I was so glad to see you post....care to update us on what is happening?
Please either post or email me...I've been thinking of you!

Denise

"Our lives begin to end when we become silent about things"

Hi Dee ... Hi HH family

I'm sorry that I am not posting ... I honestly have so little time on the computer these days!  But thanks for thinking of me (and I do lurk and keep up on all of you guys and gals when I can)!

We are in the separation process ... he has a place and has recently moved out.  We are attempting to go the mediation route, which has worked well so far.  Mind you... we haven't dealt with specific financials yet ... so we'll see how 'amicable' that will be!

I honestly have not looked back with any regret on anything.  There have been moments where I wonder why it took me 4 years to finally say that I'd had enough ... but those 4 years were a necessary part of my healing and I don't regret trying to repair the marriage or having remained hopeful that it could be saved.  But I also knew when it was time to walk away.  I have not regretted the decision to end the marriage.  It is sad... it should never have been damaged in the first place ... but 'could have and should haves' are pointless.  We both failed at reconciliation, but I feel better for at least having tried.  I truly believe I would have lived with alot of regret if I had ended my marriage when I found out about his affair 4 years ago.

My ex is a very unhappy man (under the surface) ... many of his actions since our separation have confirmed that he never really 'got' it.  I feel badly for him in the sense that he will likely repeat his same patterns over and over again ... and that lessens his chances of finding what he is looking for in life.  But that is no longer my problem.  He is a good father and right now that is the most important thing.

I have gone out on a few dates ... and it's been interesting (to say the least)!  I have promised myself that I will have 'fun' ... good, responsible - fun!!  Who knows how my life will unfold?  At the end of the day ... much of it is in my control and I plan to nuture it and enjoy it!

Love and miss you guys!  I won't be a stranger!!

Kara

I am so glad you posted sweet Kara - for you've been on my mind a lot lately.

I know that you worked hard at the reconciliation process with your H. You did what you could from your end and right now, it is what it is. I am glad that you look back on the 4 years with no regret. I too think that those 4 years were a necessary process for you to heal and to try all venues of healing for the marriage. I know that if I had ended my marriage immediately I would have regretted it - I see where you are coming from.

Perhaps your STBX will at some point see the errors of his ways? Maybe not. You cannot save him from repeating his errors...that is his to own and his to repair if he so chooses. As you stated, as long as he continues to be a good father - that is the most important thing.

I am saddened by your soon divorce...I'm always sad to see a marriage ending....but sometimes that is simply something that must occur in order for mental and emotional survival.

I am so glad to see you posting...and do not be a stranger!!!!

Many hugs to you!!!

Denise

"Our lives begin to end when we become silent about things"

So glad to hear from you! Even happier to hear you are doing well. You tried so hard to do what was " right" yet, you also seemed to know that he was not right for you. I am so proud of you Kara. You chose what is best for you and in the end that is the wisest thing to do. I know for the sake of your kids that was not easy to do. However, " if Mamma isn't happy ain't no one else happy either" . Good going Kara!

Each of us here has different roads to go, but what is most important after betrayal is not to do what society expects but to dig deep and find our own truth. To learn what will make us happy. You dear Kara are a wonderful, wise and loving woman. I am so glad you found the courage and strength to take care of you.

Please keep writing. Let us know how things are going. Give your beautiful kids a hug for each of us and know you are loved.

Always,

El

Oh El ... like everyone on this board - you have the ability to touch a heart with your passionate words unlike anyone I've ever known!  Having had the priviledge of actually speaking on the phone with you ... I know that your passion for people runs very deep!

I am doing well....very well!  This was the path that I had to take... certainly it is not the path of least resistance - I'm not sure there is such a  thing when you are recovering from an affair!  I don't like my STBX - but I don't hate him either.  He is a very fractured individual.  By all means - he is a nice guy and a good father...there is nothing about him that is offensive in any way.  But inside, he is fractured ... and sadly is unwilling/incapable of using the horrible experience to 'better' himself.

It doesn't matter anymore ... I hope he finds what he is looking for.  I do think that he is a cup that can not be filled.  He will continue to look to others to fill his cup ... and that is sad.

I just finished reading the book "Eat, Pray, Love" and I LOVED it!!  One particular paragraph in the book hit me and I have read it daily since.  It reads,

"I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential.  I have fallen in love more times that I care to count with the hightest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself. and  then I have hung on to the relationship for a long time waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness.  Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism."

I absolutely adore you El...as well as ALLof you HH-ers (especially those who were around when I joined back in 2004).  I miss all of you ... and I won't be a stranger!

Love always,

Kara

Sweetie,

You and I have been trying to heal for about the same amount of time. I can remember your coming here and posting about your frustrations, anger, angst and pain many times. I had such high hopes that your H would come around, see your pain, see what a wonderful wife he had, and work his butt off to keep you. But when I read your words, "many of his actions since our separation have confirmed that he never really 'got' it." I knew there was no more hope.

You gave and gave and gave. You fought the good fight. You will never have occasion to wonder if you did all you could have done to save your marriage.

Be proud of yourself for the hard work you did. Be proud of yourself for not subjugating yourself to a failed marriage and losing Kara in the process. What a wonderful role model you are for your kids: Fight as hard as you can until you see that there is nothing left to fight for.

Happy-for-you fairy hugs,

fairyfriend

Dearest Kara,

For starters you make me feel so loved my friend. It was my priviledge to speak with you on the phone dearest Kara. Hearing your voice was such a special moment. You are so loving and so filled with life.

I have really enjoyed our friendship and am so glad to have heard your voice and heart. I remember right from the start your wanting more out of life than your H was capable of giving. You knew he would never be able get it... and yet you were willing to give it your all. I had so much respect for you Kara. You fought the good fight. I rememeber when you talked about moving hoping that would fill your heart. All along you knew he could not find the strength you needed and yet you tried.

Now you are sounding so strong and confident. The very Kara that I heard peeking out from all those doubts. The one who lives life and loves to the fullest.

Talk about wise.. Kara I think these words sum it all up for all of us. Those who make it and those who don't and WHY.

Kara writes;
" But inside, he is fractured ... and sadly is unwilling/incapable of using the horrible experience to 'better' himself.

It doesn't matter anymore ... I hope he finds what he is looking for. I do think that he is a cup that can not be filled. He will continue to look to others to fill his cup ... and that is sad."


Your children are very lucky to have you for a mother. Not only will they always know love they will also have wonderful guidance to help them through life.


"Eat, Pray, Love" and I LOVED it!!

How ironic! I just bought it!!! Now I can't wait to read it Kara!


Kara please keep us posted. I am so happy you have chosen what is best for YOU. It is a hard road, but you deserve the best Kara and finding your best self is the path you are on my friend.

Much love to you always,
EL