Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - it's a bitch! 2 and half years later, with a loving, remorseful H and new and improved M and I still suffer from it.
H was working late tonight, checking in frequently and answering all e-mails. And yet, here I am, in a state of high anxiety. It's as if it is 3 years ago and I am alone in the apt, waiting for him to come home and feeling as if he is across town with his OW.
Is he doing it again? Is he sneaking out to see someone from his past? Am I delusional again? I am feeling the terror of D Day and know it is ridiculous.
I know that I am suffering from the the trauma of discovery and I am angry that I am feeling this way, that he has brought this disorder into my life.
My IC and his Addictions counselor have told me that they do not believe he will do anything bad as long as he is sober and he hasn't had a drink since D DAY.
Willl this ever going away? Am I being unfair to H, who is doing everything he can?
PTSD is very hard to treat and I am just sick of this.
H just came home, loving and kind and worried about me. Told me all about his meeting in great detail. When he called, I could hear meeting sounds in the background. And yet, I felt the terror of the past. I am scared that this is going to be my life forever.
That's my vent for tonight.
This message has been edited by selfesteemseeker on Jan 7, 2008 9:10 PM
I haven't gotten through year one yet and I get freaked out just thinking about how I will freak out if my H has to work at night or take a business trip. He thought he was going to have to take one and he invited me. But, just the thought of him going on a business trip made my stomach turn. He may start picking up some side work and if its in the evenings, I will freak. He did it once about a month ago. He called, I could here is work buddy in the back, but he kept taking longer and was later and later. He came home all distracted, I had company over and I was going nutzo.
"I am scared that this is going to be my life forever."
(((((((((Susan))))))))))) Me, too.
And H fears this is a life sentence for me - for us - too. He wonders often if I'd be happier without him, because there is still so much residual trauma, hurt and anger. I fear that even if we parted ways and I was with someone else, that this is now a permanent part of who I am.
And I think you're right; it is PTSD. But I also wonder if there is some remote part of ourselves that goes through this trauma to prove that we are aware and watching now...some sort of over-the-top self reassurance that our H's aren't going to pull the wool over our eyes again, so we go into the hypervigilant, anxiety overdrive. We're not going to be sucker-punched again. It verges on hysterica and irrationality, except that our history shows that we have very rational reasons for fearing. But it is at those times there is so very little comfort in what they've been doing right. All that is truly in focus is what looks questionable or achingly familiar.
I'm glad your H was there for you and was able to be supportive and understanding. I'm also glad he was able to back up and support where he'd been. (Though it can be embarrassing to be shown that everything was on the up and up while we were panicking. This is when I go to that place of feeling damaged and depleted.)
We often talk here about the "rollercoaster ride". I know after riding real coasters that my equilibrium is often thrown for a while even once I'm back on terra firma and there are the other after effects like nausea. The same must hold true for this emotional rollercoaster, too. I still feel pretty much like I have one leg in and one leg out, so can't say I'm off the ride yet at all. But you two are ahead of us, so perhaps you've made it off the ride altogether. Eventually, hopefully, there will be recovery of balance and feeling. I pin a lot of hopes to what the long timers here tell us. Still its so frustrating to feel the rush of the pain all again. I wish we all could stroll over to the merry-go-round or ferris wheel. I'm sorry it was a hard night. I hope tomorrow looks and feels brighter. Blue
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
Please read or listen to the book The NOW by Tolle...
This book really helped me be in the here and now...the panic, fear of the future, had me and listening to Tolle read his book seemed to help me stay focused on today and right this minute..there is a calmness that comes over me as I listen to him...you just have to hear him read and you will also smile.
Just know that you are not alone as you the panic hit you...the past is past...keep it there..look at today focus on the smile you had when your H walked in the door at that minute you felt secure..focus on that feeling...it will help you with the panic times.
(((((hugs))))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
Sorry you had such a bad night. I hope the rest of the evening went better, with your H at home with you.
I am over two years passed d-day, we are not reconciled, but I do believe he has not spoken with OW in over two years, so there is no basis for my fears. But I get them just like you did last night. H and OW had their rendevouz on his lunch hour. He has had hundreds of lunch hours since D-day, then all of a sudden one day I decide he is seeing her on his lunch hour THAT day, at that very moment and I am almost parlyzed with fear. I call, he answers his desk phone or I call the cell he answers talks with me says, I love you, no indication he's there with her. The fear passes. But for those few minutes I am struck with panic, then, as Blue said, embarassed that I got all worked up for nothing and then depressed that I'm still in such a horrible place.
PTSD really does suck. I was hoping I was still having issues because we are not reconcilled, but I guess hearing of your experience makes me realize that it does not go away even with reconcilliation.
I hope for you (and all of us), with each passing year there are less of these episodes.
Hi, I recently read a book called "Waking the Tiger - Healing Trauma" by Peter Levine. It is really about the psychology of trauma events - It is not entirely an easy read but it helped me understand some of the principles involved and how it is possible to unwind our pent up trauma - Levine argues that it is important to let our basic animal responses work themselves out otherwise we get stuck in recycling the trauma - Quite a serious book but quite a simple and understandable and accessible approach to helping solve the problem.
Thank you for all of your responses. While I hate the idea of other suffering souls, it is comforting to know that many of you share the irrational, terror-filled after-effects of betrayal.
I have talked about this a lot with IC who does say that a lot of this is a very real disorder - PTSD. She has talked about some Holocaust survivors who, for the rest of their lives, will always have some highly anxious reaction to the sound a train, reminding them, of course, of the trains that hauled them off to the concentration camps and taking them back to those hideous days of suffering. (I do not mean to suggest for a second that our suffering is equal to the indignities/horror of a concentration camp but the example did help me understand how it is possible to be taken back to the time of trauma.)
We have also talked about how to take care of myself when it happens:
-I do have anti-anxiety medication (klonopin) but often find that just knowing that I have it is all that I need - I don't actually take it very often.
-Distract myself - take a shower, call a friend, come on this site - not realistic for me to read a book or watch tv - cannot focus when I am in that state
-Get out of the house. I often go out for ice cream/coffee or go to the bookstore and browse
H is likely going to work late tonight again and I think I will go for a mani/pedi. Even as I write this, there is a little voice that says, "is he really working late or has he just gotten much, much better at deception?"
I have also asked IC about treatment got PTSD, beyond medication. She has acknowledged that it is very difficult to treat trauma and that "the talking cure" seems best.....going over and over the same things, trying to understand them, repetition, repetition, repetition...until they start to lose the power to hurt. Maybe that is part of why we instictively need to hear the story over and over until, in my case, my H starts to go crazy and fears a life sentence, as Blue said.
I don't know that I will ever feel safe when H is on business trip, working late, out for client dinner but we have systems in place to help....cell phone on and on him as much as possible. Of course, if I can't reach him for ten minutes, I jump to crazy conclusions. If the unthinkable happened in the past, the unthinkable becomes believable. As I told H last night - if I saw an elephant fly, I believe that elephants can fly and could take off at any second.
I hate, hate, hate that this anxiety is part of my life and alongside the tremendous love I feel for H today, is rage/hatred that he has brought this into my life.
Hi Susan, you might try the book and mention it to your IC - It was recommended to me by a psychotherapist and it deals with the repetition school too - The important thing is not to repeat the cycle of behaviour that is already a habit but to go deeper into it so you can find a way of breaking the cycle and completing the trauma response - Repetition can be the wrong thing to do. The author is an expert in the field and has dealt with many experiences over the years including things like military and other disaster situations. In fact, I realised reading this that quite small events can be traumatic to us from childhood. One theme in the book is how in nature, wild animals find a way of recovering quickly whilst us "clever" humans with the big brain counter the normal reaction cycle and get stuck into the groove and held there - This plays out in our bodies which show symptoms of the trauma that is held. Certainly this approach is used in therapy situations.
may you be safe and well, contented and happy
PS: Edited to add: The repetition is as if our minds and bodies are trying to repeat the trauma, each time hoping to complete the normal full cycle back into recovery
This message has been edited by JerryBond on Jan 8, 2008 2:15 PM
I think the PTSD reactions improve over time. Do you find that it is better now after two years than it was at one? I found it to be a gradual process that I'm not sure ever goes back to what it was before the affair. It helps to have a lot of patience and to have a spouse who shows concern when these times come.
Tom said:
"Do you find that it is better now after two years than it was at one? I found it to be a gradual process..."
I recently went out to do some domestic errands and realised later that it was the first time I had done so, without fearing what H was doing while I was out, in over 3 years.
It certainly IS gradual and it takes a long time. Logically of course H can play up anytime, anywhere, (something he has been kind enough to flaunt for me) but the triggers came for me when I went out and he was at home, because I knew that when I had done this before he had spent the time I was away talking to & messaging OW. As a result I became afraid to leave the house and very uncomfortable when I did.
"2 and half years later, with a loving, remorseful H and new and improved M and I still suffer from it."
We get pretty good and beating ourselves up don't we? Has it been 2 and a half years since you FIRST found out or 2 and a half years since the last of the truth surfaced... because if you are still processing the depth and degree of the destruction, I'm not sure you are being fair to yourself to start at the earliest beginning instead of the last one....
And I'd like to echo what TomJ posted. Think back to early days of craziness - is it that bad? or are these lingering fears waiting for the right time to be released.
As for the Holocaust, this A is the worst thing that ever happened in my life, but I did not watch my property get seized and my children, husband, parents and friends get murdered. To suggest that their PTSD and ours are alike and might last forever... might be a stetch that adds unnecessary fears.
Lastly, I suggest "Man's Search for Meaning" A book by a Holocaust survivor who writes about living through the worst thing in his life and how he decided to weave it into the history of his life and find meaning in the struggle to survive. Our MC suggested it to us when we were also questioning if this ever ends.
i can totally relate. Things have been so much better here, positive, hopeful...and yet there are still days that I just hurt so much. And I like you, can be "back" in the "moment" of d-days, just like that. It truly is PTSD. Along those lines, I know a little about trauma treatment, and one of the things that is suggested is that when a person is flashing back, or re-living, that they need to be "grounded" by something. Because, yes, as you described, your body, your mind is truly "there" again. It is horrible, I absolutely understand what you are desribing. So anyway, finding a rock, or a photo, or something meaningful to you...and just really holding and rubbing the rock or whatever, and reminding yourself, "this is not happening, now...this is not happening now"...in order to kinda "snap" you back to the "now".
Susan, I do understand the feeling of...is this a life sentence? Will I always be hyper-vigilant like this? Will I always have this anger and rage alongside the feelings of intense love. Will it ever TRULY get better, or is this something I simply have to come to accept.
Thank you all for your posts. Good/Bad to hear that so many of you relate.
Susan/Still Kickin - in my post, I very clearly stated that I do not compare our suffering with the horrors of the Holocaust. I am Jewish and lost many relatives to that unspeakable event. For me, however, the analogy helped me understand how PTSD works.
Trauma is trauma. It doesn't really matter the degree of injustice, or the degree of depravity required to create it. The human reactions to traumas of similar depths are going to have a lot of similarities. Any comparison of the reactions doesn't necessarily equate the crimes.
However, that said, adultery is a crime that has been argued to be equivalent to murder.
"I very clearly stated that I do not compare our suffering with the horrors of the Holocaust....For me, however, the analogy helped me understand how PTSD works"
Yes you were very clear
- but when you wrote "the example did help me understand how it is possible to be taken back to the time of trauma" it caused me to pause for a bit...
My point was that although it CAN last a lifetime, try not to use their situation as a cause for worry that it MIGHT last a lifetime.
I firmly believe that one of the keys to surviving this is believing that recovery is possible. Looking to a worst case scenario (because I don't believe that trauma is trauma) as a benchmark might cause more worry than benefit.
>I firmly believe that one of the keys to surviving this is believing that recovery is possible. Looking to a worst case scenario (because I don't believe that trauma is trauma) as a benchmark might cause more worry than benefit.
I agree that one key element for those recovering from affairs is to recognize that how it affects your life going forward, especially your attitude toward life, is dependent on the choices you make. While you can't control other people, you do have the power to choose to see hope in your situation.
