About 9 months ago, our MC and I agreed that we were not making progess in C. And I decided to stop MC. My take on it is that H really wasn't trying and would not do any kind of homework assignments. Our MC asked if he would see her seperately so that they could discuss some of his issues so she could help us better in MC. He decided he did not want to do that because of the money and because he was already in IC with a different C, who in my opinion was not helping him. H ended IC also about 5 months ago, because he was laid off and we had no health ins. He and I had previously discussed him finding a new IC, because he too felt he wasn't making progress. We have had health ins for two months now and he hasn't even mentioned returning to IC. I am in IC with our MC.

Although I had realized that he did not want to return to counseling, the other day he finally admitted it. And he thinks that I should not take this as him not wanting to work on the marriage. He thinks we can just work this out ourselves because we weren't getting anywhere in therapy. And he says it as if it was "therapy's" fault. Not his of course.

We have been floundering now for over a year. It is 2 years 3 months since d-day. The first year I really thought we would make it.

We continually have the same arguments. The crux of the situation for me is that we have not gotten to the point where we can openly discuss his affair without him getting defensive or me getting angry. I'm not sure if the defensiveness comes from embarassment of his actions, a protectiveness regarding the affair and wanting to keep it in fantasyland or because by nature he is tight lipped. I am angry because of the defensiveness. I realize that is a cycle. There are of course other issues, but I think if we can overcome this. alot of the other issues will also be worked out.

I believe we cannot do it alone, we need MC. I know he'll go if I force the issue, but he needs to want to go, to believe that it can help us and to make a commitment to doing the hard work necessary (looking into himself). I'm not sure how he can believe that we can go it alone, when he doesn't read anything about affairs or affair recovery, doesn't think that my needs are realisitc, wont go to therapy and doesn't even discuss our situation with ANYONE. I do know that he thinks that if he is a good husband we can overcome this. The issue with that is that he has defined what a good husband is, he helps around the house somewhat, he just finished a painting project that I started and tries to do small things for me, like making me tea or stopping off at the store on the way home from work etc. NOTHING intimate, and I'm not talking sex.

I really don't think he sees his marriage circling the drain and that at any moment it will go down the drain and be lost forever.

((((((Lisa))))))
Your situation and feelings are so similar to mine...i don't feel as alone....it is so frustrating to be the one to start conversation, to make all the effort to make the day bearable at home. My H engages pleasantly only when he feels like it, more often than not, he is fairly miserable to talk with, critical, whining about day to day things, saying negative things about our 21 yr old son, etc.. or withdrawing into watching the TV, and ignoring me when I talk. Our H's seem to agree on what it takes to be a good husband. just doing the superficial nice things, thinking that ought to be enough to repair the M.
My H refuses to look deeply within himself to see if he had anything to do with our M becoming distant, and difficult................
Hugs
Take care of yourself
Lisa