Welcome to Healing Hearts. I know it must have taken some measure of courage to tell your story, so thank you for being brave.
There's a lot we can all suggest and advise and counsel, as you spend more time here...which I really, really hope you will. Whether or not your marriage survives this continuing crisis, you are stuck in a unhealthy, illogical pattern that will continue on and on whether you stay with your H or not. In the end, you deserve to be happy...as every human being does. But you are on a course of action where you will never find that happiness, and I am concerned for you.
A's, intrinsically...at their deepest, deepest core...have nothing to do with one's relationship with their spouse. It has to do with the relationship you have with yourself. I don't know what caused you to be unhappy during the time of your marriage. And I am not saying that your H didn't contribute to that unhappiness. But there are TONS of people that are unhappy that do not have an A. An A isn't going to solve that deeper, inner problem. Only you have the keys to unlocking that mystery, and only you have the real power to finding your way to happiness (potentially with your husband).
I'm wondering if you've had any individual counseling (IC) or marriage counseling (MC). Delving deeper into what's brought you to this emotional upheaval is really, really important to uncover.
One way or another, before anything else happens, before you do anything else, please - please - please: end contact with the OM. If you two are truly meant to be together, figure that out once you have done what you need to within your marriage and you've finalized your divorce. You will never know clearly where your head and heart are if you muddy the emotional waters with additional partners. My personal thought/hope is that after the time, love and energy you and your H have invested in your M, that you would work towards seeing if you can heal your relationship together before cutting and running. But that will require honesty and true 100% committment - - not running to the OM for an addictive "happy hit", when things aren't going smoothly.
Marriage can be wonderful. Being single can be wonderful. Mixing the two worlds is a recipe for disaster for all parties involved.
((Imnotsure)) I sense that you are a good person who in many ways doesn't understand how you've arrived at this place in life. You can get through this and into a place of joy. Do you feel you have the energy and love for yourself, your H and your kids to put your heart and soul into trying? You sound so very, very tired..... BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
Thanks for posting. I hope you'll find some measure of help here.
>I have now started seeing OM...what a mess..
I hope we can all agree that the affair can not solve the problems that you are having, and that it only makes them worse. Given that, you should curtail your behavior to only do things that help you and your marriage.
>H wants to know if I am seeing someone else again but I can not tell him the truth. I don’t want to hurt him like that again, although I have told him I want out of this marriage.
First of all, he already suspects, so lying is not going to help. He has eyes, he can see, but he wants to hear it from you. The fact that he's asking demonstrates a certain amount of trust in you. Telling him later isn't going to hurt less than telling him now. Even if you never tell him, he will finally get the confirmation he needs. It's better to show him a honest person now, than to let him find out you never reformed from the first affair.
> Was I ever the type of person to be with someone forever?......
As I think about this question, I ask myself... what kind of person is someone who cannot keep commitments, and what kind of person is who does? What kind of person is fickle in their relationships and cannot remain true to them? The answers to these questions illustrate that the kind of person who keeps commitments and who protects their children is the kind that we want to be. How you behave, the choices that you make are the things that determine the person you are, not the other way around as your question suggests. When you choose commitment, choose protection, choose love over selfishness and the alternatives, then you are a person who is committed to relationships and loves people.
Now, in your situation, where you feel that the relationship isn't working, there's more to making the choice than deciding to bear what seems like an unbearable situation. Part of it is gaining a new perspective that allows you to see the situation in a light that makes it more bearable. Part is in learning how to react to the situation to make is one that is better than it is now. Part is in working with your husband to create a relationship that is satisfying to both of you. These will only happen when you make an effort to make changes in your perspective, reaction, and relationship.
I think there are many paths to how that can be accomplished, but it starts with you making a decision to work in constructive ways and to avoid destructive ways. Obviously the affair is a destructive way, and it's my hope that you will quickly and permanently close the door on that.
I've been where you are, in an unhappy M and being unfaithful to my own H. It feels good to have someone love you and tell you what you want to hear, and not have the arguements and feelings of lonliness.
But dear, to run from your commitments is immature to it's core. You want to be happy, but putting your own happiness above your own integrity and the promises you've made isn't going to bring you real sustaining happiness. Why? Because you can't respect yourself when you are being unfaithful. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.
I got advice I didn't follow when I was cheating....I should have cut off all contact with the other men (one led to another to another). I should have been honest with my H instead of making him investigate and question his own sanity. As it was, he caught me red-handed and it took years YEARS to gain his trust back.
Maybe your M is over, maybe this OM can make you happy. Who knows. But you are setting up your possible future relationship with him for definite failure because he is playing a part in your destroying of your integrity and self-respect.
It's your choice to follow the advice you'll receive here, but I'll offer it anyway....cut off contact with him and tell him you have unfinished business at home. Be honest with your H. Get to a good IC who can help you figure out why you would rather self-medicate with the "high" of an A than face the unhappiness in your M. And maybe even go to MC with your H? Believe me, I've done MC when I was lying about being unfaithful. It didn't work. It was a sham. The only way you can help yourself and your M (and with that your family as well) is to come clean. It is hard as he1l, but it's the first step to feeling proud of yourself again.
It takes a tremendous amount of courage to post here, and you are to be commended for doing so. I hope you continue to. You are NOT a bad person, but you are terribly lost right now and making some bad choices. Again, been there and done that. We're here to listen and help you through the process, hun. I hope you keep coming here.
I am a BS but I have to ditto what our dear Sun said. My H is currently still involved with the OW. Long story, anyway, I have come to believe that he is and has been trying to fill a void within himself with the love and adoration of others. I have enabled him throughout our M to fill that void and when I was not available, either mentally or physically, he stepped outside the M to fill his abyss. I am learning through my own IC that I cannot fill that void for him, never could and never will, no matter how hard I try. The issues he believes we have in our M are his issues. I am now focused on rebuilding my self esteem and self worth. It is hard work but I am doing it. How can I expect others to treat me with love, respect, and kindness if I cannot treat myself in the same way? As I become happier with myself I can see others responding to me differently. Over the past month or so the dynamics between me and my children, young adults actually, has changed dramatically in a positive manner. The only thing that has really changed is how they see me treating myself. They know that H and I are having issues, but depsite the turmoil they see me as strong and treating myself with kindness and respect and they are treating me with kindness and respect as a result.
I guess what I am trying to get at is that you need to treat yourself with kindness, respect, and most of all love. You cannot do this while having an A. You need to discover why you are treating yourself so poorly and what are you trying to fix within yourself? Your H couldn't fix it so you turned to OM? Is he fixing it or making it worse? From your post I would say worse.
My best advice to you is what I hope and pray my H will do, and soon!
End it with the OM immediately. No contact, no apologies.
Find a GOOD therapist and go to IC. You may not click with the first one you meet, keep looking until you find one that you do click with. Work with your chosen T honestly and openly. Dedicate yourself to it as if your life depends on it because it probably does, not physically, but emotionally. It WILL be very painful and exhausting, but well worth the effort.
Confess to your H and tell him that you want to go through IC and discover why you are engaging in self-destructive behavior. Ask him, if he can find it in his heart to wait for you while you make your journey of self-discovery.
As you work through IC and start filling your abyss I think you will find that everything else will fall into place. Start loving yourself and finding happiness from within. Your H will see changes in you, you will not have to tell him or prove it to him. As he sees the changes in you as you progress he will see that you are earnest about completing your personal journey. As you progress you will both find yourselves either ready to start a journey together in MC to reconcile and rebuild your M, or discover that the M is not where you are headed.
But until you start dealing with your personal issues nothing will be at peace in either the M or the A, there will only be pain and saddness.
Hold on to the courage that enabled you to take the first step and come here and post. Now go forward in a journey of personal discovery and healing. You have everything to gain by doing so, most of all an inner peace and love of yourself that no other person will be able to provide to you no matter how hard you try.
I am glad you made the choice to post on Open because taking ownership of your A is a good first step.
As a FWS, the people on this board have helped me on my journey to healing. Sunflower,Chris, Tom and Blue Iris gave you lots of sound advice to think about.
As a WS, I also thought the grass looked greener on the other side of the fence but it isn't because this is ALL about you. Even though you get the high from the illicit affair , it does not fix the situation but causes more problems. You need to look into yourself to find out why you are unhappy and seeking gratification outside your marriage. Perhaps happiness would be found by putting your energy into delving into the problems within you and your marriage rather then the OM.
I also believe for healing of self to happen that you can not be in the fog of an A so you should break contact with OM. Also if you want to try to save your marriage you need to be honest with your H.
Rett
This message has been edited by Rett on Nov 28, 2007 7:43 PM
"I have told him that I want out because I will never be able to do or say anything that will help him forgive or forget."
Yeah, my H tried that line. Pushing the fault for our marriage not healing over on me -- it must be my fault it won't work because I couldn't stop crying.
Fact is -- it IS an honest, trustworthy, open, and very regretful spouse who CAN help a spouse heal. It is a spouse who will answer the repeated questions, try to understand what it's like to have your world turned upside down, it's a spouse who doesn't get defensive and who again takes the time to answer the same old questions one more time until the answers start making sense.
You can help him if you want to -- but you have to want to take some ownership of the problem and not blame his reaction to it.
If you are at all interested in helping him, go to the helpful links and read one or two of the recovery books. They are aimed mostly at the hurt spouse, but it sounds like you could learn more about what he's going through.
I urge you to respect yourself and respect your family by being honest. Recovery is possible. There's lots of proof of that around here.
I hope you continue to. You are NOT a bad person, but you are terribly lost right now and making some bad choices. Again, been there and done that. We're here to listen and help you through the process, hun. I hope you keep coming here.