No not me!!! The most I do is take an asprin! A dear friend's daughter is hurting. She had an EA and her h found out. He told her to go home to Daddy. He also let it be known that he LOVES his wife, but in addition to her other issues she was also doing cocaine at one point in their marraige. He is not sure if she is still doing it or what, but once she was.
Her parents are my dear friends. They do not know about the drugs. They think the H is a creep. Matter of fact they have no idea their daughter is no bargain. They blame all her problems on H.
How do I help?
I thought of all our experts here in both affair recovery and drug therapy and thought there is no better source of help.
I can't send my friends here, but whatever advice you give me I will try to delicately share with them. I don't think the H is a bad guy. I think their daughter needs help...
Hi El, I'm leaving town soon & can't give as detailed a response as I'd like but there are several things to check out. One is Rational Recovery (find it online) by Jack Trimpey.
Also, Naranon, for families of drug abusers. Narcotics Anonymous is a different program, for the drug users themselves. There are usually many local support groups foe either program. Lists of groups are available online.
Rational Recovery (RR) is very different from Naranon, in fact, I think they are at odds with each other...but both have good survival strategies.
Best regards, BB
Thanks so much Blue! When I told my H I was coming here for help he didn't understand! I told him if I remembered correctly you are a drug counselor. And here you are helping with this, as you have with affair recovery! Thank you my friend!
Also try looking for an IC that has experience with substance addictions. My IC and his entire group do drug and alcholol councelling in addition to IC and MC...even work with autism patients and families coping with autism. They pretty much cover everything you can think of. They also do groups...work with the DUI's and so on. So if you saw a C in the group for MC, not only could they help with the A, they could would also be able to get a feel to see if she was still using. They are good at this and have tons of experience, and can pick up on clues us ordinary folk wouldn't even notice. If they could find such a group of IC's it would help in all aspects, the A, the drug issues...everything.
~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha
LOL Thank goodness, I was concerned when I saw your post. As for advice, my question is: are your friends totally oblivious to her behavior? Has this been how they handle things when she was growing up? If so, then maybe you need to "enlighten" them to a few things. I know it will be just as much of a blow to them as D-day is to the BS but you have to look at this situation in the same light as someone knowing your spouse is cheating but doesn't tell you. Would you rather know than not??? I think every BS here would reply with a resounding YES! I am sure that they won't listen to their son-in-law, after all, how could their precious daughter have a problem? But they may listen to you, someone who is concerned about her welfare, as much as concerned for your dear friends. Other than what everyone else has said, counseling, drug intervention and support from family and friends are what is needed for her to kick this problem.
What a precarious position you find yourself in. How do you know about this gals drug use and EA? Did she confide in you?
There are all sorts of recovery programs. SMART is an excellent one, Women for Sobriety is another, all have online programs available, and some f2f meetings depending on where you live. I think it kinda depends on the level of the use. Did it reach a dependecy stage? Was it occasional use, etc etc...
As far as you having information that your friends don't...that is a tough one. I mean, I think you might just have to take a backseat on this one...they are going to defend their daughter, and if the gals hubby doesn't want to work on reconciliation, there is nothing to work with anyway.
I don't really have advice...I just wanted to say that it really sucks for you to be kind of caught in the middle.
I am not sure how close you are to the parents...If you are really good friends and you feel they trust you you may want to tell them.
I know that I would rather know that my boys were in trouble than to find out after it is too late...However, I know that you being the one to tell could cause major headaches for you.
Dear El,
If your friends live near NYC and are willing to go there for therapy, e-mail me. My husband's Addictions Counselor is amazing, amazing, amazing. As you know, my H's addiction was alcohol - and he hasn't had a drink in 3 years but his doctor specializes in all kinds of addiction (he's a psychologist who used to be head of addictions at a major NYC hospital).
Susan
Hi El, I'm back from my excursion. Please also check out Hazelden for books and valuable information (mostly of the 12-Step variety). There are many valid approaches to addiction recovery, of which the 12 Steps are but one.
Yep, been doing drug/alcohol counseling services for 28+ years now & 24 years at CPS. Doesn't make me any smarter than anyone else, but it has given me many opportunities to talk to lots of hurtin' folks (besides here!) and dig out resources.
BB
As for advice, my question is: are your friends totally oblivious to her behavior? Has this been how they handle things when she was growing up? If so, then maybe you need to "enlighten" them to a few things. I know it will be just as much of a blow to them as D-day is to the BS but you have to look at this situation in the same light as someone knowing your spouse is cheating but doesn't tell you. Would you rather know than not??? I think every BS here would reply with a resounding YES! I am sure that they won't listen to their son-in-law, after all, how could their precious daughter have a problem? But they may listen to you, someone who is concerned about her welfare, as much as concerned for your dear friends. Other than what everyone else has said, counseling, drug intervention and support from family and friends are what is needed for her to kick this problem.