Since I've been posting more lately I wanted to let you all know why you wouldn't be seeing me around for awhile...
What was a very minor thing turned into a major one, because I seem to be so quick to assume the worst even when I have absolutely no reason to.
This morning I logged on quickly before heading to church to see that my H had created a new email address and the confirmation of it had gone to our family email. Now, the logical person would just ask him why he needed a new one, when he already has 2 hotmail accounts and our one family email....but instead I got all covert and sent him an email to his new address saying that if I was paranoid I would wonder why he was needing a new email.
THEN I went upstairs and asked him if there was anything he wanted to tell me about. He could tell something was bothering me. He said no, there was nothing he could think of...then he asked if everything was alright and I said something like "sure" in a tone.
Anyway, I was quiet and withdrawen, and he was just waking up (since we're all fighting nasty bugs around here), and he was flabbergasted. I asked him again if there was anything he wanted to tell me about, and he said insistently "no", and for me to just tell him. I got all upset and said that I didn't understand why he didn't tell me about his new email.
The reason this was such a hot-button (even so many years later) is partly because shortly after DDay he was talking intimately with his ex-fiancee, and lied to me about it...I also had hidden emails from him. And I used emails to entrap him and pretend to be "her", and he lied again...but this was YEARS ago, people! We've been in a great place lately, as previous recent posts of me show.
Back to this morning...he told me that the email was for work, because (as he told me on Friday) he is going to have his schedule sent to him at home, and his business is going to supply us with paper and ink cartridges so he can start his work from home and save on gas....what I didn't recall him telling me was that he needed a new email for it, using a certain server requested by his boss. I don't doubt ANY of this, but why didn't I just ask him to begin with? Why did I have to freak out about it?
I was bawling my eyes out on the way to church this morning trying to figure out why I'm triggering SO hard or something completely legitimate, and I think a big part of it has to do with the other day in chat...when a new member, who is deeply in the fog right now, came to chat I jumped at the chance to help her. And I found myself thinking back to how I felt pre-DDay so I could try and validate her feelings and bring her out of her shell...all with the goal of showing her the right path and getting her back on track again. I didn't realize how HARD that would be to do, emotionally.
I ended up getting a couple emails from good friends here, cautioning me on emotionally going "back there" and hurting myself in the process. They were right...I just didn't realize that I would take it out on my poor H! I am so MAD at myself, for causing this whole emotional upheavel in the first place, for creating this black hole that we've had to dig out of, and now for yanking us back into that same hole!!! Just when I think I've forgiven myself, I have to add to the pain, in my own M.
I need, desperately need, to move on....
My H wants us to, and we have been, for years now...but it's not been complete, and that's because I keep holding onto some kind of self-punishment mentally. I didn't even know I was doing this. So until I can get a few more emotional boundaries in place more firmly and not allow myself to do this, I really do need to take a break from here. My H was pretty angry with me when I came back this morning, understandably. I didn't have the time to explain to him and apologize properly, but I'm going to do that as soon as he gets home.
I'll hopefully feel like I can come back here soon, because I really care about you all and feel like I'm saying goodbye to extended family. It's temporary, though.
Thanks, JJ.
I don't mean to sound all dramatic but I thought that since I have posted pretty regularly lately that I should let you all know why I'll be absent. I hate sounding like I'm trying to get a lot of attention so I sure hope this doesn't come across that way. I'm formulating in my mind my apology to my H when he gets home....he didn't ask for this.
I have been on the boards for so much less time than so many others, and still absolutely see the emotional benefits to occasionally distancing oneself...and taking a breather. Its a time to get perspective on one's own life.
You, Sun, are such a treasure here. You have to know you will be incredibly missed. But we'll all throw our party hats on when we see you again, and look forward to hearing your voice at that time.
In the meantime, I am positive the person you were trying to help in chat really gained something from hearing what you had to say. Your perspective and advice are invaluable. Thank you for all you've done for so many of us. Blessings and best wishes to you. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
((((Sun)))) It is amazing how subtly the things that happen in our lives can affect how we respond to ourselves and to the ones we love. Everything happens for a reason. Consider the reason for this happening at this time a message that there are still unresolved fears and doubts lurking beneath the surface and now you are ready to face them head on to finally resolve them once and for all.
Your words of kindness and wisdom will be missed, but for now you need to give your full focus and energy to conquering the remenants of fear and doubt that remain. I, and I am sure all of us here, understand and wish you well.
I know you'll be back when you are ready. In the meantime we will all miss you and we definately understand needing to take a break. Please take care of yourself and your family
Since you will not be around I just wanted to wish you Happy Holidays, to you and yours.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Dear Sun,
We will all miss you here but I totally understand your need to be apart from us for a while. My H and I kind of felt that way about MC. After about a year, going there was keeping the wound from healing. It was keeping it alive. So with the support of both the MC and my IC, we stopped going. Now, with some distance from it, I think we could go back and have a different kind of experience.
SO, I hope you will come back if you are ever ready to. You have helped me and so many others. I have always admired your honesty, compassion and willingness to open your wounds for the benefit of others.
Time to let them heal.
I get it. I'm sure we all get it.
You think you're at a point where you can jump in there and try to help - but you are a FWS and I think in many ways it is harder for you when dealing with someone who is still continuing A behavior. You delved into feelings and emotions you hadn't touched in a long time, that you thought were packed tightly away, but the lid of the box was merely folded down...not taped shut. You need to wait until that box is taped up, and that you rip off the tape and delve in when ready.
Take the time you need. While we will miss you and your words of wisdom, we think only of you and Mr.Sun....and your happiness.
Lots of hugs
Denise
"Our lives begin to end when we become silent about things"
That is exactly why I havn't been here in a while. I am the type of person who will put myself in someone elses place and that takes me back to all the hurt and pain. We are doing so good right now. Between losing my H's mother and my grandfather, it just made me see how precious life is and I don't want to waste anymore time.
I hope one day you will be able to forgive yourself-to get rid of the self-doubt that still lingers. Deep down you know who you are and what you are all about. So does your husband. Keep moving forward.
You take good care of yourself.