Hi all,
I have a question that is bothering me lately. We are 4 years after D-day. It has been pretty bumpy, but we just celebrated our anniversary on Tuesday. It was the first time when I shared with my H the lingering feelings that I have. My H was raised in a wonderful home and family. Even before the A, I was ashamed of my family background, how the house was, the way I was raised, etc. I come from an alcoholic upbringing and have always had self-esteem issues. Out of 5 children, I tend to be the most driven, ambitious, etc. It was difficult on my family because they weren't sure how to take me. They backed away quite a bit seeing my success as a betrayal. I married my H, feeling fairly confident. As time went on though, I started to really feel "unworthy" of him because of the difference in our families. Then I had the A. What seemed to be "bad self esteem" became 100 times worse. Now I wake up every day with the feeling that I'll never be good enough for my H, not only because of our families but because of my choice to have the A. I feel like all I do when my H gets home is clean. I think that is my way of trying to make sure at least our house is perfect for him. I will scrub things for hours. Then I lay in bed and apologize for everything I didn't get done. My H said the other night he wishes I would feel better about me/us. I feel like I can't because of what I did.
Any advice?
This message has been edited by tryingtofixthemess on Jul 17, 2008 7:12 AM
I am a BS, not a WS, but I am responding because I, too, grew up in an alcoholic home. I, too, suffered from low self-esteem, as did my H. The message I learned from my mother was that I was not good enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not smart enough, etc. NONE of that was true. What was true was that SHE had problems, and my sibs and I suffered along with her and my dad.
I was so happy when I married my H because being with him made me feel good enough, pretty enough, etc. When he had his A, my self-esteem oozed away until it was pretty much gone. I figured he had finally realized that my mother was right all those years ago.
Guess what? Once again I was wrong. My H had serious problems and our kids and I suffered, along with him, because of those problems. My IC worked very hard with me to get me to see that SELF-esteem means exactly that--arising from SELF!
I know how hard it is to overcome those feelings of worthlessness and unlovableness because I have been there too. Sweetie, you are NOT worthless, unlovable, etc. You had problems and still have them. You need to work on improving your self-esteem. Separate your actions from yourself. Did you do bad things? Yes, and so do we all, but doing is NOT the same as being!!!
If you are not still in IC, I urge you to go. Getting help dealing with the leftover baggage from your childhood and with your self-esteem issues will help you, your H, and your marriage immeasureably. You do not have to continue hurting. Trust me when I say that we BS LOVE our WS. We want them not to hurt. We want them to heal, too.
Nurture your inner child. She needs the love.
Just my fairy cents' worth and HUGE encouraging hugs,
Yesterday I was with some relatives of mine and we discussed the old question about "How can you love someone when you don't love yourself". I came away from that conversation with a feeling that all of us may have a place inside us where we feel we are inadequate and lack self-esteem. At least I felt better knowing it wasn't just me. I also felt that this feeling is truly a factor in me not being able to trust my WS wife or perhaps any woman to love me. I don't think I can give you any solution or answer other than my feeling these days that it really is about how much you can love you that counts - It all begins at home. As a BS I can tell you that it is not just WS that have the problem - at least you can feel a bit better about yourself on that score.
One of the people I was talking to yesterday is a musician and he was worried about having to perform in front of 30,000 people. One thing he spoke of was how he is totally honest and does not rely on security as the "salary man" as he describes it. He felt that his ability to "go to the edge" and give openly and honestly was what the audience saw in him, appreciated and wanted from him. Thinking back on this it feels to me now as if he gives a kind of love in that way when he performs - And before he steps on that stage he has to believe in and love himself (be confident is another way people use to describe this). He went on to say that you can only recieve as much love as you can give - we have heard that before and there may be some truth in it - Sometimes I feel I get more than I give I have to say.
I am so sorry that you are defining yourself as unworthy and only good enough to clean..
You are so much more.. Your H sees the essence of you.. He stayed with you , he cares about you..
I also will echo what FF posted.. Please search out a good IC who can help you rebuild your self esteem.
Yes, you had an A..but you have been given a second chance to rebuild your relationship.. You don't need to keep defining yourself as unworthy..a sinner.. We are all sinners we all make giant mistakes, make selfish decisions.. We have to learn from and forgive ourselves for our sins, our selfishness..
Please forgive yourself..begin the process by reaching back to that lonely girl who is crying out and hug her..she wasn't and isn't responsible for the actions of the parents. We can all look back on our parents actions like some of them and dislike, hate.. others.. You can NOT let your parents behavior define who you are. I am who I am in-spite of my parents nagging... I learned this in IC..
Please do get in touch with an IC.. You deserve it..
((((hugs)))
Pat
"Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time."
The home and family you were raised in have definitely played a part in your development up to now. However, they do not define you.
The actions you took against your marriage have had an impact on your marriage, but they do not define it or you.
You are not the sum of all your mistakes. You are a person, just like the rest of us. You are human, you are frail, you bleed, you cry, you laugh hilariously, you weep uncontrollably. You have moments of despair, moments of joy.
Your surroundings now do not define you.
So what does define you?
Your decisions, your choices - today.
Today you can make the choice to live in the freedom of the forgiveness you've received. Today you can choose to live with the joy of knowing that you have a spouse who loves you, who cares more deeply about you than you even deserve (And by the way, none of us get what we deserve). Today you can live in an attitude of gratitude for breaking free from the chains of your family's past, and breaking free of the chains of adultery that nearly ensnared your soul. You can rejoice and be glad that you even have today.
Ok, so these are the things I tell myself pretty regularly, and you know...they are truth, and the truth has set me free.
I am a product of my past to some degree, but my choices today are what define me. So it is with all of us, really.
This message has been edited by XWS on Jul 18, 2008 10:08 AM
I haven't responded yet because I wasn't quite sure of what to say. Something came to me this morning though, and I hope it will help.
If you've been reading here awhile, you know that there are WS who NEVER get it. They don't stop cheating, they play head games with their BS and break their heart over and over again, with multiple DDays and promises of change but no delivery. They make all of the posters here, BS and FWS alike, furious to the point we wish we could give them a good kick in the butt and hurt them the way they've hurt their BS.
You came out of that fog, and are trying your hardest to make it up to your BS! You could have run away and left, not facing yourself and looking in that mirror that shows who you lowered yourself to. But you did not. You are staring in that mirror right now and hating who you became. But sweetie, what you need to realize is that your future has such hope now. The personal growth that you will get from moving past this and learning from it has the potential to make your M one of the strongest out there.
Be kind to yourself, get into IC and address those darn demons of your childhood that are telling you that you aren't worthy of the man laying beside you. If you belong to a church, talk to a pastor or priest and let yourself feel cleansed of this spiritually. You have so much to give and once you see what a brave first step you have taken you can then take the next step.
I'm so glad you have started posting. I sincerely hope you continue to vent here and let yourself be vulnerable. You are so brave to have come this far...so many don't.
