Today my WH shows up at the house...starts crying and telling me he wants us back, me and the kids, and that he wants to come home. I just don't even know what to do with this information. For the last 6-7 years all this man has done is lie to me and cheat on me...and now he wants us back! I haven't mattered to him for years! WTF? To say I am angry would be an understatement. I told him that I don't know what I want, but right now I need him to leave me alone. He left in tears (poor baby). Maybe he can now understand a small portion of the pain he has caused me and the kids. He says he is trying to change. I said actions speak louder than words, and so far you have shown me you don't want us, and haven't for a long time. He says he wants us now. I said why? He said cause he misses us and he wants me to be his wife. I should have smacked him across the face for that remark. He has no idea how to treat me as his wife. In all honesty, I miss him too, but that doesn't mean Im taking him back. He has a long way to go before he is capable of having a relationship with anyone. I just don't know...his thinking is so messed up! He didn't say whether he was still sleeping with OW #2 or not either...so who knows if he is or isn't. Last time we talked about it he was "thinking of breaking up with her". That doesn't mean he did it....and even if he said he had, why would I believe him?
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Even if he has broken up with OW#2 - does that change things Cal?
If he truly wants to come home then he will do the work necessary to prove to you he deserves to come home. Saying it means nothing at this point. His words mean nothing. If he isn't doing the work, whether he comes home and misses you or not, there may be more OW.
So far, he hasn't done what you need him to.
Cal I know this is hard and he is pulling on your heart strings, but be firm and hold tight to those boundaries. You go girl!
I don't have a lot of time, but I wanted to say that Kim is so so right. Hold firm. If he wants back he has a lot to do, and lots of time needs to pass with him a changed man before he earns his way back.
Cal, I know this is hard. But he has done this before.
Ami and Kim said it all. Cal, no matter what you want or don't the message for him is he has to EARN his way back. What are the steps he has to take that are IRON CLAD NON NEGOTIABLE. After you make that list and he follows it THEN you can decide what is best for you. The truth is what he has to do will benefit HIM whether or not the marragie survives. It will make HIM a better man, father and husband and in the end that is all we can ask of affair recovery and healing.
Till then YOU go on with YOUR life. He has not earned your love or respect yet.
When my H said he would do anything.. he did.. he walked the walk. He has spent the last 8 years doing everything right. How many days has your husband done EVERYTHING right? He has to earn not talk his way back into the life of his family.
Meanwhile.. it was never about not loving you.. it was about him not loving him.
Cal,
I think, obviously, all of our HEARTS would want to be accepted back...to think we have the "old" life back again...
But that never truly happens. The old life is just that....old. When one spouse does another wrong...and wrong...and wrong again...we, the BS, must be VERY WARY.
Their motives so far have been manipulative. What is his motive now?
Think, think, think. Do NOT allow your "wannabee heart" to rule your life...because DEEP inside you KNOW that life is over. He knows that, too. That's what he worries about now...IS HE TO BE LEFT ALONE?
NOT your concern. YOU - your kids - are YOUR concern. They have NOT been his concern for SOOOO long.
Is his ready to make the big changes? Is he ready to give up pot? Is he ready to be HONEST?
The bottom line - to me - is .... prove it. Everything he's proved so far has been deceitful...now what is he capable of?
Does he have the "right stuff?"
DON'T jump at his first offer! I KNOW you want to!!! But THINK! THINK of yourself first...of your kids....let him PROVE to you he's for real...that he's worthy.
Think about ALL the issues. You did NOTHING hasty when you decided he had to leave...do NOTHING hasty to accept him back. Time will tell.
Ladies, Cal will NOT rush back into her H's arms..she has come too far in her healing to make that mistake .. if she did consider taking him H back he has a LOT of work to do before he walks thru the door..
(((hugs)))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
I think he's "telling the truth", but as an addict he is completely unable to fulfill or meet even the minimum requirements for any "reasonable" length of time, let alone perminantely.
Knowing this, you can't tell if he's lying or not. To me, the minimum requirment is a change of attitude about sex and drugs and a period of time showing that changes have been made in his behavior, but the truth is that you are the only person who gets to make that determination.
TomJ
This message has been edited by tomj76 on May 16, 2008 9:00 AM
I agree with Tom. I think your H is probably telling the truth - "he wants you back." But wanting you back and doing the "right" things to stay in a committed, honest relationship and repair are two different things.
It really comes down to this.... what happens the next time he wants to get high? What happens the next time OW1, OW2 or someone new comes back or into his life? What has changed for him to do the right thing when those situations arise?
I am no IC or MC, but it sounds like your H needs to determine why he has made the bad choices that he has and when the inevitable arises again - what would stop him from repeating his devastating past?
Cal - I heard my H say he wanted me back numerous times and every time I would ask him, "What has changed now?" And every time he would tell me that he really meant it "this time." What I didn't see till much later was that he really did want to come back, but he just didn't know how to stay on the straight and narrow. Without the tools to help him do that, partially being self discovery and maybe partially being IC, he was bound to falter and... he did time and time again.
Hugs,
Coral
"A discovery is said to be an accident meeting a prepared mind."
First of all, Cal, congratulations on staying strong and aware.
Had IC conversation that was somewhat relevant. I am upset because my son's girlfriend dumped him - she is a great young woman but wants to spread her wings a bit. Totally honorable in how she handled it and my son's response was also dignified and demonstrated a lot of self respect. Anyway, it made me particularly sad because I had found (during my searches for evidence of H's infidelities) some love letters in which they professed undying love for eachother, talked about getting married, having babies, being together forever -all the things that young
lovers tell eachother.
It just made me realize how words really mean nothing. I know that the words of a 50+ man are hopefully different than those of a 19 year old but the lesson I have learned is that all you can really trust is behavior. Today, I am not even ready to trust future behavior but I do trust H today because of how he is behaving. I don't want new vows. I no longer want to be assured every day that he will not cheat again. All words. And so many of those old expressions are true - words are cheap.
Your H needs to back up his words with behavior. You know that. Now, he needs to learn that.
Tom said that he believes that your WH is telling the truth about wanting you back. I believe the same, yeah, he wants you back TO CONTINUE TO BE HIS DOORMAT. I don't believe that he wants you back to be his WIFE, he misses having you around to use and abuse. It can get lonely when there is no Cal to boss around, intimidate, use, and string along. Gosh, does this mean that he has to get his head out of his a$$???? Stand firm, Cal, and don't let those crocodile tears fool you. You've come soooooooo far since this all began, don't let it come crumbling down. If he wants to beg, good, let him. If he wants to grovel, good, let him. If he wants to change, good, LET HIM PROVE IT!!! The fact that he is "thinking" of giving up OW2, well that just doesn't sound like to me that he is really all that sincere.
Stand firm on your course of action. IF he changes after the divorce goes through, THEN maybe he will be able to court and date you again (IF you allow him). IF you decide to try again, then maybe he will be different but HE is going to have to PROVE to you that things will be DIFFERENT THIS TIME AROUND. Don't fall for the "poor me" routine, he dug his grave, he has to lie in it.
I do not plan on giving in to him. I am not caving. Unless he can prove himself, I don't want him back. I told him last night to just leave me a lone...I have a lot of thinking to do. Regardless of how I feel or what I decide to do, I still feel filing for divorce is the best thing for me.
WH called already this evening to talk to the kids...my daughter handed me the phone thinking he wanted to talk to me. He didnt even say hello, just said let me speak to our daughter. He was rather snippy with me about it. He is probably angry cause I didn't welcome him with open arms and let him come back home. Too bad for him! Even if he did give up OW and decide he wants us, that doesn mean things will "magically" be OK. I don't think he gets that. I don't think he realises how much work would truly be involved and how much he would have to change. I don't think he wants "us" bad enough to go through all of that.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
This message has been edited by SoCalGal on May 16, 2008 5:22 PM
Dearest Carol, my heart goes out to you. I don't remember if I haver shared this in the past or not, but even so..........
About 12 years ago my H had his "1st" affair, or at least first that I knew of. We went through 6 months of lying and continued cheating until I had had enough. He brought the OW into our home and our bed while I was away for a long weekend with the kids visiting my dying grandfather. I was done, mentally out the door and walking down the street. After I confronted him he once again told me that he had ended it with her and he wanted his wife and family back. I gave him the option of getting the divorce using attorneys or mediation and he chose mediation. At the first mediation appointment he pled with me and told the mediator that he did not want to divorce, that he finally realized what he was about to lose and wanted to stay with me, yada, yada, yada. The mediator had previously done MC and offered to talk to us both individiually to determine if she thought the M could be saved. She did and she and he talked me into backing off the D path and entering MC again. We had our ups and downs as we worked on the M in MC. I remember telling the MC that I knew he wanted his wife and family back but that all I needed and wanted to hear was that he loved ME and wanted ME back. She told me that would come with time as he got himself sorted out, etc.
What I realize now is that working on the M mainly consisted of me bending to meet his wants and needs to make him happy, to make him feel loved, to make him feel wanted and needed. He did not work on his issues and never really worked on what enabled him to cross the line into infidelity in the first place.
We had what I thought were a good ten years in between, and then his stint in Aus and the "2nd" A.
When I confronted him about the 2nd A I made my expectations perfectly clear. I asked him 2 questions and told him what he need to do if the answers to those questions were yes.
Do you love me?
Do you want to remain married to me?
If you do you need to do IC and get your head sorted out before we even consider entering into MC to determine if the M can be saved this time.
One of the things that drove me to the decision to D is when he said he didn't know if he had it in him to do the work to save the M this time around. This after months of continuing the A and finding every conceivable excuse as to why he had not started IC in Aus.
Be careful about what he professes and be very clear as to what your expectations of him are. Hold his feet to the fire and make him meet those expectations before you enter into reconciliation mode. He has been lying and cheating for so long that he probably does not even know what he wants. He is probably only seeing what he is losing, or has lost already.
BTW, even after MC after the 1st A, I can not ever remembering him telling me that he loved me and wanted me back, but he has said numerous times that he wanted to come back because he realized what he was losing. Not entirely the same thing, but I settled and now I regret settling.
((((Carol)))) be proud, be strong, and love yourself enough to do both! I wish I had back then, but am doing it now!
“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”
This message has been edited by CatTind on May 16, 2008 6:28 PM
