I am stealing this line for the Healing board "I can't make you love me if you don't"

Well, I am joining the group of those feeling unloved here. My WH wont just come right out and say he doesnt love me, but claims he has been unhappy in the marriage since pretty much always. Said he has been using durgs and the A and everything else to avoid facing the truth about how he feels about me. I asked him why he married me then...he had no answer. I said I know on our wedding day you loved me...I saw it in your eyes. I know hours before your accident...I saw it in your eyes. I said so what changed in a matter of hours? He said being faced with his own mortality! My heart just sank. How cruel is that?

Then I told him I didnt want to work at the business anymore. I started to cry and he came over and hugged me. He started crying, tears streaming down his cheeks, saying he needed my help. I told him he doesnt need me or my help...he has proven that and has made it perfectly clear. It is his business and it doesnt matter if I am not there. He begged me to stay and was sorry the place made me hurt so much. Why should I stay? I told him if we get divorced what makes you think I would want to continue to work there? He said "there is no reason for a divorce unless you are planning to marry someone else". Gave me the speech about how I will always be a part of his life, how we are connected through the children, how he loves me (not in a romantic way) blah, blah, blah. He said he was trying to be honest with me and with himself. So then I said when I gave you so many outs in the marriage why didnt you just leave then? He said because he didnt know what he wanted, and still doesnt know. He said it is best that we stayed separated (although I was not asking him to come home) while he is working on how he feels. He still feels if he had loved me the way he should he would not have done the things he has. I told him it was more about how he feels about himself then how he feels about me. He did not agree with that statement. But when I said he dealt with his feelings the same way, with using drugs, long before he met me he agreed with that. Then I asked the big question "are you still pot free"? He said pretty much. I said what does that mean, pretty much? I said either you are you're not. He said he smoked last Saturday. I asked him why. He said because a guy he knows gave him a little pot as a "thank you". I said a thank you for what? He said because he gave him some extra food when he ordered and he was thankful. I said you could have been gracious and said no thank you but that you appreciated the thought. He said he wanted to smoke it. I said again "why"...he said he doesnt know. he said he is not in a pot fog anymore and is dealing with his emotions. He is not abusing it but is using it occasionally. I said it was like offering an alcholic a shot. He said you cannot compare alcoholism to his using pot occasionally. he said they are two different dieseases. I said addiction is addiction!

Then said he was tired of the constant belittling. I asked when I belittled him. He said about him not wanting to buy a new house. I said you were cheating on me and you kept making up excuses as to why now was not the time to buy a house. I said I knew you were not commited because of your reluctance about getting a new house. He said I was right. I said so then why did you feel me asking about getting a house was belittling? He said it was the way I said it. I said if I was harsh it was because I knew the reason why you didnt want to get a house...I said I was hurting cause I knew you were cheating and not commited. And I said I didnt not constantly bring up the issue of the house, for awhile I did, I know, but then I gave up on that dream. Of course only his feelings were important. It didnt matter that me and the kids did not feel like a priority and we are cramped in this small twin. We didnt feel like a priority because we werent. I felt he wasnt commited because he wasnt, and still isnt, nor do I think he ever will be.

Anyone else think this conversation was full of contradictions or was it just me? Sometimes after talking to him I am more confused than before we spoke. He has this way of just dancing around things. He doesnt love me but doesnt want a divorce? Doesnt love me but wants me to stick around (and work at the business) while he figures out what he does want? Is still smoking pot but isnt in a pot fog? I was belittling because I did not accept his excuses about not getting a house when he was the one cheating on me and that was the real excuse but he was too chicken to tell me? My head is spinning from all the contradictions and bull. What I do get from the conversation is that he is still deep in the pot fog and he still wants his cake and eat it too! And that it's all my fault he has been unhappy all these years!

And then he grabbed me and gave me this big passionate kiss before he left! I have no idea what that was about! I just stood there kindof shocked as he left....and wondering what just happened?


~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Do you need to chat? 

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”

Cal,

I hesitate stating my opinion, but here goes. In my many years on this board, I have heard this many times. Matter of fact, I remember well, my in the fog telling me, he loved me, but was not sure he was in love with me. When you have been with someone so long and then have an affair.. well there is no comparison. The oxcitocin I think it is called, is a chemical that makes new " love" all that. With you he has been there done that, AND as my H said when he sees himself through my eyes he sees himself as a piece of $hit. Well yeah...


What I have seen cure that fog thinking is a TRUE separation. Not one where he has his cake and eats it too. Please think about your situation. He has your words to remind him of his failures ( and you ARE right, but just understand that sure doesn't excite him or make him love you) he has the kids, he has your help at the store AND he has the security that you are his wife and " don't want to marry anyone else" sounds like he gets what he wants.

My cousin told me it was when she filed for divorce that her H finally came around. That was 2 1/2 years after he left her, but by then it was too late for her. It was the best thing she ever did cause NOW the man she loves treats her like a queen. She met many men as a single woman, and this time she chose the right one!

Basically as long as his needs are being met, why should he change? You are the wife and kids. He has his work.

When you take care of YOU and figure what is best for you then you can decide if he is what is best for you. Right now it sounds like he will let you know what he wants when he feels like it if he isn't too busy.

That sounds like a world of hurt to me.

I am sorry for all your pain. I know your family is your priority. Right now take care of you and beloved kids. If and when your H grows up you can decide if he is what is best for you.

With love,
El

Wow El, you really seem to be hitting the nail on the head there. 

And my other thought on reading the post from CAL was how indeterminate Mr CAL sounded - And it made me feel I was like that in some ways myself right now - And I feel pathetic and indecisive and useless - And, worse, may be even harmful to wife.  I have come to see that often the men can be the most unable to be clear and definite in these matters and it is the women that seem so direct and logical - about love and relationships.  It seems to me that this is how it is perhaps - a difference in approach.  Or.. I am just as useless as Mr CAL here and need to get off my own fence - And I can see this also has some truth in it.  My personal excuse is that I want things to work out for everyone to be happy and given time things resolve.. However, my therapist keeps saying "You can't keep everyone happy". 

may you be safe and well Cal and all those around you

So basically he was acting all contradictory and saying "I love you, but i'm not in love with you"........hmmmm

I hesitate to state my opinion in case I'm wrong, but if anybody else on the board posted that, what would your first thought be Cal??

That they were still cheating.................................

And why does he need a cell phone now? ............................... same reason that is why it is such a big trigger still for me...it is my gut isnt it? My gut-o-meter!

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

I can't say for sure Cal. Only you know in your heart if your gut-o-meter is going off big time. Maybe he is finally being honest, but if what is coming from his mouth isn't making sense, there is usually a reason. I couldn't figure out for the longest time how he could say he didn't love me and that he must not love me if he did what he did. Then I realized......he was in "the fog".

I don't know all the facts and everything that has happened and he has said, so maybe that's not what it is. I just know that I heard alot of that BS before we seperated also.

I hope for your sake that isn't the case. But as I said, only you have a true picture of all that is happening and can make that judgement call.

Hugs
Kid

((((Cal))))

I think Kim is right...until he comes out of the fog, his actions will be contradictory and confusing because it is all about HIM. He still thinks he can have it all - you, the kids, the pot, his so called friends who enable his addictions.

We have no magic words, no wand to wave to lessen your pain. Only you can know what is best for you and your family. Only you can really know and judge the situation. All we can do is be here for you. And we are.

((((hugs))))

JL

Kim...I can handle a lot...BUT I know without a doubt if I found it to be the case, that he is cheating again...it is over. Not that it isnt over already, just not offically...but detaching all the way would more assuridly happen instantly. I hope with all my heart it isnt true...that he could just be honest. But he doesnt know how to be honest. What do I expect? That's the problem....expectations. I keep expecting him to do the right thing. That isnt going to happen is it? I have to accept that. When I do...it will officially be over.

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

(((Cal)))

I was just responding and then saw your last post. I know how you feel.

((((hugs))))

JL

Cal he is in a fog...he is still all about himself...keep going in your own direction...let him go in his.. he is in his.FOG...big time and its not clearing at all...

((((hugs)))

Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."