This time around I feel I can't really confide in anyone. The first time around, I told my sister, best friend and several friends, only one of whom has been through an affair and a divorce (not by her choice).

This time around I told my:
sister - since we hadn't really been reconciled and I was already contemplating divorce, she absolutely sees divorce as the best thing for me and doesn't really understand the compexity and devastation of an A and or divorce.

best friend - a staunch advocate of divorce after an A, I don't think she really understood how I could stay with him after d-day 1. After d-day 3 her first words were get a lawyer and protect yourself.

They both will be supportive of me in my decision, but I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit to them that I could even remotely be thinking of reconcilling because I know how both of them feel and I view the support they give me will really be false. The advice of both of them is to get a divorce, so how can they truly be supporting my decision when they both believe it is wrong?

friend who's spouse had an affair and left her. She has been a savior to me. We were acquintances and now were friends. I knew she was going through a divorce and suspected it was A realated and I confided in her after d-day 2 (2.5 years ago). She totally supported me in working through the A and admired the fact that H & I were going to work on the marriage. She has been there for me these last 2.5 years. She was diappointed about d-day 3. She said she thought for sure when I recorded H that I was going to find nothing. I know that she will also support me and I think out of everyone she will understand the best how I could possible consider reconcilling.

I'm not sure if we will end up reconcilling, I don't know where I'm at. This time around I just don't feel like I have the support I had the first time. Its like when you pregnant the first time and everyone falls all over you. By your third kid, people hardly even acknowledge your pregnant.

I just needed to get this out, and KNOW that people on this board will be supportive because they have seen it all. This time around I think this board will be my lifeline.

Lisa

Dear Lisa, yes, I found the people here to be a wonderful community of support - A great resource.  At one point my therapist felt I was spending too much time here.  I later changed my therapist and the new one supports me being here.  I have found the people here are trustworthy and know so much about this subject - and others too.  For me one outcome of my anguish has been to re-learn and appreciate just how wonderful a good network of relationships can be - We are all together.

may you be safe and well, contented and happy

((((((((((((Lisa))))))))))

Of course everyone here will be here for you and support you no matter what you decide to do. We all know how complex realtionships are to begin with, throw in the A and the drugs and it just all became 100 times more complex. No one here will judge you whether you stay with your WH or you go. However, I do agree that talking to a lawyer to protect yourself is good whether you stay or go because it is in your best interest to know your rights no matter what happens. It gives you strength believe it or not...at least it did for me. It took away some of the fear if I decided to leave or if I were left with no choice.

With an A it is just like with the drugs. My sister-in-law was more upset about her brother not keeping his word about his drug use than she was about him cheating on me. She said she would never tolerate a druggie for a husband. We all say those things dont we...until it happens to us. Her husband at one time was on 3 different pain meds for his back. What would she have done had he become addicted to those drugs? No one knows what they would do if they were in your shoes because they have not been there. They will support you because they love you and they will point you in a direction they feel is best for you...but in the end, although they mean well, you have to do what is best for you Lisa. That is all any of us can do. The problem? Firguring out for yourself exactly what is in your best interest. That's the truly hard part, and valuing yourself enough to do it.

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))) Hang in there!

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha