How do you know for sure that you want to be together for the right reasons

I-chip,

I'm sure you really know the answer that nothing is life is a sure bet, except death and taxes.

But having said that, I believe for me it took a LOT of hard thinking and analyzing of WHO I am, WHAT I wanted, WHERE was it that I wanted my life to go....

and then, would that direction include my H?

It DID NOT include WHERE we've been. History is great; I taught it for many years. But I wouldn't be living in the past, only with a past. I had to truly think if that past was going to spoil our future, when so much of it had been great and memorable.

I can tell you this: for me, I felt it was never enough to move forward just because we have a past (35 years of M and 3 kids, etc.) I needed to be forward thinking.

Best of luck.

JJ

There are no certainties in life. Lots of people would prefer to stay with the devil they know than face the devil they don't. Dating is in no way easy and there are no guarantees that you will find any better of a spouse or BF/GF than the one you have. I've been single now for 5 years and I'm okay with that, most wouldn't be.

My thoughts are that if you have a spouse who is truly remorseful and willing to do the work to fix or repair the damage that they caused, then seperating may not be appropriate.

If the spouse isn't doing the work and thinks he/she can have their cake and eat it to....then you have a decision to make. Many factors are involved such as finances, kids, families, religion, beliefs, values etc etc.

It is never easy to make a decision to leave. Either way there is alot of hurt and pain. But keep in mind that whether you stay or go there is still alot of healing to do and it won't happen overnight. Just because you are free of the affair partner does not make you free of the affair. It will haunt you until you are able to deal with all of the ramifications properly.

There is a famous quote around here that I was told way back when...... "you know its time to leave when the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving"....something like that lol

If you are new at this and the betrayal is very recent it is natural to want to run away from the pain and the partner that caused you that much pain. Keep in mind that this stuff takes time to wade through. Dearpeggy.com has some valuable advice which you may wish to check out. Her site, as well as most affair recovery books i've read, suggest not making any major life decisions until at least 6-8 months has gone by. You need that time to absorb and then to really think about what it is you want.

Hope this helps
Kid

I believe in the spiritual dimension - I want to live with someone who will make me progress in understanding of that side of life - I want to grow in that way and I believe I will know from how I feel in that area of life.

may you be safe and well, contented and happy