I first want to warn others that this post may trigger strong emotions.

It has been a long time since I posted here. I've been lurking around for awhile. Today, I decided to post. I am not sure if anyone remembers me. I was here in 2004, trying to do the right thing with my marriage after an affair. My H and I reconciled. We went to MC and began again. I was very fortunate that the OM left the state. It was the best thing that ever happened to me. Needless to say, it has been difficult for my H. We now have a daughter who is an incredible gift to us. She is nothing short of amazing.
Since then, I have had several potential affairs. I call them potential because they would have happened if the circumstances had been right. Fortunately, they weren't and I thank God for that every day. I guess I decided to post this so that maybe I can shed light on some of the WS out there. I will tell you what I have learned.
1. Once a cheater, always a cheater. I heard that once after my A a few years ago and vehemently said that it wasn't true. People can change, etc. When I found myself feeling the same things maybe a year and a half later for another potential affair partner, I realized that this statement can be very true. I don't think it is true for me now, only because I've learned the necessary lessons. Unless the cheater learns and realizes things, s/he will always cheat.
2. Affairs happen because something is lacking in the marriage. FALSE. There never has been anything lacking in my marriage. My husband is kind, loving, a wonderful father, the list goes on. It was all me. I didn't trust, I have intimacy problems, I am scared to death to get close to people. I didn't realize that until this past year. I had two friends (women) in whom I had confided many things. At the first hint of a struggle with them, I quietly ended the friendship. I remain cordial but won't discuss anything personal. I am like that with everyone, including my husband.
3. Sex was never better with the OM. I think people assume that it is so much better. It isn't. I often left feeling suicidal just because I felt cheap, discounted, like a complete jerk because I was willing to risk so much for an awful experience. I have finally been able to figure out that it wasn't about great sex. It was about me having sex with someone who didn't know anything about me. Pretty shallow. For those who say it is better, yes, there is the newness and excitement factor. That didn't last very long for me.
4. a bologna sandwich vs. a fine gourmet meal. Someone on this board once compared her former OM and her H. She said that the OM was like a bologna sandwich compared to her H, the fine gourmet meal. A few weeks ago, I was laying in bed thinking about affairs. I had spent another day with my H avoiding any kind of intimacy at all costs. Don't get me wrong, we have great sex as long as there isn't any kind of intimacy, foreplay, etc. I was laying in bed, fantasizing about this man that would some day come along and love me for who I am, all of my faults, etc. Then it hit me. I already have that in my husband. I think those who cheat are looking for the "right" one, when really that person is already there. For me personally, I feel like I have spent my whole adult life looking to feel that "magic" with someone when really, magic isn't felt in the day to day activities. Oprah once did a show on affairs. She said to the woman who cheated with a married man, "You don't have to do his laundry or pay bills with him." That really struck me even then. I just remember thinking, we (those who have affairs) are really clueless about what the other person is like. We have no idea how they are on a daily basis. We assume that they are this incredible person 24/7. No one can be that magical all the time. When it comes down to it, I think I realized that we have to look at how that person is in real life. I think that is what has kept me from several affairs. I would watch the person when they weren't with me and were dealing with other people. That was who they really were, not the little notes, phone calls, etc.they were with me.
5. Know thyself. I now know these things about myself: a. I don't like intimacy b. I love the thrill of excitement and c. I have a strange tendency to do things that will hurt me in some way shape or form. I now know that I have to avoid situations that will put me at risk to an affair or other things that can produce that "high" effect because I can't trust myself or be trusted in those situations. I think I am much more open to that now. I have to look at that when I am out of town for work. I avoid the bar, avoid talking to people, etc. I just know that I have to avoid those things like an alcoholic avoids drinks.

Well, I am not sure what led me to write all of this. I guess I just wanted to let people know that I am still here, still learning, still growing. For the first time in my life, I am at peace somewhat. I struggle so much with intimacy; I haven't given up entirely on fixing that part of myself, but am slowly getting used to the idea that it is something I may not be able to fix just because I am too scared to. I don't know why I wrote really.

That is a lovely statement and I thank you.  I am most intrigued by your mention of intimacy and how people who can't do it have affairs.  I am sure that my wife is in that category and it is clear to me that she keeps me at a distance to this day.  During her A she was able to hold two relationships without close intimacy in some ways.  I know exactly about that.  I have an idea that perhaps that sex gives a kind of intimacy at a deep level and acts to soothe those unable to get emotional intimacy - a bit like a drug, and, as you indicate, you feel the same draw to that like an alcoholic does. 

In my wife's case she did not experience intimacy within her family upbringing and I feel sure this has a lot to do with her inability to do this as an adult.  Sometimes it feels to me almost as if intimacy and the related acts of affection are like a foreign language to her - She just doesn't seem to understand how a touch to me can be so full and complete and, even, so much more fulfilling inside than sex. 

may you be safe and well dear lady, contented and happy

Thank you for posting. I am sure that took a lot of courage, and I hope you found it theraputic and healing in it's own right. I've found many times (as a FWS) that the process of posting and having to articulate my thoughts has, in many cases, helped me to learn something or realize something that had remained hidden to me before that.

My H and I are over 7 years past DDay now, so maybe that was why your post wasn't at all triggering to me. It was also in large part to not relating to a lot of what you said, so there wasn't a strong identification there.

While I'm also a FWS, I have a much different reality than you do. I also avoid any situation that would put me in a position to be approached by men, but it's much more for my own H's peace of mind than it is because I'd be tempted. I'll do just about anything to keep that sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach from ever happening again!

I'm not at all tempted anymore, and it's interesting to me when I look back at my pre-affair mindset to see the dramatic difference in myself and how I think and feel. I used to feel lonely and needy, I felt incomplete and unworthy, and I felt like flirting helped me feel good about myself. When I was at my lowest I allowed it to go to the "next level", and got that high you speak of. It was like a world outside of my own, and it felt wonderful to escape even though I was fighting all of the guilty feelings.

Now, I don't have any illusions that there is "another world" to escape to! It doesn't exist. It's fake. And it KILLED what little self worth I had left, on top of killing my marriage that I had vowed to treasure. I related to when you talked about wanting to kill yourself because I went through that for a short time after DDay when the lights came on in the room and I saw myself for what I was.

I did a LOT of work on my marriage, but also on myself, to figure out what was broken in me so I could be the wife my H deserved (and thought he married to begin with, btw). As I did that, I saw how low my self esteem had gotten, and how I was putting bandaids on it. I did proactive things to improve it and now feel a sense of inner peace that was missing. I don't feel any of the things I listed above, but am a much more confident, capable woman who juggles a household with 3 kids, 3 pets, and a H who relies on me for much even as he provides so much.

I am now FULLY his life partner, and I work daily to make sure we have true intimacy in it's deepest form. As we've faced trials we've grown even closer. He was at my side while I nursed twins and had just as many sleepless nights as I did. He changed just as many diapers as I did. He was fully there for me and we drew closer than we were prior to their birth.

He worked a rotating schedule at a remote location 2 weeks at a time, but even though he wasn't physically there he called all the time to check on us, and was a listening ear when I needed him. I felt proud of myself for taking care of everyone when he was gone, and that also helped build up my self esteem. I was called the "Dairy Queen" and "Super Mom" by family and friends. :D

When my H's brother passed away, he leaned on me heavily. By then, 6 years had gone by since DDay, and he needed me so much. I felt honored and blessed beyond measure that he trusted me to be there for him. It was the greatest gift he could have given me, to allow me to hold him up as he mourned his brother's loss. I still feel that way, for it's not even been 1 year since his death and of course there are still challenging days (like the date of his birthday this past Friday).

I apologize for going on so long on your thread, but I wanted to tell you some of the details of my history so you'd see what true intimacy can be. I urge you to continue IC or pursue it if you're not involved in it already, because it saddens me to think of you spending the rest of your married life missing out on the deep connection that you could be forming with your H. It sounds like your fear of intimacy runs deep, and would require professional help. It's hard to explain if you haven't experienced it, but to feel THAT connected to one person is the most fulfilling feeling on the planet, IMO.

If you ever feel inclined to post again, please do. Don't worry about triggering anyone, just be truthful. There are many people here who are several years past DDay and can read your post with experience as well as objectivity and hopefully be helpful to you. You are welcome here!

Future blessings,
Sunflower

Edited because typos drive me crazy and I accidentally mixed up the kids and dogs, oops.

Trying:

That was a fantastic post, partly because it affirmed many of the same things that I've discovered in recovery after my wife's affair, partly because it is such an honest disclosure of your experience.

The interesting thing is that this post seems to imply that you are an open and approachable person, but you write otherwise. I'm guessing that this is one of your traits, that you make quick friends but then have difficulty reaching a deeper level of friendship as the relationship develops.

My wife and I have had the same discussion about how she has trouble being intimate with me and even now how it is a struggle for her. I suspect that this is part of her basic makeup that will not easily be overcome, even over a long period of time. It sounds like this is what you're saying too. However, knowing who you are and what are your struggles is the first step toward any process of change. Of course, developing the discipline and control needed to consistently overcome the desire to retreat to the old ways of coping and dealing is the next part of that.

It's my hope that you'll be able to master that as time goes on.

Thanks for sharing your post.

TomJ

I just wanted to say that took a lot of strength to post. You did a great job explaining your way of thinking/feeling...and I just wanted to say Thank You. I hope you will continue on this path of self discovery, healing, and remaining faithful to your H. You both deserve a great marriage.

Best wishes,

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha