Today was d-day 3. It has been 2.5 YEARS since I thought there was contact. My gut told me he was talking to her on his cell. After using a voice recorder, I found out my gut was right. The clinching phrase from my H was "I wish I could show you how much I love you".
In a brief screaming match when I confronted him I was told she now lives on the other side of the country and he has been in phone cotnact with her for about a year. She is still married. I don't know if she has been back and if they have hooked up or if she moved after they started "talking" again. Its not like I can believe anything he says anyway.
Why didn't he just leave 2.5 years ago. Of course he blamed me for him seeking her out again, because about a year ago is when I started to talk about divorce.
So trust your gut, this is just another example of how your gut is the only thing you can trust.
I am so angry, hurt and sad. What do I tell my kids? Their father chose a supposed phone/e-mail relationship over their happiness. Of course I will not tell them that.
((((((((Lisa)))))))))))) I'm so, so sorry. My guess is that today you'll be very emotionally all over the place - anguished, blind with rage, inconsolable, furious. We'll all be holding you in our thoughts and prayers, so whatever you need to vent, please know we're here.
I remain completely mystified as to how WS's can continue to emotionally kill the people they purport to love. Feeling my own rage over what's happening: grrrr. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
Lisa, I am saddened by this news. I pray strength and discernment for you during this difficult time.
BlueIris said:
"I remain completely mystified as to how WS's can continue to emotionally kill the people they purport to love."
As someone who was a WS, I too find it difficult to look back and understand how I could act like that. But, I've done the work. I know the answer, even if I don't like it. In a word, it's simply selfishness. And, being selfish is unfortunately a very human characteristic that can be difficult to overcome. It requires laying down our pride and exposing our fears - something we're just not naturally comfortable doing.
I am so sorry for your latest d-day. I think my third was the hardest, but also the most life-changing. Go slowly, and make no decisions immediately while the pain is so fresh and raw. You will know your path in time. Take care of yourself right now. Remember...this was NOT about you...no matter WHAT your H is saying. Don't let him manipulate you one second longer.
David when you say, "It requires laying down our pride and exposing our fears - something we're just not naturally comfortable doing," I agree with you and I applaud you (and my H) for having the courage and strength to meet your demons head-on and conquer them.
Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ
I am so sorry, too. I was going to respond like Pat did and ask you if OW's H knows/knew about the A. If not, I believe it is time he was told--not because you are trying to hurt OW in retaliation, but because her H is being betrayed, too, and has the right to know because his life is being affected just as yours is.
A are wrapped up in secrecy and darkness. Bringing them into the light often has a way of shocking the A partners and helping put an end to the A.
OW's H does know about the past A. I went to their house one day, OW was home and she cut me off and her H didn't really seem to want to come outside to talk to me, so I ended up telling him through a closed door. He never tried to contact me. I never tried to reach him again. So who knows what kind of a spin OW put on it. Today, I sent an e-mail to an old e-mail acct OW & her H shared. Don't know if it still theirs or who would be reading it but I told of the renewed/continued contact and the, I love you. I included my phone number incase her H actually reads it and wants to find out more.
There was supposedly no contact for 1.5 years, I would think that the secrecy and connection were broken. He says he was drunk when someone told him of her new contact info (they were former co-workers)and called. As if the fact that he was drunk makes it OK.
He also says he was waiting to see if I went through with the meeting I set up for us with a Divorce mediator. If I didn't he was going to break it off with her. What a piece of crap.
I'm falling apart inside. He has been BEGGING me for two weeks now to work on the marriage. And before that many times I told him I was ready to sepertate and he just kept telling me he didnt' want a divorce, he wanted to stay with me and take care of me in our old age!
I don't post much anymore, but your thread brought me out.
I too used a voice recorder to catch my H cheating. Little did I know at the time that the woman he was talking to wasn't the first, she was the second and during our reconcile - I learned of the third OW and the fourth A began.
My clinching phrase was "you slept with him before you slept with me...." Apparently OW had another guy on the side and my H was a bit jealous. It will be 2 years in July since I taped that call and that phrase still haunts me.
Almost 2 years, many OW and D days later and I just recently erased that tape. I listened to it occasionally during the first year and then the last 9 months I hadn't even picked it up. I kept it almost as a way to affirm to myself what had happened. I came across it a month or so ago, didn't listen to it and was easily able to delete the recording.
Not sure what I am trying to say here, but I can identify with what your H said to the OW - I was amazed at how my "ladies man" was so verbally kind to the OW in the call I taped. Calling her honey and sweetheart... It really was so syrup sweet it made my stomach turn. The more times I listened to that 45 minute tape, the more I realized that my H was not who I ever thought he was. The man on that tape - I had never known. Some call it Fog, some call it Affair Confusion, but I called it bullsh** and no matter what it is termed it hurts the BS just the same.
I am sorry for your pain Lisa. No one should have a WS so callus as to put the BS through not 1, not 2, but 3 D days. I just happened to be one of those lucky BS that had an H just as this. I can truly identify with your circumstance.
It may seem small, but what I can tell you is to take care of YOU. A wise woman who now lives in Iowa (JJ) told me this MANY times and I am thankful that I took her advice.
Be well.
Coral
"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."
Wow...reading this made me feel just awful. I feel horrible for you and it gave me a sad reminder of what I went through. I've survived 5 d-days Lisa~~~5 of them. It doesn't get any easier the more d-days you have, as a matter of fact I've found that for me, after the 5th one, the broken heart is now surrounded by a very solid brick wall and I don't trust my emotions or heart in his hands.
After the 5th d-day I broke the promise that I made to myself and I called the OW's H. I got his number at work, his exact extension and left him a voice mail. In the VM I left I told him how long it went on, what I knew, that they were still in contact 2-1/2 yrs later and that he needed to know all of this. I also left him my email address and my cell phone number. After not hearing from him and his wife contacting my H again, I called the husband again at work and left him yet another message. He said he'd contact me, yet never did and that was and is okay. I felt it necessary that he know exactly what was happening. It is your choice what you do.
I know how difficult this is Lisa. You are feeling more pain again, when you thought that he couldn't hurt you any further. That dang gut - it's good and it's bad.
Take it one moment at a time - as it's been said above, don't make any quick decisions. Take your time, figure out what you truly want to do.
(((((((((((((((((Lisa))))))))))))))
Denise
"Our lives begin to end when we become silent about things"
Honey, I am so sorry. If you recall mine and my WH's history, this is like DejaVu for me. I know what you are going through. 2.5 years and nothing was getting better...you think it's just the drugs...but there was more to it and deep down you knew it...just like I knew. That was when I hired the PI and found out the A was still going on. Yep...always trust your gut-o-meter. It is like being sucker punched! It sucks! I am so sorry you are going through this too. I really am
I know everyone is saying not to make a decision right now...I do agree, but you also have to take action to protect yourself. Maybe he needs to be gone for awhile...tell him you need some alone time to think about what has just happened. Maybe it will come to you...sometimes clairty just happens...sometimes it needs to reveal itself slowly. Take you time...do what is best for you.
Well as we all knew it would the story has changed a little already. At first it was they had been talking for about a year with no contact for the previous year and a half, now its they have been in contact for a year and a half with no contact for a year.
We were in marriage counseling and he was in IC when HE started up their relationship again. He told his IC that he was in contact again with her. The IC told him he needed to make a choice, which he couldn't. He continued seeing the IC for 8 months after contacting her. He'd probably still be in IC telling the IC about this affair, if we hadn't lost our insurnce.
This time around he confided in her some intimate details about himself that only I and the MC and possibly the IC were privy to. That really hurt.
Contemplating a future without him is so devastating. Through the last 2.5 years of false R, I just kept thinking that one day he would wkae up and be the man I know he can be. He was always somewhat the blacksheep of his family, the partier, didn't start college until 4 years out of HS, not too responsbile. But I'm the one who believed in him. I'm the one who knew he would make a good H and father. And he was a good H. Always home, helped round the house, was ALWAYS there for support. I've read of instances where the spouse was not there in times of need, birth of a child, death of a family member, hospitalizations. Never, not once was H ever absent for any situation. I could call him whenever, wherever and he would have come through for me.
How do you get past multiple d-days. My second d-day wasn't even a real d-day. It was my finding out that he had a few continued phone calls with her and that he loved her, it was 2 weeks after the first. That period of time is so lumped together it never felt like two seperate occurrances.
I don't think I can get past a year and half of more contact. I think it may have been easier if they had just been meeting up for sex, but this across the country, emotional bond. How can you convince yourself that it was not real love that they were experienceing. Over the past 2.5 years although he never told me he didn't lover her, I had convinced myself that once he was out of the fog he would see it wasn't true love, but infatuation. After this I don't think I can convince myself of that anymore and I don't think I can live with the fact that he was truly in love with someone else.
I swore I would not accept another d-day. I wonder if I've sub-consciously known for a long time but could face it. I've thought for a long time "he's probably still in contact with her". But kept putting it out of my head as jealousy and mis-trust. How can you ever gain the trust back.
I wish I was dead. I've felt this many times over the last few years when I felt he wasn't stepping up to the plate. I'm not suicidal (that was early after d-day 2), I just wish I wasn't on this earth anymore.
Hopearoo - The voice recorder - it toook me a couple of weeks to get in my head that I needed to do it. I even felt guilty doing it. Imagine that! I bought it at Radio Shack, $60. I chose the one that had a timer. If you still suspect or just need peace of mind, I would do it. Unfortunately I was really hoping for peace of mind and unfortunately got confirmation of a new nightmare.
Everything you wrote....that is how I have felt. 2 years I felt something wasnt right after d-day 1...subconsciously I knew....but I didnt want to believe it...thought he would wake-up one day...thought it was just the drugs. Another reason why I wanted him to stop the drugs. Two fogs to deal with...what is the drug...what is the A...what is real once both are gone? We may honestly never know. And for me, that is very hard to accept. Along with that comes as Coral said, I didnt know him, not the side of him that he was showing the OW anyway. For you and me, and any other BS who's WS has an addiction, we also know there is yet another side that is just as much in the fog.
I know you struggle with did I have 2 d-days or 3...maybe it was 5 or 6? For me, the meaning of d-day is just that, the discovery of another lie, another betrayal, whether it is even linked to the original betrayal or not. Any way you slice it it is more pain from finding out you have once again been lied to...once again betrayed. If you feel it is another d-day then that's what it is. Dont get stuck on that becuase you said you would never tolerate another d-day. We all say things...we all feel there is only so much we can handle...when you cannot take one more lie...then you will know that when it happens. As they say "you will know when enough is enough".
D-day 1 Finding out WH was cheating
D-day 2 Finding out WH was still cheating after 2 years of false R
D-Day 3 Finding out WH was still using drugs after 1 year of promising me he had stopped and he lied about wanting to stop...he never had any intentions of stopping...just thought Id accept it.
D-day 4 Finding out that he had lied to me 19 years ago (and kept the lie going all this time)about a trip abroad
(where there were drugs, and hookers involved and a lot of money was spent that I didnt know about)
What else don't I know? Will there be a D-day 5, 6, or 7? Who is this man? All I know is with each betrayal the chances of ever truly reconcilling becomes slimmer. They become callus about what they have done to protect themselves from the guilt they feel and we start to build a wall around our hearts to protect us from the pain as Denise has said. All I know is that it hurts more when you thought you couldnt hurt any more than you already do...and that we question everything. I also felt like I didnt want to be on this Earth anymore...I so get that, I really do, as I have often said those exact words.
Again, I am so sorry you are going through this ((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
He made HIS choices. He is responsible for the harm he has done. He didn't ask for my opinion. He just did what he wanted to do. He was not committed to the marriage as deeply as I was. He told himself lie after lie. I can not control him or his behavior, only how I react to him. NO ONE is worth giving up my life, my happiness, or my self-respect for.
An A beats us up and wears us down. We get to the point where it is easy for us to believe the lies a WS spouts because they say them so often that they start believing them and then treat us as though the lies were the truth. Remember that they are not the truth. They are just what the WS tells him/herself to justify their horrible behavior. Their lies will NEVER be the truth. You do not deserve to be treated the way your H is treating you. Put up your boundaries and enforce them for YOUR sake. Short of holding a gun to your head, no one can treat you poorly without some kind of natural consequence unless you permit him/her to do so.
This is war, baby, and you are the your own army. Do what you need to do to survive because your H has been taken over by his own demons and can't help you now.
Just my fairy cents' worth and HUGE encouraging fairy hugs,
