Three-year anniversary of most recent D-day is nearly here. Time to reflect how things are the same or different. I've gone through my annual ritual of re-reading my journal and collection of e-mails from that time. I've spent time thinking about what the A's mean to me today. I'm not entirely sure.
First of all, the pain has faded. It is nearly gone. I really have to work to really remember what it felt like. I suppose that is good. I would have some real problems if i couldn't let go of the pain after this long.
On the other hand, I am still determined to not let it fade completely. Thus the reason for keeping the journal and re-reading it. I let it go once. I got rid of all evidence and writings. I forgave. Quickly. Maybe too quickly. I let life move back to normal.
I know he will tell you I held onto it for a long time, but really it wasn't long relative to how long it usually takes. Under six months as compared to an average of two years.
But what did I get by letting it go? A second affair.
When I saw the signs of a second A brewing I just thought, "He wouldn't do that to me again." I refused to see it because I couldn't accept that all that pain was for nothing. But I guess it was because it happened again.
I determined after the second that I wouldn't let myself get that comfortable again. I would never be in the place where I couldn't believe it could happen.
So where are we now? I don't believe my H is having or has recently had any A's but I believe he would lie to me anytime it was convient for him. I have told him I think of him as liar. He get angry at this, but it doesn't bother me or shake my belief that he is just a good liar.
I've also told him I think living apart is good for our marriage. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Less time together means less time to fight. And one element I haven't told him about, I always felt it would be easier in some ways to be a single parent than to live with an uninvolved partner. I guess it is true. It is easier know I have to do it all; there is no other option, than expecting him to help then being disappointed by him.
On other levels, I think we have a lot of the same problems with communication, affection, compromise, but the lack of time together makes them less important. So we generally get along and enjoy what time we spend together.
I know all this sound sad, and not how a marriage should be, but it is what it is. Not bad enough to leave. Not good enough to work at keeping it.
I hope I haven't annoyed you all by repeating stuff, but this is where we are and where we have been. He may not see it but I do.
Trinity
P.S. He is pushing me to work again. I will probably get a job if I can find something in the education field here. When/if I do he will have to make a few more adjustments. I won't be the sweet little wife, doing his laundry and making his favorite meals on the weekend when he is home if my week is full of work and kids M-F. He will need to learn how to use the laundromat in his apartment building and eat what I make or go hungry.
Trinity, of course you haven't annoyed anyone, venting and getting stuff out is what this board is about!
There are so many things you wrote that say exactly how I feel/felt. This statement really hit home for me "I believe he would lie to me anytime it was convient for him". I feel the same way about my H.
As you said some of what you wrote does seem sad, but if that is how you are geting through, then so be it.
Have you talked to your H about the ramifications of you getting a job? Why don't you get a job on the weekends when he is home. This way he gets to deal with the kids and house. Although I believe you have said in the past he wont do anything for the kids while you not there, so that could be bad for the kids.
Have you gone out with you GFs yet, how was it? If you haven't gone yet, go and have a good time, you deserve it!
You have NOT annoyed anyone .. You sound angry.. angry you forgave your H too quickly.. let the evidence go.. I forgave H the first time.. wrote long letters to him telling him about the pain I was experiencing.. I don't think he ever read those letters.. I tore them up 6 to 8 months following the first D-day 23 1/2 yrs ago..he continued to have his ONS's.. lies..then he had his yr long A..D-day 2..
I settled for crumbs.. made do.. settled for what was best for my children.. we made a "happy" home.. family time we had fun..I loved my H..I lived this way for 18 yrs..I took care of the house and kids ..H earned the money..it worked for me..no right or wrong.
You have alot on your plate and you have found a way to deal with your situation.. for this moment in time..it works for you right now and that is what counts for you..
Communication is hard when you only see your S on weekends..at least you are enjoying your time together. and that can be a positive step.
Just sending you (((hugs))))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
