Today my daughter got off her braces. I wanted to do something special for her so I asked her where she would like to go out and eat. She said she wanted me to make dinner, not go out. Monday night is the night the kids usually spend with their dad so I invited him to stay for dinner. Before he left he said thank you for everything that he had a nice evening. He hugged me. Then he looked at me with those BIG brown puppy dog eyes and I let him kiss me....I mean a real kiss...the toe-curling kind! I felt everything inside of me melt...then I began to panic. I told myself I would not give in to him....or all would be lost and I have come so far. But it was he who did the right thing. He told me I was not some piece of meat (real romantic, I know) and he said he had to go. Suddenly I snapped out of it! What was I thinking? I feel so ashamed...like I let myself down for having a moment of weakenss.
We have been together for 22 years. It is hard to not miss him. And I do love him....maybe I always will. I do know the marriage itself is over and I know he is no good for me. But when will my heart catch up with my head?
OK...Im ready for the 2x4's now. I deserve them!
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
I love my ex wife...not the kind of love that a marriage could be rekindled with, but she is the mother of my daughters. I will always love her, you can't spend years loving someone and just forget.
I do know the marriage itself is over and I know he is no good for me.
Really a profound statement...only a person that is aware of their boundaries, needs, and having self confidence in their judgement can make that statement.
Cal...just because you had a moment of weakness doesn't mean you are going backwards, it only means you are human. No need to panic, you have grown as a person because you have come through an adverse condition and learned more about yourself.
So you had a moment of weakness...and you analyzed it...and came to the conclusion you know is right for you. Celebrate you strength and wisdom, forgive yourself for a moment of human weakness.
Dearest Carol, I don't think the heart will ever catch up with the head, I think it just quits trying to catch up and love dies a slow and painful death sometimes.
You have a long history with H and I know what a kiss like that can do. It is so lonely sometimes I can almost reach out and grab the loneliness as if it were something solid.
No 2x4's just great big ((((((((((((((((((Carol)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Do you need to chat?
“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”
This message has been edited by CatTind on Mar 31, 2008 11:10 PM
Thank you so much for your responses. I feel pathetic. I mean really. We have been separated for 5 months as of today and I still miss him! I still want him sexually, although we have have not had sexual relations in about 4 months. SOmetimes I am confused....what am I doing....what am I not doing! Ya know? We have always had great sexual chemistry and as I have admitted that was part of why I stayed with him. I dont even want someone else! Am I hopeless? What the hell is wrong with me. I have been in IC for almost 2 years and I still want someone I know who is no good for me. WHY??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????? I feel like an idiot!!!!
Chris if you are still in chat...im there...yes I need to chat :o0
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
This message has been edited by SoCalGal on Mar 31, 2008 11:15 PM This message has been edited by SoCalGal on Mar 31, 2008 11:12 PM
Cal dear you are NOT an idiot!!!! You are human, sadly we all are. That usually means we want things we can't have and that are no good for us. That is just the way life is.
Ever heard of the bad boy syndrome. I have that problem. I can't find nice, calm, professional guys, I always seem to be attracted to the wild and crazy ones. I'm working on that and have been for a long time, but it is a work in progress.
The heart and mind are two seperate organs. It is okay to have a moment of weakness now and then.
Oh Cal, you are not an idiot nor are you pathetic. You have a long history and good chemistry with this man. Give yourself a break for this moment of weakness.
I think you are very much like me, you know that somewhere underneath the exterior is a good man that you have seen. You truly want to see a change in the current man to the one you used to know. It is hard to let go of that.
Yes, you have been in IC for 2 years, and you have come a long way. You are stronger now than ever before. You uphold your boundaries. This one incident isn't going to change that. Next time you see H make sure your boundaries are firmly in place.
You are strong Cal, you had a moment of weeakness, don't beat yourself up anymore.
Dear Cal,
Do not berate yourself. So,you kissed your husband of over 20 years and it felt good. Understandable - this man has been a central part of your life for a long time. But, you quickly realized that it was not good for you. Now, that's amazing.
You are making decisions on the basis of what is good for you and this is real progress. Loving someone may just not be enough when that relationship is toxic to your mental health - that is how I felt for years about my H. His issues and problems took over our lives and all the oxygen in the room. I loved him but couldn't breathe.
Today I don't want that kind of love anymore. I want love that reflects itself in behavior that is kind, good, loving. But, I do understand the loneliness, temptation and confusion you must be experiencing. It is so easy to second guess our decisions particularly when they are so significant.
Cal, change is slow and is sometimes it feels like watching your kids grow. You can't see the change in each day but suddenly you notice they have grown inches and become young adults. You are growing every day. Stand tall.
I have to echo what everyone else has already said. But I do have a 2x4 for ya. "STOP PUTTING YOURSELF DOWN! This is no reason to become down on yourself, and bolster up your insecurities. Look at how far you have come. Set backs happen. To EVERYONE! Their purpose is to help us see how far we have come and to show us we have the abilty to make it.
Thank you everyone. I know Im being hard on myself...but I feel I have to be or I am going to lose it. One look in those eyes...I saw MY H, the man I love...not my WH, and who he'd become. And for that moment I wanted him...all of him. For the last 4 weeks since d-day 3...I have felt very little for him until that moment! Then it was like "wow". I guess that's love, right? But loving this man has done nothing but hurt me. And I know love is not enough...I have said that many, many times myself. If it were, I wouldnt be here on this board right now. How I wish i could just stop loving him...things would be so much simpler and I could just move on with my life and put all this crap behind me. How I wish the past were the past already....I know, time is the answer but it seems to be standing still for me these days. I feel trapped.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
I have written about this before. It is very embarrasing. But for your sake I'll talk about it again
Way back when, days before d day... my H came home late at night claiming to have worked late.
I KNEW where he had been. There was NO doubt.
So.. I had sex with him.
I was disgusted with myself, actually nauseous. I was humiliated and well there are no words to describe my feeling of myself.
However, it was I who initiated it the minute he came to bed. There was some SICK thought in my head about his being MY husband. I was crying as I did things to him... but yet had to.. ( he did not know I was crying) I was so disgusted with myself it is painful just rememebering my feelings. BUT I HAD TO HAVE sex with him that night... and the next. The following night he took a shower before going to bed, which made me even sicker..
So dear Cal I write to you to say once more I sooo understand your feelings.
You are silly dear friend for beating yourself up.
I remember clearly thinking God, why do I love this man? Why would I WANT to have sex with such a disgusting person who just slept with someone else.. and I do mean JUST...
I tortured myself for a long time over this one.
Now, I understand as I read your words. Cause you love him. No other reason is needed.
He may be wrong for you but that doesn't stop you from loving the man you gave your heart to. He is the man you WANT to spend the rest of your life with. His behavior NOW is what is screwing up your marraige. It is not your fault. It is so hard to stop loving someone you planned on spending forever with...
Now... for the practical part..
I am so glad you kissed him and allowed him to share your family night. Let him FEEL what he is missing. Let him know your heart is breaking. The choice is NOT yours to end the marraige. Your choice is to be a family. BUT there are conditions to that and it is HIS choice to be a man, a husband a father or not... the choice is his not yours.
You have simply stated that you want a faithful loving husband and a role model for your children.. it is his choice to be all that ANY decent woman wants or not...
You are as always a loving woman with a beautiful heart. Now stop feeling bad, and see who you really are a woman in love. We all hold you close in heart and think the world of you.
and if this caused you confusion, don't let him make this a habit.
It seems from here that he has tried several different angles to manipulate you. It seems he's come at you from all these different attempts "I'll we warm, I'll be distant, I'll make her mad, I'll do the puppy-dog eyes, I'll be determined, I'll seem confused, I'll give her nice gifts, I'll give her nothing, I'll talk to our friends..."
He's trying every possible inroad to get your attention and it all seems to be having the impact, either intentional or not, of keeping you off balance.
While I'm not particularly good at this technique myself, I've heard others say that imagery and playing out a scene of how you want it to play out before you find yourself in a particular situation is good and helps them attain their desirable outcome instead of reacting to someone's manipulation.
Maybe I'm way out on a limb, but I do think it's possible to have a plan to choose your reactions instead of reacting - which seems to be causing you quite a bit of pain.
Thank you El and Dee for your kind words. I appreciate them so much
And Susan...you may just be right! Maybe it is his attempt at manipulation yet again. He is very good at it. He even told me he still loves me, lol. So this is love to him...it's all just a game? Im thinking it's still him "waiting this out" and cake-eating. But for me it was all very emotional....and proof of why I need to stay away from him.
Had WH just kept his word about the drugs...we wouldnt be here. That's all I keep thinking. Why couldnt he just keep his word? I have asked my IC that and he re-explains addiction to me...has drilled it into my head. But like everything else, unless it has happened to you it is pretty hard to understand the pull addiction has on a person. As long as WH uses he is not capable of getting it and he is not capable of keeping his word. When/if he hits rock bottom he will seek recovery. IC tells me WH must suffer the consequences of his actions, and that may include losing everything, before WH can hit rock bottom. I know he is right, yet I get drawn back into it because I love this man. For me, I must give up on the marriage comepletely and let him go. Otherwise I keep him from hitting that bottom he so needs to hit. But if I allow him to fall...I must also fall. AND THAT'S PRETTY Friggin' SCARY!
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Addiction sucks. Its hard enough making sense of choices that a WS makes/made without factoring addiction into the equation. I struggle so much with wanting to understand what WH did in the midst of his addiction, but "understanding" an addict means accepting that the substance has taken over and is ruling the WS. The choices they are making/have made aren't the same free will choices that people without addiction make. And there are times it seems so much like a cop-out excuse to say "it was the addiction". But there is some validity in there.
The IC is right; its going to take him hitting rock bottom for Mr. Cal to actually appear and make a decision. Until then, he's too possessed by the drug to see anything clearly other than protecting the ability to get the drug.
But, Cal, you said: "But if I allow him to fall...I must also fall." I'm not sure that's true. It feels that way when we're so connected with the addict we love. But if you are able to keep up those great boundaries you've set and stay strong to Cal, you don't have to fall with him. You can be there if he's able to rise back up to you. Way easier said than done, but I believe you have that strength of self to stand firm, with love for you...and love for him if and when he finds the cachongas to really break free of the addiction. You don't have to free fall with him, girl. Hugs. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
This was it, this was the real test and you passed it with flying colors. You went back to that soft warm comfortable place of old, felt it 100%. And BAM! here you are reminescing and loving those days AND you are proceeding with your separation successfully. Congratulations! Welcome to your life! You Rock!
Hope...you made me laugh...thank you! I think you ROCK too
BlueIris...what I mean by I have to fall too...it's that co-dependent thing. If he falls, I fall. I know you know what Im talking about. It's giving up on MY hopes, dreams, and expectations that I had that go along with letting go of my WH and the marriage. Us codependents think, everything would great and I wouldnt have to give up on my hopes and dreams if he'd just change! Realistically, I know he will not change (he has no desire to) and I know he will continue to hurt me. What choice do have except to let him go? Sure, there will be new dreams...but it is so hard to let go of the old ones cause this is not what I wanted. I wanted my WH...I wanted my marriage...I wanted my family...that is the fanstasy....the dream. Real life sucks right about now, lol, but I have to face it.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
