OW sent H an e-mail about work yesterday and he forwarded it to me as soon as he saw it. She started it with some chat about the weather, the fact that she is travelling but looking forward to getting home, and a recommendation for H to see the movie "Married Life" because he "will like it".
I looked at a summary of the movie - it is about a "sensitive middle aged man" who falls in love with someone other than his wife. He believes his wife couldn't take the humiliation of a divorce so decides to murder her instead.
My FWS H HATES anything about infidelity and adultery; he gets upset and can't stay in the room if a movie comes on TV. He is hypersensitive to any mention of cheating on a spouse. So why would OW think he would like this movie? It is the last thing in the world he would choose to see.
This tells me two things. (1) OW doesn't know H anywhere as well as she thinks she does. There is other evidence of this as well, other things she has recommended to him which would make him puke. (2) OW is still deep in the fog. She still believes that H loved/loves her and would be with her if it wasn't for the inconvenience of two spouses, five children, two jobs in different cities etc.
She is seeing H as the man in this movie, herself as the "lover" and me as the pathetic wife. I can't believe she recommended this movie to him; it is a secret reminder of their A and therefore a betrayal of her own H.
My H felt sick when he saw her name on the e-mail; he is ignoring it for the moment and then he will make a minimal response which he will discuss with me first. She asked him to phone her for a chat about the work stuff, but that is the last thing he wants to do and he thinks he can deal with it by e-mail. Will this insensitive, self-centered woman never be out of our lives? I can't believe she has just been promoted to full professor (partly on the strength of the work she has done with my H) when she has so few people skills or understanding of anyone's point of view other than her own.
Just had to vent and share this latest piece of stupidity from this very contemptable woman.
Oh how awful... I suppose this is the companion movie to "Unfaithful" where the BS sets out to kill the OP.
(Apparently, affairs tend to not bring out the best in people - she says tongue frimly planted in cheeck)
You wrote "OW is still deep in the fog. She still believes that H loved/loves her and would be with her if it wasn't for the inconvenience of two spouses, five children, two jobs in different cities etc"
A few years ago, I spent quite alot of time browsing a web site where OW post about their particular issues. I was trying to understand what might be in their heads. I'm not sure I was successful...
but this "forever love that could be perfect if not for kids, spouses, jobs AND THE FACT THEY ARE INVOLVED WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS MADE OTHER LIFE CHOICES (that one gets missed alot)... this is a pretty common theme.
I think it's one of the things that bothered me even after it ended. She never saw that he was pretending to be someone else. She quite likely believes that he came back because I was in an institution (I traveled for my job at the time and that's the excuse he used to explain my absense)
but then, it's probably easier for a spurned OP to believe that their "love could have been perfect if only..." than to look in the mirror and face the facts.
And ... I wonder if anyone really ever fools themselves forever and the truth might float up to the surface in time...
--
For you, I'm happy that your H shared this email, expressed his feelings and understands your feelings on this issue. There's that old saying "Living well is the best revenge" It sounds like you're doing well.
All my best,
-Susan
This message has been edited by stillkickin on Jul 19, 2008 12:06 PM
You and your H are handling the situation well. I understand your need to vent about the OW's fog. Will it ever lift? Will she ever be totally out of your lives? I wish I knew. Unfortunately the A happened and lasted a very long time. There is a huge fog bank that needs to lift. Perhaps in time, or when the OW finds someone else to bother, not unlike when a WS finds a new OP. Like mine, for example. My WH says the same things about OW#2 that he said about OW#1, but says he no longer wants OW#1. What's the difference? Both of these OW's are exactly alike and provide the exact same "needs". I really don't think true love is that interchangeable, lol. But what do I know...I have only ever been truly in-love with one man, and I am no expert, lol. Anyway, my point is once the OW moves on to a new MM, she will think that new MM is the love of her life, and she only thought your H was it. They dont really know what love is and are looking in all the wrong place, selfisly not caring who they hurt, even if it is themselves they are hurting. YEP...that's how thick the fog is.
((((hugs))))
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
Pat, I’m sure that is the role she’s playing in her own mind: tragic heroine separated from the noble hero because both of them are too honourable to leave their families…”Ah, if only…we weren’t married…didn’t have children…lived in the same town…had met earlier in our lives…weren’t such good people (LOL)”.
Susan, your readings from the OW website are just where I think she is at. My H thinks it’s the “affair, what affair” approach, but I think it’s “you and I have a secret, special, permanent bond and this is how I can remind you of it.” H and I both know this is very dangerous, given his need to be liked by everyone which was his motivation for continuing the A for so long, and for not closing it off as completely as he should have. But I think he’s really quite angry with OW these days, as he starts to see how she manipulated him and used his vulnerability to get what she wanted. I also have huge issues with the fact that she has never acknowledged (and may not realise) all the lies he told her. She thinks the person he was with her is the real person, and the person with me is a role, which is of course the complete opposite of the truth.
Cal, sometimes in my daydreams I see her moving on to another MM. But wouldn’t it be wonderful if she actually came out of the fog and realised that her own H is the one she needs to be with? And went the hard yards to reconcile with him. We all know how much pain this man would be in if he saw a message like this to her former OM. The fact that she sent it while she’s out of town suggests that she knows it’s wrong to write to him like this and she is hiding it from her H. The woman is totally still in Lala land.
Anyway, H and I have discussed his response extensively. Of course I still have a small niggle that in some way he is encouraging her, or that he won’t be able to be as distant as he needs to be, but at least we are working on it together and for now it is bringing us closer rather than driving a wedge between us.
>My H felt sick when he saw her name on the e-mail; he is ignoring it for the moment and then he will make a minimal response which he will discuss with me first.
I don't believe that any response is required, especially if this email comes after any kind of a no-contact request. If there has not been a request or if there is some reason for confusion, then I'd limit the message to nothing more than reiterating that request or making it for the first time.
I'd avoid any personal attacks on the OW, any analysis about the affair realationship, any discussion of your marriage, or any comments about her recent email and the motivation behind it. Any lengthy explaination is going to feed her need for contact which is why I believe a short message is better. Since no message is the shortest, if the no-contact rule has already been laid out, then nothing more needs to be said.
Unfortunately he does have to respond, because it is to do with an ongoing project and there are other people involved. And I totally agree that she still has a need for contact, and is using this project as a way of feeding her ongoing fantasy that he loves her, hence the recommendation to see a movie about a "gentle" adulterer. So he will simply reply with the basic project related information. By the end of the year it should be over and he will then be able to ignore her, but sadly for now there are several students who depend on the results. He knows how stupid it was to get involved in a mutual project and hates that she has this excuse to contact him, and I've seen his draft reply which is cold and impersonal. Plus he's already left it several days and plans to let it go a while longer.
