After chucking WH's old cell phone (actually MY cell phone)out the window a little over 2 years ago, TODAY he goes and gets a new one and doesnt expect me to trigger over this? WTF? I want to take that cell phone and frickin' shove it down his throat! And the first thing he does with it is text our daughter..."I love you"! THEN he calls me to tell me his new cell number, asks me if I want it? This is one of the first times I ever gave him such a flippant response to a question. I said "why? It's not like your're going to answer it when I call, so what's the point? Last time you literally grabbed my cell phone out of my hand so you could use it to contact OW and carry on your A" He goes "thanks, that makes me feel real good" I said "good...consequences for your actions then isnt it? Had you not used MY cell phone to cheat on me with maybe I wouldnt feel that way"...then he changed the subject.
You know, this really pisses me off. I know it shouldnt but it does. He just doesnt seem to understand how much he hurt me and that the cell phone was a BIG part of what enabled the secrecy of the A. And yes, once again, he refused to get a plan and it is pre-paid! No way to track anything! He thinks money wise it is the way to go. Sorry, not good enough for me. F- him...that is how I feel right now! I could friggin' spit nails! His rationalization for the cell is that if we need to get a hole fo him, or there's an emergency...yea, if there's an emergency in your pants you can call your whore to take care of it!
I know this is not like me...right now between finding out he lied to me 19 years ago about something major and feeling very betrayed, now the cell phone. Plus, he is now acting like "father of the year" with the kids. Where was he even a year ago...even a few weeks ago with our daughter and the drunk? WTF???? It has just pushed me over the edge!
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
The man lives in a small apt..having a phone is really necessary for him, because if you need to reach him he is reachable..
Triggers for you absolutely ..Cal seeing him use the phone hurts..OK..but if you needed to reach him last week.. you had to drive … He is now reachable. Cal he is living his own life..I honestly don't think that he really understands the depth of your hurt..he is too self consumed with his own selfishness and he was in the fog of the addiction so he never really saw your hurt.
He has issues but he is trying in his own way..even if it not the best or most appropriate way...shake your head and let it go. His being the father of the year..will never happen..but he is the father and he is doing some right things..just questionable reasons.. You want him active in the kids life.. kids are smart..they know what is real and what is false affection.
Keep thinking about your life and the improvements you have made. Don't let him get to you..it may be a game to him and he won't win.
((((hugs)))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
Thank you for your responses Pat & Ami. I know he needs a phone, but he could have gotten a land line, why a cell phone? the apartment had a land line before, so the wiring is there. I asked him that and he just said the cell phone was better for the money. That's the thing....C talked to me about how my WH chooses to live when he has the money to do otherwise. It is not that WH needs to be thrify...that he needs to live this way...he chooses to live this way and uses "money" as his rationalization when money is not a factor. Yes, he is leading his own life. That is obvious. And he certainly doesnt care about how I feel...that is also obvious.
The text message to daughter was a BIG trigger! The last time I saw the cell phone those were the words of the OW "I love you" on the text. God how that hurts! After that I never saw the cell again until d-day 1, and then I chucked it out the car window and watched it smash into pieces!!! Like you said seeing him with it just triggers the crap out of me. And you're right...he doesnt know how much he has hurt me. I dont think he ever will. He has this arrogance, that he is the victim and Im the bad guy for being hurt and making him feel bad. He did that to himself! He literally grabbed my cell phone out of my hand so he could use it to have his A. "I need this. I'll get you another one". Who does that? Why didnt he go out and get his own phone? Why did he take mine? I dont think anyone gets this. He used my own phone against me! Then he never answered the damn thing! UGH!!!!
I know that a lot of people are going to think Im over-reacting. Maybe I am. I dont care. I hate cell phones! People are just so used to them these days and many cannot live without them so they may not understand what the big deal is because it's not a big deal to them. Well, it is to me! Just like a little pot is no big deal. Well, it is to me. I have learned from experience that if I let other people invalidate my feelings and feel it shouldn't be a big deal and there is something wrong with me for feeling the way I do, then I mise well just lay on the floor and be a doormat once again because invalidation is how I got there before. I know most here will understand that it is a big trigger and I am very emotional about it right now. Im sure eventually I will calm down, but this is how I am feeling right now.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
This message has been edited by SoCalGal on Mar 7, 2008 9:58 AM
I think we all understand why you are so angry. Remember that WS tell themselves that what they are doing won't really hurt us because that is just part of their rationalization. My H has told me that he said that to himself, and until the last year or so, he truly did not understand just how deeply his A devasted me. He does now, and he is genuinely remorseful, but it can take some people a LONG, LONG time to get to that point of understanding, and I am afraid some people never do.
The first step to understanding is wanting to understand or at least to be willing to make the effort. Your H has done neither, so why would he understand, and as much as you want him to, he doesn't.
I am sorry you are hurting. And as much as it pains you to see "I love you" in a text from him to your D, please remember that he is trying to reach her, as feeble or as surface-level as his attempts seem to you. If he is reconnecting with your D and helping her, that is a good thing. But no matter what he does or doesn't do, he is NOT you, and any relationship he has with your D can never replace the one you have with your D. She knows that if not clearly, intuitively.
I hear your pain. I understand your pain. So many of us do. Everything you're feeling is understandable and justifiable.
I hate technology - - so much of it! - - I recognize all too clearly the role it played in helping the A happen. It made accessibility soooooooooo easy. OW could be "with" my H 24/7 because of cell phones, email, blackberries. I look at pagers and cell phones as a way my H could wear OW on his belt, or in his pocket, through family dinners and trips and surgeries, etc. and it makes me cringe.
But we all also know before high tech reached out its tentacles, affairs were happening. The blame rests squarely with our spouses...and though I hate the OW in our situation and know she was a manipulative person orchestrating what happened...she was merely a receptacle or substance. If it hadn't been her, it would've been someone else. If I'm really looking at who to be angry with, I have to look at H.
But, Cal, I say this with as much love to you as possible, listen to Pat. Your understandable rage is blinding you. In the same way that we've all learned that we must let go of blind trust, we need to not let blind rage rule. Acknowledge your feelings. Validate them for yourself. And we will validate them, too. But don't let the strength of the triggers replace the strength you've found along the way. Your individual power doesn't lie in your anger.
Your H's very tiny push towards connecting with your D shouldn't be lost in the maelstrom of your trigger. Though we can easily look at your H and see so very many things he could and should be doing, for your D's sake, this positive baby step shouldn't be negated.
My H just got a new Blackberry 2 days ago at work. He is very happy about this because he sees his old Trio as a specific historical piece of the A. I'm not as happy as he is. I see his Blackberry as not a new, clean machine, but as a potential device to be used detrimently if H chooses bad behavior. If I go to the triggery place and reactional, I rewind back and lose where H is now and where I am now. Your H has not done nearly enough with his time, but I think we're all seeing his attempt at connecting with D as a positive. It doesn't mean that reconciliation is on the table, but he's not coming from an insensitive place of trying to hurt you; he doesn't hold your pain. I don't think he's ready to, Cal. But this wasn't his way of lashing out.
I hope I haven't offended you with what I've said. I really, truly do get what you're saying and feeling. Wow! Do I ever. As Pat said, breathe. Find your center again - that is where your strength lies. Much love, BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
I too see your H's text to your daughter as positive. I'm sorry it triggered you, but I bet it felt good to your D.
Choosing the pay as you go phone would also upset me. They're so disposable, no record. My H has a blackberry from his job. We don't get the bill and that is what he relied on to carry on this latest 1.5 year A. The first time he got caught because the phone was billed to us and I started to review the records. So this phone paid for by his job is just as bad as the disposable, no record.
I am a cell phone person myself, so I can understand your H desire to have a cell phone, but totally understand your triggers. I like H having a cell so I cn get in touch with him whenever, wherever, but it also triggers me because even before d-day 3, the cell phone was his way of keeping in constant contact with OW, during their initial affair.
Thank you all. I know the anger will pass. I have never been very good at holding onto anger, and that is good and bad. It is good in the sense that I know how to let it go, but bad in the sense that because I am able to let it go WH thinks everything is OK once I have....so he doesnt have to do anything except wait for it to pass. Another reason why WH feels I will "just get over it" cause that is what I do, but not this time (I mean with the whole A thing). I guess you have to pick your fights as they say...hold onto what is important and truly needs to be dealt with and let the rest go. For me, this was about my pain....not about our D, only the trigger for what he wrote, that's all, regarding the phone anyway. But it hurts that it took so much for him to even try to finally connect with her (her cutting), of course I want them to connect. But at the same time I want my pain acknowledged by him...I want him to feel it. He feels more like I am trying to punish him.
I did talk to WH a little bit about the phone today and why it upsets me. He said there is nothing he can do to make happy about it and that he cant change the past. He said he was sorry he hurt me. I said are you sorry for being caught or are you sorry for what you did. He didnt answer me just looked at me like Im crazy. I said there is a difference. He said he knows. So then I asked him why he looks at me like that, like he thinks Im crazy. I said Im not crazy, just hurting. He said he doesnt think Im crazy and he said my pain is the problem and why we are having such a hard time right now. (That's right blame it ALL on me because Im hurting). I said, I know you cannot change the past, but you can learn from it and change. I said have you learned from it, have you changed? He said he has learned from it. He did not elaborate on what he has learned. He has told me before that he has changed, but folks I just dont see it....some with regards to the children lately yes, but with me he is very cold.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
he hasn't changed in the ways you need him to change..he is being a father as best as he knows...the rest is lost on him... much easier to blame you for not understanding his issues..easier to say" it is all Cals fault because I gave up pot and she still doesn't let me move home" I am doing all that Cal asks..IC, pot, tests etc.. But Cal .he isn't doing the emotional intimacy that you need....Communication...the MC that he really needs to do if he wants you back..
Cal keep on the road you are on. Don't let him under-mind your progress
So sorry about what happened. It was very insensitive of your WH to get a cell phone, after what has happened in the past. I agree that he could have gotten a landline. At least he would have been showing you some sensitivity. But we all know that sometimes the WS isn't sensitive and don't get why you're upset or what they did wrong. I don't know what his mind may have been thinking while getting the cell phone--maybe it was an unconscious thing or maybe not---obviously from his reaction, it makes me think the former. I'm sorry though that you are going through the hurt again.
I wish you well and peace. You have the right to feel as you do.
Dear Cal, I know the look of "are you crazy". I have wondered about why this happens - I feel it is because I have changed and wife (and others) sometimes look at me as if they are amazed at how I am. Your H may be like my wife and I can see she wants me to be how she has me in her mind. I can see her strong habits and defences and I feel how I am meant to be - It is a kind of pressure. And I feel the hold habits too. I know just how easy it would be to slip back into being like I was. But, I don't look at things the way I did and I don't respond the way I did. So I am obviously "crazy". Yet, I feel, if anything, I must have been crazy before to put up with and be like I was in the past. I see crazy as best defined as not seeing reality.
I am also aware of how I have defences now between myself and wife - These are like boundaries but with fences built on them. I say fence rather than wall as I feel the divide between us as able to let relationship output come to me but not allow her to cross the line and overcome me. I know the defence is because I fear her. Also, I have become aware of how I fear myself being overcome and falling back into my old "crazy" ways. I can see how my defences may appear like walls to wife and how this may stop her being open and sharing with me what is going on. But this is not so - I am watching and relating to her but from a safe distance. A sexual relationship would trample down all this of course and I am absolutely sure I cannot do that with her right now. If anything I feel we are relating on a much more real basis - or at least I am trying to do that - NOT crazy, no.
This is the same man, he hasn't changed in the way you need him too. It is a GOOD thing he is reconnecting with his children but it is hard to accept he won't reconnect with you. His children will be around no matter what as he is their father.....you won't since you are likely headed for divorce and at minimum seperated.
You were doing such a great job of letting go, and it is very hard. Don't let this be a set back for you. You are strong, I know it!
You seem to keep holding onto the hope that he will transform into the man you need him to be. It isn't often that happens and there is a reason you have come this far (ie seperation). For your sake I wish it would happen as you are the sweetest lady, but the more time that passes the less that is likely to happen.
It's time to shift the focus back to YOU Cal. Forget about him and his silly antics. Forget about the cell phone. It is a trigger I realize and it would be upsetting, but he is seperated from you and doesn't have to answer for his actions anymore. It would be nice if they still showed respect eh
I like this one particular phrase.....don't make somebody a priority that considers you an option.
Be strong my dear. Don't give up and soon you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and praying for you Cal, and great post Kid. Hang in there sweetie. You've gotten this far by your own personal growth, don't let his actions pull you down, especially since you are separated. The recent posts about 180 make a lot of sense in your case too, as it focuses strictly on you and your children, and whatever he does is his own business. It doesn't affect you anymore, he's on his own!
