I had a really good talk with IC on Friday that has really stuck with me. It was the usual discussion about how false our relationship was, how humiliating, how my life was stolen and replaced by this horror show of lies and deceit.....and that my anger is compounded by the fact that H knew all the details, that his life, however sick, was true.

IC asked me why I thought that H was living with truth...that all of his relationships were fractured,that he did not have an honest intimate relationship with the people that loved him, including his chldren, and that his double life deprived him of ever being whole.

Somehow made me feel better.

Interesting take your IC had on this. I know I struggle with the same anger and resentment of H having this wealth of knowledge and (ALL) the truth, compared to the incomplete version I scratched and clawed my way to know. It not only is the horror of the betrayal, but it is a feeling of inequity between us - - imbalance - - unfairness.

But your IC's thought on H not living truthfully and having way less than honest, open relationships somehow makes the situation feel more balanced. I know life isn't fair by any stretch of the imagination (but it sure feels better when it plays out that way).

Thanks for sharing this, Susan. Sounds like it was a great session. BlueIris

"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."

Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant. I say this because I have felt this way for sooooooooooo long! That Wh knew everything...he was living in truth while I was living in a lie of his making!!! Yes...fractured relationships...nothing was ever whole. When I look at it this way, I feel I am the lucky one. I know I am capable of having whole relationships in my life...with my children, with friends, with other family members. It pains me not with WH, but that was his choosing, not mine. Or perhaps he is simply not capable. It doesnt really matter, it is all the same result in the end, isnt it?!!!

Thank you for sharing this simple, yet profound truth Susan

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Yes, I feel sure the IC was perceptive.  This is related to the relief that I have heard WSs speak of when it is out in the open - Well I suppose those WSs that recognise some of the hurt caused and take responsibility.  I see the delusion, separation or compartmentalisation that is spoken of here is true for WSs and I can see this in my wife.  Indeed, my biggest fear/ feeling/ reason for not being able to get close back in with wife is exactly my lack of trust in her reformation from someone who did not, and may still not be able to enter into the kind of commitment that brings her "whole" to the relationship. 

I read somewhere recently about becoming response-able - It was written this way to make the point about becoming resposible - And I can see this is about being really be able to respond as a whole as responding in part in love is somehow not my definition of true/ deep love - I need reassurance of that kind of approach from my spouse as I recognise how much I open up my own deep vulnerability in that loving relationship.

Having said all this however, I also recognise that I am imperfect of course in this too - I do not see without self-delusion, I find I cannot be completely whole-hearted in all things, I cannot love the perfect way I describe.  Just as I can see imperfection in my wife then I must also recognise this in myself.  And seeing this I find I become also a bit more whole and compassion can open up just that bit more.  It is almost as if I have to learn to love and accept the whole of me better in this situation and this recycles outwards in my response to wife and others too.

may you be safe and well, contented and happy

Yes, Cal, I feel like you do, that somehow we are the luckier ones - that we are capable of having honest, loving relationships and that, regardless of H's deceit and duplicity,we were honest in how we dealt with our relationships. When we said something, we meant it - did not have another secret world swirling around our brain.

Of course, we all know the excruciating pain of knowing that our honesty was met with lies of the cruelest kind....but our WS did not have the peace and joy of the intimate, honest relationship we were offering.

It is all so sad and tragic but I am comforted by knowing that H's world was not so fabulous.

Susan,

Thank you so much for sharing this message with us. I was so impressed that I emailed it on to my H today.

Of course NOW we know that their lives and mental states were so screwed up and not anything to be envious of.

ff