It seems when I started taking care of me and really worked on who I wanted to become and what I want out of this life things turned around. Without any pushing it to happen. I am becoming a stronger woman everyday and I see what an effect this has on my family. I have started back up with my crafts and painting after many months of the projects just waiting to be done. It feels good! I use to associate so many things with the affair that I quit doing them. I put my frogs away because the other woman had given my husband one (without knowing I collected them) but now I see my frogs as I once did. They make me happy when I look at them. I have taken back part of me that was missing for so long.
My husband and I are doing great. I will admit that we have had some bad days in between the good ones. But, and this is huge, we have learned how to handle them. There is communication more now than there ever has been. We have learned when to stop, back away for a few minutes, cool off and then come back and really talk about things. It is so much better this way. There for awhile things were getting pretty nasty.
I've let myself love him again. Some may say it is really too soon but I am in love with him. And I'm not going to punish myself any longer by holding back because of something stupid he did. I think I feel this way because he is doing everything he possibly can right now. He is a great husband. I was going to say the one that use to be here, but that isn't true. He isn't the same person. We have changed a great deal. The nice thing about this is it's not me who nagged him to change. He has done it himself. He told me what he wanted to do and who he wanted to be and he is really working on it. I see it more everyday. The kids notice too. He is there for each one of us. I notice that he has more respect for his family and for himself for that matter.
I feel we have come a long way. I think when I let go of the expectations and the fantasy of what I thought life should have been, that is when we really started to heal. It really does feel like the affair happened a very long time ago.
On the trust issue....I always wanted and thought I needed to trust him totally. I thought I needed that to move on. Once I realized that I won't ever trust him 100% again, I don't dwell on it. And I feel like not trusting 100% is a good thing. It will always keep me on my toes. It won't let us take things for granted. His affair will always be in our past. I figure if we both learned something from it then somehow it was meant to be. I am a strong believer that all things happen for a reason. Be it good or bad. I am now trying to take the positive side to it all.
My H and I are in pretty much the same spot you are in except that I can't seem to let go of my anger and it is starting to affect other areas of my life. But we are also doing a lot better and are communicating much better and that is such a good place to be after the horrible places we have been in the last 16 months. I am glad to hear that you are doing well I hope you continue on a long happy road to marital bliss.
Sorry its taken me awhile to respond. I don't come around all that often anymore.
Healing-My d-day was July 28, 2005. It's funny how that date will not disappear no matter how much I try to make it. So it makes it 2 1/2 years. It seems like forever ago now. We will be married 21 years on May 2. It's coming up real soon and I can't wait to celebrate with him. I have loved this man since I was 15. We grew up together-knew each others families and had the same friends. I believe we were/are meant to be together. Alot of people don't celebrate their anniversaries anymore after an affair and say the reason is that their spouse broke their vows. But in those vows it always states for better or worse. This is the worst it can get-I would think anyway. I also have a remoresful spouse who is doing everything he can to "fix" things. I know he loves me and always has. I choose to love him and to work this out with him. I wear my wedding band with pride and love again. At one point I didn't. I see it now as a symbol of the hard work and love that we have shown each other to make this work. I am so proud of us for working/and still work
on this marriage and new relationship we have. It is better than before.
Like I said before, when I let go of the fantasy that I thought life should have been and started living in the "real" world things just got better. Instead of thinking and worrying that I would never forget about it and accepted that it would always be with us to some extent, I began to relax a bit. I took a very hard road to get where I am today. where we are today. A road that no one else could understand but I am glad I did because I don't have anything to wonder about anymore. all my questions have been answered. Sometimes the longer the road, the better the end will be.
The main thing is that it takes "two" fully present adults to make a marriage work no matter what! No matter how hard I tried to do it alone...nothing ever got better. It seems the BS has to do a lot of letting go... letting go of who you thought your WS was...seeing who they are now...and if they are willing to do the hard work. The same for the marriage itself...letting go of the old marriage, and basically starting over...rebuilding from the ground up. The basics are there, love, and commitment, and the WS certainly has to earn back the trust, brick, by painful brick. Slowly before ya know it, better days will prevail over the bad ones...and perhaps you now have a better foundation. If you end end going it alone, and the marriage ends, there is still a lot of healing to do. It takes time...lots, and lots of time.
That's my opinion anyway. I am very happy for those whose marriages do end up making it...I know mine isnt one of them, and it wasnt from a lack of love or from lack trying on my part. Love and being in-love is not enough...I wish it were, oh how I wish it were.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
This message has been edited by SoCalGal on Apr 8, 2008 10:45 AM
I have been reading your posts and I am so sorry that things have turned out like they have. I know how hard you have worked and how much you tried. It does take both people to make it work.
You are a strong, a very strong woman. It takes a lot of courage and strength to face everything you have and to some out stronger in the end is a bonus. And that is what you have done. I have watched you grow over these past few years. It is amazing and I often think about you. I think about how strong you are and it gives me the strength to make it through some days.
I wish the best for you. I know you will make it. Stronger and better.
Thanks for answering my questions Laura...
It is really nice to know that as a BS it was possible for to realize that you can move on & things can be good again.
It gives somebody like me hope....
I am trying...My H said he didn't want to celebrate any more anniversaries either.
Last years was #20 & it hurt not to celebrate a milestone year..... we shall see what happens this year... I agree it is the "for better or worse" "in good times & in bad".....
Thanks for sharing...
Healing
