WH called, wanted to know if we were going to our son's Culinary Arts program graduation together tomorrow...asked me where his ties were in the bags of clothing I gave him when I cleaned out his closet and put them infront of our house. Yep...he has not even gone through them yet and it has been 2 months since I had him haul them off. I told him that we are not going together. I told him I didn't want to have anything to do with him from now on. Told him as long as he is cheating one me we have nothing to say to one another...that he cannot go to family events with me or come over and act like we're a "happy family". He said I was being a bitch! That was it!!! I layed into him. How dare he call me a bitch cause Im upholding my boundaries and while he is the one cheating! And Yet, Im the bitch...if he wasn't cheating on me I wouldnt be acting this way! I was so angry with him. Then he said he has been enjoying his time with me and the kids and that he plans of breaking up with OW. And Im supposed to believe that? And why now? Why should he care? He has been nothing but a jacka$$....giving me excuses as to why he is cheating and blaming me for it. He said when I act like this (meaning, uphold my boundaries) it makes him not want to come home. Well, no one asked you to come home!
Why do they do this? Why do they F with your head and your heart? What gives them the right? And when you put your foot down suddenly it's time to break it off with OW! He shouldn't have been seeing her in the first place...why did he have to go there and have another A? Why couldn't he just work on his issues ...why couldnt he have just kept his word in the first place? I will NEVER understand this, NEVER! How people can just do such cruel things and be so selfish? And he kept saying he didn't want to hurt anyone. Well, he had already hurt me and the kids...so who is he worried about OW? If he was SO upfront with her as he claimed he was then he is not hurting her. So he probably did lie to her...gave her false hope, as he has given me time and time again.
BTW: It changes nothing! I still plan on keeping my consultation with the other lawyer as scheduled and I still plan on filing for divorce. Where I live it can take as long as 2 years for a divorce to go through if it is contested or as little as 3 months if it is agreed upon by both parties.
Right now, I am feel so angry! I could hurt him! And I told him he's lucky I didn't snap like some people and hurt some one. But of course he doesn't understand that. If I could scream online I would, lol! ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
I termed my H the Master Manipulator. He knew what to say to whom and when. It wasn't till my IC told me that it was emotional abuse that it really sunk in to me. I was being emotionally abused by a man that was so AGAINST physical abuse to a woman. (Another time, another story, but he had got involved in mediating a few domestic abuse cases of woman when he was in the USMC - part of the job.)
If I said I was leaving... on the spot he would say, "I've changed!" If I said I was calling one of the harem to see if he was still seeing them already knowing he was, he would say "You shouldn't it will just bring them back into our lives." If I was to say I am telling your family what is going on, he would say, "I will never do it again, I have learned my lesson." And I cant tell you - when push came to shove how many times I heard he was "breaking it off with them to be with me."
MASTER MANIPILATORS! It is an art and my H, even according to his current IC, has perfected the craft beyond belief. NO KIDDING!
My heart goes out to you Cal!
Coral
"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."
Ok, I just had a flashback of my H saying the same thing to me.
To me this was the translation:
"Oh, you're actually getting sick of my crap. Well, I will tell you this because not only will it give you false hope, but it will make you feel guilty for standing your ground."
OR....
"Oh, you're actually going to stand up to me. How dare you? Well, here is your punishment....now it can be your fault that we didn't work out."
That was my view.....still is. Sometimes just thinking about the crap he pulled on me makes me sick.
Good for you for standing your ground Cal. SALLY FORTH!
I'm so sorry for your pain. I hear it loud and clear through your post, I only wished your jerk of a husband could. Keep your appointment, stick to your guns. SHOW him you mean business and that he isn't welcomed in your life anymore. I know that divorce will hurt and will be painful for you and the children but in the long run, I think it is what is best for YOU. YOU have to start thinking of yourself and your children. YOU have to start being selfish, as your WH has been all these years. I know as mothers it isn't easy to be selfish, we give so much of ourselves to our family, but now is the time for you to do so. Know that everyone here is behind you 150% and will be here for you to scream into cyberspace. Many of us, including myself, have gone through what you are facing right now, so you're not alone in this.
Remember to take care of yourself by eating and exercising and take time to breathe deeply and let the negative emotions out of your body. Otherwise they may start poisoning you. Good luck tomorrow at your son's graduation ceremony. I know you are one proud momma and your children are a reflection of the good person you are, not their father.
I feel the shift as my IC says. I feel NOTHING for my WH at this moment. I feel strong again for standing my ground and sticking to my boundaries. But something inside of me changed a few days ago...and that is expectations! I no longer "expect" my WH to do anything, especially keep his word. If he doesn't break it off with OW I will not be crushed, nor surprised. And guess what? It feels GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! I am OK..I accept things for what they are, and it feels as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I know my struggles are not over yet, not by a long shot...but right now, I feel really good
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
I am sooooo happy to hear the strength in your voice.
There is something I would like you to do, however, and that is stop talking to your STBX. Stop justifying your actions. Stop defending yourself. Stop questioning him. Stop accusing.
Fairyfriend says (quoting Nancy) "Just say no."
Talking to him is about as productive as talking to a brick wall. Oh, no, wait. A brick wall won't call you names!
At least think about it. Talking to him doesn't help you, and it allows him to have some involvement in your life and maybe even gives him some kind of warped satisfaction.
So stop it, ok?
Just my fairy cents' worth and empowering fairy hugs,
FF...I hear you! Right now I am only talking to him about the children. Of course there is so much going on with our son turning 18 and graduating and other special events lately, all related to the children. So unfortunately there has been a lot of legitimate needed communication lately. The problem is then we get off topic. I need to focus and not say anything else or let him. After June there will not be much going on with the kids and communication should be at a minimum. In the meantime I need to stay strong and stick to MY boundaries. The line got a little muddied after I found out he was cheating again, cause it really hurt and threw me for a loop. But I have gained much of my strength back and have reinstated my boundaries and am moving ahead.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
This has all been such a process for me. Maybe others can relate. The first time you are betrayed you are in shock and don't know what to do, and there is a lot of pain and fear. It takes a long time to get back on your feet after the devistation of your world....nothing will ever be the same, including YOU. The next time, you are still in shock and pain, but you are begining to understand the drill and start to take more care of yourself, and you get back on your feet a little faster. The next time, you are hurt, but not shocked, you get over some of your fears, take better care of yourself and you get back on your feet a little sooner still. The next time, well, you just no longer have any expectations so it hurts less, much of your fears are gone because you are taking care of you, you create a new world for yourself, and you get back on your feet fairly quickly. Once you no longer have any expectations, and you are fully taking care of yourself and you can move through the process even faster until your old world is completely gone...and all you see is the new one you have created for yourself. It becomes about YOU and what you want and deserve...instead of something done to you by someone else....they no longer have any power over you. I think this process is called letting go (of MY log, aka WH)...at least that is how it feels to me.
I think the part where we wish to control someone, is not so much about control in the general meaning of the word. But it is more about expectations in my opinion. You make vows and you expect your spouse to honor those vows. I kept expecting a liar to keep his word. One who has lied to me since before we got married (the Amsterdam/Credit Card incident). Talk about a contradiction...a liar, not lie! "I" had expectations...that is where so much of my pain came from. I keep my word, so I could never understand why it was so hard for him to do the same. There are so many reasons why he can't keep his word, but those are HIS issues, not mine. He never worked on those issues, so what did I expect? Here I am trying to make sense out of something that literally has nothing to do with me, nor makes and sense....something I cannot change, no matter how much logic I throw at it. I tried to step back....let him have his space to figure things out. He seemed to finally be working on his issues, and I expected him to continue on that path. Then BAM, he starts sleeping with someone else. That I did not expect! Why? Cause I expected him to keep his word. Hmmmmm, funny how that DOES NOT work. I no longer have any expectations of him, and that really seems to have helped me to let go of him the most.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
