My daughter and her boyfriend/fiance decided last night to cancel their wedding and to put the baby up for adoption. My H and I support their decisions, but, of course, we have mixed feelings about the baby. I have requested to my daughter that she consider doing an open adoption because of a lot a reasons.
Fairyfriend,
There is a wonderful agency in TX where your daughter can choose the parents for her baby..open adoption..GLADNEY foundation.. Or center.. I have only heard wonderful experiences from the parents who have adoptive thru this center. They are so grateful to the girls who make the terribly hard decision to give up their child.
I understand how you feel.. I would be dying inside.. and wondering if I would be willing to raise another child, worry about all the everyday things that babies need.. love is automactic..but when something comes along and you cannot do it because of baby.. resentments build
I think that your daughter made a decision that is best for the baby.. Your daughter is truly using her head as she needs to move ahead with her own life..finish school and get the tools she needs to grow up and be ready to choose the the life she has dreamed of..selfish absolutely not..she wants what is best for her child..2 parents who will love the child and be thankful that she/he is in their life.. opposed to being 16 and having to attend school work for diapers and possibly never be able to support the child as she was supported by you…in the emotional and financial sense.
Fairyfriend if your daughter does go ahead with this decision she will make two people very happy and the baby will be so wanted and so loved... they will thank God everyday for your daughters decision.
((((( Big big hugs))))
Pat
This message has been edited by dancin-gal on May 4, 2008 1:22 PM
I'm sorry for the obvious pain that your daughter's decision has caused you, however, as you have stated, it is the best for her and the baby. I am adopted, however, your grandchild will have something that I have never had---knowledge of her/his parents. My mother was a South Korean girl, my father probably an American soldier. My mother didn't give birth to me in a hospital and I was abandoned about two weeks after I was born. I don't know who my biological parents are, I don't know when I was born. All I know is that I was left on a streetcurb in the middle of the night to be found.
Your grandchild will be fortunate to have knowledge of her/his parents and know that they did what was best for him/her. Ideally, two people would be married and in love before having a baby, however, this world isn't ideal and we have to live with our choices. I think, as an adopted child, that this baby will have a good life, bringing joy to a couple who may not be able to have children of their own. I know I am thankful every day for my mother's decision to give me up (albeit a rather unorthodox way) and give me a chance to have a better life.
After the baby is born, your daughter will need you and your husband more than ever to love her, support her and help her through this trauma (as it will be a trauma). I know you have a sweet, caring heart from our personal conversations and through what you post to the hurting here. I know you will find the strength and words to help your daughter weather this storm.
FF,
As a mom I can envision the turmoil in your heart over this decision, even though your head is telling you it's the right choice for your D. To know that a part of "us" essentially will be raised by someone that's not blood-related can be heartwrenching, but it sounds like your D and her BF are acting with a great amount of maturity. That's admirable and speaks to the great job you did as a parent.
I have 2 aunts that gave up babies for adoption way back when, and that was before open adoptions were so common. One aunt is totally at peace with it and the other has really struggled. What's interesting is that the aunt that has really struggled recently had the good fortune of her child seeking her out and contacting her. She is now married with a child of her own, and is coming up for my grandpa's birthday in June and the whole huge extended family will get to meet her. We're very excited! The other aunt has had no desire to track down her adopted child that I know of, and treated it like a death and has mourned and let go. I think their different personalities dictated how they handled giving up their babies.
If your D is interested in an open adoption it might really help her to know for certain through pictures and updates that the baby is happy and healthy and loved immensely. But if she doesn't want an open adoption then it might be because she knows it would be too painful to watch that child grow and know she wasn't the one being called "mommy". What a difficult decision to make. My heart goes out to her and to you, and I'll keep your family in my prayers.
My daughter is adopted. We have an open adoption in the sense that we met her birth parents and they chose us. They were very young -- mother 16, father 18. My daughter's birth father had mixed feelings about the adoption because his father had abandoned him and he didn't want to do the same to his child. We offered to meet with him once a month for the first year of my daughter's life so he could feel better about his decision. We were a little nervous about that, but it turned out to be a wonderful opportunity to get to know him -- and his mother & sister who came along, as well.
My daughter is now almost 13. We send her birth parents pictures and an letter once a year. Her birth father has never missed sending a birthday gift and usually sends something at Christmas, too. Her birth mother usually sends a letter each year. Both are now successful adults and have often told us how good they feel about the decision they made, both for my daughter's sake and theirs.
My daughter has always known she was adopted. When she was about 9 or so, we explained who the gifts were coming from every year. She proudly wears the jewelry she has been sent and cherishes the dolls and other keepsakes. I believe she feels loved by us all.
Big hugs to you my friend.
I can feel the sorrow in your words - yet there is some pride in her and her boyfriend making one of the most unselfish decisions they'll ever make - giving up their baby to a family who wants one.
((((((((FF)))))))))))
(((((((((FF's daughter))))))))))))))))
(((((((((FF's daugher's boyfriend))))))))))))))))
Denise
"Our lives begin to end when we become silent about things"
The pendulum seems to be swinging back to their keeping the baby, just not getting married for a few years. This decision is fine with us. We just want all three to be healthy and happy.
The big news of the day is that my daughter had her first ultrasound today. My H, her fiance, and I were all squeezed into the ultrasound room, so that we could see the baby. (Wow, the images were amazing, especially compared to the ultrasounds I had back in 1989 and 1992.)
The baby is--drumroll please--a boy.
I guess I can get rid of the small stash of vaguely girl clothes (but they were soooooooo cute) I had acquired.
I am so pleased the way things are working out. When I had first read your news - about choosing the adoption route - I can tell you from my "wannabe grandmotherly soul" that I felt so deeply for you, that I simply couldn't reply. The thought of giving away your first grandchild...even though it may - may - be the best thing, would still break my heart. Our three "kids" are grown (28, 30, 33) and yet we have no grandkids.
Count your blessings, GrandFairy!
Peace is not just the absence of war; it's an exercise in compassion. -Dalai Lama
Coming to you from JJ
I want to commend you on your incredible love. You have handled a difficult situation or two with love and compassion. That is one lucky family you have!
The best to your daughter as she continues to grow and mature, and realize how very blessed she is to have such a wonderful Mom. Happy Mother's day to you both!
Dear Lynda I had to respond separately to your beautiful post. It touched my heart deeply.
Your loving decision to meet with your daughter's birth parents monthly for the first year of her life was an incredibly loving gift. Your continued wisdom to send pictures and letters to them and allow them to be involved in your dauther's life brought tears to my eyes. What an incredible decision to help all involved heal from a painful decision that truly is as perfect as you can make it. I am so deeply touched that I had to send you a loving hug for both you and your family.
The incredible people on this board always amaze me with their love. I have never read a post by you before, but I will certainly look for your name. What a loving heart you have and I am so glad that you are part of our family. Even though pain has brought us all together, healing is what makes us family. Your love is truly special and I am so glad you shared that beautiful story with us.
Happy Mother's day Lynda, you are certainly one of the best!
Much Love,
EL
Lynda wrote
"My daughter is adopted. We have an open adoption in the sense that we met her birth parents and they chose us. They were very young -- mother 16, father 18. My daughter's birth father had mixed feelings about the adoption because his father had abandoned him and he didn't want to do the same to his child. We offered to meet with him once a month for the first year of my daughter's life so he could feel better about his decision. We were a little nervous about that, but it turned out to be a wonderful opportunity to get to know him -- and his mother & sister who came along, as well.
My daughter is now almost 13. We send her birth parents pictures and an letter once a year. Her birth father has never missed sending a birthday gift and usually sends something at Christmas, too. Her birth mother usually sends a letter each year. Both are now successful adults and have often told us how good they feel about the decision they made, both for my daughter's sake and theirs.
My daughter has always known she was adopted. When she was about 9 or so, we explained who the gifts were coming from every year. She proudly wears the jewelry she has been sent and cherishes the dolls and other keepsakes. I believe she feels loved by us all.
I have to give credit to my H for this. Although I came up with the idea of meeting with the birth father for a year, it was my H who stayed the most calm and focused during a time that had the birth mother & father's families fighting over giving their baby up for adoption. (As I said, the birth father had issues about "abandoning" his child. About a week after we brought our daughter home, he told us he was having second thoughts. The mother's family wanted her to be able to move on with her life, while giving her child a good home).
My H set aside his own ego (because there he was having to "co-father" our baby to some extent), and spent a couple of hours talking to the birth father in a soothing, reassuring way. My H told him we were absolutely not interested in taking away someone else's child. If the birth father really wanted to raise her, we would return her to him at once. But he managed to get the birth father to open up about his issues and work out a solution that was a happy and satisfying one for all concerned.
The birth father has since told us how grateful he was for this and has let us know that he appreciates that he has been able to finish college, travel and actually live his young life, all the while knowing that he did what he felt was the best for his daughter. And he (and the birth mom) will always hold a very special place in our hearts for giving us such a gift.
The way my husband conducted himself in this situation showed the kind of character he (once) had. This was the man I fell in love with. This is what made the discovery of his A all the more painful. I am still struggling to reconcile the self-LESS and self-ISH sides of him.
Hello FF and Lynda - My daughter too is adopted. We had a semi-open adoption (as open as her birth mother wanted).There was a lot of uncertaintly also in our situation as the mother of the birthmother did not want our daughter to be adopted. Our daughter has reached out to her birthmother as a young child (with our support and through an intermediatry). Although there was a response from the birthmother it was very evident that she was not ready for more contact - a very difficult experience for our young daughter, and us. Even though she and I have always been really close the later rejection by her birth mother is somewhere a deep factor in some of what is happening now. FF - whatever happens for your daughter and her baby, all that really matters is that her actions (and the father's), now and in the future, be based on love for their child. Lynda - I too was moved by your story - it's a loving and sensitive story. MM
As an adopted child, from a foreign country, I applaud the women who allow their child to be adopted and the adoptive parents to allow their child to get to know their birth mother. I have no hope of ever knowing my birth parents, as my situation doesn't allow me. Before someone says that I could find out, I have some circumstances that don't give me that opportunity, namely I 1. wasn't born in a hospital and therefore no one knows my birth mother and 2. I was abandoned on the street curb in the middle of the night and no one saw my mother do so. So, I have always been left with those haunting questions. For those who have adopted and allowed their child the chance to meet the biological mother, kudos for you. Even though another woman gave birth to your child, your child will ALWAYS be yours, no matter what. I know if I ever met my birth mother, that my mom would still be my mom. My birth mother would be the woman who conceived me and gave me life, nothing more.
Adoption is one of the most selfless acts a woman can do. To give up a baby she carried for nine months to someone who will give that child a better life, is an ultimate sacrifice. I don't know how I would handle such a situation. For the grandparents of the baby to support the mother in this, is a great sacrifice too. FF, you and your husband are to be commended for your support of your daughter and her fiance. I hope that whatever she chooses, that there will be peace in her heart.
Thank you all for sharing your stories. They are inspirational.
I believe the parents have decided to keep the baby and marry later. Looking at their faces and seeing them holding hands while the ultrasound was being performed was powerful. There is no doubt in my mind that they love each other and want to be a couple and a family.
I have been amazed at how much my daughter has grown up in the last few months. I'm proud of her and the changes she has made. I beleive she will be a good mother.
I know having a baby in our home after so many years will be a challenge, but it will also be a huge blessing.
