"Don't let your teenage daughter get pregnant" or "It S*cks to be in the middle class!"

OK, we can not get insurance to cover her pregnancy through the state program because

1. Our daughter has been insured over the past 12 months;
2. Even though our insurance has NEVER and will never cover maternity benefits for our children, because our daughter is insured, she is not eligible for coverage under the state program--not even with us paying premiums.

We can not get even limited help through the health department because we would have to make under $5,000/month to be eligible, and we make more than that.

Our last resort is to find a doctor that we can set up a contract with and make payments to.

Mind you, we live in a small/medium size house that is 48 years old (and a far cry from a modern luxurious place); our newest car is 8 years old; heck, we don't even have enough money to pay for our kids to go to college (fortunately our older daughter has a scholarship, which will help). We are not extravagant. We have never gone on a cruise; never taken regular vacations; don't spend money on drugs, alcohol, cigarettes; don't eat out very often, and when we do, it tends to be inexpensive places; don't buy expensive clothes (can you say Target and thrift stores?); check out movies and books from the library; don't get manicures or pedicures; don't do a lot of entertaining; don't even have a flat screen tv! Unfortunately, we do live in a very high cost of living part of the US, which was where my husband (in a very specialized field) got a job.

I am so frustrated. Quite a few people in the various departments we tried seeking help with flat out told us that if we had kicked our daughter out of our house for getting pregnant, she would be eligible for help! How preposterous is that! I feel like because we are trying to be loving, supportive parents instead of insensitive ones, we are being punished. What is wrong with a system that rewards people for abandoning their children when their children need them most???!!!

I am sick with fear about how much this will cost us. I know that hospitals more often than not have a policy of charging uninsured patients more to make up what they don't get from insurance companies. My H just read off a website about a couple that paid over $100,000 for a birth that an insured couple's insurance would pay only $25,000 for.

I don't know what we will do. Even if the boy's parents pay half of the costs, we don't have $50,000 lying around.

Please keep me in your thoughts. I'm feeling very down.

ff

Dear FF - I am sad to read of your struggle - and while reading I had a growing sense of "Wow, FFs daughter is pregnant - She must be so pleased and happy".  I have always had a soft spot for pregnancy and love to see pregnant woman around.  I can't explain it but there is something so optimistic and encouraging in it.  All the usual rules of our materialistic society seem to be shown to be irrelevant to me when I reflect just a moment on the wonder of new life.  May be it is easier for a man to have such feelings and may be they are impractical and unrealistic - But, to me, bringing new life into the world has something quite wonderful about it - Something deep and quite incredible - Something that reminds me of just how silly most of what I worry about is.

may you, your daughter and her child, and all those around you be safe and well, contented and happy

My dear fellow friend of faeries

I can't help but to think that there are others who have been in exactly the same situation.  Odd how life ties things together (faeries at work?)

Last week I was having my hair done and my stylist was talking to another of her clients while doing my hair.  She was not being rude, but dealing with a family emergency.  Her  teenage sister is pregnant and her client stopped by to give her a list of resources that could provide assistance to her sister.  I really did not pay attention to the details but was amazed at the number of resources that this woman was telling my stylist about.  From organizations that provided medical assistance to those that could provide furniture, clothing, car seats, cribs, etc. 

I would start by talking to a local Crisis Pregnancy Center, I would think that they would have a list of available resources in your area that you can call upon for assistance or at least point you in the right direction to find the assistance and advice that you need.

My thoughts and prayers are with you as this must be a difficult time for your family.

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

If you want to further complicate a situation, have it be a step daughter that has gotten pregnant and had a baby. She and the baby are living with us, and yes it has brought complications to our lives, to my wife’s and my relationship due to the living situation and expenses.

It also has brought a huge amount of joy to our lives. This little girl is my step grand child in the legal definition. But she is my grand child in the practical and reality of the situation.

In our case social services paid for the delivery with medicade…and the baby's expenses are still covered by medicade. The state also went after the father, a teenager, and child support has been ordered by the state. At this point since he is still in high school himself, it is only $50 a month. Not enough to truly help, but its something.

All I can tell you is if you set your mind to it, you can overcome any difficulty that this brings to your life, where there is a will, there is a way.



My stepdaughter made a mistake as she was well informed about birth control, but no way is this little 8 month old that climbed into her makeshift toy box a mistake.

She is taking steps, waving goodbye, high and low "fiving" us, and makes even the lousiest day go away with a smile(that has two teeth in it).

Just my two cents...and yeah...it does suck to be middle class. But this to shall pass, the situation, not being middle class.

I will probably be out of a good paying job by September and have little to no prospects in my field of work for where we live. But I am not going to dwell on it or spend my days worrying. My days are full with more important things.

Dave

Thank you, Jerry, for reminding me that ultimately money is just a tool, and that the new life is what really counts. (If I die in debt or not, I'll still be dead!) While I am not thrilled about becoming a grandmother yet because I hadn't imagined becoming one for years and years, I know I will love that baby so much.

Cat,

I am sure there are resources, and once the baby is born, the baby will be eligible for coverage under the state program because the parents don't have insurance, and the baby won't have insurance. Further, my daughter will be eligible, as the mother, for WIC assistance. There are likely other resources out there, but I am just not aware of them yet.

Ami,

Part of the problem is that lying (especially after dealing with all the lies associated with my H's A) is not something I take lightly. It is certainly not something I wanted to teach my children to do. Quite the opposite: I have tried to teach them to be honest and to be responsible. How ironic that if I had lied, my daughter might be covered right now.

I don't think that is is right or fair that my daughter get 100% free services when we can afford to pay some of the costs knowing that there are girls out there who desperately need free services. We weren't asking for a hand-out, just some help. We expected to pay some kind of monthly premium (only fair), but to be turned down completely seems unfair, given that our insurance doesn't cover maternity for our children. And of course, by this point, we have already talked to multiple people in multiple offices, so there are records out there on us, and people aware that we didn't kick our daughter out of the house, and that we are providing for her.

It stinks that people feel the need to lie to get help. My H read just last night that our state is near the last when it comes to providing resources to help those in need.

Our last resource is finding a doctor and a hospital to set up some kind of prepayment plan. So next week I will be making lots of phone calls. Wish me luck.

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and concern.

ff

Dave,

I had literally just posted my message when I saw yours. Thank you for sharing the photo of your adorable granddaughter. Of course she is your granddaughter! You ARE her grandfather!

My daughter is only 15 (will be 16 when the baby is born), and her boyfriend is 17 (will be 18), so they, too, are in high school. They knew about birth control, and in fact, I had taken my daughter to our ob/gyn and gotten a prescription for birth control. Before she could start taking the pill, she got pregnant. (Condoms--the choice of people who like to play russian roulette with birth control instead of with a handgun!) So I hear you about their knowing about birth control.

Like you and your wife, our lives will be changing radically. I will switch from teaching days to teaching nights in order to take care of the baby while my daughter goes back to high school. Her boyfriend (now fiance) will be going to college in the area instead of going off to college because he loves our daughter and has no intentions of abandoning her and their child. They are planning to get married sometime in the next couple of years. We'll see. Most of us here know how children complicate relationships.

Thanks for sharing your story.

ff

edited for content

FF,

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply that you Lie. I feel the same way about Lying. I was thinking that you actually emancipate your daughter.

In regards to not wanting to take the money away from someone else. Please do not feel guilty. The money is there to help people like you daughter. You will see that your daughter learns from this experience and will likely not repeat it, thus saving the state money. Other women/girls continue to have child after child all on state aid. Don't feel guilty, there is nothing wrong with using the money from the state for this, and then using your own money to see that your grandchild has all the other necessities.

Ami

FF,

Know about the high school thing, the mother was 17 and the father is 16 now. 17 and 15 when she got pregnant. Don't know what she saw in a younger guy.

Marriage is not in the future for them. His parents wanted her to give the baby up, they have practice in this as the older brother has done it twice with different women.

Somebody is always quoting "When life gives you lemons...make lemonade!"...The neat part is the lemonade I have is the sweetest I have ever experienced.

Good luck FF...and prepare for some sleepless nights, another little soul to worry about when the baby is sick, and a HUGE amount of joy and laughter that is going to come into your life.

Dave

Edited to add:

Ami said "Don't feel guilty, there is nothing wrong with using the money from the state for this, and then using your own money to see that your grandchild has all the other necessities."

Right on Ami...

FF...think about all the years you have paid taxes to the government and its just a refund of part of what you have paid in.

While the OB costs are probably going to have to come out of pocket, I wonder if there are insurance policies that can cover any catastophic costs at the time of delivery?

Maybe you can contact the insurance agent that provides your home/auto/life insurance about any options.

Tom

Fairy...
I don't know where you live and I am sure you have examined all options..but I do NOT understand why your present insurance does not cover her prenatal care.
Makes no sense to me. If she has insurance it should be coverd.
I am so sorry you have to go through all this. What about the clinic at your local hospital?
Hugs to you Fairy...
Healing

Oh My Gosh...your Grandaughter is beautiful.
Thanks for sharing.
YOu are so right that obviously unplanned teenage pregnancy creates a huge issue for all it isn't the baby's fault & babies do bring a sense of beauty & the idea that God want's the world to go on....
Healing

Healing,

Trust me--the first thing we did was to contact our insurance company. We were told that she was not covered for maternity benefits. A friend told me not to just take the word of an insurance company employee, but to check my policy. I did, and right there in black and white I found no coverage for anyone but me (the spouse). The HR director at my H's place of employment talked to THREE different people at the insurance company and was told no every time.

Sigh.

Thanks for your concern.

Can you recommend any winning lottery numbers?!?

ff

This topic can be considered off topic but it has many similarities to infidelity.

"Having sex at the expense of someone else". Realistically these kids had sex for their own reasons. People in A's have sex for their own reasons. The mystery behind the power of sex has many answers and each explanation is different. My H had expressed love to OW after the first day and first sexual encounter.

How can sex education be useful or marriage preparation classes useful when one person may take it seriously and the other may be just there to literally make face? I really don't think these kids understand things they haven't experienced yet, like the responsibility of child raising. (Heck it was a shock to me too). If a person is in tune with a society that condones infidelity and feeds the sensations of it, how can any education change their belief pattern? Sooner or later reality does bite. That is where integrity, character and faith come into play to enhance mature love.

Dave in your daughters situation she is left with a life commitment along with the struggles and joy of being a responsible parent.

FF your daughters little bundle isn't born yet but there is a good possibility the father is going to share with responsibility.

One thing that is being portrayed in both situations is "Family Love". Four weeks before my d day, my married daughter announced that she was having a baby. We were overjoyed mixed with a real fear for this pregnancy. The doctor had stressed to her it was going to be a risky pregnancy.

When d day did hit I did not want to reveal all after H expressed meekly he wanted the marriage to work because I didn't want a hint of our problems to be discussed with our kids. In no way was I going to cause my daughter any undo stress. After the grandchild was born my H's dad had a close call with strokes and a heart attack. He admitted if his parents would have known about his infidelity he would have blamed that health problem on himself.

Love for my family that we created together was at the root of my desire to work this out. My H may have been a grown man but he had irresponsible beliefs about infidelity. He had to grow up the hard way!!!!!!!!!!!!

Amber

Amber,

What a great post, and it does come down to family. Your comments about what my daughter will face are entirely true. Some of the stress that is brings is she has not fully learned "the facts of life."

By that I am not referring to future sex, but to the responsibilities that having this child created. She still relies on her mother and myself for to many things, things that she should be doing but doesn't feel like doing. When I get tired of what I call "the crap" I bring it up to Sunshine and we end up upset with each other.

I have withdrawn into myself, spend time in my shop doing usless things, and have little to no desire for intimacy. I don't blame Sunshine for it, I blame the situation, but have no idea how to improve it.

Between work, babysitting, and the limited time we have on weekends, we can do something on Saturday or Sunday afternoons, but not the whole weekend. Living in the middle of no where there isn't a lot to do on a afternoon.

I just re-read this and it almost sounds like I am jealous of my grand child. I hope that isn't what comes across to others. I guess what gets to me is that Sunshine won't stand up to the kids and lay down the law.

Just an old fashioned concept I guess....

Dave

Dave,

I consider myself a hands on grandma. However I do not always have them 24/7 like you and Sunshine do. We have been blessed with 5 grandchildren since d day. The changes I had to do to accommodate the kind of relationship I wanted with them was huge.

My whole life and home changed:
-My first grandchild was colically. So we all took turns doing the colic bouncing walk to put this baby to sleep, enduring hours of screaming in our ears and back aches from carrying him.
-Our kitchen became a full target for flying food and spilled milk
-My glass in my railings became pounding panels for toys.
-Everything two feet high was caked with cookies or sticky finger prints after they left.
-Toys being dropped and thrown gouged and chipped our new hardwood floor.
-While babysitting "baby" was the boss and if you try to change mommy and daddies schedule you pay dearly for it.
-The peace and harmony of holding a sleeping baby.
-Witnessing the pure innocence of a child.
-Witnessing a grandchild benefit from what you tell them.
-Seeing the grandchildren experience new things for the first time.
-Getting a snotty kiss with a 1 year old's tongue for the first time.
-Building a play room for the grand kids when you didn't have one for your own kids.
-My second youngest granddaughter tells me she loves me every time I take her to the potty.


Knowing my grandchildren beg to go to grandma's house is love at it's purest.

I had the grand kids for a week when my daughter went on holidays. By the third day I didn't think I was going to make it. However I decided to relax and just let most of the housework slide. Instead I read books, colored, played floor hockey with the boys, let our granddaughter comb our hair or entertain us with her first year ballet dancing skills. After they picked them up to go home, we missed them the minute they left the house.

Receiving the gift of being part of another human beings life is precious.

Parents that give up a few years of their life to an innocent life and their child are also giving love at its purest. Even though our age is telling us to slow down and take it easy. Grandchildren don't understand that.

"Every disaster holds a miracle"

Amber

Adding to Ambers List:

-Sharing the unconditional love when you hold the child.
-Hurting worse than they do when the get a bump or bruise learning to walk.
-The little smile that brightens a day more than the sun ever can.
-The gut wrenching fear when they are sick and their temperature spikes.
-All the "BIG" little firsts that happen as they grow.

And the list goes on...and on...and on...

This is life...this is love...and I wouldn't miss a second of it

Aww Amber and Dave,

Thank you for reminding me of all the joys I have to look forward to. I am sad that my daughter is pregnant because she is so young, but I am not ashamed of, disappointed in, or angry with her. She is MY daughter, and I love her, which is NOT to say that I condone her behavior because I don't. But as my wise IC says, we can not control other people, only ourselves and how we react. I do NOT take her situation personally in the sense that she did what she did with absolutely no thought of me or my reaction. Obviously, I am and will be affected, but I believe that we will get through this, and we can use this opportunity to grow even closer together.

My H and I have assured our IC/MC that we have NO intentions of raising this baby, just HELPING. My daughter has already told me that she will have lots of questions for me. I see that as a wonderful sign because she has never been one to ask us how to do things (too impatient). Becoming pregnant has made her grow up. I think she will be a fine woman because I already see glimpses of that fine woman.

Thank you for your wonderful support and encouragement.

ff

((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))) & prayers I know you will make it through this...

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha