Hi guys,
I know it has been awhile, but I need to talk.

As always, I am going to aske that those who do not know me or my story don't post. This is not to offend anyone else, but to prevent me from going insane!!!!

So this message is for ami, el, lisa, fairy friend, my long time friends here.


I am having a really emotional day/week. My husband doesn't understand b/c to him everything should have ended the day that he told me he didn't feel like he cheated on me, but he felt like he was raped. It doesn't go away for me and he doesn't understand. I am still so MAD. I should not have had to deal with this and if what he is saying is true then I REALLY should not have had to deal with this b/c he should have told me to prevent me from going through all of this. He says that he didn't tell me when it happened b/c he wanted to protect me from thinking all of the things that I have now been forced to think about. He knows that I sit around and dwell on things and he says he didn't want to put that on me so he tried dealing with it himself. Then he says when the doctor called to inform me of the STD he hadn't dealt with it himself and had suppressed it so far that he was unable to tell me therefore leading me to think what anyone in my situation would think. He also says that he was confused and upset himself b/c he didn't realize that he could get an STD that quickly b/c he says that he literally froze for a second b/c of the shock that he was feeling he realized she had his pants undone and was trying to sit down on "it" and he shoved her off.

I am not sure why I shared that except to say that had he just told me that night I would not have had to deal with PTSS or any of the shock and drama that came along with finding out from the doctor.

My H as I have said before did not have affair behaviors. He was always with us, never late, always called at lunch, break, etc. There was no reason to suspect anything so everything came out of nowhere for me. This supports his story of sexual assualt along with the fact that he was having the headaches which could indicate that he had experienced trauma.

The problem that I am having is changing my thinking. It's not that I don't believe him most of the time, but it is hard when everything you hear is about affairs. The songs on the radio, the t.v. shows, movies, etc. I don't ever see anything showing a man getting sexually assaulted by a woman if you know what I mean.

He swears that he is going to find me "proof" that he did nothing wrong and then it will be over. However, I am afraid that it will never be over b/c unfortunately he is still changed in my eyes b/c he kept something from me which I never thought he could do and he disappointed me b/c he didn't protect me from going through hell. He gets really upset and cries when I say this b/c he believes that he did nothing wrong and he says that if I were raped I would not want him to look at me or our marriage differently b/c of something that someone else did to me against my will.

Sometimes I think it would just be easier to end my marriage b/c I still feel so stressed about this all the time. I swear I have aged 5 years in my face.

This also makes me mad b/c I feel like no matter what I do I cannot ever have the life and marriage that I wanted. If we divorce and I marry someone else this is not what I wanted b/c I have wanted to be married to him since I was 16. It is also not what I want for my children b/c I don't want them to have their mom and dad living in seperate houses. However, my marriage stopped being what I wanted the day that the doctor called so I feel that my situation is lose-lose.

Also my H keeps talking about having another baby. We have always said that we wanted at least three children and my youngest is now 2 1/2. Also a source of anger for me b/c I know that had this not happened I would already be pregnant again and I don't know that I will ever be emotionally ready again. Especially since all of this happened when I was pregnant the last time so in some warped way I think that if I hadn't been pregnant.......

My H continues to be wonderful. He still cleans the house, helps with the kids, takes care of me, etc. He did all this before as well. I am just still so confused and I still get really stressed out around friends that don't know b/c I feel like I am lying. I feel that I am presenting this family that doesn't exist. EVERYONE loves my husband. Sometimes I catch myself resenting this and thinking "they wouldn't think he was so great if they knew what I had been through" He gets really upset b/c he says that what i went through is not HIS fault, but a result of something bad that happened to him.

I am sorry that this is so long, but i am having a really crappy day and needed to vent and get some advice from my friends here.

Thanks in advance for your wonderful advice.

((((Lovemysons)))

I wish I had the time to post more, but I just wanted to let you know that I have read your post, I hear you, and I do understand why you feel the way you do. Honey, you are way too hard on yourself. Take time and be kind to you. I know it feels like your life is completely ruined with no hope of getting better, but it can and will in time with a lot of hard work get better.

I will try and find some time later to post more.

((((HUGS)))

Ami

LoveMySons,

I remember your story very clearly. I'm sorry that he has given you a hard time, you are trying to deal with all this information as best as you can.

You stated: "I don't ever see anything showing a man getting sexually assaulted by a woman if you know what I mean." I realize that society doesn't tend to portray men being violated by women, but please believe me when I say that it DOES happen. I am in counseling now because four weeks ago, I was sexually assaulted and almost raped by a friend. He didn't respect my "no" and tried to rape me anyways. Through counseling I have learned that men DO get violated, but they deal with the violation a lot differently than women. Men tend to not want to talk about it because it is hard for them to believe that a little woman could overpower them and rape them. I'm not defending your husband, as he is the ONLY one who knows what happened, but just trying to give you his mindset. Just like me, he says he was paralyzed. I know when the assault began, I was shell-shocked, I thought that this wasn't happening because I had said no, repeatedly, and I thought my so-called friend would respect that. Not only that, but he had a girlfriend that he proclaimed to be sooooo in love with and he knew I had a boyfriend that I really cared about. Yes, most cases of rape/sexual assault are perpetrated by the man but there are cases (though I don't think anyone really knows how many due to the lack of reports by men).

I hope that he will be more understanding of your skepticism, as I know he thinks it should be done and over with as well as trying to prove to you that he wasn't at fault.

I wish you well with your healing and sorry that you're still hurting.

Take care,

DH

I too remember your story well. However I am not going to make any sort of comment or give advice since you specifically asked only certain indivduals respond. I just wanted to send ((((((hugs))))).

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

It is not that he is giving me a "hard time" per say, just that to him it is over and everything between us should be the same. I don't really know how to explain it. To him nothing changed, he still loves me the same, sees me the same, views our marriage the same, etc. He just doesn't understand that it is not so cut and dry for me. It's not that I don't understand why he wouldn't want to talk about it.....but b/c he didn't want to (or couldn't) talk about it I had to suffer.

Ami said that it can and will get better with work. I am angry that my life is now "work" when it used to be so relaxed and enjoyable. I am also mad that I may end up depriving myself and my family of another child that I have always so desperately wanted.

SoCalgal- I remember you as well and you are welcome to post. Thanks for the hugs.

I hate this!! People are always telling me how wonderful my husband is . They are like, "I wish my husband would help me do this that or the other.." I used to feel like I really had the BEST husband in the world and I truly felt like we were 50/50 with everything. What happened changed the way that I view things and that SUCKS. Especially if he was not at fault b/c then he really would still be the same person that I married.. you know.........

We are going on a Disney Cruise this summer and I just wish that this could all be over before we go so I could just relax and have fun! I just want my kids to have the previous version of me b/c she was so much more fun.

I didn't post this earlier, but this is something that continues to bother me. I have VERY strong beliefs about marriage that I am sure most of you share. I have trouble with the fact that I didn't leave when I thought he had cheated on me. I think that I would feel better about myself if I had left and come back after he told me that he was sexually assaulted b/c that changes the scenario. I just feel like I was trying to give up some of who I was and what I believed in.

DH,

If you don't want to talk about it I understand, but I would be interested in more insight. Maybe you could help me understand where he was coming from.

Lovemysons,

I am so sorry you are hurting so much. I can see both your and your H's points of view. The biggest mistake he made was not telling you IMMEDIATELY what had happened. TOGETHER you could have faced the issue and dealt with it. Perhaps you are so angry because you feel that he shut you out, and shutting you out when he did made you suspicious of whether he was telling the truth or lying.

If he told you what had happened, togther you could have discussed going to the authorities, going to the doctor to be checked for STDS, etc. You feel left out and lied to by the man who you believed would never lie to you. Perhaps that is what the biggest hurt is here--your feeling that he didn't trust you enough or believe enough that you love him and want to be his partner through good AND bad times. Certainly, this experience has been one of those bad times.

I think sometimes people (read husbands here! LOL) wrongly believe that they need to protect the women in their lives. They act the way they think the proverbial knight in shining armor would act. Of course, we know we resent that kind of kid glove treatment because it makes us feel like second-class citizens who aren't being given the chance to make our own decisions. Should your H have told you instead of trying to protect you? Yes, but he didn't, and he didn't because he was misguidedly trying to protect you.

My therapist told me not to project my opinions on my H. If my H told me he thought a certain way, my interpretation of what he thought or why he thought it was strictly that--my interpretation. I needed to listen to what my H said he was thinking and accept it. Likewise, listening to your H and accepting that when he tells you he was thinking X, then he was thinking X, not Y or Z, X. It doesn't mean that we will appreciate or like what H is thinking, simply that we need to accept what H says at face value and not believe it means anything other that what he says. That can be quite challenging, but in the long run, it helps. I know from experience.

If you are not now in IC, I strongly urge you to go for yourself, your family, and for your marriage. You are in so much pain and you are tired of hurting.

I believe your marriage and you CAN heal. It starts by understanding and accepting and getting help when you are stuck.

Huge healing and gentle fairy hugs,

fairyfriend

No time to write, will write in a day or two just want to send loving hugs and you will make it. This is a place of healing and we will hold your hand for as long as you need us.

Love,
El

Just sending you big (((((H 's))))

Just venting sometimes helps..

We are here for you.

Pat








"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."

I will say that he should have told you about the texts and phone calls. He was remiss in that by not letting you know when it first happened. I know he wanted to spare you but I understand that the littlest of lies is hurtful to your healing.

DH

My bad on the text and phone call statement. I was thinking of another member who wrote about that their husband hid those from her while writing this.

LMS,

I'm sorry you are still hurting so much over this. I wish somehow this board could take all that hurt away from you.

Do you feel you H was possibly not raped or is the issue that he didn't confide in you? Are you still in counseling.

Men do get assaulted. Your correct in that it is not often portrayed on TV or movies, but yes it does happen. Society as a whole has difficulty with this because a man can't be raped if he's not aroused. Is that partly the issue, how could she be trying to sit on "it", if he was not aroused. If this is the issue a counselor familiar with male rape victims might be someone for you to talk to to discuss the physiological (sp) aspects of it.

I think your H probably never really processed what happened to him until he was forced to face it. When it happened, he was probably think "Thank God I got that crazy b*tch away from me". Thought that would be the end of it, until the call from the Dr. At that point he may still not have been thinking it was rape, but more that he had a weak moment and was thankful that he stoppped her before anything more had happened. Then after thinking about it for awhile he realized he didn't invite this girl into his truck, he did not make a move on her and he pushed her off him. There was no action by him only a negative reaction to her advances.

Men don't usually want to discuss their feelings and emotions, like women do. They process things differently.

I hope you are still in some type of counseling. You marriage is changed and you need to accept that. Not because H was assaulted but because of how you feel about it. But that does not mean you marriage is over. In my opinion the worst thing that you H did was not confide in you immediately. But through counseling and better communication this incident could bring you closer together.

I wish you all the best.

Lisa

This is a link to a very informative online brochure about male sexual assault. As I read it, I felt it so closely followed everything you have shared with us here. Perhaps this can give you some answers or understanding as well.



http://www.utexas.edu/student/cmhc/booklets/maleassault/menassault.html#anchor955175

Ugh.

As usual you guys are great!
Many of you asked if I was seeing an IC. The answer is not right now. The reason is becuase I just found myself fighting with the counselor that I had and that didn't seem productive b/c I would come out more angry than I was even when I went in.

Someone mentioned that my H should have mentioned texts and phone calls??? I don't know what you are talking about there. There were no texts or phone calls. She just showed up in his truck that night.

It was also mentioned that he was probably glad that he got her off before it got any farther, etc. and then put it behind him. That is exactly what he has said. He says that in his mind after he stopped freaking out about, "Why is she doing this? If I hit her will I go to jail? What would my wife be thinking? What if she tries to turn this around on me and I lose my job, etc.?" That he pushed her away thinking, "Thank god I got her off of me before anything happened. He says that to him it was nothing. And I also think Lisa was right about it still not being clear to him. He has actually told me that it wasn't until after going to counseling and the counselor telling him that she could tell that he was holding something back about that night that he felt he could say "rape." Which as I have said before put a huge smile on her face and she said, "That's it, that's the missing piece."

As usual AMI your words are wonderful and helpful. I agree with ALMOST everything you said and your words always help me feel better. I do disagree with one thing however. You said that old marriage is over and we have to start a new one. Maybe I am wrong here but I kind of disagree with that and I have mentioned that people have said this to my husband before and he becomes very upset. I am going through the emotions of a BS, however if he is telling the truth I am technically not a BS. Am I hurt, obviously or I wouldn't have break downs etc. Do I think he should have come right home and told me OF COURSE! However, if it went down the way that he said it did and remembering how sick he was for a whole year (they started to think brain tumor or menangitis) telling me really may not have been an option. Maybe it was too much for him to deal with therefore causing him to try to supress it and causing the headaches. I only put my rings back on after he told me how he felt that night in the truck because had he cheated he would have broken our marriage vows, but if it happened the way that he said no vows were broken, therefore it would not even be fair of me to look at it that way. There is no vow or rule that tells you how to deal with your spouse if you are the victim of a sexual assault. If I were raped, assaulted, whatever you want to call it then I broke no vows and I don't know how I would handle something like that either. And you all may think this is wrong or I am dilusional or whatever, but that is one of the things that keeps me going that if he is telling me the truth my marriage vows are still in tact and I DON'T have to throw away the existing marriage. Is it different? How could it not be some different....but I hope to eventually not feel like I went through this b/c of him, but b/c of what happened to him and those are two totally different things. Feel free to yell at me for thinking this way ha, ha, It's just that I may be the only person on this sight that doesn't have to throw away the marriage, you know? Please don't think that I think that makes me better or something (sometimes I worry about typing b/c it is hard to figure out what you are thinking or feeling.) I am just saying that it is a different scenario.. not better..not worse... just different.

My mother recently told me that she was assaulted once and that it was very close to her being raped. She also said that it was someone she knew. I am the ONLY person that she has EVER told and she was only telling me to give me some insight on what my H felt. She didn't want anyone to know EVER. Not her parents, friends, husband, anyone......

He swears that he is going to find absolute proof so I can put this all behind me and stop worrying all the time. I don't know how he is going to do this, but I have told him that I will give him the time to do so. He has mentioned lie detector tests and some other things, I don't know what he has planned really but whatever I guess we'll see.

Lisa,

I missed your posting until just now, but it was very helpful and kind. Thank you.

It's not that I don't think he was raped or that he is lying. I know that you guys don't know my husband so you couldn't know or understand him, but he truly is the most innocent and niave person that you would ever meet. This is why this scenario for him doesn't seem impossible or unlikely.

I am obviously hurt that he didn't confide in me....

Also, it is still hard to wrap your head around a man attacked by a woman even when you know the man .... you know what I mean. Maybe if I were a women that would attack a man or push myself on him I could see it, but I can't imagine ever being that bold... therefore it is hard for me to imagine it. Now that is not to say that I havn't met women like that, but like I said before it is just not shown that often (ever) which doesn't give me that visual imagery that I need. As far as the arousal thing..... having two little boys helps in that area b/c I know that all that thing needs is contact from anything or anyone and it is at attention if you know what I'm saying!!!! haha Grown men are the same, it only needs something to touch it which doesnt' necessarily mean that you are enjoying it b/c it is a physiological response... not necessarily an emotional one. Although I have read that it can happen when you are nervous or afraid too.... who knows....

Anyway, thanks for the advice and the post.

I think I have had too many irons in my fire right now too! I just finished my second masters degree which was pretty hard this semester, teaching full time, taking care of the boys, painting my house, etc, etc. Maybe I was under a little too much stress and that helped push me to the edge.

Thank goodness things are slowing down....

Many people have mentioned this and I have thought of it myself.

I would love to talk to someone familiar with male rape victims. A couselor that has helped someone through it or whatever.

Where or how would I find one???

LMS,

I know you had asked me to speak on my recent trauma, so here goes.

When my friend assaulted me and tried to rape me, I froze up. I was paralyzed, my mind was racing, thinking, "This isn't happening to me." I have taken a self-defense class and the instructor told us women how to respond to an attack. HOWEVER, he didn't mention on how to react to someone you know attacking you. My counselor told me the first week of our sessions, that MAJORITY of sexual assaults/rape occur by PEOPLE YOU KNOW. It is done by someone you trust, someone you know, someone you would NEVER think capable of that act. So, for me to have froze up, it was a natural reaction. My counselor also told me that my fear of repercussions (how he would react if I fought back) was also natural, as I didn't believe he was capable of assault/rape, then I didn't know what he would be capable of if I hit, bit, scratched, kicked him. She told me that the BEST course of action was the one I took, was to survive it. After it was all over, he "apologized" and laughed it off, as if we were going to still be friends. I was shook up, I was frightened of him and when he came to give me a hug, I put my hands up to fend him off. He THEN realized that I was truly frightened of him. I had begged him to stop, not to do this and he begged me to NOT make him stop, to allow him to violate me. I was shell-shocked and frankly don't know how I managed to drive 10 miles to my boyfriend's office. All I know is that my brain was on automatic. I don't remember seeing what was around me, only looking through tunnel vision. When I got to my boyfriend's office, he was pacing back and forth, very worried. When I saw him, I threw myself into his body and hugged him tightly. He had to drag me outside (for some privacy) for me to tell him what happened. I now cannot stand men touching me (only my boyfriend, my dad and my sons). If a man comes near me, I start panicking and back away. I don't like to be in a room without anyone there if a man is going to be present. I was paralyzed in whether or not to report him to the police, and it took me 48 hours to do so (with some persuasion from my boyfriend and many members here).

From what I remember, the woman was a co-worker of your husband's? I remember you saying that he had gotten into his truck (whether to go home or for a break, I can't remember) and then she jumps in. He is startled by her appearance, asks her to leave and then she starts fondling him and unzipping his pants? I know the fear and paralysis that set in his brain. His number one thought was probably, "This isn't happening to me." The second thought was probably, "What can I do to get her off me and avoid having her turn this against me as attempted rape?". Only you know your husband, and from what you have written, he hasn't given you reason to believe he was cheating. I do know from experience that you can do nothing and then begin to second guess your actions/or lack thereof. I know he was probably worried about striking her, for she may fight back, or file an assault report against him. Being co-workers, she could have reported him to the boss and he could have been fired. I am sure that he was concerned about you and what you would think, would you think he invited it? would you think he enjoyed it? You stated that you have two boys, so you know the male response. After much discussion with my ex-husband on this subject, I realize that men who are put into these situations are not necessarily "aroused" mentally or emotionally or psychologically but physiologically. They just can't help it. My counselor gave me a book on rape recovery and there is one chapter that deals with a person's sexual response to assault/rape. One of the therapy sessions I did involved why I thought it was my fault and then to write down counterpoints on why it WASN'T my fault. One of the examples given was that, "I had an orgasm, so that must mean I wanted it." The counter response to that would be, "It wasn't my fault because my body responded the way it was suppose to naturally respond."

Again, my counselor stated that men react differently to assault/rape than women, mainly because it is hard for society to comprehend that a man can be raped. After all, men are stronger, bigger, and weigh more than a woman, so how can he possibly be "raped"? he must have wanted it. That is false thinking and society's views need to be changed. I know you don't feel like you are a BS necessarily, especially if he was violated, but I know Ami stated that your feelings are no less valid than one who had been betrayed. The only fault I find wrong with your husband is not telling you immediately. I understand that there was probably some shame there, but to wait so long to confess it to you, makes me wonder why. Surely he wouldn't think you would be unsympathetic to him if he had said that he was violated?

Anyway, sorry for this being so long, but I thought I would stick what happened to me out there.

Take care,

DH

Thank you,
That really does help as your feelings mirror what he says almost exactly. Once again validating him b/c I don't think you would know how to describe that unless you had been through it or if you were a counselor.

I have asked him why it took him so long to tell me and his answer is this. He thought that if he didn't talk about it acknowledge it that it would go away. He could pretend it didn't happen and then he could forget it. When the phone call from the doctor came (almost a year later) he had tried so long to forget it that he then couldn't say it. He says that it wasn't about ME or our marriage or relationship at all that he couldn't say it b/c he had never talked about it before and had tried so hard to forget it. Because he had never talked about it or dealt with it it was only then that he started having the feelings of what if it was my fault..etc. He said that he was ashamed and embarrassed and he felt that it would cause people to see him as "less of a man." Cheating isn't necessarily unmanly as many women expect that from men so it seemed that maybe it would be better if he let people draw their own conclusions instead of putting himself out there in a situation that he wasn't comfortable with.

Not that it really matters, but you said something about her getting into a truck. You remembered pretty clearly. He went inside to pay for gas and when he got back into his truck she was sitting in the passenger side.

Thanks again for the insight it really does help.

LMS,

You're welcome, I'm glad that my story can help you reconcile what your husband has been saying versus what you thought. Again, feelings of denial, shame, anger, guilt, etc. are all natural for a victim to have. I have gone through cycles of denial, shame, anger and guilt. I was trying to deny that a friend who I had thought I had known would ever do this to me. Afterall, I thought he would respect our friendship enough to NOT do something that heinous. I was ashamed and felt guilty because I didn't "fight" back but again, my counselor told me that I did what I had to do to survive and escape a worse fate. Finally, I have had rage against him, especially when I saw him in his taxi cab following me down the road one day (I don't think he realized I was ahead of him). I couldn't sleep that night because I was sooooo angry at what he did to me, at what he took from me. So, your husband's feelings are all NATURAL for someone who has experienced this trauma. I know as a WS, that I didn't have the same feelings as I do now, as a victim, when I was first confronted by my ex-husband.

As for me knowing/saying what he said and either experiencing it or being a counselor, I can tell you that I am NOT a counselor, and sadly I HAVE experienced it, though it fortunately didn't go as far as your husband's assault.

Take care of yourself and work through this together. I think from what you have said, that your husband is sincere/truthful in his statements, I know it is just hard for you to have to process. I do know that for him, talking about it with you is like reliving it for him. So, please be patient with him.

Take care,

DH

LMS, I can assure you that DH was MAJOR traumatized by the horrible experience. I am one of those people who urged her to go to the police and to get help. I KNOW how upset she was. I hope reading her story will be just what you needed to learn. I KNOW you and your H love each other. Don't let that awful woman come between you any longer!

And DH, I thought you were brave for going to the authorities and I think you were very brave for sharing your story with LMS.

HUGE fairy hugs to you both,

fairyfriend

As always I am glad you write. HOWEVER, I would really really appreciate if you keep us informed especially after so many people take the time and effort to write back to you. We really care here, and worry when we don't hear from you.

A couple of things I need to say that might upset you, but need to say them. First, you notice all the wonderful responses you get from people you have not corresponded with before. Some really powerful, insightful and loving help is here. So you might want to just ask for ideas cause you never know who might write just what you need. If someone upsets you, just ignore them. Sometimes you just have to take a chance....

My experience here is there is all sorts of advice from people who sometimes just read thinking they don't have much to offer, but then their posts turn out to be really helpful and valuable to us. We have all been beaten down pretty bad here. We need each other to heal and grow and listen.

I always wish more people would write, cause we gain so much from each other, even when the truth hurts to hear.

Now on to you...
you write

"I am still so MAD. I should not have had to deal with this and if what he is saying is true then I REALLY should not have had to deal with this b/c he should have told me to prevent me from going through all of this "

Love, it seems more and more you are believing what he says, but are hurting that he did not tell you immediately.
A lot of rape victims and I can not imagine a man, have trouble accepting what happened let alone telling anyone else. Look at DH's story. I think she gave you some really powerful insight and help.

Perhaps, you should volunteer at a rape crisis center and listen to the victim's words. Even if it is only for one night. I know you work full time and just got a second masters but... hearing stories from others is how I healed from my hell.


Then you talk about perhaps leaving your husband and that might end your nightmare. So would you be better off with or with out him? That was what helped me to decide what I wanted for my future. Don't think about your kids. Just look at the man in front of you. Is he the best person for you to spend the rest of your life with or not. What YOU are doing is not helping either one of you. Yes, he lied to you by not telling you everything, by not trusting you. However, this was not something he deliberately CHOSE to add to your lives. This cost him his sanity.

Is it still for you a question of whether or not he lied? I don't think so. I think it is the feeling that he betrayed you by not telling you the truth. You have to break this down to it's components and rate each one on whether or not it is enough to end a marraige. What you are doing is not working for either of you.

And finally Ami writing that you need to let go of your old marraige is wise advice. She is not saying end your old marraige, but that all of us had to let go what was to embrace what is, and look to the future.

The fairy tale marriage that I once had for 30 years ended on d day. BECAUSE my H lied to me and conived, and plotted how to have sex with other women without me knowing about it. He did NOT want to loose me, he just wanted extra.. he thought what I did not know would not hurt me. He was not an innocent victim.

Your H withheld from you cause he had no clue how to tell you or anyone else TILL HE HA D NO CHOICE. He was not spending years betraying you. He was doing everything right until one night HIS life was destroyed and he did not know how to deal with it

The RIGHT counselor is worth his/her weight in gold. How much is your marriage worth?

This is obviously not getting better by what you are doing.It IS time to seek really good help before you destroy you, your husband and your family.

What he did is in the past. What you choose to do is your future. Seek help so that you make intelligent decisions for the people you love.

You mention that you teach. What do you teach and how do your students learn? Are you a gifted teacher? What is it you do best? Tell me about how you learn? How can you incorporate all of your learnings to help YOU?

With love,
El

LMS,

I know what Ami is trying to relay across to you. Your marriage as it once was is no longer. You have to start anew (if you choose to stay with your husband). My counselor from last year (helping me with my affair, suicidal thoughts, depression, etc) made a good comment. She told me that whenever something changes in our lives (something traumatic) the "normal" is no longer valid. The "normal" gets changed and we have to learn to live with the new "normal". So, for me, being assaulted and almost raped is now my new "normal" to live with. Your husband's assault and rape is his new "normal" to live with. It isn't easy and some don't adjust quickly. So, the "normal" of your marriage prior to D-day is gone, the new "normal" is living with his revelation. You can build a stronger, more loving marriage, if that is what you want but you have to give up the notion of your marriage going to be the same, it isn't. The path you choose is up to you but if you start wrapping your mind around this fact, it will go much smoother for you, I think.

Take care,

DH

P.S. I am going to need to quit talking about this for a while. It has started bringing up unwanted memories and is causing me some problems again (eating, sleeping, nightmares, etc). I hope what I have had to say has helped, LMS. However, this is still fresh and painful, so I am going to end my part of the discussion here. I hope you understand.

Hi guys,
I can't type write now, but I wanted to let you know that I am still here. We had some bad storms and it knocked the cable out thus knocking the internet service out. At least we never lost power!!

I will try to write tonight. As usual you are all great.

LMS

El,
Thanks for writing. As usual it was great to hear from you.

I am sorry that I don't post here more often I lurk around a lot to see how you all are I just may not post.

I am an analytical thinker. I analyze everything until there is not possible another angle. Therefore sometimes when I come here someone will say something and i will then turn that into my situation even if it has nothing to do with it because it is not a situation that I have thought of before.

EL said that I had to figure out what I wanted, etc. I think she is right that I think I do believe my husband, but I am still hurt by him not telling me...even if he had told me when it came back up instead of letting me draw my own conclusionis. But there is nothing we can do about that now. Is that worth throwing my whole marriage away.....No, because he was an innocent victim. I just have to find a way to think this way all the time.

Not that you guys want to know this, but the day that I came here so stressed and upset is two days before I started my period. I have been diagnosed with severe hormone embalances that started when I was about 16. If I am not on the pill I get infections every month.. and I have that PMDD. I know I have to control that too and too know that my body is like that at that time of the month. The doctor just gave me different pills and medicine to control some of those symptoms so maybe I won't have to go crazy every month.

That day EVERY channel that I turned to on the TV was about affairs. And you all know how the news anchors and tv hosts are.. They are all like she is stupid if she stays with him... etc. I know that an affair is not even what I am dealing with but Then I start to think, "Is that how people look at me? I know what others think shouldn't even matter, but it does bother me with my friends and family."

Anyway enough rambling...

Oh EL you asked what i teach. I teach the little ones. Right now I am teaching preschool special needs.. I have taught kindergarten, third grade, and fifth grade. My specialties are in reading (k-12) and pre-k special needs.

I adopted a term for myself after one of our staff developments. I am an edutainer. This word fit me perfectly b/c I will do ANYTHING to trick the kids into learning. I will pretend to fall down, talk in character, make up ridiculous stories, sing, dance, etc. I LOVE my job!

LMS