My DD has told me that her and her father have NO relationshipo and she is uncomfortable spending time with WH without me...so I ended up going to his mom's today with him, in my car, all of us, as a family. I regret it! It has sent me into a spin! But DD will not go if I do not. I dont know what to do! I do not want to go with WH, yet I want him and DD to spend time together. I feel railroaded. Stuck! Dont know what to do. HELP! Thoughts...suggestions?
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
I'm sorry you and your DD find yourselves in this ugly predicament. My suggestion is that you talk with your IC and (when you find one you are comfortable with) your attorney about this situation. You should NOT have to play referee, but nor should your DD be put into a position of extreme discomfort.
I'm so sorry you are both hurting so much, but be proud of how you are supporting your DD.
Ami & chris...thanks for the chat and the pep talk! Lord knows I needed it. I just cant believe that I find myself in this situation and my DD as well. This is not the way it was supposed to be
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
I'm sorry that your ex has put you into this predicament. HOWEVER, this is HIS problem, not yours. You have enough on your plate to deal with and not having to deal with his relationship that he screwed up with DD. She is justifiably right in her anger towards him and her discomfort spending time with her father. HOWEVER, HE made his bed, he needs to sleep with the fleas, no matter how distasteful. He is going to need to earn that trust back, if it can be gained. I know my oldest son doesn't want to spend any time with his dad because of ex's lack of relationship with him. I realize that our situations are a little different as your ex has continued his affair-like behavior but the principle is the same---both children dislike their fathers for their actions. You can't force DD to have a relationship, no matter how you would like her to. I would suggest just letting it rest for a while and letting her sort out her feelings. IF she decides to one day have a relationship, then ex will have to step up to the plate and be a man and earn her trust back. IF she decides not to, then this is a casualty of his affair actions.
I couldn't find the words, and not having kids, didn't feel I was the appropriate advisor. But, I agree with DH. And, I'd say it this way. This isn't your battle to fight. It belongs to him and your daughter. She shouldn't have to fight it, but it will be a learning lesson for her. She'll learn that parents are people not Gods, they make mistakes, and you can still love them even though they make mistakes. She will probably model your behavior. So the best way you can support her is to listen, hold her hand, answer her questions, give her guidance and hugs, and be your true self - the strong, confident, independent, leader self. The proud self that you are.
If you try to protect her then she will grow up thinking she needs a protector and can't take care of herself.
If you set up meetings when she's not ready to meet, she may grow to resent you for not letting her express her anger and feelings by trying to be absent from his life.
Children are very smart and aware of nuances. They have much more time to observe and listen and they are in a high state of learning so every bit of their being is focused on the smallest details.
Apply the lessons you have learned by feeling betrayed. Let her know that its not so great right now, but things will work out over time. Let her know her feelings are valid and that its ok to feel them, that eventually she will sort things out and everything will be ok. There are so many lessons you can share with her.
True...this is HIS problem and just one of the many consequences of his actions. Unfortunately it is also hurting my daughter. That is what really gets to me...HIS selfishness in all of this crap.
Thanks everyone.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
