Dear Laura
Like many others here on HH I have been concerned about your being swayed to and fro by your H's
actions and the way you have been feeling. For some of us here the answer is easy - give up, let go;
you are only responsible for your own behavior and it's your H who is responsible for his, etc. Now,
I know you know that, at least in one part of your mind. In the things you have written though I see
many echoes of the way I too have been pushed and pulled around over the years, and so I hope this
will help. What I write comes from experience...>
but I know it works!
Truly, you cannot MAKE your H do anything, and it's obvious to any observer that he has no intention
of making changes unless he is FORCED to, and then, he will blame you. He is very, very good at this,
and once you recognise this Laura for what it is, then you have to consider how you will react.
I can see from what you write that it is very hard for you to acknowledge that your H whom you love and
care for DOES willingly and knowingly do things which he knows you don't want, which he knows hurt you,
and simply, knowing that, that he does not care. Your hurt is not his hurt; he is not being hurt at all,
he is doing as he likes, and all he will ever do whilst he can continue on the way he is, will be simple
'damage control', ie, he will do whatever it takes to shut you up. He will attack you where you are
vulnerable, slamming your mothering, your housekeeping, accusing you of not caring enough about your family
or your husband. He knows very well that these things work to keep you in line. That you are unhappy,
even miserable, doesn't matter to him. He does not feel your unhappiness. Simply, he wants what he wants,
and he will bluster and bully until you give it to him. What he wants is for you to keep putting up with
his behaviour.
I know only too well how hard it is to stand up to an H who is supposedly loving yet will withdraw support,
attention and affection and ATTACK with nasty words if you say something he does not like. I have lived
with that too, and I've also heard many, many people say 'Why do you put up with it'... Well, for lots
of reasons, but most of them came down to fear. Being afraid. Me being afraid of H.
I found it very hard to accept that H WAS 'that mean' because it didn't fit with what I WANTED to think about
him. However, that is the truth, and the more sneaky the situation, the harder it is for us to face it.
I think Laura that like me, you like to believe the best in people, and to believe that they mean well. It's
harder for us to accept that people WILL bully and threaten to get their own way and that some of those
people PRETEND to be loving and kind while acting quite the opposite. I think that you also, again, like I do,
see someone acting 'good' and think that's what they are really like or would always like to be like. This
just isn't so. For some people, like my H and yours, being nice is not what they really are. Being nice is
an act. They do it just often enough for us to believe they might do it more often, and the rest of the time,
they do just as they like, and walk all over us.
I can see you too are afraid Laura, and I can tell you, you CAN rearrange your life so you are not afraid and
vulnerable, and then, you will be able to take stock of where you are and what you want to do.
Look at all the things you like to do, what make you feel good. How many of those rely on your H? Work
on those. Move them out of his influence. Do things he can't affect or spoil.
Look at all the things you really need. How many of those rely on your H? Work to get those out of his
reach too. Make new friends. Learn new things. Get yourself into a job, study, or a new field of work if
you already have one. Work towards reinventing, or re-finding, yourself as a person who doesn't depend on
H for anything.
Look at your children. How are they being affected? Don't make excuses for your H to or pretend he is better
than he is. They will see through H by themselves, and they need to see and hear you being honest
about him too. They need your support, you need their respect. You can work on that. You don't have to be
rude or nasty about your H, just be truthful. Your children need a relationship with you that isn't
poisoned by you OR them covering up for your H's bad behavior.
Look at yourself. Where are your strengths, where do you need to do better? Think about how you feel when your H is mean. Rehearse a better response to yourself for next time he is nasty. Better still - don't respond at all. DON'T fall into the trap of thinking that he is 'talking' and you better make the most of the opportunity...
I got caught like that too - the only opportunity going on is the one he's taking to attack you, often before you realise it. As soon as you can't make the response you want or realise you're afraid to say what you really mean, stop talking. You don't have to participate in 'talks' that are just hidden ways to bully you some more.
Stack up the things you like doing, and have them ready for when H is mean, or absent. Do them all, one after the other. Show yourself that keeping busy and happy isn't dependent on how your H acts to you. It WILL become second nature to you after a while.
You might find this link reminds you of how your H behaves - I found it useful...
http://www.narcissism.operationdoubles.com/narcissistic_temper_tantrum.htm
Above all, remember, your self is your own, you have the right to look after yourself and love yourself. It is not loving on anyone's part to enable bad behavior especially when the target is ourselves!
Keep looking up Laura and keep moving forward.
C
