I know I focus way too much on my WH....but something is different about him, and I am concerned. Last weekend WH took off from the business to go somewhere, I believe with OW. Yes, it hurts cause he rarely took off to be with me and the kids. But what's bothering me even more than he took off for OW is that he is becoming irresponsible now even when it concerns the business. Last night I found out he did not come back on Monday like I thought, after he called to apologise for not telling me he wasn't picking up the kids. No big deal, I thought we are closed on Mondays anyway. But he didn't even show up Tuesday to open up. Now that's odd behavior even for WH. One of our employees called my BIL to ask him to come open up because they couldnt get a hold of WH, nor did he show up to open. He wasn't answering his cell and hadn't been for days (he made some outgoing calls but wouldnt answer any incoming). My BIL did not tell me what happened...except he didn't wait around to see if or when WH showed up. Never, not once in the last 16 years has this man done something like this. Even last year when we went to the shore, he only closed for one day, everyone knew and we were sure to make it back the next day before opening...we had my BIL on standby just in case we were late so everything was taken care of. Something is not right here. This makes no sense. The business is his number one priority and always has been so I dont understand what is going on here.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Given the current status or your marriage and business partnership, what is your vested interest in this? I imagine that before these recent developments your interest and concern as based not only on the business aspects of this, but also just simply the relationship (husband, friend and father of your children). I mention ths because understanding your interest may help you formulate your reaction to it.
Cal, my feeling is to wonder if he is doing yet another version of his childish "I want attention" game. This does not mean that he does not need attention - My understanding is that you were probably the real driving force behind keeping the whole show on the road - By the nature of you and your relationship with H you may not realise this but I suspect it to be true. How do you respond now: How about seeing this without getting caught up too much and let those feelings run in you that want to jump in but.. don't do that. And, treat him like a grown up and, if you feel the need, express your businesslike concern.. But.. not get caught up in the old pattern of getting stuck in and sorting him out - He needs you and others to allow him space to grow up.. If others around him also give him that space (eg his mother) and if he takes that chance is another matter.
This is also MY business. I helped build this business. I have been there for the last 16 years (minus the last 3 months). My interest here is for my business...for the welfare of me and my children financially. Without the business we earn no money. The business is our bread and butter. If WH throws it down the tubes then what? Where will any of us be at that point? I doubt he will throw the business away...but he is being irresponsible with it...which is not like him. Maybe subconsciously he doesn't care and wants to lose it...I don't know. I am not even going to prentend to know what he is thinking or why he is doing the things he is...it is all illogical to me. But then again he is living in a fog (pot and A) and he has been willing to risk the business for his addiction for many years, although he claims otherwise. Says he is never going to get caught, so there is no risk...don't they all think that way? I mean really, who keeps illegal drugs at their own business yet feels they are not risking it?
My BIL's GF asked me if perhaps there are more drugs involved than Im aware of because no one suddenly starts acting that different if there are not stronger drugs involved. She works in an outpatient rehab...she is no expert she said but people dont just act like that out of the blue. Again , of course this would concern me cause we have children and if he is doing something stronger when he is with them he is putting them in danger. My BIL got involved with herion when he met a girl in college. She did it so he did it to be with her and fit in. So what's not to say that WH is doing something stronger cause maybe OW does...or some of his newfound party buddies are? So what was really going on at that cabin this weekend I wonder now? Before I didn't care and didn't ask. But I venture to guess it was party central!
Jerry,
I get what you are saying. I am not jumping in to save him. I have not said a word to him and I dont plan on saying anything, nor have I done anything. Whatever he is doing and whatever is going on, the consequences will be his. Unfortunately me and the kids may suffer financially for his lack of responsibility. Fair? Nope, but perhaps necessary. My WH has not been a very good husband or father but that was the one thing I could always say about my WH, he was a very hard worker and good provider. I hope this is just a one time thing and that it is nothing. But it could also be that he is on his way to hitting rock bottom.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Yes Cal. And I note the point you make about more stronger drugs. That is always one of the problems with so called soft drugs that they lead to other things. I feel your worry and concern and I can't help but still feel that your H is in the business of dragging you in one way or another - Just like difficult mixed up children, teenagers or adults - they all do things to get attention - to get help - I wonder if I do this too - I expect so even without noticing it - At the bottom of it all is a cry of "I need love" but knowing this does not really help - And, sometimes, it is best to be tough to be kind and give love - Tough love is the most difficult, especially when it means we are losing out ourselves in giving it.
It sounds like the drug issues are a possibity. New friends bring new behavors, and in the case of drugs, new ways of getting high. I agree that your interests are significant, especially in how it affects the income that you'll have access to.
I know that self-empoloyed people often try to minimize their income statements during a divorce in order to limit their exposure to child support and alimony payments. I have a friend who lives in your state and owns a construction business. He has also been the wayward spouse. During his divorce his wife had a lot of difficulty getting information to prove his income in divorce court. Only when he decided he wanted to be able to marry a woman he was dating did he finally relent and do what was needed to move the divorce along.
In addition, I believe that the OM from my wife affair has been doing the same thing as he has been going through divorce proceedings with his wife for about a year now. I believe he was even preparing for it in the time leading up to the filing.
If I were you I would document the situation in detail in a logbook. Document that BIL had to come in and help. Emotionally try to distance yourself from what your H may or may not be going through, but logically record it so that you can bring it up in court since it will affect child support and alimony.
Otherwise, since BIL came in and opened, the situation is taken care of and the business was open that day. It was handled. Is he into more drugs? Who knows, but unless you hire a PI again you'll probably not know. Does it matter? If he self-destructs he'll still be forced by the courts to take care of you and the kids, and maybe that will involve selling the business. You have enough experience you could get a different job.
What I'm getting at is, either he will self-destruct or he won't. Either he will carry on with OW or he won't. None of this matters to you anymore, or at least it shouldn't! I know you can't "turn it off" since he's been your life partner and father of your children all of this time, but I think you are kidding yourself when you say your concern is only about the business.
I don't mean this to sound harsh, Cal.
But you are still allowing him to emotionally run the show. Please try to distance yourself from that, for your own good, ok?
Cal, talk to your attorney about this ASAP. I am discovering that my H is doing some self destructive things and I don't think he realizes how destructive they are. Also he has pulled some things in the divorce that I wouldn't have thought him capable of. It would not surprise me that your H follows the same path mine has during the D. Protect yourself and keep your eyes open.
((((CAL)))))
“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”
I just want to say that I am sorry that you are going through all of this and I agree with the others about talking to an attorney.
I also want to say that unfortunatly I have seen a LOT of drug issues the last 5 years and it REALLY scares me for you. Just recently a woman that I have known since high school got into some heavy drugs. She was normally a great mother and a very responsible person. Everyone could see her in this downward spiral, but no one could stop it. All of the sudden her three kids stopped wanting to go to her house and they would get really emotional when it was her day to have them. Finally the school counselor talked to the oldest and he said that they didn't want to go b/c "Mommy has been locking them in a room and not letting them out." Drugs change people, so please be careful.
