I just wanted you to know that what you wrote to Susan helped me to understand where I am at. Not about the anger but about letting go of the dream that I loved so much. Somedays I still miss that dream...I am finding it is so much harder living in the "real" world-the emotions are so real and raw because we are speaking to each other and listening. I am also finding that it is a different emotion-I am finding peace again. Something that I never thought I would find. And to tell you the truth, I don't know if I have ever felt it before.
When you said things about protecting yourself, I can see myself doing that also. I didn't see it before as protecting and making a safe place for me. I use to think it was up to my husband to make me happy. Was I way off! I have so much more respect for myself than I ever have had and it makes me feel wonderful. I wake up every morning and know that it is my choice to be happy or sad. I am doing things by myself now. At first I was so afraid to go anywhere. I was afraid that he would find someone else. I always wanted to do things but I put myself in a comfort zone. Now I go out. I do things. I make my own decisions. That is the greatest thing to come out of all of this. I take care of myself. And I know it is a good thing. I am happy with who I am now.
I just wanted you to know that you made me think and to understand somethings. I wanted to say thank you.
I too am letting go of my dream....my dream of keeping my family intact...of my marriage and how my life should have been. It is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in all of this mess.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
I am glad I made you think and understand some things too. That is why I am here. I don't want all this pain and years of learning to go for nothing. I have learned a lot from my friends here and passing it on means a lot to me.
I hope you are reading all the healing books and considering therapy. That makes a huge difference.
