WS is in NY on business...and he goes every 2-3 weeks or so. NY is where he met with his OW (she's from MN), so there are a lot of painful memories there. There is a restaurant that they went to that WS and I decided was "off limits" for emotional reasons (mine).

I just found out that he went there tonight for dinner...and I didn't know until I asked him where he was. He said he didn't make the reservations and didn't know until they were on their way. I KNOW that this is true...I have NO doubts on that one. And...I know that it is irrational to think that he can back out of a dinner with the CEO and CFO of the company when they are standing on the doorstep. WHY am I so upset that he went??

We have been doing so well...and I feel like I have been shoved a few steps back right now. I feel like he went because it wasn't convenient to not go and to have to come up with a reason.

I would love to hear thoughts on this...and what you feel like SHOULD HAVE happened...both from BS and WS, please.

Thanks...

Laura

((((((((((((Laura))))))))))...this is a trigger. Youre reaction is normal. We all trigger...names, places, people, cars, stores, restaurants...all can be triggers to name a few. If you know for a fact he is telling you the truth you have to tell him how you feel and together you can deal with the triggers. I really dont see any other way he could have handled it. Had he'd known in advance perhaps the arrangements could have been changed. The only other thing he could have done was call you immediately and let you know, instead of finding out only when you asked....but that is a tough call depending on what was happening at the time. Although you are triggering and hurting (and understandibly so), look at the positive....he told you the truth, and that is a good thing. Many would have lied in the name of trying not to hurt you or keeping the peace...but he stepped up to the plate, and was honest

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Thanks for the fast reply. I ended up talking to him for awhile...ended up just calling it a night. He said something a few times about getting off the phone because we were just going over the same things repeatedly. I finally asked him if he was going because he was tired and going to bed or if he just didn't want to talk to me anymore. He said that he wasn't really tired, but was going to go.

He KNEW that I was crying...and hung up anyhow. I am just so tired of all of this...and I am tired of being tired. I really thought that he would call back, but it doesn't seem like he is going to.

Hi Laura,

Your response was understandable...trigger for you of the A.. for your H it was being at a place he didn't want to be at because of you.. he was honest with you and told you ... Laura you can not ask more than that..

Laura how long since the A ended, and how has your H been since the A stopped? I think you have posted before .. so the A didn't just happen... THe restaurant is a place of bad memories..for you.. you now need to see that it is only a place and make new memories together with your H..so when he thinks about the food there he thinks about what a great meal he had with you.... I did this all over the city my H had his A in..now when he has middle eastern food he thinks of places we have had it together.. not just the places in XY city and not with the OW. He hopefully will see me laughing and having fun..enjoying our time together.

My IC told me I needed to change the trigger.. what was happening to me when I had the trigger.I still trigger..especially seeing a white car..when that trigger hits me much harder than normal it means that my communication with my H is off a bit..not that he is reverting to bad habits again but our communication skills need a tune up. The fear is building up, and I am projecting into the future..the what if..not trusting that my H is really doing all the right things.. not trusting what I am seeing. I revert backwards and that is why the trigger may hit me harder.. when my communication skills are good that trigger isn't as bad.. hope that makes sense.

The trigger isn't about a restaurant or a white car but what we are feeling, and lack of trust in what is happening.

hope this helps you,

Pat

"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

Laura...I feel so sad & sorry for you.
Hearing you say you are doing well & then something like this happens to throw you back again.

I am so glad to read that you believe your WS had no dicision or choice in where dinner was...and he told you. He could have lied & said it was elsewhere. So that is a great step.

Hang in there...
Healing

I found out about my WS's "fling" 9-8-07...it happened in July. WS has been very upfront, we have done MC...things are better than they have ever been. It sounds weird to say that, but it is so true. OW called him a month or so ago...he didn't even listen to the entire message. He told me about it immediately ... and said that he saved it in case I wanted to hear it. I listened to it, then he deleted it. He has absolutely no desire to talk to her.

WS has asked me to go to NY with him. We took our four boys there over Spring Break...they were definitely my safety net. I couldn't obsess about things with them there. They have NO idea that anything happened...or what was going on. I think I will take WS up on his offer of just me and him going. I think that is the only way that I am going to get through this. I like the idea of making new memories with him there. He is there every few weeks on business...I would rather think of him there with me than with her.

Baseball season has started...and we are gone every day of the week. I totally get what you are saying about it being about something else. We talked a lot over the weekend, and I feel like we are back on the same page again. He did a couple of really sweet things for me this weekend that were very unexpected. It meant so much...just to know that he cares that much.

Laura