I read your post a few days ago and thought I would tell you my story.
On July 28 it will be three years since I found out of my husbands affair with a co worker (he was her boss) I have been down a road different than most-trying to see both sides as good but in the end I have learned the affair was not good-the friendship was not good. It was all based on lies. Something that is kept secret is not a good thing.
I'll try to explain the best I can. One thing I want you to know that you are right about no one being able to change your mind on things. You have to be ready. You and you alone.
When I found out of the affair, I called the OW, we both cried and she said how sorry she was. Told me that she loved him. I was so hurt, yet I felt bad for her too. That is where all this took a weird twist. I believed everything they told me. That it was a great friendship-they could tell anything to each other and the other would understand. They both loved their spouses (yes, she is married too) loved their children-they were never leaving their families. My husband thought that if it happened during work hours I would never find out and it was his time anyway. So I believed every word they told me.
It is funny how the years go by and things change and the real stories and feelings emerge.
I have been in the "fog" along with my husband until recently when I found out he had been lying again. That is when he saw what the "friendship" really was and who it was making him be.
What I was told and what is now being said....
Their work friendship blossomed into a very close friendship which in return turned physical. They worked side by side for 10 hour days. He saw her more than he saw me. He saw her only when she was at her best-dressed nice and smelled good. Not the everyday life we all have.
Now he says that because he was helping her it was her way of giving back to him. It was her that made the first move which I believe because she has had 4 other affairs. He didn't refuse so it was his fault too. He blames both of them.
In my head I thought my husband must love her because how could he do that if he didn't? It's not the man I thought he was.
He says now that he never loved her. Just cared for her as a friend. When he was with her at the hotels, he never felt the closeness nor the deep love he has with me. And he always felt guilty afterwards. That says something right there. If someone feels guilty for a feeling that is as powerful as love is something is drastically wrong.
I have thought for years that I wasn't as good as she. But what I have found out is that she is no better. I will be honest with you, I don't like her now. She took so many things, so many memmories, so many feelings from my marriage. I have a hard time finding the right card for him now because the sayings just don't have the feelings anymore. It will never be the same. The major difference in us is that she wanted my life, I never wanted hers. I married my husband for who he was and who he would become. I'm sorry that she doesn't have what we do. But, it didn't happen over night. It took work, hard work. and years.
What I am trying to say is that even though you may love him, I don't believe he loves you. He has used you for sometrhing that is missing in him. He won't find that in you. Even though the times you ahve with him my be great, he still goes back to his wife and children everyday night. He lies to her, where he is, what he is doing and even though you say he tells you the truth, I wouldn't bet on it. My husband didn't tell her the truth. He would tell her things for example. She said a movie was good, we would watch it, we usually didn't like the ones she did but he would say we did. One time he told her he didn't like it, it hurt her feelings so he told her we watched it again and it was good. Must have watched it the first time when our moods were different. He lied to her so she wouldn't get hurt feelings. It's just part of the messed situation.
Now he wants nothing to do with her. See's her as selfish and manlipulative. He see's that he was always helping her, listening to her but she never gave back. He was tired of her complaining. He sees her for who she really is now and he doesn't like her.
Even though our stories are different the pain is the same. Even though you don't think you can stop seeing him, you can. As hard as it will be, just stop . Cold turkey as they say. I didn't think I would ever get out of the cycle that I was in but I did. Whenver I think about hings, like contacting her, I do something else. I get my mind off of it. It really works.
We are so much better off without her. I never thought I would say that.
You derserve someone that loves you and only you. You will find that person if you let go now. Don't waste your life and then look back and say you should have done it years ago. DO IT NOW!
I am just so torn. I hear all of your stories... and some things you have told me really make so much sense. I don't know any of you and I have known him for over five years... it makes it so hard to take your word above his. Not only his word but his actions.
I'm not saying I don't hear what you tell me. I don't take everything everyone says to heart... but there are some things people have said that really struck me. You know even if I don't feel like it pertains to my relationship I still don't want anyone to be going through the pain and agony I have heard about here.
I am glad you finally see your H's OW for who she is. I am only hearing your point of view... but just because I am an OW doesn't mean I am OK with every situation. She had four other affairs? And she is still married? She got upset because your H didn't like a movie she told him was good? I don't understand how you cried with her... how you were able to even stand her... you must be a really kind person. You have treated me so kindly as well.
You talk about the OW and she sounds nothing like me... but maybe its because I'm hearing it from your point of view and not hers. Maybe I am more awful than I realize and I am like every OW talked about here. I know what I am doing is hurting people and I can't stop so what does that say about me? I don't deny that I am selfish, but I'm not in this relationship for the fun of it.
I don't know how C feels about me... I know what he tells me and I choose to believe that. I do know how I feel about him and I would rather be alive only one more year and spend it with him than live the rest of my life without him. Maybe I'm throwing my love away on someone who doesn't deserve it, but I can't help feeling that way.
I still dont think C is lying to me. He has never told me something to spare my feelings. He told me that is fake. He flipped out because I told him sometimes I listen to his stories because I know he loves talking about them, but I really don't want to. I hate softball.... I hate baseball... I just never liked those sports. I like when he tells me how his daughter does... but I don't need a play by play on the entire two hour game. He loves talking about it so I talk to him and ask questions and I do it for him. He told me I was fake and that I shouldnt say or do something if I don't want to. He took it back later and said he understood why (and I never told him what topics I listen to that I really have no interest in so that he would keep talking about them). He told me he doesn't like several things I do or wear (when I ask). If I was wearing a dress that made me look fat and asked him about it... he would tell me. He says don't ask if you don't want to know.
I'm sorry I get so caught up in talking about him. I love thinking about him... even the annoying things about him make me smile. I don't want to loose my best friend. Even if he ends up hating me years from now... I could never feel that way about him.
Thats one of the things that made me so sad when I read your post. I don't ever want C to feel that way about me... but I can't control that. I was thinking about asking him to read everything everyone has written here. Then write me a one page essay on how it pertains to us (just kidding). I have told him I came here and what I said to people and some of what they have said to me. He told me what I said he would... we may not be in a unique situation, but I am still me... I haven't changed... and we aren't everyone else.
I read your story and I still wonder if that will be C's wife several years down the line. If C will look back with only regret and sorrow. I just don't know.
I know I ramble on about absolutely nothing half the time... I just write what pops into my head. Not censored.
I can see you are a sensitive, caring woman who has found herself in a hideously unkind situation. Some things I have learned from IC:
-Without exception, women who have A's with married men have issues they need to deal with.IC says that she can't say what they are (fear of commitment, low self esteem, competition with other women, daddy complex, mommy problem,etc.) but they are there. No one with a healthy view of herself and the world would put herself in that position. IC has changed my life....I think it would really help to get some therapy and find out why you are allowing yourself to accept the position of OW. I mean this in the kindest way.
-A's are fantasies for everyone involved. They are clandestine, exciting, new, thrilling. They usually don't involve taking out the garbage, paying the bills, arguing about who is going to watch the kids. My H and I had a very real life during his A's and he acknowledges that his A world was a fantasy world where he was admired and admired and never had to deal with the boring, difficult realities of every day life. He felt young
In my case, my H had a long term A with a younger woman, who, though I hate to admit it, was bright, attractive, successful. She also doted on my H and made him feel good about himself. D Day came when I discovered a note saying that she was the woman he should have married. The second I confronted him with the note, he dropped the "woman he should have married" and did everything he could to get his real life back. A's flourish in the dark and often die when exposed to the sunlight. Three years later,with lots of therapy for both of us, our M is better than ever and he sees his OW as a sad, unfulfilled woman who allowed herself to be used to satisfy his needs and fantasies. He even says that he cannot respect a woman who did what she did and would never really have married someone who cheated with him.
And the fantasies were huge - riding off into the sunset, star crossed lovers, I didn't understand him, etc. Did he believe them at the time? Maybe. But he now knows they were manipulative lies, intended to enhance his pleasure in the fantasy and to keep her at his feet.It worked for many years.
Others have talked about the pain - it is indescribable. I spent the first year hating the OW and imagining all kinds of revenge. Now, I see her as my H does - we both feel sorry for her and H feels tremendous guilt for having screwed up her life, taken time from her that could have been used to find a healthy relationship. I have no sympathy for her - an issue we disagree on.
I am not trying to be hurtful. Maybe you and your MM are one of the very few who should be together. Regardless, it is cruel and deceitful to partake in the lies that destroy someone else's realities. Apart from the moral aspect of adultery, cheaters are thieves, robbing the BS of the right to make decisions about her life. My H and his OW made the decision to cheat on me. I should have had the opportunity to decide if I wanted to live with a cheater. Instead, every memory of the seven years of H's A is distorted and tarnished. No one has the right to do that to another person.
So, my two pieces of advice:
-See a therapist
-Bring the A into the open - that is the only way you can show that you are the caring woman you seem and the only way you will ever really know where you stand with this man who claims to love you.
