I have been unhappily married for eight years an an abusive relationship. Two years ago I met another man and fell in love with him. I become really close to his two children. It was like I was having two lives. Just this Sunday he said he did not want to see me anymore because he could not take me living with my husband anymore. I really love this guy. I just can not leave my current husbad because I do not work and have four kids. My husband makes good money. During the two years I was with my boyfriend, I helped him by paying his bills, buying his groceries, buying his kids clothes and Christmas, and paying everytime we went out to eat. I also bought him a PS3, laptop, leather pc chair,filled his car with gas,bought him season Carrowind tickets and... I am not sure why did all of this. I just love him. Anyway now that he does not want to be with me , my husband has left and the boyfriend says he is interested in someone else. I really don't believe that. I am hurting so bad right now. I miss him so.
This post was moved to the Open board to conform with forum policies prohibiting discussion of your own affair on the Healing board. - TomJ
Welcome to the site. I hope that you find what you need here.
When you say "I miss him", do you mean your husband, or the OM? It seems like you mean the OM. Also, did your husband leave because of the affair, or because of another reason?
I'm sorry that he abused you. That should not have happened to you, and it was wrong. Abuse that harms another person physically or emotionally is wrong, wrong, wrong. There's an article in our helpful links about the link between emotional abuse and infidelity. You might find it helpful to read it.
Personally, regardless of the situation with your husband, I believe that you should end the relationship with the OM. Since he has told you he's interested in a new relationship, take that as a signal that this relationship needs to end now. It's possible that he was only interested in you for the benefits of dating a married woman, part of which is that there were no financial responsibilities (since your husband was taking care of that). Now that you are separated from your husband, he could be seeing that on the horizon, coupled with all the additional complexities that go with your present situation. Of course, I can't know for certain the motivation for the OM and these are only guesses.
Once you are able to emotionally distance yourself from that relationship then you will be able to see it more objectively.
Welcome to HH. I am a WS(or FWS, whichever one wants to call me). Having been in your shoes three years ago, I would say that you NEED to stop talking to your OM. Obviously, he has shown what he is truly like and I can't believe that you would want to continue being "in love" with someone who can callously toss you aside when he realizes that his bread isn't going to get buttered. I think you need to have a heart-to-heart talk with your spouse (and I'm sorry that he has been abusive) and apologize. I think, under the circumstances, that you would be better off without either one. Before you get upset, let me say that I am in your shoes. I have four children, one who has autism. My ex left us last year (not because of my affair but because of other issues). I filed for divorce in May and it was final in November. I have been a stay-at-home mom for my entire adult life, never working and never finishing my degree. I have no work experience to fall upon or an education to help assist me in a better job. I found a job working as a Home Health Aide but I just quit this week because my employer couldn't keep me employed with sufficient hours to live on. I do receive a hefty sum in child support as well as a generous amount in spousal support. I do intend to get a better job when my children return to school (which they just got out yesterday). I'm saying this because even though you are a SAHM, you CAN get out and get a job and work. Yes, you have four children, and yes, it IS going to be very difficult. HOWEVER, there are many, many SAHMs here on HH who have gone and gotten jobs, gone back to school, graduated, etc. I know for myself, low self-esteem plus taking care of four children made me feel worthless. I enjoy working out in the adult world and IF I ever remarry and have another baby, I would go back to work as soon as possible. I didn't realize what a wonderful boost working outside the home did for my self-esteem.
I don't know if you or your husband want to salvage your marriage, however, it will take a lot of work, on your part to show remorse for your affair and on his part, for his abuse (whether it be physical, mental, verbal, etc). HE needs to seek counseling and help for his issues, whatever they may be. He has NO right to abuse you, regardless of what you have done. YOU are a human being and deserve to be treated as such. IF he cannot respect you as his wife and partner, then in my opinion, there is nothing for you to work on. Divorce would be much safer and healthier for all parties involved (you, him and the children). I know it isn't desirable and what you may want but please tread carefully with this. I have read many of our members' stories where they have been in an abusive relationship and have to get out quickly because their husband/boyfriend have threatened their lives or their children. PLEASE don't become one of the statistics. NO MAN is worth possibly ending up maimed or dead.
Anyway, this is a great place with wonderful people, both BS and FWS, and we are all here to help and sometimes admonish you for your actions. Please know that what is said is said to help you get out of the "fog" as you are still in it from what I gather. Everyone comes out of it in their own time but understand that there isn't any help, advice or sympathy that can come until you acknowledge and own up to your actions and stop them. Trust me, when I first came here three years ago, I had the ole 2x4 used on me a few times. I was angry and hurt when some members used it on me but after I came out of my fog, I realized that they did it because they cared. They wanted me to see the light quicker so that I could begin healing myself, my marriage and help my ex heal. Again, my divorce was not the result of my affair, as some BS will tell you their divorce is, but I'm sure that my affair was the straw that broke the camel's back and contributed to the quicker demise. My ex and I had been having marital problems for YEARS and so, this was only the last straw.
I hope you continue to come here and read and post and listen to the wisdom of many of our members who have been here for years. It will be hard, it will be ugly but it can be worth it if you persevere and we have members who are success stories, FWS who have made their marriage suceed.
As a BS it is hard for me to respond to your post. But I must ask you how you feel about yourself. Do you see yourself as a person worthy and deserving of love and respect? Did you feel you needed to buy your BF gifts and provide financial support to him in order to feel worthy of his affection? Has your H emotionally abused you to the point that you feel you are unworthy of love and affection?
My H, while on the surface appeared to be supportive and loving, undermined me in very subtle, insidious ways. My self esteem and self worth hit sub-basement levels after years and years of having his love and affection withheld every time he didn't get his "way", whether it was me disagreeing with him on a point, not going somewhere or doing something he wanted to do, or not being "in the mood". Anytime he did not get his way he would sulk and pout until I caved into his needs. I ALWAYS came in second (sometime 3rd, 4th, or 5th) place with whatever anyone else wanted or needed, be it the kids, his parents, his sister, his friends, his job, etc. To the end I was willing to do damn near anything to make him happy.
Fortunately for me I found a great psychiatrist who has helped me see myself clearly, warts and all, and I have discovered that I am worthy of being loved and cherished. That I DESERVE to be loved and respected. That I am just as important to myself as anyone else in my life. But the most important lesson I learned is that I cannot expect anyone to love and respect me more than I love and respect myself.
My point through all the above ramblings is that mayhaps now is the time for you to take a step back a really examine yourself under a microscope. Now is the time to address your issues and learn to love yourself. Because until you can deal with your issues and truly love yourself you will forever find yourself playing the role of victim and martyr. As a human being, you deserve better for yourself.
“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”
