I didn't want to divert Susan's thread, but I did want to thank you, El.

In your post to Susan, you wrote "I have learned that my old marraige is gone. It is dead. That is why we never did a renewal of vows. I never broke mine.. what would I gain from another ceremony?"

After my first DDay in 1999, my H promised he would have nothing more to do with OW, loved me, didn't want to hurt me, blah, blah, blah. I wanted to have a recommitment ceremony, but he showed no interest in doing so. I felt hurt and gave up on the idea.

Fast forward to early this year, more than 4 years past DDay #2. During a session, our MC talked to us about having a recommitment ceremony of some sort and rewriting our vows. I didn't feel very warm about the idea, but couldn't verbalize why not. Your words express exactly how I feel. Thank you.

I will share them with my H and our MC. If my H wants to recommit to me he can, but I never broke my vows, so I don't feel the need to recommit.

Ack! Why the he** couldn't they just have thought before they acted?!?

ff

Edited to add: To even ask the BS to recommit to the marriage is almost insulting because the insinuation is that we have a reason to recommit. How can we recommit when we never stopped being commited to the marriage?

edited for grammar errors

That is the beauty of healing. It is by sharing our unique feelings that we gain clarity. You wrote


"Edited to add: To even ask the BS to recommit to the marriage is almost insulting because the insinuation is that we have a reason to recommit. How can we recommit when we never stopped being commited to the marriage?"


Which I think puts the finger on MY feelings!!!!!!


Only here can we gain such unique and valubale perspective and healing. There are so many pieces to this puzzle called healing and that is why it takes so much time. Adultery and all it's ramifications are hidden away and never talked about. So when it hits in real life who can you talk to? And for how long? My friends who have not been there were bored after a few weeks of tears and talk talk talk.. yet here I am 8 years later still learning.

Each piece of the puzzle has to fit somewhere and together we make a whole.

Thank YOU dear Fairy Friend for your words of wisdom in so many posts. Thank you also for helping me to feel whole with all your loving kindness.
Much love,
EL

I am a long time reader, but rarely post. It will be 6 years this summer from my BIG d-day - the day I fell in to a hole and had to fight my way back. I am fortunate, that after 5-6 months, my H really 'got it' and has done everything humanely possible to mend his ways. He is a true FWS.

When my husband went on his first 'date' with another woman, I decided my marriage died. I have taken off my wedding ring, and I don't celebrate our anniversary. I do wear a 'fake' wedding ring around family to discourage questions, but otherwise I do not wear my original ring. I did not want a renewal ceremony.

I also changed my married name back to my maiden name. Somehow, this has re-established who I am, and has helped me heal. I am a woman who will NEVER tolerate what he did again.

This summer will be our 25th year anniversary. My H would really like to celebrate it, but instead we have come up with a new plan. We are going to get 'married' again. It will be just a private ceremony with the 2 of us where we will exchange new rings. We will invite all of our family and close friends over to help celebrate. To them, we will be celebrating our 25th, to us it will be a new beginning. One I am really looking forward to.

Carly, that sounds really nice

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

So interesting that many of us are dealing with the idea of renewing of vows. Recently, my H's IC suggested that we have do that.

My response was also negative. Sadly, I now believe that vows are meaningless. As we have all learned, vows can be broken and a ceremony would just remind me of that.

I am looking at H's behavior,the effort being put into rebuilding our M and the what he says to me in honest, intimate conversations. He is doing amazingly well in all regards. I don't want to hear the words that will remind me of his former self and the liar/cheater he became.

On the other hand, my best friend, another BS, found real solace in a renewal of vows ceremony. She thought of it symbolically as a new beginning. So, every one needs to find their own way.

We did a "smudge" ceremony. We are definitely not into that kind of voodoo magic but came across a smudge stick in a local store. You burn it and its smoke is supposed to exorcise all evil spirits. We carried it around our house shooing all the spirits away and actually laughing at ourselves.

And, I have been on a major re-decorating spree, so that everything looks different from when I wandered around lonely and sad while H was out with OW. I get tremendous joy from giving or throwing away all reminders. For example, H has always made (delicious) coffee for me every morning of our married life. I can't stand that he was doing that while cheating so we gave the coffee maker away to a friend and got a new one.

I think that symbolic gestures help. Everyone needs to find those that can maybe help them.

Here I go again......

I would renew in a heartbeat....we have recently talked about this also and we have decided to wait until our 25th. That will be in a little over 4 years.

I want to celebrate the new beginning that we have...Our first 15 years were great-the typical marriage-the next 2 were horrible and then last 3 we have worked incredibly hard to get where we are today. I want to celebrate the fact that we made it. That we still love each other. But this time our marriage has more meaning-it's the new half of our lives. There is more respect for each other, more openess. I know what he is really like now.....the good, the bad and the ugly. And I choose to stay. He also knows sides of me that he never knew exsisted and he choose to stay with me. It wasn't because of the kids, or financial end of it. It was because even though he did this, he still loves me and I him.

I know everyone is different...hurt on different levels and no one knows that exact pain that it has caused but I think eventually people have to move on....if not they may be stuck and never be happy again.

Just my "off the wall" thinking.......

Laura

I don't think I can renew my vows.. I didn't break them.. ands H has never brought it up either.

I struggle with a bigger issue..we have been "married" for..one week shy of 39 yrs.. for most of those yrs he cheated . I cannot celebrate anniversaries...there is no desire or" wow " we made it in me.. I celebrate my children on that date..but not the marriage. I love my H but not on that day.. it still hurts me..

After D-day 1 - 23 yrs ago H bought us new rings promising that he would be faithful.. we had our own cermony..his faithfulness.. I don't think lasted a yr.. and then many more women until D-day 2 five and a half yrs ago. He has changed and is a different person.. I have forgiven him in my heart..but there are aspects of my life that he destroyed.

the consequences for my H is that I will not celebrate anniversaries or my birthday with him...he knows that he will have to stop any party that our children may want to have for me or for us.. He ruined those days for me..I still get triggered on those days. the sad part for me is I was a big believer in celebrations of birthdays..that is something I am working on re-owning but not there yet.. I just want the day to be gone.

Pat


Edited because I wrote the wrong # of yrs ...