Well, dear HH friends, I find myself here again. I got the shock of my life today. Today Ohio's OW called me. I couldn't have been more surprised than if you were to have told me that I won the lottery. She calls and asks, "Is this DH?". I said, "Yes". She asks, "Is this DH that was once married to Ohio?". I said, "Yes". She says, "This is OW". I was floored. We ended up talking for two hours but she apologized to me for not believing me. I told her that she and I had never spoken. She told me that Ohio had been lurking here on HH and reading everything I wrote about him and her and printing it out. She would see what I wrote and then confront him, only for him to lie to her. So, she apologized for her disbelief in me. ***SIDE NOTE***Ohio, if you're still reading and lurking, you've been made. OW called and I have given her some important info that she can use against you, so if I were you, I'd contact her, get the situation straightened out, so you and fiancee can move on with your lives***
The conversation was interesting to say the least. Ohio made me look like I was a stupid, ignorant, housewife who had no ambition, goals or desire to learn or do anything but be a homemaker. Well, if anyone (and I have some close friends here) knows me very well, they know that I'm none of the above. I'm more intelligent than Ohio; I have more ambition and desire as well as the capability to learn than Ohio; and I'm very well-educated. OW found that out through our conversation and she realized that I was a strong woman. She said that she had asked him to meet me but he kept telling her that I didn't want to meet her. Bull****!!!!! I told him that I wanted to meet her because she was around my children. He told me that she stayed in the room whenever the kids were around. She told me that she was the entertainment for the kids because HE refused to take care of them, or do anything with them. She apologized for coming to Ohio and living here because in California, the divorce law there states that when someone files for divorce, in the eyes of the court, it is considered done. I told her that in Ohio, if someone is still LEGALLY married, it's considered adultery. So, I explained why my oldest son hated his father and her. She didn't realize that and stated that having lived in California all her life, she wasn't accustomed to what other states' laws were.
She said that everything was good between them, that she had apprehension about moving across country but he swore to her that they would be together forever and that he wouldn't even discuss the possibility of them not being together. So, she reluctantly moved out. Well, when her father died, she and her daughter went back home for his funeral. Ohio didn't call her for days. And then when he did, he told her to not come back to Ohio. She asked him to send her stuff to her and he has refused. He has refused to answer her messages, etc. She is disabled and he has her wheelchairs here. I told her that I could frankly give a damn if they were together, all I wanted was to meet her. I said that despite what has happened between the two of them, his behavior of refusing to return her stuff (and she is unable to pay to have it come back) was very reprehensible.
I don't know what to believe, HH friends. I know that some of what she is saying is true, as I know in my heart that Ohio is that selfish and a bastard. However, I don't know quite yet to make of the other stuff. Anyway, I'm sure this won't be the last time I hear from her. I gave her some information to help her pursue a case against him. Unfortunately, she hasn't had any success taking him to court because of being interstate, she has to go to the courts like Judge Judy. Ohio has been refusing to return the TV program's producers. He must agree to appear on TV before OW can pursue her case. So, I gave her some info about the law enforcement here and maybe through them, she can get her belongings back.
Comments are always appreciated and I'm sure that there will be many.
Goodness! I'm sure you were quite surprised, but I am also sure that nothing OW told you was a surprise at all based on what you have told us about Ohio.
I guess he is living up to the old adage, "If he'll do it with you, he'll do it TO you."
I hope OW gets her belongings back. I'm guessing she has learned a HUGE lesson.
You sound very strong. Good! Ohio sounds like he is still completely fog-bound and irresponsible. His fiancee is in for a huge fall,I'll bet.
This line stuck out: Unfortunately, she hasn't had any success taking him to court because of being interstate, she has to go to the courts like Judge Judy. Ohio has been refusing to return the TV program's producers. He must agree to appear on TV before OW can pursue her case.
I'm having a hard time with this one - a REALLY hard time believing that.
Sounds like you have a drama queen. While acknowledging that nothing makes friends like a common enemy, be careful with this one.
Maybe the laws in CA are different, but there's right and there's wrong. There's truth and there's stretching the truth and then there are people just out to get what they want using any means - and you might be a means. Something doesn't sound right here. Please be careful.
-Susan
This message has been edited by stillkickin on Apr 7, 2008 10:21 AM
When I got divorced in California 4 years ago, cheating was considered adultery even through the 6 month separation period. I don't think that has changed. She's full of it or ignorant.
I'm a bit confused by what she's telling you regarding the court system. To sue someone who lives in another state, you don't have to go through television courts. There certainly would have been a process in place to sue an out-of-state party prior to television being invented, I would guess! There probably is some expense to it, but if she's short on funds, I would imagine there is some legal aid information site that could at least spell out (a) how she would need to file and (b) where she would need to file. With just the little bit I've seen on-line, she'd probably have to file a claim against him within his state of residence and, if he fought her on it, she'd later probably have to travel there to pursue the case. But the filing alone may get him to give her the wheelchairs and other stuff back.
But I agree with Susan/Stillkickin'; the situation sounds a bit hinky. Don't get dragged into something you don't need to be dragged into. I think there'd be a temptation to stay involved, hoping to see XH suffer, but I'd keep my nose all the way out of it and let the chips fall where they will. Considering everything they both did, maybe this is just karma doin' its little dance. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
My quick opinion...I wouldn't believe even 25% of what she says.
What was her reasoning in calling you? Their affair is over, what is she gaining? What does she want from you? What is her motivation?
I am suspicious of her calling even when it's been over for a while....just my 2 cents sweetie.
((((((((((((DH))))))))))))))))))
Denise
"Our lives begin to end when we become silent about things"
I am with the others who say let the OW be..please keep her out of your life..as much as you may feel sorry for her..she made the decision to have the A and live with your XH..that was her choice..she left...again her choice..please please don't be drawn into her web.. she may be real and totally honest BUT...there is a big BUT..
You can suggest if she calls again, is that she can file in Ohio..it can be done long distance as long as the lawyer is paid.. they can process a complaint or file a suit...
(((hugs)))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
As always, the HH input is appreciated. Everyone made very valid points, I don't need the drama in my life. OW made her bed, she has to sleep with the fleas, as well as Ohio and his fiancee. I think that Ohio has been lying to his fiancee as well and this will be interesting how this all plays out. I do have a vested interest in my ex's life, as it will affect my children in a negative way if things don't work out between him and his fiancee. Also, she has a son, who doesn't deserve this crap either. I am reserving judgement on what she has told me. I know that she is capable of lying, however, how much is truth and how much is fiction, that I don't know. I can't think of why she would lie to me but I also tend to give people the benefit of the doubt, when I shouldn't. LOL
Thank you for all the support and responses. I know I can get my head on straight by the advice from people here.
Well, Ohio called me this morning asking me if OW had called me. I told him yes. He asked what we talked about. I told him this and that, not giving him specifics. He told me that she was crazy and not mentally stable. I said ok, and you want me to do what? He said that he wants me to ignore her calls and not talk with her anymore. I said that I didn't call her, she called me and that I don't have long-distance on my phone, so I wouldn't be making any calls to her. He told me that he is REQUESTING (like how he phrased that as he knows he can't control me anymore) that I not talk to her for the safety of the kids. I asked him what did he mean? She's not coming to Ohio from California to do anything to me or the kids, so what exactly could she do. He was like I don't know, she's just crazy, don't talk to her.
I told him that I was reserving judgement on what she told me and that I'm not so certain that HE told me the truth either. He didn't like it when I said that but I told him that I had to go to work and that the conversation was over and hung up.
Confusing dear HH friends. Whom to believe? I don't know OW and I know most would say don't believe her but I DO know Ohio and I can never trust him again. Quandry, quandry.
To paraphrase Shakespeare: perhaps the gentleman doth protest too much.
I can't help wondering what Ohio might be afraid OW would tell you.
As you say, you may not know how truthful OW is, but you DO know how much Ohio has lied to you and seems to have continued his pattern by lying to both OW and his fiancee.
Hmmm. Interesting. You sound strong. Bravo to you for the way you handled your interaction with Ohio.
We all know from their "life resume" that neither one is trustworthy. Does it really matter who is less trustworthy than the other? Though, again, I'm sure there is a measure of intrigue regarding what the entire truth is to this situation, the truly prudent and wise thing to do would be to keep as much distance as possible from both of them and the mess they made together (understanding he's still your kids' dad - but limit your contact with XH to kid matters).
In regard to the statement your XH made about the kids' safety - - I suppose she could be a psycho willing to do harm to Ohio's kids (all the more reason to not talk with her and get sucked into this), or perhaps if she has financial legal claim due to possible legal action she could pursue against Ohio, maybe his thought is, don't give OW info so I (Ohio) don't get sued or jailed which, in his mind, hurts the kids (whether it in fact does or not). I'd suggest pursuing the topic of kids' safety with Ohio merely as a mother to try to ascertain how your kids were/are in danger...but I don't know if that's worth the effort, since you can't trust what Ohio says.
Long story short: stay as far away from their manure pile(s) as possible. Seriously, DH, its cool and good that you're not contacting OW, but you shouldn't stay on the phone with her if she calls. It doesn't do anything good for you, your family or your healing. Don't get sucked into their vortex of crap. BlueIris
"We cannot wait for the storm to pass; we must learn to walk in the rain."
I did ask him this morning how she could harm the kids because she lives in California and has no way out here. She is on disability, so her funds are limited. He kept insisting that she was mentally unstable, even going so far as to say he has talked with her mother (who I've been told from his parents was a lunatic herself. Kinda like the pot calling the kettle black???). He just kept insisting that she was psycho and emotionally unstable and that he didn't want me to have anything to do with her (ok, sorry dude, you left me and the kids, I'm not your wife anymore, I don't have to do what you say, though I'm obviously not going to endanger my children either). Frankly, I would prefer that they take their drama elsewhere and duke it out without involving me.
FF,
Ohio can't tell the truth to save his life. I sure as h### don't believe a word he says. He will make excuses (that old transference/deflective behavior we all know and hate) and shift the blame to her. I know, there are three stories: hers, his and the truth. Not that I give a rat's a$$ about her or him anymore, or frankly the truth for that matter, I personally think he should just suck up his pride, shell out the money to ship her stuff to her and then she will be out of his life. She told me that she didn't want him back, just an explanation and her stuff. I would think giving her stuff back, rather than ignoring her would be less costly than to continue this strife. BUT, Ohio has never been one for sane, rational thinking, so he will probably choose the strife. Oh well, just leave me alone.
I only talk to him when it concerns children matters. I frankly can't stand to talk or see him anymore than I have to. LOL if that makes sense to anyone.
In answer to your question, I wanted to know her version of the story. I wanted to know if she would back him up or if it would be a totally different story. There were questions that I had that I didn't feel that Ohio was honest with me and so it was my chance to ask her. I know it isn't advocated here but I never expected her to call me, especially since they were no longer together. However, I have no intention of calling her. I have nothing to say to her or ask her. My questions were all answered.
Your reasons for talking to OW are pretty much the same reasons I decided to meet with our OW. (Although honestly, how you spent two hours is BEYOND me I wanted to get my questions answered and get out.)
I did hear her version of the story and I don't know how much to believe. She did give me better dates for when it started than H ever did (much earlier) I know much of what she told me were lies - and yet it was very empowering to meet her and realize she was working from a position of weakness so weak that she still felt she needed to lie.
I never want to see her again or hear her again... but that one conversation helped me to get over this fear that I was up against the unbeatable - some super, fantastic, smart, witty, sexy, beautiful, wonderful babe (trust me, none of the above!) so it was empowering to find out she was actually afraid of me.
You asked a good question about how I managed to talk for two hours with OW. I knew I would never have to face her in person, talk to her if I didn't wish, or run into her at the store and have the whole town whispering about my ex's affair (hence the reason why he chose to move 1.5 hours away, so he wouldn't run into me with her or into anyone he knew). So, I felt I could "hear" her out. If at any time I would have felt that she was nuts, I would have ended the call.
As for getting sucked into their vortex of crap....I want to stay clear of them and their problems. They have to resolve them on their own, I'm not going to intervene and I told OW that. I didn't mind giving her some resources to help her, as he still has her computer, but I'm not going to be referee or counselor/mediator between them. I have enough crap to deal with than to be loaded with someone else's burden.
Thanks for all the comments. It's nice to know that I'm sane and they're not. LOL LOL
I wanted to get my questions answered and get out.)