Ok...someone please explain this to me. On DEEPER I mentioned that I want to hurt my WH, emotionally, not physically. But what I dont understand is why I want EVERYONE to know the truth. IC asked me why isnt it enough that I know the truth and that WH's family knows the truth? I said because he is telling everyone lies...the customers and the employees. The pictures from Italy....he tells everyone how HE took his children to see where he grew up. The truth is Italy sucked! WH didnt want to be there. He was in withdrawl from not smoking pot and from not seeing OW. He didnt want to be there and made all of our lives HELL! He treated us all like garbage, including his parents. Yet he tells a totally different story to the customers. He acts like this NOBLE guy...a family man and father. He is neither!
But ya know what? TODAY, I feel acceptance....acceptance of the TRUTH! I have been abused by every single person who should have been protecting me. I somehow feel I need to "out" the person who has abused me....and that would be my WH, my father, my brother, and my mother. My father is dead...he died when I was 14...he sexually abused me when I was 5. I have never "outed him". Then there was my brother...who physically abused me. He is also dead. He died when I was 21. Although my mother is aware of what he did, she never did anything about it....never once did she defend me against him or protect me when we were growing up. Then there is my mother, who emotionally abused me. Again, she has no idea what she has done. She would take me along with her when she went to meeet her OM. She would lock me out and tell me to play with his nieces and nephews. She said since I never complained that I somehow "understood" her needs. I was only 8 years old when she started her A, which lasted until my father died...how the hell could I undertsand? We have never discussed it to this day. Then there is my WH.....
I am not looking for pity. We all have a past. Things happend to each and every one of us that helped shaped who we are and how we have lived our lives....and the choices we have made. Most of my life I have equaled love with abuse. If you do not abuse me then there is no way you love me! I am glad that I no longer believe that to be true. How will that shape my future? How will that change anything? All I know is that it already has.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
This message has been edited by SoCalGal on Mar 27, 2008 8:27 AM
Just wanted to let you know that I can really relate to a lot of what you wrote. I think many of us here have some kind of history of abuse and yours sounds quite extreme. I am so amazed that you have been able to rise above it and see life as you do today.
I also feel betrayed by the people who were supposed to protect me although it was totally emotional...controlling father that didn't value who I was, wanted me to be what he thought I should be and often raged when he was disagreed with.....mother that should have protected me but shoved everything under the carpet....and yeah, we all know about the WH.
The net result - I have felt unlovable and that my value in a relationship is to provide a target abuse. Like you said, love and abuse become very tangled.
Like you, this theme has been a dominant discussion in IC and I have learned many of the same things as you:
-The people who abused me have huge issues of their own and do not reflect on who I am.
-I gravitated towards someone with abusive tendencies because that is what I knew and that is what I experienced as love.
-During those bad years, even without the knowledge of the A's, I did not exert my power to refuse abuse because I didn't get the help I needed. Instead, I went into denial and was complicit in the deceit. (I do not take any responsibility for H's choice to have an A but I do recognize that all the signs were there and I chose to ignore them. In my case, unlike many others here, it was obvious that H's behavior and several clues were staring me in the face.)
-And the good news is that I now recognize that I have the power to choose how I will allow myself to be treated. And I know that I my H needs to be in an emotionally abusive relationship because of his own demons, he will now need to look elsewhere. I am lucky in that he has faced his demons and become a kinder, more loving man - emotional abuse has no place in our M anymore.
I didn't really mean to talk about me but hope that by sharing my experience, you will recognize that you are not alone in looking at a past littered with all kinds of garbage. You are way ahead of me in understanding and internalizing all that you have learned.
And wanting to tell the world the truth? Totally understandable and just human. Nobody wants to feel that the person that has hurt them is "getting away" with anything. I hope you can find comfort in knowing that he is really not "getting away" with anything.. he has to live with himself and that can't be a happy place. I held to the belief that my H was having a great time out there with his OW and of course, there was excitement and thrill. But, as he becomes more sober, he also knows that it was desperate and pathetic.
This must be such a hard time for you but you are handling it with grace and courage.
Disclosure was a huge part of my being able to recover with my husband. Had this not happened, we would not still be together. For you it is different, I don’t think disclosure is going to bring you what you need. It will only make you look vindictive. In my mind it is best to leave it alone. Those who know your H and you both, will figure out the truth. Those who don’t, simply don’t matter. We are some of those who know the truth.
Accepting the truth and then venturing out on that path to change some of our personal behaviors is never easy, and we don’t know what we will see on the other side. But the truth is, the way we have been living just isn’t working anymore, so we have to try something new. For me it change has worked. One of my annoying learned behaviors was to just accepting things. I was not abused by my parents, I consider myself lucky to have a great pair . The area that has been difficult for me to out grow is the trauma and damaged caused by a foster child my parents raised with me and my siblings. Do to factors, way out of this little girls control, she was a mess. Much more than my parents could handle with out the proper training, which the state is too busy to provide, and they do much to cover up behavior problems in their wards anyway. The girl reeked havoc in my families life. My mother felt that you just don’t throw a child away, so even though she knew their was damage being caused by this little girl to her young children, she made the decision to keep her in our home, thinking she could make up for it with her own children in some way. She was wrong. When things with her became unbearable and I spoke up about it, I was always told to be understanding because she had had such a hard beginning in life. I learned to just silently take it and accept the unacceptable. Which is what I did in my marriage too. I needed to change this learned behavior from my childhood.
I also needed to approach both of my parents about this issue. My Dad and I have spoke in length on the subject. He blames himself. He says he knew the child should be sent back, but he didn’t have the heart to make my mother give up on her. The validation was good from him, but in my heart, it was my mother I was most angry with about this. It was my mother that I lost, do to the overwhelming needs of the foster child. I tried to talk to my mom about it, but her guilt got in the way. She told me, as she often did when I was young, that I over react and blow things out of proportion. I saw her pain. I saw the truth that a part of her knew, even though she could not face it, that she sacrificed her own children for the need of another. This is not an easy issue, by any means. It was enough for me, and I could finally let go of a pain I carried with me for way too many years. So when you are ready, talk to your mom. You probably will not get outright validation from her, but it will help to know you put it on the table. In a sense you are giving it to her, and she can do what she will with it.
The word that jumped to mind (and then was voiced in Ami's post) is "validation". The trauma of betrayal - ALL of the betrayal (WH, Mom, Dad, anyone)- leaves us months and years later still shaking our heads and asking "how" "why" even after we've dug deep enough to understand some of the underlying causes.
Betrayal screws with our sense of reality. It takes everything we knew to be true (and sometimes imagined to be true) and flips it 180 degrees. On top of that, when one has a spouse who has crazymaking behavior and flipflops on answers and reasons for the situation (not to mention blaming a BS with trumped up excuses for a WS's mistakes and choices), I think there is little wonder that we turn to the world and desperately want to shout from the mountaintops, mount it on billboards and print it on the cover of the New York Times: My spouse did this! This is the truth and here is the proof! See: I'm not crazy! This wasn't my fault! I worked my a$$ off to save this marriage! Please don't believe what they're telling you!
Its almost like if the truth isn't revealed, the betrayal is somehow still occurring...except this time the WS is speading their manure on the world at large. And we just want it to end. The lies. The cover-ups.
Having a history of betrayal makes the situation feel even more surreal and pathetic, like we are caught in this never, never, never-ending trap of constantly being victimized and played for a fool. Don't we ever get a chance to be in a situation where the game isn't rigged against us?
I understand the power and sadness in your sentence about love being equated with being abused. You and I and Susan and others of us with this history of abuse are finally at a point in our lives where we can now be empowered with what our own choices can be when we choose to no longer be victims. It sadly doesn't change the horrors of our history. Those memories are burned into our psyches, branded across our hearts and brains.
" I am glad that I no longer believe that to be true. How will that shape my future?" I am banking on this golden phrase of yours, Cal: the recognition that love - real, quality love - is possible without victimization and that knowledge of that clears the way for happiness. I cannot prevent other people from continuing to make bad choices and to behave in abusive ways, but I can sure choose to get out of their crosshairs and not lay down and take it anymore. We've got to be more proactive. We have to beat back the words of emotional abusers and hear from within ourselves: I am smart. I am capable. I am worthy. And I'm not hanging around to take crap from someone on the hopes that they'll offer me crumbs of love.
Hugs and prayers and hope and love to you, Cal. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
I wanted to tell everyone because it would make me feel better.
They would know how good I was and how bad he was.
They would know how patient and understanding and heroic I was to him and our marriage.
I was a Saint and he was the Devil.
I didn't tell them because it wouldn't really change anything.
It wouldn't get my marriage back.
It wouldn't get my dreams back.
It wouldn't get my innocence and blind trust back.
And, I risked being perceived as opposite of what I thought I would get.
There wasn't a way to tell people without appearing
vindictive, vengeful, juvenile, immature.
I would certainly appear crazy and they would gain understanding to our marital problems.
They would have validation for any explanation he might give them for why he did what he did.
But, really I didn't do it
because its not me.
I am caring, compassionate, understanding, loving, and forgiving.
I fill my life with the positive.
That has always served me best.
To be true to myself.
I haven't always done it well or perfectly.
Especially in the face of challenge.
The truly compassionate person is the one who loves the person who has hurt them.
To live up to that, I knew I had the strength
I just had to build it.
And finally I am here at forgiveness.
And, I love me for doing it, facing it, and having the strength.
I simply had to love myself.
Commit myself to surrounding myself with loving supportive people.
People who are as loving and supportive of me as I am of others.
Could I imagine my life if I had me by my side?
There are a bunch of "me"s in the world.
I'm not all that saintly, afterall.
Be me and I will attract them to me.
Be my extraordinary self, instead of my simply ordinary self.
And I will attract extraordinary people to me.
My H, should he want to be extraordinary is welcome.
But, he'll find it very uncomfortable to be anything less.
Simply to be in my presence.
This A was draining my energy.
It was stealing me.
If I don't take care of me....
I will not only lose him, my marriage, my dreams.
I will lose me.
Nurture myself by being with others that nurture me.
_______________________________________________________________________
Here's my free advice - toss it if you like. Understand that I know I'm oversimplifying.
It's yours to try on and see if it fits. If it doesn't just put it back on the rack and
read the next response.
_______________________________________________________________________
Advice #1 -
Leave him to his struggle.
It's his. Don't be selfish and make it yours.
If he wants your help he'll ask for it.
He's not asking for it.
Go live your life, your extraordinary life.
You are amazing!
You have so much energy, strength, compassion, and love to share.
There is a world of people dying out there to receive just an ounce of that.
You could have so much impact on so many people's lives
By sharing that with the ones who need it, who want it.
The contribution you could make could shift the world.
And, by the way, you need to direct all of that
to yourself first.
For all of the people in your life who have told you your contribution
is meaningless. Consider that you may have directed your contribution
to people who did not want it or understand its value.
_________________________________________________________________________
Just wanted to send hugs and admiration for everything you have gone through and how you have handled it.
One thing you said struck a real chord with me: you said your H is acting NOBLE. And that's exactly what my H did for three years. He was the noble lover giving up his perfect love for the sake of his (wicked witch) wife. He was the noble husband honourably taking his punishment for his affair. He was the noble father sheltering his children from the worst of his wife's pain. He was the noble friend saving OW from her own responsibility. Etc etc etc. And in fact none of it was noble. He was a cheating adulterer who decided he didn't want to live that way any more, but couldn't give up the image of himself as a "good person". Hence he had to invest everything with this nobility. Seems like your H is the rooster strutting on his dung heap crowing, but all the hens in the hen house probably see him as a ridiculous showoff, because they know they're the ones who make the eggs!
Don't worry, people who count will see through your H. You are dignified and graceous. As you have said, your H seems to be very sick, with huge problems he is hiding with these stories for the customers and family.
I think all of you are right. Part of me is just so tired of being quiet. I have a hard time letting others know that they have hurt me. I guess I just don't want to be a doormat anymore. Thank you everyone.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Yes, Cal I felt the same way. I felt offended deeply and wanted to shout out "Hey this is wrong wrong wrong!". I just had to share the sitauation with our close friends and later my family. I understand. Through sharing with the people close to me I found some support and connection that really gave and gives me strength. Certainly my two children have been so supportive - they have become a bit like the parents to me now. Then there is my spiritual beliefs and therapy two - both good supports and places where I found I was heard. For me the urge to shout out my outrage came early and faded after a while.
I also noticed and learned about my tendency to try always to make everyone happy, to keep things calm, cool and on an even keel. I too was/ am just that kind of person - And it dates way back into my past too. And I see how my wife's A brought back all the hurt from my childhood too.
What you feel seems like what I see here on HH quite often - It is that inner scream of pain. It feels quite human, natural and of the heart to me. We all have that need to be loved, held, appreciated, validated etc etc. Your H too - But he has chosen to make translate his inner pain into unhealthy behaviours - It is a kind of avoidance isn't it perhaps in his case - as if he is putting on an act. But, from what I have experienced and seen in others, this external act is a kind of distortion from the real inner and primal scream.
may you and all those around you be safe and well, contented and happy
Edited to add: I also feel on reflection that I reaslised I had been holding my wife as a kind of protective shield to my vulnerable inner heart - When I saw that she was not there for me it felt like the walls of my heart had been torn away - that is the pain I wanted to scream about - a scream to the universe to hold me - and to everyone and everything in it - That is the nature of the force that went into my need for all to see - I can see now that perhaps I was just like the newborn child exposed to the cold elements and crying out. It may seem dramatic to speak of it in these terms but that is how much it hurt. And my be with you too.
This message has been edited by JerryBond on Mar 28, 2008 2:55 AM
the truth DOES matter - to us, to everyone who tries to live their lives in the light, not the dark.
I can so empathise with the posters above with everything they say!
Recently I am struggling with lies again - this time, with the lies WH tells about our children to anyone who will listen, that they are 'typical' teenagers, greedy, thoughtless, careless, lazy. They are in fact very caring, organised and practical children who look out for each other and for me, and are now having to face the effect that their father's lies has had on the people they need to deal with. I never thought in the aftermath of the A and everything associated with it that the behavior of WH would come to this. WH is the greedy, thoughtless and lazy one...but oh what a good 'front' he puts up. So much so that almost no one will believe how he acts when no one else is watching. What remained of our childrens' caring for and about their father is being turned to mud. They too are mourning the father they wished they had and I am struggling with the work of encouraging them, at their age, to be better humans than the 'example' in front of them. To their eternal credit they are doing fine. WH on the other hand - well, it sure is not about the A any more - and it sure shows just how his internal world really works.
Cal, Susan, Jerry, everyone - thanks for your words, be strong. We need each other !
. The area that has been difficult for me to out grow is the trauma and damaged caused by a foster child my parents raised with me and my siblings. Do to factors, way out of this little girls control, she was a mess. Much more than my parents could handle with out the proper training, which the state is too busy to provide, and they do much to cover up behavior problems in their wards anyway. The girl reeked havoc in my families life. My mother felt that you just don’t throw a child away, so even though she knew their was damage being caused by this little girl to her young children, she made the decision to keep her in our home, thinking she could make up for it with her own children in some way. She was wrong. When things with her became unbearable and I spoke up about it, I was always told to be understanding because she had had such a hard beginning in life. I learned to just silently take it and accept the unacceptable. Which is what I did in my marriage too. I needed to change this learned behavior from my childhood. 
