Well, dear HH friends, today would have been my 14th wedding anniversary had we been married. Although I don't regret the decision to divorce, it is still a hard thing to swallow....I wasted all those years on him. Granted, I have four beautiful children from this marriage and I don't regret them a minute. However, it isn't easy to not regret the years I wasted on him. I think of where I may have been now had I not spent those years with him. Hmmmmm, I would have had a better paying job, and education, work experience and health insurance. Anyway, I hope to keep busy so that today flies by quickly. I have to take my kids out and get their dad a birthday gift and card. Yes, the ass didn't do anything for me for my birthday and that still hurts but I am trying to show my children who is the bigger person in this. So, I will go out and have them get him a birthday card and sign it and get him a gift card to somewhere. I can't afford very much but I was raised to be the bigger person. Frankly, I feel like saying f*** you to him on Tuesday for his birthday but I won't. Sigh. Gonna be a long week.
Ahhh DH ... I can only imagine how you must feel. Yeah - the whole thing is sad and painful (regardless of the fact that you are now divorced). At the same time, it is not worth your while to toss around the 'should have/could have/would have' scenarios in your head. You both made decisions that were appropriate for your family at that time. Look ahead to all that you have to look forward to ... you can attain all that you think you may have given up ... and all on your terms!
As far as his birthday goes ... you need to be the 'voice of reason' and the good example to your children - and the price for that is being the bigger person. There is nothing wrong with muttering a few "eff-you's" under your breath (and out of earshot of your kids)! You aren't getting him gifts because you want to ... it is because you are an exceptional mother and a shining example to your kids. That - you can be proud of!
Thanks for the kind words. It's not easy doing the "right" thing but I know I have to in order for my children to learn. And believe me, there have been MANY f*** you's muttered under my breath and to his face. LOL. I was always taught that I have to be the bigger person and do the right thing, even when you don't want to. Therefore, I am hoping that i can impart that to my children. I know my oldest son is watching me and understands what I do or don't do. The three younger ones are oblivious. They are excited about their dad's birthday, forgetting that they didn't get to spend mine with me. So, have to bury the hurt and get over it. You're right about it not being worth my time to think of the what could have beens. However, can't be helped sometimes. Yes, I'm much happier than I was married. Wouldn't change that for anything. I do feel that this is what is best for the kids to grow up healthy but still doesn't make it any easeier to swallow. Never wanted this for my children....didn't want them to grow up like I did.
Anyway, thanks for the encouragement on a difficult day. I have been fine up until just now. Getting emotional, need to control that darn leak. LOL
DH ... you will be okay - I'm sure of it! Nothing wrong with a good, solid cry ... feels good to get it out. You don't need to justify it to anyone ... it is what it is and right now it feels like sh!t for you ... and that is okay. You're a great person and you've done an amazing job getting yourself and your kids through this!
How old are your children? We are telling the kids after Christmas ... and I'm not sure what they're reaction is going to be. My 9 year old daughter is not going to be overly shocked ... she would remember our first separation. My 6 year old son will be devastated. How have they been through this process? Any words of wisdom on dealing with the kids?
DH ... you will be okay - I'm sure of it! Nothing wrong with a good, solid cry ... feels good to get it out. You don't need to justify it to anyone ... it is what it is and right now it feels like sh!t for you ... and that is okay. You're a great person and you've done an amazing job getting yourself and your kids through this!
***Thanks, I am sitting here crying because I didn't think it would affect me as much as it has. My guard is let down right now and I'm having a hard time.
How old are your children?
***My oldest is 14, my autistic son is almost 11, my third son is 9.5, and my daughter is 7.5
We are telling the kids after Christmas ... and I'm not sure what they're reaction is going to be.
***My oldest son and my youngest son both understood immediately and began to cry. My daughter absorbed it but didn't show any emotion until later. She told our dog that daddy and mommy were breaking up. My autistic son, we don't know how much he understands. I'm sure that both of your children will be saddened, even if they don't show it up front.
My 9 year old daughter is not going to be overly shocked ... she would remember our first separation.
***I'm sure that she won't be shocked but she will still feel the loss deeply. It will still hurt.
My 6 year old son will be devastated.
***Yes, he will be hurting and I would expect him to show it immediately.
How have they been through this process?
***Each of my children have dealt with this differently. My oldest saw my husband leaving as a betrayal and began to hate him. For a while, he didn't want anything to do with his dad. And when Ohio brought his girlfriend to live with him, my son saw it as a MAJOR betrayal. My autistic son has had difficulty with this and I think it is manifesting itself through school. His behavior has been steadily getting worse. My youngest son (9.5) has gone around telling everyone that his parents are divorced (this is before we got divorced). I think to him, when Ohio left us, in his mind, we were divorced, so he has had the easiest time adjusting. My daughter (7.5) has had the hardest time adjusting. Her behavior has been very clingy, especially after he left us. She would cry for a half hour after he would drop them off from visiting. It made it very difficult for me because I was left consoling her and fueled my anger towards him.
She is doing better now, not clinging to me or to her dad.
Any words of wisdom on dealing with the kids
***Words of wisdom? Well, as a child of divorce, there are some do's and don'ts in this.
When you tell them, DO let them know that you and your spouse both love them very much.
DO let them know that this isn't their fault.
DO let them know that they will get to see spouse and spend time with him.
DO let them be angry, hurt and whatever emotions they will have, encourage them to let it out whenever they feel like it.
DO be there for them to listen when they need to vent their emotions. If they feel like you are listening, they will be more apt to come to you.
Very important that you tell each of their teachers about what is going on in your family life (not the dirty details but in general). The teachers will need to be understanding and compassionate of your children's feelings during this time. Most teachers have probably had to deal with students going through this and will know how to handle it as well as be compassionate to them. It also makes it another source for your children to turn to. I know that when my youngest son's teacher found out about our situation, she was also a child of divorce and was able to talk to him about his feelings and let him know that she understood how he felt.
DO tell them that you love them very much and that though the family is changing, that your love for them won't ever change.
DO get family counseling for them, if you can afford it. If not, try to find a pastor, elder, church member or any other leader that has had experience in divorce, ESPECIALLY if you notice your children's behavior becoming self-destructive.
Ok, now for the don'ts:
DON'T talk bad about your spouse to them (I know, very difficult at times). They will see what/how your spouse is and come to their own conclusions. I know spouse will do things that will want to make you scream but keep it for someone close to you. I am willing to listen to you vent, as well as I am sure the members here.
DON'T force your children to talk if they don't feel like it. It may be that they will want to confide in someone outside of the family (best friend's mom, teacher, counselor). Don't be offended or upset if they choose to talk to someone else. It may be very difficult for them to talk to you about some things. To this day, my oldest has yet to tell me his feelings about this. I have encouraged him to talk to whomever he feels comfortable with, even if it isn't me and he knows that I am not upset if he talks to the youth minister or one of his youth group sponsors over me.
DON'T fight with spouse in front of children. Keep your arguments private.
DON'T tell your children all the dirty details of the divorce/separation. That is not something they should have to worry about. If they ask, be honest but not degrading. If they don't ask, don't offer the information.
I realize that some of this stuff may be common sense and you're probably thinking, "I already know that." I just wanted to make sure that I mentioned it though.
I hope that this answers some of your questions. I gave you my email address, so please feel free to email me any time you need to talk. I don't get on here much anymore, but have been checking back on the threads I have posted. If you have something you really need a response on, my email will be the fastest way, as I check it several times a day.
It's not easy, as you said, but you will get through this and your children will too. I know it isn't what any mother would want but sometimes it is what is best. I know my children may not understand it now, but I hope that as they grow older, that they will.
We just celebrated our 18 year anniversary and we are separated. It was heartwrenching for me. I think we feel the loss of what could have been (past/present/future)and I think it is normal. Like Kara said, nothing wrong with a good solid cry now and then as long as we do not dwell on it....and I am sorry about your birthday.
You also offered up a lot of good advive about divorce & parenting. Thank you.
I hope today is better for you...
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Just want to comment that you are doing the right thing in getting the cards for Ohio... You children will appreciate YOUR efforts... and also see that DAD doesn't put forth the effort..for your birthday or Christmas..
YOU ARE A GREAT MOM. and your children will see it as they grow up and look back.
(((hugs)))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
Thanks for the compliments. It means a lot. Ohio didn't mention his gift to me until I told him that I had asked the kids where they wanted to get him a gift from. Then he acknowledged the fact. Grrrrrr! Want to hit the id10t upside the head. Can I borrow that 2x4 that is floating around here? Someone needs to teach that boy some gratitude. Anyway, I had a good day outside of fighting a raging headache. Got some sleep last night and my headache is gone this morning. Another dreary day in Ohio, wished the stupid weather would make up its mind. It was in the mid-60's yesterday!!!!!!!!! Can you believe this weather? Today, back into the 40's with rain and then sleet. We Ohioans have always said that Ohio weather is so unpredictable that you can experience all four seasons----within the same hour!!! LOL LOL
Anyway, thanks for all the encouragement. I had a rough night Monday but have appreciated all the warm words given by all.
