still has no right to come over stoned and expect to spend time with me and the kids. He needs to respect that and he needs to respect me!

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

((((((((((Cal)))))))))))))

I'm proud of your H for coming to you and wanting to mark the day. He remembered the anniversary and wanted to spend time with you. I don't know if he felt certain that you would want to do that. But I think the possibility that you wouldn't want to must have run through his mind, and I'm proud of the courage he would've needed to ask you to celebrate with you.

I'm proud of you (as I always am) of how you honestly and openly shared your thoughts and feelings with him. In the end, that's the greatest gift we can give to another: our true selves. There is nothing more precious.

I hope that, despite his being "tired" (and boy! have I heard that one, too!!!!!), that he really heard what you said and will take time to think through what it means to him on his journey.

We all walk our own path, and there are long stretches of that path we share with another. Its hard to understand what takes someone off the path, and harder still sometimes to find a way back in step with one another. The journey has twists and turns. Hard still to know what's around the next bend. I know you're stepping wisely, Cal. And I hear strength in those footsteps, too. I see that you still have space for your H on the path, if he can find the right road back. I wish you all good things, Cal, all good things. BlueIris

"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

Thank you for your loving post Blue Iris. I guess WH did take a risk and it must have been hard to show up with flowers and a gift in hand, not knowing how I would respond. I will give him credit for that. I wasn't even sure myself how I would feel until it happened. While I am glad that he wanted to celebrate, and I will admit it would have hurt me more had he not made an effort, it still hurt that he broke our vows and our anniversary is supposed to celebrate the keeping of the vows and remaining faithful in heart and spirit to one another. But that is no longer what it represents is it? He did not remain faithful on any level and had a long term A...another "relationship" outside of our marriage. That just crushes me. And all for what? To have someone to get stoned with...someone who approved of the pot, accepted it, and encouraged his use...to have a party buddy with benefits? He threw away what could have been a successful, until death do we part, grow old together, having wheathered the storms of life together, marriage for a drug enduced fantasyland...and even though he is supposidly not cheating, he is still throwing it all away. I will never understand that...not in a million years. I don't get it! I just don't. And honestly, I am tired of trying. It's his turn to "get it". But I doubt that will ever happen. You are right, there is room along the path for him....but you know what? I am not counting on him joining me. I am going to keep walking down that path....I am going to live my life....and I am not going to wait any longer. I have waited long enough...put my life on hold long enough...it is time to get on with it.

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Cal:

You did your part, you gave him the truth that you see. You corrected his rationalization that it was you who made the choice. You clarified that the only choice you made was that you will not accept addiction as the status quo.

Of course any change in his attitude is based on what he does with what he's been given. You have no control over that, only he does. Time is slipping by for him, so I hope he wakes up quickly.

In the end, you did your part. The only advice I would offer is that you should feel free to continue to do that, because the more he see's, the more clear the message will be and your ability to tell him what you see in ways that are clear to him will only improve.

TomJ

Dear, dear Cal,
I can hear the (very justifiable) anger and pain in your post but I also hear the voice of a woman who is getting stronger and stronger, a woman who has become her own saviour and who will ask for what she needs. I am so sorry for the pain but also amazed by how you have taken control of your life.
Infidelity really does suck. It is so unfair, so traumatic and so enduring in its effects. I have said or thought some version of your words many, many times.
In fact, last weekend, I had a similar need to have husband witness my pain. On Friday night (my birthday), we went out for dinner and I needed to tell him about what it was like to feel abandonned, to be waiting for phone calls, watching the clock, wandering the halls for all those years. I wanted him to know how lonely, hurt, sad and anxious I was every f-ing night. It felt like a new stage in the process of healing - I wasn't thinking about his sordid escapades, there were no movies playing - I just needed him to know what it felt like to be me. I had to stand up to the victimizer and tell him what being his victim felt like.
Maybe it was my transition from victim into someone else, someone like you, taking charge of my life.
Also, it does seem like the WS are remarkably similar in their desire to move on, end discussions, become "tired" when we bring up the subject. Mine, while very compassionate and loving, is forever urging me to look forward. He gets that pained look in his eyes and I know he is bracing himself for THE discussion.Sometimes he just doesn't get how much I need to process the past.
Despite it all, it does seem like your H was trying, in his way, to let you know that he cares. Maybe it was a first step towards "getting it." Maybe not. Either way, you are going to be OK because you have yourself, your children and all of us.

Tom,

Thank you for your reply. I always wonder if I am doing the right thing when I express myself. My IC seems to think it is a good idea to get it out, whether WH actually hears me or not. I think it is good too, but I always wonder about my so-called timing, lol. Was our anniversary the best time...but when si the right time? Should I have just acted like I enjoyed the night...when I was really in pain? Unfortunately it just all came pouring out...not planned or anything...just said exactly how I felt at the time, uncensored. Maybe that is for the best...how else is he supposed to know how much Im hurting if he never hears it or feels it. I really do feel I have done my part, and then some. I guess you could say as far as the marriage goes the ball is in his court. I layed it all out there for him...and I told him I will not wait forever...I really do believe I have waited long enough and have done all I can. Thank you for the validation


Susan,

BTW: Happy Belated Birthday!

Thank you for your kind reply. I am moving forward and I am going to live my life. Each day that WH is not here it gets a little easier to be without him. I have let go of wanting the marriage at all costs and sacraficing myself for it. No more! If he wants the marriage then he has to do the work. It is really that simple...either he does it or he does not. I know I will be OK no matter what he does and I am at peace with being alone for now. There is a sense of relief...and I have taken a lot of stress off of myself...and I know in my heart that asking him to leave was the right thing for me. While it hurt that he left the way he did....by shoving his stash down his pants and walking out the door, it speaks volumes as to where he really is...lost in the pot fog. Like I said before, I dont know how someone chooses a drug over flesh and blood... but he has. That is his choice and I have no control over it...and I have to let it go. I wish it were not the case though. But it really is a reflection of him, his values, his morals, and not whether or not I am a good wife and mother or not. It truly is all about HIM.

I did want to address a couple of things. You said that maybe this is the first step in him getting it and that he does seem to be trying to show me he cares. I do think he cares, but he cares more about the drugs. He wants both, his family and to contiue in his addiction. I think the gift and dinner was further manipulation. Meaning, I feel he is saying "look, life can be good with me, I can give you monitary gifts, like the necklace, but I can not give of myself or give up the pot. Accept it and lets move on." The problem is I cannot accept the pot, nor the lack of integrirty he has shown me with his continued lies. And the fact that he feels it's all no big deal, really shows me how far away he really is from "getting it".



~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Hello Dear Cal, Yes people say it is about WS getting it.  Yet I keep coming back to me.  I believ my wife gets it as much as she, or perhaps any WS can.  She is the one with tears.  Yet, despite her and her problems there is me and mine.  For some reason it is the BS who also gets it in their own way.  I feel I have seen her and us much more clearly now and don't like the real relationship we have had for many many years.  So this makes it my problem now.  I wonder if I got stoned then all would be fine - Certainly it would be easier.  But it is living with me that I find tough now - the real me and the real us.  Oh, how I want to grasp at every explanation and excuse for her and me too - anything to explain or understand.  Yet I can see my mind just jumping on other wagons to get me away from reality. 

Each day I feel a bit more responsible for me.  Each day I feel more real and less naive.  Each day the world gets a bit uglier and yet in other ways also has some beauty too.  The beauty seems to come from just accepting the way it is ugly.  May be this doesn't make sense.  I better stop. 

Right now I read your post and I am sad and sorry for you and your children.  I sense your H trying to do the right thing, perhaps even putting on a show and doing what his mum or friends say to do.  But, he reminds me also of my wife - She is being who she is but I just don't like what I now see, of her and us.  This is deeply saddening but also, in some way, the recognition, even if so awful, makes me feel stronger.

may you be safe and well, contented and happy

Dear Jerry,

I have always felt there is a "getting it" for both the WS and the BS. The BS has to come to understand and accept some things about themselves, their WS, and their marriage that are very, very hard to accept. Once the innocence is gone, and reality sets in for maybe the very first time, yes, the world does appear to be a pretty ugly place. We realise that we were in our own fantasyland where life was maybe not perfect but it was our life. Now that is all shattered. Now what? It takes some time to sort out what is real and what was just an illusion. But once you do things become clearer...clairty begins to really set in...and maybe we just don't like what we are seeing and wondered why we never saw it before. Perhaps is was there all along, or maybe it just became what it is over time.

I do not blame my WH for everything that is/was wrong in the marriage, I was a major enabler, although I didn't know it at the time. I thought my WH was an adult and knew right from wrong...who was I to tell him what he should and should not do? I thought we had a reciprocal relationship....boy was I wrong and pretty blind not see that it was far from that. I based my actions in my marriage on love, respect, honesty, and in keeping with the vows the day we wed. Perhaps his idea of marriage and mine were two different things but I really don't think so. Up until he had the accident, an A and his addiction reared it's ugly head, our ideas seemed to be pretty much the same, except for a couple of Italian and old-fashioned traditions. You may ask what happened in between...well, I believe life happened. Things were thrown upon us, just like everyone else, but for some it changes who they are inside (maybe even at their core), or perhaps they just forget who they are or put their real selves aside for now, hoping to get on with life at some other time. Or maybe they were never who they presented themselves to be...or maybe I only saw what I wanted to see...who knows? LIfe and death occured, work, children, and everyday demands. But you have to ask, why do some breakdown and cheat or commit other selfish acts when life isnt going the way they planned, and they lose sight of thier shared goals as a couple while others do not? What is it inside of them? What is it inside of us? That is the soul searching...that is the desire to grow and learn from what has happened. If we do not learn and grow we will remain victims in our lives. Yes, we need to greive and we need to heal, but we also need to grow. We need to look deep inside of ourselves...all of us do, BS and WS alike. For those who are brave enough I do believe they can get it, and if they keep working at it, they WILL get it. For those who do not care to look, they will never find it...they will never "get it". Getting it doesnt just happen...it is work...it is pain...it is growth....it is reality...it is letting go....it is trusting ourselves and believing in who we are....being who we know and want to be....getting it is all that and so much more. When you get it, you know what you can and can not accept, what you have control over and what you don't...and you learn you have the ability to be true to yourself and truly be who you are. It is a hard and long journey...but if you never start walking down that road how do you ever expect to get there...how do you expect to get it? I think my WH is staring down the road...too scared to go there though...so I walk it alone. I would rather he be here beside me or perhaps even a pace or two behind me...but the fact is he never even started down that road....looked at it for awhile and said "nope. I just can't go there. I would rather be stoned than face myself and reality". So be it. Nothing I can do about it is there other than accept that it is his choice. At the end of the road is healing and acceptance...and I plan on getting there one day

I do believe change is possible...that people change...but the core of who they are still exists. How many times have you heard a BS say they love their WS, they know they are a good person, but they made a big mistake? Many times. That's because they know at this person's core they are not a bad person...and they are willing to change their behavior in order to remain in the marriage. They are remorseful. They look at themeslves and say what happened to me, this is not who I am...they are shocked at their own behavior and make every attempt to grow and learn from all of this and to not go back there. They stop drinking or doing drugs if that was part of the problem...they start being accountable and accept responsibility for their actions and do not blame their spouse or others for their choices. They truly regret the pain they have caused others and themselves...they take that journey of self discovery...and they get it! People like Sun, David and Rhett...they did it...they got it.... I admire and respect them for it cause I know it isnt easy and I know not everyone can do it or are willing to even try. It takes a big person to admit they made a mistake, but it takes an even bigger person to look at why they made the mistake in the first place and do everything within their power to try and fix themselves....they do whatever it takes for as long as it takes...and they accept it.

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Ami's post was right on..

I am behind you too ...you know that.


((((hugs))))

Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

>I always wonder about my so-called timing, lol. Was our anniversary the best time...but when si the right time?

In my opinin, while sometimes I have to wait to share issues that need to be discussed in private or at other appropriate times, in general the best time to discuss something is in the present. Of course, it's also important to excercise self control and avoid saying things that I'd regret at a later point, but that doesn't mean avoiding my emotions, even my anger. It just means that I need to make certain that whatever I say as fair and honest as possible.

You didn't share anything at a wrong time in this case. You didn't spoil the evening by sharing your heart. If your husband wanted an intimate evening, that's exactly what he got. After all, intimacy is much more than sharing each other's bodies.

I have no expertice or experience for saying so, I believe intimacy is something that most addicts are trying desparately to avoid. For many, the drugs are a means to numb their feelings and a means of escaping reality. Initimacy threatens that escape. If your husband starts to embrace real intimacy, to experience and share his own feelings as well as yours, then he just might be ready to turn the corner on his addiction. Again, take that idea with a grain of salt, because I could be completely off base.

TomJ

Timing
We celebrated our 18th wedding anniversary in August. I celebrated, but we just had a day and a dinner - nothing more. I don't remember if we did anything special at all.
I think that Carol, you are surviving better than you ever expected, right? Your H has made his choices, you have stuck with your boundaries, and we are all standing behind you in support. As Ami said, if there is any wavering, just picture us around you, simply being there for you.

You are a special person Cal. You've been through an awful lot in the last few years and now you are coming out on the right side of things. You are making the choices you need, and the life you deserve.

Were those 18 years wasted? Heck no! Look around you. Every marriage has those periods of merely coasting, but for a long time you worked together to get a business going, build a family and raise some great kids. Nothing wasted there. Family is everything. I know that I question things a lot - I am the queen of that! - but at night when I walk down that hall and check on each child I can see all the things I've done right in those sweet, sleeping, innocent faces. Right there you can see what really matters.

I'm glad that he's listening to you, that he thought enough to take you out for the evening...he cares. He may not have everything in order as he should...but it seems like he is still trying; that is good.

Take care Cal...hugs to you!

Denise

"Our lives begin to end when we become silent about things"

Tonight...I am letting go. I am feeling my feelings, no matter whether they are right or wrong or just are. I feel them. I am not wasting one more second...not one! Sure, it isnt going to change overnight, but wanting change is the first step. I know I can do it! And allowing myself to feel what I feel without anyone telling me I am wrong...well, it feels good! It feels right. And you know what, I am glad I can feel and that I am no longer numb. I feel pain...but in order to get past that pain I need to feel it...not push it aside...not deal with it when I am ready...will I ever be 100% ready! Atleast I have feelings and I can express them and I can feel them...WOW! I feel so sad for my WH...he has no feelings for anyone except maybe himself and he only feelings are feeling sorry for himself. But he doesnt know love like I do....he doesnt know...he doesnt get it! I am not afraid to love even though I have been hurt. I have the capacity for love, and that is more than I can say for him. He is afraid...he avoids intimacy at all cost...is that anyway to go through life....afraid to love...afraid to feel? I have had bad things happen to me...but I never used them as an excuse to hurt others or to stop feeling. It is like something has come over me...and I feel everything all at once. I dont even know how to explain it....it feels good and it hurts ALL at the same time. All I can say is that I feel the love....I feel the love I finally have for myself...and the love that others feel for me. I am finally allowing myself to feel it and to stop denying it. I am worth loving

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

BRAVO!  I stand with my arms held high and applaud you!  It takes courage from within to stand on your own and deal with your feelings, right here and now, then let them go, spew them out to be carried off by the winds of change. 

We are learning to understand that clinging to negative feelings, to hold on to the anger and pain, serves only to hurt ourselves for it really doesn't hurt anyone else.  To continue to punish ourselves and drag those negative feelings around is carrying a heavy burden that eventually will pull us to the ground.

You have stood up, ON YOUR OWN TWO FEET,  and are starting to shed that tremendous burden.  You have begun to love yourself and be kind to yourself.  When those negative feelings crawl out and start clinging to your ankles, cast them off and tell them that you have nothing to be punished for. YOU DO NOT DESERVE to be continuously punished.  You are a wonderful person worthy of love, most of all you are worthy of your own love and kindness.

I am so Proud of you, but more importantly, YOU are so proud of YOU.

BRAVO! BRAVO!

hello Cal,

Your latest posting makes me feel the big open space in my heart.  I feel I know where you are at.  Thank you.

may you be safe and well, contented and happy

The love you have for yourself is the best gift you could ever give and only you are the only one that can give it to yourself.

You are finding your way Cal even if you feel lost at times.

Hugs
Kid

Cal, I was so happy to read your last post. You are just amazing and are becoming a real role model for me. Your words and actions are so inspiring. I love that you are loving and respecting yourself because you deserve major love and respect.

I had a really amazing but tough IC session this morning. Was basically throwing a pity party for myself. How could father disregard my feelings and reduce me to feeling like nothing? How could my mother not stand up for me? How could H do the horrible, horrible things he did and treat me like garbage? How could I have allowed him to treat me so badly? IC said, the question you could be asking yourself is "today, how could YOU allow yourself to deprive yourself of happiness?" That really got through - I should love myself and stop hurting myself.I do not want to let H's selfish acts get in the way of my peace and serenity anymore. You said it so well. We deserve to be happy and healthy and today, I am the one that is getting in the way of that. And I am the one who can give that gift to myself.

I care about you but am not worried about you. I know and you know that you will be fine because your best friend is YOU.

((((((((((((((Cal))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((Susan))))))))))))))

(((((((((((((All my HH family)))))))))))))

It astounds...amazes......saddens.....and intrigues me that so much pain on this journey FOR BOTH THE WS AND THE BS is rooted in the inability to love oneself........respect oneself....care for oneself.

And the ripple effect knows no bounds.......our spouses.......our children......the grocery clerk.......the guy on the freeway with us that just cut us off.

How different and amazing this world could be if there was a way to come into adulthood as truly healthy grown-ups.

My inner hurt little girl self that tags along with me daily blows all of you a kiss goodnight, with wishes for a healthier, more loving tomorrow. BlueIris

"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

(((Cal)))

Have been off the boards for a while, so not up on everything that has transpired.

I am sorry you had to separate again. I was so cheering for the two of you to succeed! But it is a journey and not every step is in the right direction...sometimes we move forward, sometimes back...sometimes even sideways, just sort of "walking in place" if you will. That is certainly the case with your WH and your M, BUT NOT WITH YOU!. You seem to be taking step after step forward, progessing and becoming stronger every day. Keep fighting the good fight.

I wish to comment as well, on one of the concerns you had about timing. While needing to communicate effectively, meaning that if you are both angry or really upset or being hurtful to each other and emotions are running too high it is not effective to try to share your feelings in that situation, I agree with Tom that putting things off is often not wise. I FINALLY figured out that my WH is NEVER going to be ready to discuss certain things... it was and is "we will talk about it tomorrow." I have waited for more than 3 years for the "right time" and I get it now. There is never going to be a right time or a good time. We cannot make them GET IT, but it is our responsibility for our own healing to stop being silent. Sucking it up and being brave is the biggest mistake I made and one of the only things I regret about the way I have handled myself during the last few years. I don't mean to imply that I haven't made plenty of mistakes, but that is one I truly regret. So, Cal, give yourself permission to be open about the hurt.

This is the toughest time of the year for so many...even though it is getting a little better, I still would rather hibernate from Thanksgiving to February 15th. But you sound so strong and resolved, even through Thanksgiving and an anniversary. Hang in there and know that we are here for you, cheering you on.

PEACE

JL

Susan wrote:
<<I had a really amazing but tough IC session this morning. Was basically throwing a pity party for myself. How could father disregard my feelings and reduce me to feeling like nothing? How could my mother not stand up for me? How could H do the horrible, horrible things he did and treat me like garbage? How could I have allowed him to treat me so badly? IC said, the question you could be asking yourself is "today, how could YOU allow yourself to deprive yourself of happiness?" That really got through - I should love myself and stop hurting myself.I do not want to let H's selfish acts get in the way of my peace and serenity anymore. You said it so well. We deserve to be happy and healthy and today, I am the one that is getting in the way of that. And I am the one who can give that gift to myself.>>

Oh Susan (((((((((hugs))))))) how this rings true for us all. My IC said something to me that really helped me get this into perspective. He said when I was 5-6 years old, as a child, I did not have the skills to take care of myself...I could not choose to have certain people in my life, like my mother and father. However, now I am an adult, I am not that little girl anymore (although she still lives inside me) and I can choose who I want to be in my life. If someone hurts me, like my WH, and is not remorseful or does not care to repair the damage they have done then why would I want this person in my life and allow them to hurt me further? I have a choice NOW....I didn't then, but I do now. It is up to ME. Sounds like your IC is saying the same thing. Like my tag says "You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" now add respect to that saying. That is why it is my tag...so I can see it and read it...and believe it!



~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

JL wrote:
<< I FINALLY figured out that my WH is NEVER going to be ready to discuss certain things... it was and is "we will talk about it tomorrow." I have waited for more than 3 years for the "right time" and I get it now. There is never going to be a right time or a good time. We cannot make them GET IT, but it is our responsibility for our own healing to stop being silent.>>

Thank you JL...you words are so true. My WH is an avoider. I used to try to wait for the right time but now I either say it when I am feeling it or it will not get said. He says the same thing...now is not the right time...or this is not the place. It's never the right time or the right place as far as he is concerned. I find that I feel better after I have spoken my feelings. Normally I do not rant or rave, but I do occassionally cry...which I cannot help. The emotions just pour out with the words. Whether he hears me or not I have found that I have been saying it for me, because I need to and is has helped in my healing. It's like getting all the poison out. It is up to him to react or not to what I say. Actually, I really wish he would say something so I would know that he has feelings or some kind or that he actuallu hears me. But like you said...I can't make him get it...I can force him to talk to me....I can't force him to do anything. It is up to him!

I wish you peace JL...you are such a wonderful, caring person and I have missed you on the boards. I know that some times we need to step back and well, just be for awhile where we are at. It sounds as if you are in a better place than you were....for that I am happy for you.

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha