Hi all
Have been off the board for quite awhile. It wasn’t because of anyone here, just needed to take a break from everything "A" related.

It has been so long since I posted I am not really sure when I last did…so forgive me if I am repeating things you already know.

The holidays were very different this year. MIL went to WH’s brother’s house for Christmas (my BIL), and I spent it with my family. Both of us had a wonderful time, and my BIL & SIL had a lovely visit with MIL. We (WH and I) had a huge fight just before Thanksgiving when I tried to talk to him about the upcoming holidays. He was in denial about the holidays – ignoring them, pretending they weren’t happening. To the point of hanging up on me if I so much as broached the subject, so to this day he has no idea that MIL went to BIL for Christmas (less than 20 minutes from where he is). I don’t know if I did the right thing, but after the fight I decided that if he asked, even ONE TIME, what I was planning for the two of us, I would tell him. He didn’t, so he doesn’t know. It is obvious he didn’t care, and I can’t make him care, so why fight it. I am not angry or bitter, just resolved. It is what it is.

He continues to live deep in the fog, and has stopped counseling (again). I am biding my time, getting things into place and hope to be in a position to make those life changing decisions I have been dreading for so long. It is progress, a small step forward, that I have finally gotten my mind to this place. My heart is still kicking and screaming, but I am dragging it along, knowing that I can do no more, and if I don’t change things, a little part of me will wither and die (emotionally).

I realize as I read this it sounds negative…I am sorry that it does, because I did not mean it too. What I am feeling is rather more introspective as I have been sitting here thinking and working things through in my mind. And I am strong, stronger than I have felt for a long time. It is odd the things that trigger us…these last 2 years from November through January, I have gone into survival mode just to get past the holidays and my birthday and our wedding anniversary and of course the awful time when WH left which I now realize was forever. Then just about the time I think it is safe to come out of the water ---(dum dum..dada theme from JAWS playing in the background! have to have a little sense of humor ) March hits and it is the anniversary of the first d-day. This year…specifically tonight, I am feeling particularly introspective as the 4 year anniversary (of d-day #1) approaches. This week-end my parents are celebrating their 50th Anniversary and while I am happy and I can see that there is real and lasting love through their example, I can’t help but feel just a little bit sad that I will never see that kind of milestone. But at the same time it does give me hope that marriage can be forever, if two people can find a way to work through the tough times, respect each other’s differences and all the while, love, laugh and live for the future. Here’s to hope…it does spring eternal!

Wishing you all peace and HOPE.

JL

Yes, JL, Thank you for showing me where you are at.  Your words brought up something I have been reflecting on about how relationships bring me reassurance and help me be happy, including those on HH.  I have also come to realise, as you mention, how the relationship I entered with my wife was one in which I opened up to my deepest vulnerability and need to be held in safety and trust.  To me my marriage was the place I kept my heart safe - that is how I looked at it - As if wife would fulfill some need for me.  I can see also how I have expected things from others too in this kind of way eg my friends or work colleagues I expected to look after me and not be selfish etc..  Yet, I can now begin to see how this is selfish and unrealistic of me and, sometimes, how I too am unable to meet all the expectations of others.  From this I can see how foolish, but human, it is to put my happiness in the hands of others in this way - It is like putting a burden on their shoulders.  It is the unrealistic expectation of perfect behaviour that has made me unhappy.  This was something I projected and used as a way of looking at the world and myself.  Kind of "My wife (friend etc) would never do X".  Today I am just beginning to see how, in other situations, I have been really joyful and happy to connect and be with others (ie in relationship) but without expecting anything ie without depending on them.  It is possible to be there and remain free and independent.   I can see how the more vulnerable I am in relationship, the more trust is offered, then the greater the risk of being let down.  But, really the "love" I may have offered in the past had strings attached - I was depending on the other and so it was not really true love.  I can imagine a love of trust and understanding in which everyone is free and independent.  And that imagined perfect idea is helpful to me to appreciate how I can improve my relationships in future.  And, the relationships that seem to work best for me are those where there is an understanding on both sides of the imperfections and "selfish" human needs we all have.  The mistake I have made in a big way in the past is to hold on to unreal expectations, even putting them on the shoulders of others in the name of love.  Where I have deep resonant understanding with other people I can see that this foolish way is penetrated with a mutual understanding and acceptance.  When I feel this easy understanding with others my heart opens and I know the feeling of mutual trust, understanding and joy in that relationship.  At such times even the worst pain and suffering in my heart can be opened up to, understood, shared, accepted and, in some way, healed.   And, a final thought I have is about how inevitable it is to suffer at the hands of others in our love and relationship - Each time this happens I hope to look deeper for the answer and connect more with what I sense is at the base of me which seems to be even more capacity for love - And the pain becomes the door to yet another chamber of my heart.

may you be safe and well, contented and happy