When I crawl into bed with my W at night, I feel that nothing can touch what a warm reception from her means to me. Somehow her touch makes the rest of the world go away—at least for awhile. I hope for that touch, I desire it, I need it. When denied that for the myriad of reasons, I am sad and lonely and lose hope.
In either case, something so basic, so fundamentally simple, cuts through all the underbrush of my life and touches something at the core of me.
I am less secure sexually than she is because my sexuality is dependent on action, and I can act sexually only through a precarious process difficult to control. For me the desire for sex is not simply a quest for pleasure. It is an indispensable test of love and worth and identity!
Every day as a man, I walk into a world that says, essentially, "Prove yourself. Prove that as a man, you have something worthwhile to offer.” Sex, then, is not the only route to affirmation—but it is surely the quickest and most direct one for me. It is a confirmation so deep that it is far more soul-ish than physical in nature. Sex means more to me because, indeed, I hear in it a message about myself.
The way this plays out in my marriage is that when I am rejected in my overture for sexual intimacy, it feels more personal than seems reasonable to either party. It feels like rejection. When it comes to matters sexual, I tend to lose my normal hold on objectivity. When denied a bid for sexual intimacy, it feels as though I, myself, my very person, is being rejected. And only after I work to get past that awful feeling do I stand a chance of hearing that my W actually does, in fact, have a lot on her mind or has an early day tomorrow, or is worried about finances, or is very tired, etc. This is, at least, the internal process that I go through.
I feel the same pain that she does does when she says that I don’t give her the things that make her feel loved and cared for. I feel them just as poignantly—only my sense of being overlooked, not wanted, not attended to is sexual.
I feel that Sexual activity among real couples is an important way to connect with one another. If there is a lack of sex in a relationship, problems occur. In some ways, we could just be room-mates or friends, or people in a mutual housing arrangement. I begin to feel unsatisfied, unfulfilled, unattractive, or unwanted. A combination of these feelings occurs. Jealousy may even arise. Not jealousy of other men but of the other ‘things’ that seem to take pre-eminence over me, be it bills, work, family, chores, sleep, etc. I feel resentment, hurt, sadness, loneliness. It is deep and painful.
Often my sexual frustration can result in depression and anger. I (rightly or wrongly) believe that sex equals intimacy Apparently, ‘intimacy’ is greatly misunderstood by many men, we think intimacy is being desired, which leads to sex. Men are more complex than one may think. Men love to be desired. Even if our mate cannot or does not want to have sex with us, we must be made to feel that we are desired. We must feel wanted and needed.
Sex is the private sharing of one another’s vulnerable tender care and connects more than bodies, but hearts and souls. The full manifestation of personhood is shared with one other. The marriage commitment (not the piece of paper) gives sex the real freedom and acceptance we all really want, to be naked and not ashamed.
If feeling the need/desire for sex, could my W get that off of my mind by cooking a favourite meal, or giving a nice back rub? I would enjoy those things, but it would not be what I really wanted and needed. When deep needs are not being met, anything else that is done is of little use. By the same token, I assume that it’s the Same thing for her--it's not how much I give her, it's giving her what she needs.
her willingness to be open and vulnerable, to get and give physical love makes me want to protect and care for her. I feel very protective, but also safe and secure, warm and loved, and together.
Without sex with her, I exist feeling that if she loved me more, she would be more sensitive to my needs.
I feel hurt and rejected and question my desirability, my attractiveness, my ‘lovability’, my worth.
*For one partner to self-forgive and the other to forgive the one who erred is as close to bliss as two partners together may ever find*
Your words and thoughts could have been writtin by my H a few years ago. His father was an emotionally rigid, harsh authoritarian who took every opportunity to criticize but never praised, much less hugged, kissed, or told his children that he loved them. His mother was a gentle soul who wouldn't stand up to her husband and, sadly, followed his lead in not praising, hugging, kissing or telling her children that she loved them. Throw into that mess my H's childhood discovery of his father's stash of hard-core porn, and you have a recipe for a messed-up man who has skewed views about sex, women, relationships, and himself.
My H mistook sex for intimacy. But after he had sex, he felt ashamed and didn't want to participate in any shows of closeness with his partner. It wasn't until after DDay #3 and his getting back into IC, this time with a wonderful therapist, that he was able to understand and embrace true intimacy.
Yes, sex is a wonderful way to show intimacy, but it is not the only way. What my H didn't understand is that while many men can have sex without true emotional intimacy, most women do not want sex without it. So after feeling pushed away and criticized by my H for years, I wasn't keen on having sex with him. When I did, I was not satisfied in any way. In fact, I usually felt sad, angry, and used. I felt like a $20 whore because my H was giving his body, but not his heart.
My H wrapped too much of his self-esteem up in his sexual ability, so when I responded negatively, he reacted even more negatively. Obviously, we had a vicious downward spiral going on.
Today, my H enjoys sex, but he enjoys feeling close and loved much more, and that has come from his opening up to me, verbally and emotionally, from learning how his skewed views on sex hurt him, me, and our marriage, and changing his views from unhealthy ones to healthy onese.
I totally agree that sex is an important component of a marriage, but it should not take precedence over everything else. My H expected me to give sexually with great enthusiasm and sensuality without his having to give emotionally. He didn't respect MY needs at all and selfishly considered only his own. There must be a balance with the needs of each spouse being consider if the marriage is to be a true partnership.
My H became furious with me because I wanted him to give more to the marriage and the family, but he was locked into the mindset that the H earns the money, and that is pretty much all he has to do. He has the right to expect sex when and how he wants it, the right to ignore the children, to not assume any responsibilities around the house, etc., etc. See, he had a very rigid, very immature understanding of marriage and relationships in general.
After loads of excellent IC and a lot of hard work on himself, my H sees how fallacious his way of thinking was and how much his actions hurt himself, me, our children, and our marriage. Today he has a closeness with our children and with me that he never had before. Coming to understand that sex maybe a part of intimacy, but intimacy isn't necessarily sexual was a HUGE step to his growth.
My H is a much happier man today. He has a much higher level of self-esteem than he had before (it was pretty nonexistent during the A years), and he has learned extremely valuable, positive coping skills that have replaced the damaging, negative coping skills (including sex) that worked to a degree but hurt him in the process.
I should add that prior to problems (including his A) in our marriage, we had a good sex life. Today we have the best we have ever had.
Wow! This post really got me thinking. I actually read it the day you posted it and have repeated reading it every day since. You have a way with words in helping a FBS, me, understand "new" ideas / thoughts in a different light.
I wish my WS could have eloquently as you did explain to me a view such as yours.
Very interesting - I can honestly say that I see things a bit differently after reading your post and for my own self it was helpful.
Please keep posting.
Thank you,
Coral
"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."
Hurt pup, I also heard something similar from my FWS 24 yrs ago..after He told me he had had many ONS's and short A's.. I changed my self...was more aware of his needs.. the only time he ever heard later or not now was when I was physically ill, and that was not often.. he cared only about the sex.. not the intimacy involved. The ONS's continued . When FWS had his yr long A 7 yrs ago..he all of a sudden KNEW how to take care of the OW..he listen to her and took care of her..I was the wife he didn't hear or pay attention to. That emotional intimacy was missing in our lives.
After lots of IC and MC we are doing much better..
Can ask if you always heard your wife..before the A or are you just hearing her now, and are you able to communicate your needs to her now?
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
This message has been edited by dancin-gal on May 2, 2008 6:08 PM
<<My H became furious with me because I wanted him to give more to the marriage and the family, but he was locked into the mindset that the H earns the money, and that is pretty much all he has to do. He has the right to expect sex when and how he wants it, the right to ignore the children, to not assume any responsibilities around the house, etc., etc. See, he had a very rigid, very immature understanding of marriage and relationships in general.>>
FF...my WH is the same. I am so happy for the two of you that IC worked and that your H has a more realistic view of sex and marriage. I tried to explian this to my WH...he didnt get it...he went out and found OW #2
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
FF
Your words help me a lot also...My H also has an immature view of sex and marriage, and feels like every man in the world, that is not gay or womanly feels the same way that he does..My H is unremorseful still..He has been too self defensive to benifit from counseling. I think a large part of his self esteem is based on whether he is thought to be good in bed or not, and it seems to me like he feels like if he can't resume sex with me in HIS time frame, then saving our marriage doesn't matter , as long as he has a continuous supply of bootie from somewhere....
Hurtin Pup;
I can feel your pain in your posts, but it seems like you're a lot more mature in your values and much more empathetic than my H...I think you and W would benefit greatly from IC, and learning better communication skills with each other....
Lisa
This message has been edited by stuckinonespot on May 4, 2008 12:40 PM
