Anyone who has read my posts knows my ongoing story. Yes, he is still involved with the OW. But despite the turmoil and uncertainty, the storms that have happened and are yet to come, I am feeling on top of the world. I am in control of my life and my own peace and happiness. Will I divorce? Will I reconcile? I have no clue but I am not letting that rule me. Most of all I am not giving him the power to let the turmoil he has created and continues to create affect how I live my life.
My turning point was when my therapist asked me: "How long are you going to stay angry, hurt, and miserable over the same hurt? Why are you continuing to flog yourself with it?" I realized then that I was being victimized...................by myself, and my H. I cried my tears and spewed my anger. I hugged myself and told myself that I will no longer be victimized. I felt a burden being lifted, I felt as if rays of sunshine were starting to peak through the storm clouds.
I am on a personal journey of healing and discovery within. As events unfold and new facts come to light I give myself 24 hours to feel the hurt and spew the anger, then I put it away......no......I throw it out with the rest of the useless baggage I have been carrying throughout my life. Now my days are filled with more sunshine than storms. I have gained something within that is beginning to shine through. I have not changed anything externally, but when I went to get my hair done recently my stylist did a double take and told me that he didn't know what I was doing, but to keep doing it because "You are looking damned good!" I cannot express in word what an eye opener that was for me. What had I changed? Makeup? No. Clothes or style? Nup. What was changing was within, and that was showing up in very subtle, but what must be noticable ways! What a motivator that one comment was! 
Recently my H confessed that his first adultrous encounter was 20 years ago shortly after I became pregnant with our first child. I had only known about the A of 10 years ago. He confessed not just that first encounter, but that there have been multiple encounters throughout the years. To my surprise, and probably his, I did not go ballistic with anger nor did I sink into hurtful misery. I felt only sadness and pity for him. I don't know what he was trying to get to with his confession, at the time he brought it up he was still trying to shift blame for his A's to me and what I have not provided to him in our M. What I heard was that his A's had nothing to do with me at all. He is a sad and miserable person living behind a facade of the person he wants people to believe he is. I had heard and read that the A's had nothing to do with me, but until that moment it was always in the back of my brain, that thought that kept niggling that said if only I had..........
There is nothing I could have done or can do that will satisfy a need in him. Only he can satisfy that need from within himself. He has yet to discover this, and may never discover this. That is not my fault! What I do take ownership of is that I have enabled him for 23+ years to feed that need through me never realizing, until now, what the cost was to me. I fed his need by loving and cherishing him, by not demanding from him that my needs be filled. In feeding his need I have slowly let go of parts of myself that resulted in depression that I could manage, but never really get rid of. My S was 9 lbs 13 oz at birth. I breastfed him and as he grew the more he needed to nurse until he developed what seemed an insatiable hunger and it got to the point where what I could provide was not enough. I could not get enough nourishment into myself to keep up with his growing hunger. I was still producing milk, but it was never enough. I can now see that my H has been a suckling child and I have had little to no emotional nourishment to feed his hunger.
To continue in this M I will need to receive as much nourishment as I am providing, there needs to be a balance. The only question that remains is can H find it in himself to give to me as much as he takes from me? Can I forgive him? I believe so, but only if he faces his personal issues. I am throwing away the anger and the hurt as it comes so that there is no debris in the way should the time come to rebuilod. He is struggling to face why he has done the things he has done, but I don't know if he will be able to truly face and conquer the demons that need to be vanquished before he can begin to heal. Only in healing himself can slowly regain my trust and respect. Only in healing himself can he provide his share of nourishment that will be needed to build and grow a healthy relationship between us.
For now I am finding nourishment within myself and know that I will find love again. It may or may not be with H, but knowing that I am capable is enough.
