My husband moved out yesterday. He spent the rest of the afternoon with his secretary at his new loft downtown. I don't really know how I feel at the moment. I'm hurting some right now, but to be honest, I'm kind of relieved he's gone. I worry that I am not letting myself feel my feelings because yesterday, I was pretty excited after he left. For all of you who have followed my story, you know this has gone on forever. He would leave, then stay, then tell me he wasn't sure he wanted to stay, then he would tell me he was leaving, then he would tell me he was staying. Looking over my posts here, this has gone on since 2005. I'm surprised I've stayed through all this. I think I would stay through just about anything. In fact, I begged him to stay, cried, tried to convince him, and all the crap you do when you feel those are your last pleadings to save your marriage. I love him, and I guess I would have tried to work things out had he wanted to. I believe he did the best he could, and frankly, it was so hard to live with him, that I am not sure his best would ever have been enough. Okay, that's a lie. I don't think he tried very hard at all now that I think about it. I think I'm just saying what I think I am supposed to be saying when these things happen. I know he didn't try except half heartedly, and infrequently.
The thing is that I don't really miss him. I'm a little scared and not very sure-footed right now. I feel like I am dangling out there in the wind, so to speak. But I don't miss him. I'm worried I am suppressing my feelings, and this will hit me hard later. I don't even care that he was with his secretary all day at his place. It kind of hurt my feelings, but more in a prideful way than a genuine way. I still have some urge to send him e-mails or call him, but more out of habit than out of honest desire. When I picture him in my mind, I don't even feel anything but detachment, and some concern for his well being, but not love, desire, longing, wistfulness or any of the things I used to feel.
Is this normal? I'm scared I am going to get hit by an emotional brick later. He called last night, and sounded like he was going to cry. I'm sure it's weird for him over there, but I think he will get used to it. I know he's probably already dating. (His secretary is married, and whatever he does with her, if anything, is not serious because he doesn't want a kid, and she has a four year old.) I didn't even know what to say to him. Have I fallen out of love with him? I'm so confused. I don't understand fully what I am going through right now. Any guidance? Thank you.
Also, I want you to know there is a weird element to this. I don't want to let go emotionally or have this emotional separation I am having. I want to keep loving him. I don't know why exactly. I'm afraid if I fall out of love, if I haven't already, there is no way of reconciliation. I need to get past this idea of reconciling. I don't know why. I believe in my heart we are going to be together. Isn't that weird?
My husband moved out yesterday. He spent the rest of the afternoon with his secretary at his new loft downtown. I don't really know how I feel at the moment. I'm hurting some right now, but to be honest, I'm kind of relieved he's gone. I worry that I am not letting myself feel my feelings because yesterday, I was pretty excited after he left. For all of you who have followed my story, you know this has gone on forever. He would leave, then stay, then tell me he wasn't sure he wanted to stay, then he would tell me he was leaving, then he would tell me he was staying. Looking over my posts here, this has gone on since 2005. I'm surprised I've stayed through all this. I think I would stay through just about anything. In fact, I begged him to stay, cried, tried to convince him, and all the crap you do when you feel those are your last pleadings to save your marriage. I love him, and I guess I would have tried to work things out had he wanted to. I believe he did the best he could, and frankly, it was so hard to live with him, that I am not sure his best would ever have been enough. Okay, that's a lie. I don't think he tried very hard at all now that I think about it. I think I'm just saying what I think I am supposed to be saying when these things happen. I know he didn't try except half heartedly, and infrequently.
The thing is that I don't really miss him. I'm a little scared and not very sure-footed right now. I feel like I am dangling out there in the wind, so to speak. But I don't miss him. I'm worried I am suppressing my feelings, and this will hit me hard later. I don't even care that he was with his secretary all day at his place. It kind of hurt my feelings, but more in a prideful way than a genuine way. I still have some urge to send him e-mails or call him, but more out of habit than out of honest desire. When I picture him in my mind, I don't even feel anything but detachment, and some concern for his well being, but not love, desire, longing, wistfulness or any of the things I used to feel.
Is this normal? I'm scared I am going to get hit by an emotional brick later. He called last night, and sounded like he was going to cry. I'm sure it's weird for him over there, but I think he will get used to it. I know he's probably already dating. (His secretary is married, and whatever he does with her, if anything, is not serious because he doesn't want a kid, and she has a four year old.) I didn't even know what to say to him. Have I fallen out of love with him? I'm so confused. I don't understand fully what I am going through right now. Any guidance? Thank you.
***Michelle,
Response to the first post and then the second. Yes, the feelings you are having are normal. Once I got over the initial shock of him leaving me and then the initial stage of rage of him leaving me, I felt at peace that I could handle my new life. Yes, it is scary and you can feel like you are dangling and uncertain how things are going to turn out but it will pass, though I will warn you that the feelings will ebb and flow over time. I know after my divorce was final in Nov., I was relieved, happy, ecstatic. However, a few weeks later (Dec. 10), I had a meltdown because that would have been my anniversary. It will hit you hard sometime, maybe when you realize an important date or memory will come up but you can survive this and become stronger.
Also, I want you to know there is a weird element to this. I don't want to let go emotionally or have this emotional separation I am having. I want to keep loving him. I don't know why exactly. I'm afraid if I fall out of love, if I haven't already, there is no way of reconciliation. I need to get past this idea of reconciling. I don't know why. I believe in my heart we are going to be together. Isn't that weird? Let your feelings flow and not try to affect them in any way. It will allow you to move on quicker if you let them come at will.
As for him dating already, well, let him date. I know that ex did the same and his first relationship post leaving ended up failing. His new fiancee will find out after they are married that he isn't the charming SOB that he pretends to be. Your ex's new dates will see what you have seen over the years. Some women will be naive to believe that he wouldn't do the horrible things that his wife claims he has done (this is a tongue in cheek joke) but over time, they will. Take care of you and let him slip into his fantasy world.
As for your second post about still in love with him and the feeling that you will still be together. I think that part of that is the hope that you may still hold, that he may come around to his senses and realize that he is going to lose you if he doesn't change. Whether this is reality or not, I'm not in a position to say, only you will know if he can change. However, from what I have read of your story, I think that that ship has sailed and sunk. I think you may be only setting yourself up for more heartache if you continue to hold onto that thought. I hope I don't sound harsh because I don't mean to but I just don't seeing your ex turning around. I hope that I'm wrong but again, only you know your husband better than anyone here.
Michelle, everything you're feeling is perfectly normal. There are many stages of grief and you will likely go through them, sometimes more than once. For now you feel relief because you have taken yourself off the rollercoaster ride.
My emotions were all over the place when my exH left. Sometimes I loved him still, sometimes I hated him. Remember, the opposite of love isn't hate its indifference. If you feel that it could just be your body's way of shutting down to cope or it could be you've actually reached a point where enough is enough and the love just isn't there. Either way you're going to be just fine.
Let the emotions, whatever they are, happen. Deal with them when they do and you will turn out just fine.
((((((((((((Michelle))))))))))))))....what you feel is normal. I have run the gamit myself, feeling so many different things...sometimes within days, or hours. It isn't easy and Im sorry you're going through this too.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
