Absolutely! In fact, Open is THE place for WS to post. Please share your story when you feel ready.
I am sorry you have a reason to be here, but I am glad you found HH because this site is full of kind-hearted people, WS and BS alike, who want to help the hurting.
About 10 years ago, we adopted this dog. We got her from the shelter. I don't know how the dog got to the shelter but we figured that she probably was a run-away or she had been abandoned. Huskies are notorious runners and she was an adult Husky.
She was a beautiful, well-trained Husky that never barked or bit. When we were 'test-driving' shelter dogs, we picked this one because all of the other dogs, when we took them out on a leash, they just wanted to run and sniff, they wouldn't obey commands. They were 'high-spirited' but this dog would come and sit by me. She just wanted to be petted and comforted. She didn't jump all over or tug on the leash . She was very happy just to sit. She liked to sit next to me. She just wanted to be petted.
Apparently, shelter dogs have issues which may include biting, digging, incessant barking, fleas, etc. which is why they may end up in a shelter. Apparently this dog had also been abandoned by its 'parents' but we couldn't figure out why. She was so calm and smart and serene.
When we took the dog home, after a short adjustment period, we came to really love this dog. A perfect complement to us. Smart, good-looking, friendly, sweet. The dog made us laugh, shared our love, became part of our family. Sure, the dog had it's idiosynchracies. I.e., the dog would run to the closet when there was an argument between the W and I; she would run away-literally bust through a door if we went out for too long; she used to go upstairs and stare out of the window from the bed in the guest-room; she had to sleep in the same room that we did. This dog hated to be alone.
I wondered about where the dog had come from but it was a dog. That is, she couldn't tell me about her past, her parents, her childhood, her family. Dogs aren't too good about telling you what they're thinking--why they do what they do; why they think that when you go away that maybe you won't ever come back. They get so, so sad. Also, if you don't feel like petting them at that very instant, they take it personally. Their feelings get hurt. When you scold them, they are so, so afraid. Or if you happen to trip over one of their old bones and stub your toe and shout, why they just get so miserable and anxious. Dogs don't talk. They act. They do.
As it turns out, as dogs get older, their childhood experiences become more pronounced. They get weirder. The things we thought were quirks become problems. Their insecurities, their baggage begins to control them. They start to 'act out'. The old dogs are controlled by their childhood dogs. As our dog got older, she became more neurotic but she couldn't help it. She couldn't control it. She couldn't say "When I was a pup, my parents abandoned me and I had to learn to act like I was tough and capable but it really hurt not to be told 'You're a wonderful dog'. 'We love You.' You can tell me now. You say 'I love you' but based on my past, I know that I'm not loveable. You will abandon me. When my parents argued, it was very scary. In fact, after the arguments started, it wasn't long before I found myself at the shelter. When I was a young dog, it was painful not to be held or not to be calmed when I was scared. Now, that I'm an old dog, those early memories are controlling my behavior. I am acting out because even though I'm an adult dog now, I'm also a young dog inside. I am afraid of being abandoned. I am sad that I didn't get the love and nurturing that I deserved as a pup. I loved my original family, I trusted them and look what happened. They deserted me. They hurt me. The pattern will repeat itself. I don't have the words to describe what I'm feeling. In fact, I don't really know what I'm feeling. I do know that it's scary. I feel like I'm alone. I'm anxious. I'm overwhelmed. I need help but I'm only a dog and I don't think I can be helped."
A year ago, that dog died. One night she was fine when she went to bed. Early the next morning, I literally heard her body and mind shut down as she lay on a blanket on the floor at the foot of our bed. She just couldn't take any more pain.
The doctors said it was cancer. She had tumors and tumors and more tumors. The Doctor said, "Dogs can't tell you when they're hurting like people can. Sometimes, when the pain gets to be too much, they just decide they can't go on. In your dog's case, it was just too much pain for her to go on. She had had it rough. You were good to her but we couldn't fix what was inside of her."
I feel bad that I didn't know about her pain. I wish she could have told me what was going on inside of her.
She was so much like me.
-hurtin pup
For one partner to self-forgive and the other to forgive the one who erred is as close to bliss as two partners together may ever find
I am a FWS, nearly 8 years past d day. This site has helped me a lot on my journey of healing so I hope it will help you.
Many of us WS,s have issues that stemmed from our childhood that need to be dealt with. You have taken a big step admitting those issues are causing you pain and contributed to you actions.
First let me say I am both a Husky lover and the proud parent of a 14 year old female, who BTW, is also a pound puppy. Dogs are wonderful creatures, are they not. I know our days with my much-loved Kia are number and try to appreciate her all the more.
I wondered as I read your post if you were talking about your faithful friend, or yourself. Your ending gave me the answer. Sometimes I think the life of a dog is much simpler, they don’t really hold onto memories in the same ways we humans do. Their desire is to please, and be a part of the pack. We are not so different, but much, much more complicated.
Old hurts haunt us all, and when trauma enters our lives, like that of infidelity, those old hurts resurface with a vengeance. We all understand. Please continue to share in what ever way you are most comfortable.
The dog story had me thinking about the IMAGO therapy. Where the therapists explians that we are drawn to our spouses in an effort to heal our childhood wounds. It seems to make a lot of sense. Here is a brief description:
"Developed by renowned therapist and bestselling author Harville Hendrix, PhD, Imago Therapy is a groundbreaking approach to working with couples. The "Imago" is the unconscious image we hold of our parents. According to Hendrix, people select their mates by seeking "Imago matches"—individuals who resemble their parents in salient ways. A couple's relationship dynamic is created and shaped as each partner interacts with his or her Imago match, revisiting unfinished or unresolved issues from childhood.
Imago Therapy helps people to understand the unconscious factors (the Imago) in their selection of each other. It reveals the emotional dynamics that are being replayed from childhood. And it teaches couples how to relate to each other, and themselves, in a more nurturing, loving way.
We are taught that when we fall in love, the feeling is supposed to last forever. We meet the person of our dreams and a magical transformation takes place within us. We feel alive, whole, connected to the world and the people in it. Then, before we know it, that magical feeling disappears. Disillusioned, our dreams shattered, we begin to feel angry and betrayed.
We try to coerce our partners into giving us what we need. We criticize, we withdraw, we shame, we intimidate, we cry. Or sometimes just the opposite. We enter into a dead zone, where it seems like there are no emotions at all.
We feel entitled to wait for our partner to come alive first. Some of us go on locked in this painful power struggle for years until we either break up or seek help, desperate to regain the magic we once had."
I agree that people are often a product of their experiences and their background, however I also believe that none of us has the right to use background as a 'reason' for how we treat others. While I feel certain ways in response to certain situations and those feelings are often related to past experiences, I am not controlled by those feelings so much that I am forced to act (or react) according to those feelings.
In fact, one would argue that while a dog or a child might be reasonable to claim those causes, the mature adult is asked to rise above such predispositions to act in a mature and civil manner. In addition, truth be told, dogs (and even cats!) CAN be conditioned to react differently. Given that, I'd expect nothing less from an adult.
I know that one of the problems my wife and I had in recovery was the tendency for her to defend herself with excuses and my tendency to excuse her based on those excuses. However, we found this to be a never ending process of cycling between finding the excuses and realizing that there really were no good excuses. In the end she had to take full responsibility and I had to offer full forgiveness. It wasn't easy, but that was much better than the perpetual circle we were running. One reason that this failed was that whenever she offered an excuse it was indirectly saying to me that she could not be trusted, and that she was not competent to be faithful to me in our marriage. Only by taking full responsibility and offering full forgiveness were we able to acknowledge that she was capable of being faithful, but had chosen not to do so, and only through forgiveness were we able to acknowledge that her offense could be "passed over" rather than justified.
I don't know if this can help you as you work through the infidelity, but I hope that it has some value to you. I'm glad to see that you are looking for answers and explanations. I think the consideration of your past is important and necessary. My wife and I went though that also, but in the end we found it to be only a part of the process and that it could not be completed without the extra work that I've mentioned.
I believe that it is imperative for a WS to discover why s/he could give him/herself permission to cheat. I believe doing so helps the WS have a clear understanding of self and situation. I know my H struggled mightily until he figured out the why because initially he could not understand how he could do what he did, especially when he saw the complete devastation that resulted from his choices.
Discovering the why is only one of many necessary steps to healing. Another important step is the WS' taking full responsibility for his/her decisions and not blaming the BS for the A (which, sadly, too many WS try to do). The BS is already cut to the core and blaming himself/herself for being a failure as a spouse, unloveable and undesireable, replaced on a whim. The BS does not need the added burden of the WS' blaming the A on the BS.
I agree with Tom that no one should use the past as an excuse for actions in the present. Rather, we need to understand the past, so that we can change the present.
Thank all of you for your very thoughtful remarks. I have been reading " Getting the Love You Want" by Hendrix and doing the exercises in that book, discussing these issues with my IC, my 'men's group', and my W. It's been pretty good.
If I have been misunderstood here on a couple of points, I hope to clarify them below:
I, in no way whatsoever, blame my W for my infidelitys. I wanted to try to figure out what it was about me that would cause me to cheat. I have just had this breakthrough, delving into what was for all of my 'thinking' life, a dark, mysterious past. I have come to the realization that as a child, I got short-shrifted on the love, adoration, attention that an infant/young boy needs. Therefore, the feeling of 'abandonment' is apparently part of my limbic system and is triggered by certain events. However, also as part of my structure, as a result of childhood experiences, I feel it is necessary to self-preserve because I don't trust others to comfort, or resolve the dark feelings associated with abandonment. My 3 yr old self thinks FOO can't be trusted, ergo, I must survive on my own, cope, be strong. To think of being unloved by one's mother and father is too, too painful, so it's better to just shut down that part, those feelings, move on, keep looking for the love I need and trust. It must be elsewhere. That is not said as an alibi or justification. It's just how my brain was working.
The key point is : That is how it WAS working. I have just begun to scratch the surface and identify how my infant/dog brain is sending me messages that the adult brain can and should interpret. It's enlightening, scary, and painful all at once.
"one of the problems my wife and I had in recovery was the tendency for her to defend herself with excuses and my tendency to excuse her based on those excuses"
My first reaction was, "What does THAT have to do with me?" Mine isn't an excuse. It's a fact. I did what I did. I now know a little bit about why I did it. Then, it came to me--TomJ, the excuse phase of R must have been very painful for you. You know that your W's A was about your W and not about you. Have you forgiven her? More importantly, has she forgiven herself?
--In the article "Forgiving Yourself and Others"_
BY ARLENE HARDER, MA, MFT she writes
"To forgive yourself does not mean that you should forget what you did or said that might have injured another or caused yourself distress. To forgive yourself doesn't mean you aren't responsible for what you did or said. *To forgive yourself simply means you realize that you might have done something differently if you had known how. Forgiving yourself means you recognize that you didn't know how to do something differently and realize you have learned by your mistake.* As someone once said, experience is what we get right after we need it. To forgive yourself means you are finally willing to accept yourself just as you were at the time you made the mistake you've been holding over your head."
Finally, "Old hurts haunt us all, and when trauma enters our lives . . . those old hurts resurface with a vengeance". Exactly!
Thank you for your kind, constructive, helpful words.
*For one partner to self-forgive and the other to forgive the one who erred is as close to bliss as two partners together may ever find*
Lots of wonderful word of encouragement here on healing hearts for you to read..as you read this thread you can see the willingness of the members to help you thru this time in your life.
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
Just wanted to respond on forgiveness. I was the betrayed spouse, and I have forgiven my husband. We are 6 years past our D-day, so much time has passed. I believed I finally began the process of fogiving at around the 2.5 year mark, although from day one it was what I desired very much. That forgiveness took me roughly another year to year and a half to be where I wished it to be. Forgiveness cannot come for the BS untill they accept. They cannot accept until they understand their pains and its origins buried deep in their history. Then they have to let go of their old beliefs and begin the process of living in the new reality.
For my husband... I think the path to self forgiveness is much more difficult. I think he has forgiven himself of much, but still struggles in other areas. He has accomplished so much, and I leave him to do this on his own, or share with me as he sees fit. I am so impressed with how far he has come and the courage it took to get there.
>If I have been misunderstood here on a couple of points, I hope to clarify them below:
Your post left most of us guessing at what you were saying, given that you were speaking through an allegory, so I'm not surprised that there was some misunderstanding. I'm glad you decided to clarify.
>"one of the problems my wife and I had in recovery was the tendency for her to defend herself with excuses and my tendency to excuse her based on those excuses"
>My first reaction was, "What does THAT have to do with me?" Mine isn't an excuse. It's a fact. I did what I did. I now know a little bit about why I did it. Then, it came to me--TomJ, the excuse phase of R must have been very painful for you. You know that your W's A was about your W and not about you. Have you forgiven her? More importantly, has she forgiven herself?
The reasoning behind those comments is that I believe there is a very thin line between the process of understanding how past experience has lead to certain tendencies in your personality, which is an important part of the self-discovery in the aftermath of infidelity, and using those tendencies to be the 'excuses' for the infidelity. In other words, suggesting that your infidelity was somehow unavoidable because of those tendencies is easy to slip into, but it should be avoided. I don't know of you have been doing that, but the allegory implied to me that this might be what has been going on.
In addition, I think most offended people tend to excuse their offenders rather than forgive them. It's a lot easier to find a good reason for the offense "she had an affair because the OM forced her" or "he had an affair because he got carried away..." rather than offer real forgiveness. In the case of infidelity, real forgiveness requires that you first understand that the person made a definitive choice to do the offending act, aware that it should not be done. If you're stuck looking for excuses, then you'll never get to forgiveness.
It's true that this issue was a struggle for my wife and I due to both of our contributions to extending the excuses phase. If you can avoid it or already have done so, then you'd probably be better off.
From what I've seen it's pretty standard fair for a wayward spouse, repentant or not, to work to keep the responsibility and blame away. It's done different ways, through avoidance, manipulation, blame shifting, offensiveness, defensiveness, and just about any other technique you can imagine. It seems much less common for the wayward to go straight from infidelity to taking full responsibility. It sounds like you've made it far enough down the path of reconciliation that this is not an issue for you.
