I read all kinds of post here about WS's who still lie, cheat, contact their past lovers, etc.
What kills me most is that I know I am trying and it still gets me nowhere.
H saw his psyc yesterday. He only sees him monthly or so for med monitoring..and a little counseling. I have NEVER spoken to this Dr yet he makes generalizations about "my type" and about the "type" of jerks I was with and tells H I am STILL LYING to him about things. That really made me angry & I even called the secretary & told her to give the Dr a message for me...That I did NOT appreciate him making generalized ASSumptions about me and getting my H all riled up because I am the one who has to deal with my H not him.
From the day H found out I have done nothing more to cheat.
What I did was horrible, cheap, sleazy & disgusting.
I can't ever deny that or forget it (even if I wanted to H would never let me) He is back to shoving the fact that all they wanted was sex in my face every opportunity. Doesn't he think I already know that?? I have to live with what I did every day. I hurt my husband, kids & self...I live with that daily..not just him.
Healing....or at least I thought I was.

As a WS what are you doing to help him heal? Have you asked him what he needs?

You can't expect your spouse to just believe what you say. It takes years to prove that you aren't lying and cheating. I know it is hard, but if you want to establish you aren't then it will take alot of patience and alot of communication. I'm not sure how long its been since dday for you.

Perhaps you could both go to counselling and you could suggest he doesn't see this toxic psychiatrist anymore. There are alot of good therapists in this world, but just as many bad.

Have you both read any books together....

After the Affair
Not Just Friends
Monogamy Myth
etc

K

Opps just read the other post.....I'm sorry things are so bad. It sounds like you are really trying and it just isn't working. Just remember that one year in the grand scheme of things isn't really that long. I agree with Tom's post.

Thanks
Youa re right Ami I am frustrated.
We have talked a bit in the past...you know about things....so you are right in your guessing.

I know a year isn't long, but to me it seems like we are no better off somedays.
Now his saying he can't ever forgive me for what "I" did.
Nothing he did is ever an issue or problem...just what "I" did.
Because he had a long term affair with somebody he got to know for a month 1st then fell for & the fact that she will still speak to him now almost 10 years later proves his was a "real" relationship.
So I guess that makes it all right.
He wasn't sleazy or cheap & he actually cared for her & she him, so that is different than what "I" did....

>Because he had a long term affair with somebody he got to know for a month 1st then fell for & the fact that she will still speak to him now almost 10 years later proves his was a "real" relationship.
So I guess that makes it all right. He wasn't sleazy or cheap & he actually cared for her & she him, so that is different than what "I" did....

I'd disagree about his self assesement. Contrary to some popular opinions, there no extramarital affairs, NONE, that are OK or good. All are slimy, cheap, sleazy, self-serving, and most of all, unloving. The fact that he has maintained a relationship only means that he is even more selfish and non-repentant on his affair than he thinks you have been.

Worst of all, I have felt more offended by the feelings that my wife shared with the OM rather than the sexual part of it. So, if that is generally the case then, while I don't think we can compare pain, his affair "went further" and hurt "more".

TomJ

Thanks Tom, it is finally nice to find somebody who realizes what pain the fact that his A (although was 9+ years ago) caused me all because it was so emotional.

He is sorry for his absolutely....but he also thinks my escapades were way, way worse.
In a way they were because of the cheapness, however
like you said they are all bad.
Thanks
Healing

Healing

Please know that many of us here know the pain of living with an H who had a romantic affair with an OW. What he did has altered your relationship just as much as what you did. As Tom says, there are NO "good" affairs; there is never an excuse for betraying your spouse. If his relationship with OW was "real" why didn't he do the right thing and tell you that your relationship was in trouble before he made the moves on OW? And if he is stil in contact with OW he is essentially continuing an emotional affair which may have had something to do with why you felt alienated from the marriage. And he risks the EA becoming physical - I know to my cost that this is a huge risk when the WS stays in contact with the OP for whatever reason.

It's not a blame game and no-one is ever comfortable about an affair, but it seems like you are doing everything you can and your H is accepting it without acknowledging the impact of his own behaviour. Seems like you two have huge unresolved issues and he's taking the easy way out by blaming you for everything.

I read all kinds of post here about WS's who still lie, cheat, contact their past lovers, etc.
What kills me most is that I know I am trying and it still gets me nowhere.
H saw his psyc yesterday. He only sees him monthly or so for med monitoring..and a little counseling. I have NEVER spoken to this Dr yet he makes generalizations about "my type" and about the "type" of jerks I was with and tells H I am STILL LYING to him about things. That really made me angry & I even called the secretary & told her to give the Dr a message for me...That I did NOT appreciate him making generalized ASSumptions about me and getting my H all riled up because I am the one who has to deal with my H not him.
From the day H found out I have done nothing more to cheat.
What I did was horrible, cheap, sleazy & disgusting.
I can't ever deny that or forget it (even if I wanted to H would never let me) He is back to shoving the fact that all they wanted was sex in my face every opportunity. Doesn't he think I already know that?? I have to live with what I did every day. I hurt my husband, kids & self...I live with that daily..not just him.
Healing....or at least I thought I was.

Dear HMH,

I don't post here very often but I have been a member of HH for the past three years. Three years ago, I had an affair with a father of one of my children's classmates. It was physical, though it became emotional before then. A year isn't a long time when it comes to healing the heart. Your husband is still angry, upset and rattled to discover what you had done. It will take lots of time to recover from that.

It concerns me that the doctor your husband is seeing for counseling is putting these thoughts into his mind. The whole purpose of counseling is for the counselor to LISTEN to what the patient says and then offer NEUTRAL suggestions. His/her feelings on adultery, affairs, etc. should not come into play and in my opinion unethical. The counselor's job is to help the patient to deal, cope and eventually overcome the issue that brings him/her to the office. I know right now you aren't going to be able to talk to your husband about his doctor but if things ever get to a point where you feel your husband will listen to you, gently suggest that maybe he find another one, just to get another opinion.

There are SOOOOOO many changing feelings (as you have found out) that the betrayed go through. One minute they are feeling that they can handle their day, the next they are screaming and railing against you for what you have done. So, my concern would be what frame of mind was your husband in when he has seen this counselor? Despite our best efforts, we're all human, and are easily influenced by the circumstances around us. If his doctor is a male, then he may be more sympathetic to him as another male and may suggesting stereotypical slurs about you to him.

I know it isn't easy, well, let's just say, my story hasn't had a happy ending. Unlike many members here, my marriage ended last year in divorce. My ex-husband left me and the kids for another woman and then I filed for divorce in May. Divorce was completed in November. Though he left under the guise of "reconciliation" between us, that was soon to be found out a lie, as his co-workers started talking to me about him bringing a woman from California to live with him. They were surprised, as he hadn't been gone for even a month. So, my marriage is over, though I can honestly say that I am glad that it is. It was terrible, even BEFORE my affair. Neither of us had the courage to end it though.

The only advice, and comfort, I can offer you, as one betrayer to another, is that you can only do what YOU can to prove to him your fidelity. IF he chooses to not accept it, then you can walk away with a clear conscience, knowing that you did what you could to fix and repair. I did what I could but apparently it wasn't enough, so he decided to go on a vendetta against me. Some here don't believe that my ex had an affair, however, when he left me, he left me thinking that we were just trying to work things out and make the marriage better (he didn't believe that we could do so unless we were living separately). However, I soon found out that that was a lie. So, yeah, he didn't necessarily "cheat" as I did, but he wasn't fully honest in his intentions, and I still feel he had an affair (as do many people I have talked with this).

I'm personally not worried about what others on this board think about my situation, it is done and over with. I am relieved to be free of him, he was a liar and an abuser. I just needed the swift kick in the seat of the pants to dump him for good.

My case isn't the norm, so please don't think that your marriage will end as mine has. I can't promise you that it won't either but know that there are successful stories here---Rett and Amber, Dubld (David) and Tiffany, Sunflower and her husband, Ami and her husband, TomJ and his wife, etc. Many good people who have walked in your shoes (as betrayers) or in your husband's shoes (as betrayed). Don't give up hope, don't quit the fight. If you truly love your husband, then don't give up.

Yes, what you did was "horrible, cheap, sleazy and disgusting". You recognize that and are now taking steps to rectify that. Know that you are becoming a BETTER person than you were before your affair. A year isn't a long time when it comes to healing, though it seems forever to us. I remember dispairing and coming here to cry because it seemed like it would NEVER end. However, as my mother told me last year during the darkest times of my divorce, "Quitting isn't an option". If you want to save your marriage, then quitting isn't an option for you. You will have to take what he throws at you and do it with dignity and humility. But, as many BS will testify, as time separates him from this discovery, the flames will lessen.

Sorry for the length of the post, I just saw your pain and remembered what I felt going through your shoes.

Take care,

DH

My S2BX has been working in Australia for quite sometime.  Bordellos are legal in Aus.  Shortly after d-day, my S2BX and I were talking and he PROUDLY told me that "at least I didn't go to the bordellos"  That comment made me so angry and I lashed out at him that I would gladly have him visit the bordellos instead of having the A, that I could understand his need for meeting physical needs while we apart, but I could not and would not accept his involvement with a woman that was destroying our relationship.    (That was my feeling at the time in discussing the two alternatives (A v. bordello) and clearly indicates how low my self esteem and sense of self worth were at the time.) He could comprehend how much worse the betrayal was to me because of the "friendship", and he probably never will because is his mind he is justifying the A because it involved "friendship". 

IMHO it sounds as if your H feels his A was "justified" because of the emotional involvement.  In my mind, and it seems most women's minds, the emotional part of the A is a far worse betrayal than the physical part.  Also, as long as he is still in contact with the OW, in any way, shape, or form, he is continuing his A.  Have you ever asked him if he would have felt better about your A if you had been emotionally involved with the OM?  and if so, why? 

I have heard it said that the ability of society to accept young men having casual sex is the concept that they are invading and conquering and the inability of society to accept women from having casual sex is that they are being invaded and conquered.  Sexual taboos that go back to the begining of time.  I think his inability to let go of your A is the age old concept that another man was "invading" his "space".

“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”