I would not get married or have children.

Of course, this is assuming I could know emotionally what I already knew intellectually.

I wanted so much to be loved. I wanted a family. I wanted my children to be happy.

This wasn't possible. I just longed for it so much that I tried.

Amelisa, are you ok??? You don't sound ok. What is happening? You would not choose to have children again?

trying too much - I know that one - world class trying from me I reckon - more harm than good in my case - Some things are better not trying too hard for - may be most things

may you be safe and well

((((((((((Amelisa)))))))))))

Please talk to us...tell us what is going on. We are worried about you. You had been doing so well until OW contacted you again.

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Amelisa, I am sorry you are feeling so down but I do relate.
My M is doing well - in fact, it is much better than before. But, if I knew what was in store, I would have run from this man after I said hello. I think that is a function of the terrible, shattering pain we have been through and the end of the fairy tale we believed in. I always imagined, on our 25th wedding anniversary, that I could say I wouldn't have done anything differently. HA!
This has nothing to do with loving my 2 very wonderful children and being so grateful they are in my life,even though the idea of living my life differently seems inconsistent with that. But, there it is.
Hope you feel better.

You and I share much the same feelings. I,too, think that my life has been a waste, but I do not regret my 3 wonderful kids; they are what has given my life meaning. My mom passed away at the end of this October, so I can also sympathise with your feelings about the holidays. I think the best way to get through all of the trauma is to hold your head up and say, "I'm not going to let the bastards win !" We lost much, but we don't have to give the rest away !