Do you know I have to say I feel like a real hypocrite - I just had to face the fact that I have gone on about the importance of following your heart and yet I suddenly was stopped up to realise how much I am caught up in the material aspects of my relationship with wife.
I can see just how much the comfortable routine of my existence here in the old family home is just that, very comforting. And I recognise in me also the real scariness of having to face up to living on much reduced circumstances if we were to split up and divorce - especially since I have just lost my employment.
So, I am stuck with that realisation - How weak I am after all - How foolish and self deluded I have been about this.
We all have to weigh the pros and cons of any situation.. what we can live with and the biggie what we can not live with..material goods vs lack of.. what we can settle for.. life is not perfect.
I can live with out the some things I want because there are trade offs.. I know that deep down my H loves me.. and he shows it in different ways.. he is open and honest with me ... my gut is quiet and I love that feeling. The stress is gone.
I am contented and feel very blessed with my family and that is what makes me happy.
Take care,
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
I dont think you're a hypocrite either. You are on a healing journey. Give yourself a break. Everyone here thinks you're wonderul, kind, and caring. You have been doing a lot of soul searching and I just don't think you're quite finished yet..you are as we all are...a work in progress
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Jerry, I think we all feel this way at times. I know at each of three D-days I was very hard on myself for staying, for not having the courage to face up to the situation, telling people what had happened and splitting with H. I still have moments when I think I am weak and foolish to be still here with this man who has caused me so much pain. When I think about the reasons for staying, they changed. Initially I was ashamed that he had strayed (I know, I know, it wasn't about me, but in the early stages you do blame yourself) and couldn't face the embarrassment of telling people. Then I did worry about the financials and logistics of us splitting. Then, I didn't want OW to get him, to win - that would have been really hard. And then there are people who say you're better off with a FWS than with someone new, because you do know the tricks they might play. In the end it came down to a decision that separating felt worse than staying together. If that ever changed I am now strong enough to deal with the fall out. But sometimes I do feel very weak for still being here.
You have been through a devastating experience; you need time to make adjustments and work out the compromises you can live with. Reflecting on whether you are staying for the right or wrong reasons is part of that. Maybe your WS is still in the fog and that makes it all the harder to commit to staying spiritually, so please give it time and don't berate yourself for an entirely understandable reaction.
So sorry about your job - the last thing you needed at the moment. But it might give you some time for reflection and maybe reconnecting with your W.
I think I understand the idea that you're describing, that you feel that you might only be staying with your wife right now because that provides the best living conditions for you. This is a kind of thought that I also had in recovery, although for me it was centered around maintaining our family.
I think this a thought pattern that can be very deceptive and easy to use to justify or even require that you take certain actions that are destructive not only to the marriage, but to you and your spouse. I think the thought pattern came from two sources: the first was the perceived loneliness and lack of caring in the relationship, the second was the distorted perspective of being a betrayed spouse.
Because my wife wasn't connecting to me in the ways and at the times I felt she should have, I felt alone. I felt that our relationship was not based on mutual love, but on my outpouring on her and my willingness to accept crumbs from her. As recovery went on and the times when I noticed this disparity accumulated, I became more and more focused on this problem. Sometimes I'd share how I felt about this with my wife, which usually resulted in a time of her being more attentive toward me, but was always also followed with a return to the old situation. As I noticed that, I began to think that it was a permanent condition, since the lower levels of caring seemed to be an intrinsic part of my wife's nature.
I've come to realize that as a betrayed spouse looking for evidence that this relationship is safe, I am essentially looking at the relationship through the opposite of rose colored glasses, which I had come to call poop-clouded glasses. Looking at the relationship with that perspective hardly gives it a chance of being successful, since we're essentially rejecting any decent effort our wayward spouse puts forth and only really counting the negatives that we find. Of course, that's not what the relationship was before the discovery of the adultery. That's not how new relationships start out either. If the relationship before the adultery was OK and it wasn't that different than it is now, then there's a reason that I found it satisfying despite my wife's natural tendencies for caring.
I found the best approach is to try to combine all the above into something much more realistic. I can express to her my need for more caring than before, but I can accept that it's not natural for her to do it. I can understand that I'm looking at the situation with a negative bias, and keep that in mind when I feel offended or neglected. I can try to 'level the playing field' and treat our relationship more like a new one when analyzing her motives for doing or not doing something.
Of course, all this only applies if there is real repentance of the adultery and reconciliation of the relationship is a true desire. In addition, this ignores that some of the affair enabling behaviors are eliminated through a process somewhat like peeling an onion. If your spouse is still engaging in affairs or continuing to hold on to affair enabling behaviors, then those things need to be dealt with, and until they are there will be conflict in the relationship that no amount of self-control on your part, short of a lobotomy, will suppress.
Thank you all for your kind loving responses - They really make me feel better.
I have been spending a few days visiting old friends and family and have also found the perspective and support from these people at a time I seem to be feeling both weaker and more like I have my feet on the ground - not sure where that is leading.
