Yesterday my H found out that he has a problem with his liver ( Docs don't know exactly what is wrong yet)
but H is frequently light headed, out of breath...He was told that it may be serious.. H is probably going to need somebody for support to help him thru this...H has had much more blame for me than remorse post A...his general attitude stinks...how do I stay to help him thru this without feeling lots of resentment? Need advice..
Lisa

<<Yesterday my H found out that he has a problem with his liver ( Docs don't know exactly what is wrong yet)
but H is frequently light headed, out of breath...He was told that it may be serious.. H is probably going to need somebody for support to help him thru this...H has had much more blame for me than remorse post A...his general attitude stinks...how do I stay to help him thru this without feeling lots of resentment? Need advice..>>

((((Lisa))))

I am sorry that your H is ill. I do hope that it isnt anything terribly serious. If it is serious enough, this could very well be a catalyst for change, and I hope in a good way. Sometimes when people are faced with their own mortality one of two things usually happens. Either they suddenly realise what they have to lose and embrace those they love and try to make ammends, or they feel sorry for themselves and push everyone away and become even more self destructive. When my WH was in a car accident several years ago he chose the later...he became bitter and even more self destructive and shortly after had started the A. I hope the opposite is true for your H. Maybe he needs a wake up call...maybe this will be it. Who knows?

As far as staying to take care of him and not resent him, I just dont know. I dont have any real advice except to say to wait and see how he reacts. You being there in his time of need may make a difference. Again, who knows? Right now you dont really know anything...if this is serious or not and what the possible outcome could be. Let us know when you know more about what is going on.

Im so sorry you are going through this ((((((((hugs))))))))))))


~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Marriage vows are in sickness and in health, but they are also based on fidelity. He has already broken the marital contract with his infidelity. Don't feel like you have to do anything different than you would have done if he weren't sick. You can't give up your life to stay with somebody who is unremorseful, just because they are sick.

You need to do what you need to do for you, whatever that may be.

Until you have specific details about what is wrong with your H I think you should try not to worry.

K

If it were me personally, I'd tell my wife how I felt about the situation. I'd explain those feelings and why I thought I felt them. Then I'd probably do what I thought was the right thing to do, knowing that I had got that off my chest.

Keep in mind that doctors and nurses take care of plenty of people who don't "deserve" to be cared for. Many of them don't just do it out of professionalism... I think they do it out of compassion that sees beyond who they are taking care of. If you believe that taking care of him (despite what he's done) is the right thing to do simply because he is a human being, then take care of him knowing that you're doing it in spite of his behavior.

TomJ

Thanks for the responses and help, so far.....Tom, I am one of those nurses...I work ICU... I know what you are saying, about caring for a person despite what they have done to me or other people..
Thanks
Lisa

And that nurturing ability you have I think is a big part of why you've stayed with your H even through all of what's happened regarding his behavior and the A.

Lisa, I'm really concerned that this new situation is going to have you put your own feelings, needs and desires that much further away so that you can focus on and help your H. It is just as reasonable to nurture yourself, and whether you choose it or not, I hope there is still a part of you that sees the option of not being there for him.

I hope that doesn't sound cold-hearted. I know you love him. I don't wish him sickness. But I'm really concerned about YOU. ((((((((((Lisa))))))))))) BlueIris

"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

My first reaction was, don't do anything you will regret. Not for him but for yourself. I other words, this health situation has nothing to do with the A. You may feel guilty if you don't suport him through it.

But on the other hand, you need to take care of you. If supporting him will cause you added strain, then you don't. Remember he created this situation. Its not your fault you have these feelings now. It is his.

Bottom line, you do what you feel you need to. Remember you are doing it for you and not for him. If you stay by his side its because you are a better person than him and can have compassion. If you can't then it is because he has created an impossible situation for you. You need to protect yourself from more drama.

Best wishes as you work your way through this

Trinity

Wonderful post Trinity...and I fully agree - do whatever you want to do for YOU Lisa. Don't listen to anyone else but what is in your head or in your heart.

Denise

"Our lives begin to end when we become silent about things"