Well, I believe I have lost a friend due to sharing my H and my past. There are several people, not including family, that were part of our lives when DDay occured and thus know our history. But most new people in our lives don't know, which is fine. It's private info, and I'm ok with that.

However I had made a new friend at church and helped her out on several occasions when she was dealing with a sick child. I took care of her rather large crew while she took a child to a Dr appt, visited same child in the hospital when he had an extended stay there for treatment, and taken her a couple gallons of milk and juice when she couldn't leave the house because of child's illness. We'd visited many times after church and attended a church function together, and emailed several times. Her H and mine had chatted after church and we'd discussed all getting together but had only done so once on Christmas Eve.

One day at a get together she'd shared that another mom had moved away because her family had disinigrated...her H had gone through some midlife crisis and left his large family for another woman, and said he didn't want visitation if she wouldn't go for child support. Basically wrote off his whole family. The mom moved to another state to be close to her parents and get support, understandably. My friend said she didn't understand how anyone could do that.

I took a moment to say a short prayer for guidance, and then shared with her that I guessed this H was still in the "fog", and that infidelity was actually something that affected many families. I shared how my own family had been taken through this horror and my sins of the past, and how far we'd come. Well, while she was understandably surprised, she also seemed to not be incredibly judgemental about it....or so I thought.

Since then, I've barely heard from her and stopped seeing her at church. I called her and emailed to see if their family was dealing with her son's illness coming back, and to make sure everything was ok. She told me, when she finally answered her phone, that her son was alright and that they'd been attending a different Mass time that was more convenient for their family. She also specifically stated she wasn't able to set up another meet-up for us, because life was too "busy", but that she didn't want me to worry. Well, maybe I'm being overly sensitive, but I have a hard time believing this was coincidence.

It makes me sad to think that someone could permanently end a budding friendship over knowledge like this. But I don't think my instincts are that off on this one. I've learned a hard lesson about not sharing my past with anyone else, no matter how much I think it might help them in their misconceptions about infidelity. It isn't worth ruining a friendship over. I also am running the risk she'll share this with others in our church, and I have to be secure in the belief that while it's a part of my personal history, it's NOT who I am now, no matter what judgements others may pass on me.

Thanks for listening. I needed a place to vent.

Sunflower

You know, Sun...I must disagree with your decision not to share your history with anyone else. I am sorry that this person responded the way she did, but it doesn't really sound like she was much of a friend at all. It would seem that you were more of the true friend, the one to extend a helping hand, and she just kinda took advantage of your good heart.

Not everyone is going to respond positively to your "story". Not all people are in a place where they can openly accept or even tolerate certain things, for one reason or another. It may be that you touched a real nerve and it was just too painful for her. I'd suggest that  you pray for her and leave it in God's hands. But, your story is a big part of who you are, and has the power to impact others in positive ways also.

We must be selective about who we share our past indiscretions with, but there are certainly times when not doing so would leave us feeling cheap or incomplete. In those times, I think you owe it to yourself to just step up and proclaim the truth and leave the outcome in God's hands.

There may be a time in the future when this very same lady comes to you with a burden that is too big for her to handle, and you may be the one person that she'll believe is able to comprehend or have compassion.

Please don't let this incident discourage you...don't be apologetic for who you are. You've come a long way, don't let this cut in on you, stay true!

My goodness David, you don't know how valuable it is to hear your feedback on this. As someone who's walked a similar path and come full circle too, and yet would know how it would feel to be looked down on as no BS could know, it's important to hear your opinion on this situation.

You are right, this IS a part of how I've become who I am, which is why it's such a challenge to not say anything about it to people I've come to consider very good friends in the last few years. I've told none of them about it, and would be afraid to do so unless something changed that made me think they could have more compassion than judgement....now, it's even harder to believe that could be the case unless they experience infidelity first-hand in their own marriages, whether BS or WS.

It almost feels like lying by omission, and yet this is also something private and why don't I have the right to keep it such without feeling like I'm lying? So confusing sometimes. Whenever there's discussion about someone's S cheating, I feel like I know a little too much about the thought processes involved, and the effort it takes whenever couples try to work through it and heal the M. It's like I'm tiptoeing over what to say and how to say it. But since we've always been talking about third parties, it doesn't seem completely relevant to tell them my story. Does that make sense?

Also, on one or two occasions where I thought it might be almost-relevant or helpful, I've asked my H what he thinks (since these involve people he also sees or hears from on a regular basis like neighbors) and he's always said no, not to say anything. So I don't want to make a decision for both of us by myself, which means talking to him first and many times missing what would be good "timing" to bring up my past infidelity....seems rather awkward afterwards to bring the topic up again just to share some history of my M when the conversation isn't focused on that anymore.

Aren't I just the blabbermouth today! If you're still reading, congrats, you've got real patience! This has had me hiving lately though, and I wanted to get it out and don't feel comfortable sharing it with my H...I know, I'm supposed to be transparent, but sometimes that's easier said than done and I hate burdening him with my own "issues" when he's got enough on his mind. Sometimes I think it's more helpful to my M to come here and dump on all of you, when my H wants to fix everything for me and this one can't be fixed as easily as he would like. That makes him angry and frustrated, and that makes me think he's angry and frustrated at me, ect ad nauseum. Get what I'm saying?

Venting away,
Sun

Sun, I've had hives once in my life, and it was a bad reaction to a medicine I'd been given. All I had to do was stop taking the medicine, and no more hives. I really can empathize a little with the hives, but can't imagine being in your shoes.

It is SO tough, walking around with this "secret" sometimes. I really do want to shout from the mountaintops how my life has been redeemed over the past few years. Of course, the closest mountain range is quite a long way from my home town, so I doubt anyone I know would hear me...hah! But really, I've had several opportunities to share my experience so I'm getting more comfortable with it.

Ultimately, I am the one who chose to betray my wife and this is something I'll always have to live with. My affair was public enough that there are still those around me - and especially a few I work with - even after five years who treat me differently because of what happened. Yet there have been many others who've come alongside me in this journey and who have been real blessings to both myself and my wife because we chose to be real with them.

I've also had the experience of helping out a dear friend (who was at that time nothing more than a casual acquaintance) because I saw the clear "red flags" waving in his life. Initially, he all but cursed me for speaking the truth to him, but then he came back and "got real" with me and asked for help. I've seen him walk what I can only describe as an even tougher road than mine back to a point of freedom and integrity that he didn't even think was possible.

It is a tight rope walk of my own making, for sure. I chose five years ago to step out in the full light of truth - but always the "truth in love", and there's surely no turning back now.

Sun,

I am nodding my head in agreement as I read David's first response to your post. Don't let one person's response to your story make you hesitate telling your story of redemption and reconciliation. I can see that this hurts - she has chosen to isolate herself from you because she can't handle it. This is not your issue Sun, this is her issue.

I'm with David: you need to pray for her and merely leave it up to God. There is nothing more you can do to influence her-the ball is in her court.

This isn't what you want to deal with - one would hope that telling your story wouldn't equal a reaction like this. I know that I am seeing this in a different light as a BS, but I know that if someone came to me and told me their A story, whether they were the BS or WS, I would be honored that they took the effort and risk to tell me. I feel, that from either side, BS or WS, it is risk to tell your story. I have lost a friend or two in the midst of the A...and I am saddened sometimes by that, but it was their choice.

Take it easy, go walk on the treadmill and pray about it. You prayed before you told her, God is there listening to it all, and perhaps he will soften her heart.

(((((((((Sun)))))))))

Don't stop talking.



Denise

"Our lives begin to end when we become silent about things"

Sun dear,

The situation would be TOTALLY different if you had had an A and remained completely unremorseful about your actions, but that is NOT what happened. You learned and you changed. You do not deserve to keep paying for the wrongs you did in the past. Furthermore, what you did had NOTHING to do with this woman. To tell you the truth, I believe she should be ashamed because you showed true friendship to her and in response to your honesty, she rejected you.

She was NOT showing you friendship in return.

You ARE a good woman, Sun. You know it, and we know it. Maybe someday this woman will believe that fact, too. In the meantime, don't let her negative opinions and refusal to treat you the way Christ would drag you down.

A gazillion encouraging fairy hugs,

fairyfriend

edited for a content error

Its certainly a shame that the woman seems to be avoiding you, Sun. We all know and love you and understand full well the journey you've been on...how far you've travelled....how far you've come. You are an inspiration to many here and have such a wonderful perspective to share and advice to give - specifically because of your history!

However, I cannot run to a place of putting judgment on this woman. There is too much that is unknown. Who knows how infidelity may have touched her own life, either currently or in her past? If it left raw nerves and she still struggles emotionally with unresolved trauma, most of us would be able to understand that...and to forgive it.

I'm a firm believer that paths cross for a reason. The reason may be unclear currently, for you and/or for her.

In the meantime, I hope that there is no repercussion from divulging information to her. That would not be right and would determine, I think, how much of a friend she truly is.

I struggle with this subject like you, and with your notion of lying by ommission, because it feels very much that way between me and the people I haven't told about the A. It doesn't matter that I wasn't the WS in the story. There is still shame and a stigma that mark a family touched by infidelity and its changed how I interact with my parents and a number of my friends. I feel less than honest when I am with those people, but I had to choose between the possibility of stigma and judgment vs. feeling less than honest and "masked".

I'm sorry that this happened to you, Sun, but I agree with David that you shouldn't let it be the situation that determines that you never reveal this part of yourself. I hope you can find a place of peace about it. Blue

"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

Blue,

You may be completely correct in saying that we don't know how infidelity may have hurt this woman; however, given that Sun was so honest with her, it only seems logical that she would have given Sun the same courtesy of explaining her feelings on the topic and why instead of shutting Sun out cold. If she has been hurt, doesn't it make sense that she would just tell Sun, and not just cut Sun off with no explanation? I can certainly understand her not being able to deal with a WS/FWS because of HER issues, but she could have simply told Sun that. I am sure that even if Sun were hurt, she would understand because that is the way she is.

ff

Dearest Fairy, Though certainly it would have been the healthy, adult, mature thing to do to respond to Sun with the same honesty, sincerity and kindness that are her hallmarks, I don't know that I can conclude it would be "logical". I just don't know this other woman well enough. Sun herself calls it a budding friendship. That to me implies there is still much that remains unknown between both women. In the end, people are open and honest with one another when fear does not exist and when there is trust. It may have been startling information to Sun's friend and she may have needed to process the disclosure. It may have triggered something truly horrible from her distant or recent past (or current situation!) that certainly had nothing to do directly with Sun, but it may have been enough to set emotional panic...or distrust...or triggers into play. But should she be "ashamed" that she couldn't be as honest?

You and I know Sun to be a lovely woman and we trust her. But part of being on this board is coming to the table immediately with our stories - there isn't really a segment of time where Sun was holding onto that information. She's been very generously candid with her story. In contrast, perhaps the woman felt jolted by having another initial impression of Sun (because who jumps to the conclusion of various skeletons in another's closet?) and maybe she's having trouble reconciling that this dear sweet Sun who had so kindly helped her has this other side to her historically?

All I'm saying is I understand how hard this must have been for Sun, but I'm not willing to pass judgment on the friend. There's some unknown reason the woman is distancing herself from Sun - something about this information has made her uncomfortable. Its unfortunate. Its sad. But it strikes me as unfair to criticize this woman without a better understanding of her own story. If I'd had a budding friendship with someone shortly after DDay and then learned my new friend had been a WS at one point in their life - I don't think I would've had the emotional fortitude to separate out my personal pain. I'd like to think that later I'd be wise enough (or healed enough) to see the potential for Sun's wisdom and perspective on the situation. But we know how long the pain and trauma can linger. If its unresolved pain and trauma, it can sadly last a lifetime.

Or maybe the friend is just a judgmental, holier than thou type that can't allow the notion of those that have fallen to be a part of her life.

I do hope again, Sun, that you are able to find peace somewhere within the situation. I'm sure it hurt to open up to someone and then have them distance themselves in what appears to be a direct response to that info. Fairy, you come to the table here always with so much compassion, I think your heart is full of protective love for Sun. I'm just submitting that the friend may be in need of compassion, too. Wishing love, acceptance and understanding for all of us silly humans. Blue

"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

Dear Sun - I recently experienced something similar to you - And it saddens me - So it seems that infidelity is almost like a disease that others don't want to be contaminated by.  I have tried to extend understanding towards the work colleague/ friend concerned and I don't see what else I can do - I have left my door open if he wants to resume normal relationship - It does seem to come from people being afraid to face the reality of what may be making them feel afraid for whatever reasons they have in their lives.  My journey is more about facing realities, however grim.  This is the only way I can find to be happy.  But I cannot make others do the same - I can only offer help - just as you did.

I feel that David's responses are absolutely right - Better to operate from a good heart and trust in that.

may you be safe and well, contented and happy

Sorry, Blue. I didn't mean to come across as harsh towards this woman. It's just that given all the compassion and concern that Sun had already shown her, I think the least she could have done was to have been honest with Sun and said that she wasn't comfortable being around Sun because of Sun's past.

I totally agree and understand that for us BS learning that someone was a WS might be too much for any of us to bear. If I were to meet Sun in person, I would accept her because I have never known her in any other capacity other than a FWS who has made a complete turnaround in her life and who deserves to be defined by the entirety of her life, not just one segment; however, it is entirely possible that if I were to meet someone I found pleasant and then learn she had been a WS, I might not be so ready to have that person in my life. And I won't know for sure how I might react until or unless the situation occurs to me.

I guess it is that if there is one thing ALL of us here have learned is the true value of openness and honesty. Certainly, it is this woman's right to choose her friends on whatever basis she decides.

ff

And of course I would defend Sun because I view her as a wonderful woman! And I know you do, too.

Sun, I am sorry this left you feeling so badly.  Like everyone else, I have nothing but kind and loving thoughts toward you.  Have you considered emailing your friend and asking her about your fears that she is avoiding you for what you told her?  Sometimes we have to stand up for ourselves (in a nice way).  You took a big chance, prayed for guidance and shared something you felt was appropriate. Pray for guidance again.  You'll know what to do. 

Blessings

Jane    

Sun,

I am so sorry about your experience.

Not sure this would help ... you miss the womans friendship call her again and address the issue with her...she may not want to address you but you can clear the air with her...tell her how hurt you are ...you are not the same person today that you were 7 yrs ago..let her mull this in her mind...and then tell her Jesus forgives sinners and think about her religion teachings..at that point just say good bye. the issue is again in her hands and you can let the woman go..but you have told her how you feel, and you have closure.

((((hugs))))

Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

Thank you for all of the responses.
When I talked to her that day and divulged my history, it was because she was telling me she'd been down on men and giving her H a hard time after hearing about this other H. Her H had done nothing to make her suspicious, but she was so polarized about this family that appeared to be so solid that had broken up that she said she wondered if it could happen to anyone.

Her H is a very kind man, with a solid commitment to his family and faith, and not that it makes him immune but he's certainly shown nothing but commitment to them in the small amount of time I've known him. I got absolutely no impression that she was dealing with infidelity in her own M, in the past or now, but rather had such a misunderstanding of it that I wanted to clear up for her some of her misperceptions she seemed to be having about it.


Anyway, I am tempted to email her and ask point-blank if that's why I haven't heard from her, and see what happens....maybe I'm misunderstanding and she's simply been too busy, who knows. Her life is devoted entirely to her children, homeschooling them and spending all day taking care of her home and family, maybe the days have been flying by and she hasn't found the time to get in touch. It wouldn't be the first time I was certain about something and been wrong. And what's the worst that could happen? She'll say that she's too uncomfortable being my friend, and it'll sting, but I'll get over it....frankly I wonder if it's any worse to be wondering and not knowing.

Thanks for the validation guys, and although I don't think I have the courage that David has, maybe at some point I'll develop it.

Sun

ETA: I just got up the nerve to email her to ask...figured I'd better do it before I lost the nerve. I'll let you know if/when I hear anything from her.

For what it's worth, I think you did good, but sorry you are hurting. ((((hugs)))

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

((((Sun))))
So sorry you seem to have lost a friend.
Some people just can't deal with the knowledge of infidelity. You thought you were doing a good thing sharing.
Healing

This sounds like what Peggy was referring to when she said people don't like talking about A's or learning about A's because they don't want to think they could happen to normal people living normal lives in normal marriages...because then THEY are at risk.

It may not be the desired reaction, but it's probably a pretty common one.

-Susan

Well, the email delivery failed, probably because she has a server through the homeschool group that can scan hotmail messages very stringently and not let most of them through. I'm taking it as a sign to let it go, and resign myself to it. As the saying goes, it is what it is. Thanks for letting me vent though, and for all of the emotional support.
Sun

You are a great friend and WE love you!
Something similar happened to me.

I had a dear friend, someone I considered one of my best friends. When all this happened I went to her and said " he doesn't love me anymore" she said you are nuts blah blah blah.. so as time went on I figured out what was going on. She held my hand helped me, told me things to do to make myself safe. Then after d day and she realized I was not divorcing him she kept her distance more and more...

Then one day we met at a funeral. She turned her face away from my husband's kiss. I realized she could not stand the sight of him. As each day passed she got colder and colder towards me till one day she just acted as if she didn't even know me.

This hurt big time. But I realized as someone wise wrote here people fear this stuff is catchy. They don't want their marraige to be contaminated " The Monogamy Myth" anyone...

So despite the fact that her H was an alcholic.. mine was beyond help... and so a friend I once loved no longer knows me.

It hurts Sun. However, as always your behavior has earned OUR respect. What you did took great courage and that is why we love you dear Sunflower.

El

Maybe she thinks its contagious and she doesn't have your strength to fight it and win the battle.
Not worth your time.....next.