Well, we are now past the 1 year mark of D-day.
What the heck was I thinking when I thought getting past the 1st year mark would mean things were getting slowly better???
They have been awful.
I didn't think the reminder of D-day & the first few weeks after H found out would be so horrible.
I knew it wouldn't be easy, but never expected it to be this bad.
The name calling, the constant reminders, the harping...it's all back ten fold.
While I realize it is all about him & I do feel awful for what I have put him through, I just don't know how much more I can take.
I do everything I can for him, re-assure him I do love him, I am sorry etc. Nothing makes it any better.
<sigh>
Healing

This seems to be pretty common - not good, but common.

A year seems like such a long time and to see so little progress is painful. At our one year point, there was so little progress that he was still calling and sending flowers to OW. This happens.

But an old saying here is "The first year is just about survival" and that rings true in quite a few situations.

A lifetime of dreams/feelings of security/self esteem have been destroyed and a year really is not that long to try to assemble all the missing pieces.

Patience, understanding and a desire to work TOGETHER for the LONG run are needed and sometimes it takes quite a while for all those to kick in for both partners.

Hang in there.

-Susan

I am sorry both of you are hurting. His reaction (being upset) is not that unusual.

I am concerned by "The name calling, the constant reminders, the harping." The name calling serves no useful purpose. You are hurt by it, your marriage is hurt by it, and he is hurt by it. My therapist would tell him to stop because it is not productive. If "the harping" means nagging and picking at you, then I ask is he asking questions, or is he making cruel comments?

Why is he making constant reminders and harping? Is he still seeking answers that you haven't given him, or is he suffering from PTSD and having a difficult time absorbing the answers? For the entire first year after my Dday #2 my H lied to me about his contact with OW. I kept asking and asking because my gut told me there was more he wasn't telling me. My gut was right. However, even knowing the rest of the story didn't stop my going over and over the questions and answers because I was suffering from PTSD.

Only you know if you have given him all the answers.

Once he has the answers, it is up to him to decide if he wants the marriage or not. If he does, he needs to act like he does, which doesn't mean he can't discuss the A with you. What it means is that he needs to treat you lovingly, just as you need to treat him. You can expect him to get angry, but name calling is not acceptable, nor will it change the past.

Further, I strongly recommend that you both seek IC and later MC if you want the marriage to survive.

Just because you had an A and he didn't does not mean that he is exempt from working on himself, too. IC has done wonders for both my H and me. MC has helped our marriage tremendously.

Please understand that the average marriage and BS damaged by an A do NOT heal in less than two years. I can imagine from the perspective of a WS one year is a long time, but from the perspective of a BS, I can assure you that one year is nothing.

IC will help you both to understand why you had the A, what changes each of you can make to be happier, better adjusted people, and what goals you each want to achieve in life. MC can help you understand your marriage, your marital expectations, your communication problems, and can help you improve your marriage.

What do YOU want from your marriage?

Encouraging fairy hugs,

fairyfriend

Edited to add: You wrote "I realize it is all about him." I disagree. The A was all about YOU, but healing is all about BOTH of you. At one level, neither of you should take personally what the other one says or does because no one can control another person, and much of what we think or do is ego-centric. But while you can not control HIS behavior, what you can control is YOUR response. You can choose not to take on his hot potato, not to react in anger or disgust or hurt, but understand and accept his pain.

Just more of my fairy cents' worth . . .

"I just don't know how much more I can take. I do everything I can for him, re-assure him I do love him, I am sorry etc. Nothing makes it any better."

I'm not sure exactly what he's doing that you have to take. If it's sharing his hurt and pain, then it's a fairly reasonable thing to ask that you take it. On the other hand, if he's getting violent with you, letting himself express his anger in such a destructive and harmful way, then you shouldn't be expected to endure that. If it's somewhere in between, I think at a minimum that you discuss some boundaries or limits for what is fair to say and what is not fair.

However, all that said, I understand the intense anger that he must feel and overwhelming need to share that anger with you. Most people have never had experience sharing such intense anger without resorting to destruction to do it. I know that is something that took a while for me to learn in my time after D-day. As with all affair recovery, working together on things like this has a great benefit.

The time around the first year after D-day was probably the worst one for us. Going through each period of the year, this time knowing what was happening "a year ago at this time" was almost like reliving it. It was like watching a movie of my memories this time knowing what the "ending" would be. In each day seeing for the first time an offense that was committed, and feeling a new surge of anger. It was very difficult. The hope I can offer you is that it did get better. Later D-days 'anniversaries' still had some aspects of this first one, but less intense. Eventually they came to the point where they are more full of grief than anger.

An affair is something like an important death, and as such I doubt people ever get to a point where it can come and go without some rememberance of it. However, for many it does get to the point where it is not their focus when that time of year comes along.

TomJ

I agree with the responses of FF,and Tom..
Tom hit the nail on the head, when he said that the feelings of trauma and grief that follows the learning of a S's affair, with the lies involved, feels similar to getting the news of the death of a beloved immediate family member or best friend, and going thru the after shock, with numbness, denial, anger and grief feelings that go on long afterwards....If H is saying or doing abusive things to you, set up boundaries to put this behavior to a stop. Even if it means you need to physically leave( you don't deserve verbal abuse and violence, if that is happening)..If you are helping him to heal by being honest, transparent, not blameshifting, and he isn't verbally or physically abusive, then I would say hang in there...
In my situation,,my H provides a good example on how not to behave, ..... it has been a year and a half since D-day, my H will be OK to get along with on the surface, but still behaves like a WS who doesn't want to do anything really difficult or selfless to show me remorse.. I still catch my WH in lies, he blames me for his affair by saying I don't meet his needs to his satisfaction, continues to be defensive of his behavior, isn't too open minded to suggestions for change that I make to him. He usually responds to suggestions, by saying " I've been doing that already, you just dont see it" H rationalizes this last lie I caught him in( one month ago), by saying our marriage is not the way he wants it to be, that we live more like roomates, so why should he bother to refrain from meeting or e-mailing other women, visiting online pornsites, etc...
I hope everything works out well for both of you

Thanks for the response. I appreciate the input.
Life just sucks right now.
I feel like we have made ZERO progress...feel like we are exactly at the same point we were at when H made d-day last year.
Things are exactly how they were then.
The name calling, the yelling, the fighting, my daughter in tears because of what she hears her father saying....I am just so done with it.

I am sorry for what I did.
I am sorry I screwed up my home, family & marriage.
I AM FREAKING SORRY....I try..I try daily to make it up to him. Try to prove I am sorry, prove I am worthy of working to regain trust, try to do every little thing I can to make him happy...
I am only a human being (although H doesn't think I am even worthy of calling myself that)
I can only try so much....and when you feel like everything you are trying & doing gets you NOWHERE...WHY do you want to even try????

I think I am packing it in......throwing away 20+ years of my life...and saying screw it all.
I will do what I need to do for my kids.
My life will suck. My kids who are at MAJOR points in their educational lives will now have to be uprooted and totally disrupted and will probably hate me forever, but their father hates me, can't trust me & no longer feels we are worth ANY of his effort. He doesn't care about what is in his kids best interest...he only knows "he" can't do this anymore.

Healing,

I remember your writing a year ago. From your last post, it doesn't sound like your H has made ANY progress. I am sorry for that for all of you.

IMO, here is the bottom line. Your H doesn't have to forgive you today or any day, but--and this is a HUGE but--if he wants to stay married to you, he needs to act like he does. He can not expect you to stay if he continues to punish you, berate you, accuse you, HURT you. He can say he wants the marriage all he wants, but from what you write, his behavior says otherwise.

On top of the hurt done to you, what kind of example is he setting for your children? What kind of hurt is he inflicting on them?

If you have not set any boundaries, then I believe it is time you do so for your sake and your children's sake. He can not continue to abuse you. He has done so for the past year, and look where you, he, and your family are at.

If he REALLY wants to stay married to you, he needs to work on himself and his attitude. It's ok for him to be hurt and angry, but it is NOT ok for him to abuse you.

I am sorry for your pain.

Comforting fairy hugs,

ff

No matter how angry he is, and he sounds very angry, he has a responsibility as a father to reign that in when he is with his children. While they might know about the stuggles in the marriage and the cause of them, they should not have to witness it first hand, regardless of their age.

I strongly suggest that your husband seek some kind of counseling to learn to deal with his rage. The cycle of rage has a tendancy to get out of control if a person doesn't deal with it. When a man's wife has an affair, his anger can be overwhelming. Women often have similar boughts of anger and it may be different for different men, but the between who men "are", their ego, and the general disrespect that an affair represents, men seem to have a unique struggle with anger and rage related to infidelity.

I think you need to share your feelings, possibly without threatening divorce but focusing on the feelings related to his anger, the discouragement and hopelessness that you feel. If you have such a talk, make sure that you also make clear your desires for reconcilation if it is possible.

TomJ

Thanks for the replies...

I agree with Fairy he has a right to be sad, hurt, angry, etc...but does not have a right to be verbally abusive....there is a difference.

He is very hurt & still doesn't trust (obviously)
but it is so hard for me because in my heart I know I am not doing anything. I barely leave the house ever without somebody with me & I have work pay deposits to prove I am at work (paid hourly)

I wish I didn't cause this hurt but fact is I have & I am trying to make it up to him.
I send cards, buy desserts he likes, get him special beanie babies & T shirts.... snuggle with him watching TV, anythign I can do to make him feel loved & special & thought about....
but sometimes all that just isn't enough...
<sigh>
Healing