I need advice --my fear in controlling me. It has been a month, the past week has been torture and I feel like intentionally chased him away with my fear-which of course came out as anger. We are taking some time apart and that is creating more fear. Although I agree that I need some time. I want this relationship to survive. Are there ways to swith mental gears when all I feel is fear?
I would like to congratulate you for making it this far!
As for the anger and fear, well...you seem to have stumbled upon a paradox. You must express your anger, without regard for your fear. You must come to the understanding that you can live without your spouse, and that you NEED to fully express your anger over what has happened. If he cannot handle your anger, if expressing yourself fully would really chase him away, then he'll never recognize the full extent of the damage he has done, the destruction he has intentionally caused.
You do not have to be vengeful, of course, but you do need to fully express your remorse, your deep sense of loss, and yes...especially your anger.
We only hide the truth from others because we are afraid of the deep emotions that come with the full truth. Don't be afraid of those deep emotions. Embrace them, experience them fully, and live!
I have the same question as Ami. However, in lieu of that answer, I'd like to share a few things. I'm no expert, so these are simply my own musings and should not be taken in any authoritative context.
First, the emotional feelings that people experience in the wake of infidelity can seem very complex even though they are quite simple at their root. I think the reason they seem so complex it that it can be hard to connect the relationship between the various conditions that exist around us, our way of interpreting those conditions, and our emotion feelings that are related to those conditions.
Anger is almost always an emotion that starts from some previous hurt, but many times the anger we feel is directed at someone or something other than the source of that hurt. How many times have we taken out our stress on the ones we love, simply because the source of our anger is not available to us?
Fear can also come from an emotional hurt, but it must flow through our ideas about how the future will unfold based on the current conditions that we perceive. Again, it can be misplaced because of irrational ideas, or because if misperceptions of the conditions. Phobias are examples of fears that result from irrational ideas, but they are often based on past experiences that created triggers to that fear.
For example, a wayward spouse may fear the reactions of their spouse to learning facts about the affair. These fears are probably based on predictions of how the betrayed spouse will react to new information, which are partially based on the betrayed previous reactions, partially based on the judgment of the WS of the hurtfulness of the new facts, partly based on the past experience of the WS with confessions to other people.
On the other hand, a betrayed person may fear reconciliation. This fear would be based on the level of trust they have for their wayward spouse, but also based on their ideas about how truthful the spouse has been since discovery of the affair and how others in the past have behaved in matters of trust. In addition, betrayed spouses can experience paranoia due to overwhelming, 'irrational' fear that the wayward spouse is committing or plotting to commit infidelity again.
Fear, anger and hurt are all interconnected and related through our experience. One of the hard tasks of reconciliation is to work through our subconscious reactions and be in control of how we react to situations that conjure up past hurts.
Welcome DC. I agree with Tom and Ami - it would be helpful just to understand a little bit of your circumstances. Believe me: we've heard it all and nothing would shock us, though I also remember tentatively lurking here for months before gathering up my courage to start posting. It was horribly embarrassing to lay my mess out for everyone to see, because at that point I felt it was a reflection of my shortcomings and what I'd done in my life.
My perspective is that of a BS, so that slant is really all I can offer. I know for me, especially that early on after DDay, there definitely was a plethora of fear and anger. Most often, I was a sobbing pool of tears, but as more information about the A trickled out, anger built and there were explosive bursts of rage that then would dissolve me into tears. My H asked if I wanted him to leave. It was incredibly difficult to share space with him in the house, but I was absolutely convinced that if our M was to survive, we had to be in the same space to be able to talk through all the fear, agony, anger...whatever it was that we were both experiencing. Logistically, I felt there must have already been too much emotional space that contributed to H being able to have an A. It seemed like having us in different living spaces was only going to make each of us more acutely aware of what we personally were going through...instead of finding understanding about what the other was going through and showing H what the effect of his A was on me. And I had a brain full of questions as to how this could happen. There were years of tangled lies and deceptions that I needed untangled. And there was fear that if H and I were living in different places, he would absolutely be contacting OW for emotional support and strategy about how to spin the story. And that doesn't even begin to tap into the fear about me being a stay at home mom potentially having to become a single parent, financially strapped, professionally out of step with the job market that I left years ago, and whether or not I was an attractive enough woman to ever find love again. I completely relate to being ruled by fear.
My IC would say that the best way to reduce or manage your fears is to really look at what they are and then continue on towards facing them, solving them. Maybe it would be helpful to make a list - - just let your mind go in a freeform fashion and write it all down. Then in reflecting on your list, you can look at what you have control over, what you don't, what fears are rational, which ones aren't, etc.
The phrase "switching gears" that you used implies that you have control over your emotions. I know that early on after DDay it was very important for me to work through my emotions...not to repress them or try to ignore them. If you are a BS, your H may be asking you to act rationally and be in control of your emotions when faced with his irrational decision to have an A. I believe that would be asking too much of you.
If you want to have a better handle on your emotions or are feeling out of control, I would suggest finding an IC for therapy, potentially talking to a doc about meds, or looking at holistic meds or other alternative measures to reduce anxiety. I barely had the ability to eat or sleep, so could not find it within myself to exercise, but there are absolutely people that recommend this to clear your head and to take care of yourself.
I hope some of this helps. Blueiris (BTW: If I've used initials for phrases and you're unfamiliar with them, on the left hand side of the screen under the FAQ's heading are a list of commonly used abbreviations.)
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
I am the BS. long story short that after 26 years of M to a drug/alcoholic addict who blew through 6 figure investments, and a business that did 3 million a year and literally walked away--I am guessing to hide from the police. so he walks away and I divorce him. from that point I have had enough and our communication is cut off.thats been 3 years ago .this time the man i became involved with seemed genuine. it was fun, food, sex,movies . we showed each other the real deal----feeling no room for fakes. i was compleltely happy then on decc 14 he said i have been seeing some one else' but i love you. thier deal was 4-5 months long.This was 2.5 years into our relationship. so he tells me.this was a stupid mistake, never happen again.that was a month ago, my pain is physical and mental...i want him with me but my fear/anger gets rowdy---pushing hm away.then here comes the all too familiar abandment issues. so painful....so my voice gets loud-which is unusual for me---he gets spooked and now we are spending time apart--how much i'm not sure but i'm feeling punished and abandoned, lost and lonely. i want him here with me to heal together .I don't think people should be apart if they are committed to each other. I miss him and his touch. I am trying very hard to back off with no demands. these days are long and very hard and i cry whenever i m in the car ..he leaves a me ssage i love you see you this weekend. can i do it his way? i want all of him. am i missing sommethimg here? please tell me the truth!
First, let me say that there was not one day for the first year after d-day that I did not go off, ranting and raving, at my husband do to the unbearable amount of rage (not anger), fear, and unimaginable, emotional and physical pain that I was in. You are not alone dear. Your emotions are the consequence of being betrayed on such a high level, not only betrayed, but deceived, and although not the intent of your husband, made a fool off. I know that is how I felt for a good long time. I was also a Dr. Jackal and Mr. Hyde, my husband never knew who was going to greet him when he walked in the door each day after work. Would I be fury unstoppable, a crumbling mass of watery tears on the floor, or a clingy insecure woman that needed him constantly for reassurance. One minute I loved him with a passion and the next despised him so thoroughly his touch made my skin crawl. This is the pain of infidelity. It is a roller coaster of emotions from he!!. We all go through it in varying degrees and sequences. It does get better, but at a snail pass. Healing can not be rushed no matter how much you and your husband want it to, you have to take baby steps, and you have to do the hard work, that is both of you, to understand yourselves, where those feelings are rooted both in the present and in the past, and eventual, over time, be rewarded with not only less pain, anger, and fear, but personal growth. It has been over 6 years since I discovered my husbands infidelity. We are still together, we are happy, in love, and have accepted the affair as part of our history now. I have long ago forgiving him and do not regret my decision to stay. Please understand though, that it takes, at best 2 and a half years till you feel you can start to reclaim the person you used to be. I do feel very strongly that although it is not a pleasant journey, it is one so worth taking the time to do.
Lastly, to help your husband understand, there is a ebook you can download for a small fee at
www.aftertheaffair.net to help your husband understand why you are reacting the way you do, and how he can support you through much of this. Read what ever you can get your hands on about affairs to help you understand them. They are not about the marriage or the betrayed spouse, but entirely about wayward spouse and his issues and flaws. It will take along time for you to really, and truly believe the last sentence, but one day it just sinks in.
Ami, A very genuine thank you. It is amazing how I can feel such turmoil and then a moment of peace. I would not wish this on anyone. I am thinking that this pain I am feeling has to do with the attempt to control this situation. People are complicated by the issues that they bring to the relationship. What I feel like I deserve is a gaurentee that it won't happen again. CRAZY ISIN"T IT ?? I am going start a gratitude list. I am honestly not sure H can see me through this, he thinks time is what I need. This man knows me better than that --I feel like I am being punished for the intense feelings. Thanks, DC
