Back from my mini vaca! It was great. I didn't want to come back! We fished, hiked, etc. I love the outdoors!
All felt really normal again, until today when I had to call the Dr. again because I have yet another yeast infection (again normal for me since I was 16). However, b/c of what happened I am always freaking out that it could be something else. The doctor (a new one) said to me "If you are worried it could be something else, we can do cultures. I tell all my patients you can only be 100% sure of what you do. You can not be 100% sure what your spouse does."
I am sure this is a standard blanket statement that she gives, but it has really stressed me out b/c this was never the way that I thought before and now I get so upset. My H called right after I called the Dr. He was on his break. He asked what was wrong and I told him. He asked when I was going to stop worrying about this and let us go back to being normal again. He again reiterated, "I didn't do this, she did. This is all b/c of what happened to me." We watched a show on rape yesterday and he was crying and said "Why can't you see that this was not my fault....etc,etc." Anyway today I told him that we will never be "normal" again. Unfotunately I now have these crappy memories and this medical history and although he may not have done anything in the truck that night things changed between us b/c he didn't trust and confide in me. I read a post earlier from someone who said that picking out a card for thier H was even difficult. It is the same for me b/c I still resent having to go through what I did.
This all just sucks!
At least I had a good vacation. And another one is coming soon!
I need to go now b/c it sounds like my kids are abusing thier cat!
Welcome back. I'm glad the vacation was a time of escape.
It sounds like he's frustrated over not being believed. Or maybe it's something else.
I hope you don't mind a question. I'm a little confused, is the issue with his not telling right away over the betrayal of that omission, or is it over the doubts about the truth of his story given that ommission?
have you been tested for Gardnerella Vaginalis? I would treat with OTC remedies only to have it recur again and again. Finally the Dr. tested me for Gardnerella and treated me with Flagyl. I haven't had an infection since.
“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”
What is that? I've never heard of it? How do they test you for it? Did your doctor bring it up or did you. Let me tell you if it is something that can be fixed I am all for it!
I really don't know how to answer that ? I can tell you that I truly believe that had he come to me and told me immediately I would have had no trouble believing and trusting him.
Finding out the way that I did is where my problems come from now.....but I wasn't there...I got the story a year later....Even though I believe what he is telling me 95% of the time, there is always that 5% that I don't know what to believe
and him not telling me hurt our relationship b/c I had to find out something that I should have heard from him from my doctor which made everything humiliating and embarrassing for me! Here I was 7 1/2 months pregnant thinking I had the perfect life and Wham! You know what I mean.
If I understand you properly, then your answer is that because he didn't tell you, but instead covered it up, you have a "5%" doubt that he really was actually raped. It probably doesn't help that since he's a man, and the male sexual response is "more active" than a woman's, that also tends to support any doubt.
Yes, I would say that you understand mostly. I know that this is stereotypical, but I just wish I knew 1 man that it had happened to you know?
All I know is that if I were raped/assaulted, whatever you want to call it. I would not want my husband to think that I cheated on him. I would want him to know that I only love and want to be with him and that I was violated. He let me believe that I cheated on him b/c he said he couldn't tell me or anyone else the way he felt. Therefore I started this whole mess as a BS believing that I was a BS then about 4 months later he came out and told the counselor and myself (i don't remember in what order) his feelings, that he felt like it was like rape, that he never thought of what happened as cheating on me, but he didn't know how to say that and that he was embarrassed by it. So then it was like my brain that had believed one thing had to try to undo that and try to believe another. I compare it to watching someone die and then seeing them alive. Maybe not a good comparison, but you know what I mean.
By the way I don't mind the ?'s
LMS
I edited for a spelling mistake...The teacher in me just wouldn't let it go.
This message has been edited by lovemysons on Jul 24, 2008 7:21 PM
Glad you enjoyed your vacay. Can you take me with you next time???? LOL LOL You know my story, as I posted it on the other post of yours. I guess you just need to sit and talk to him about his feelings and get him into counseling. I'm going through the Rape Recovery Counseling given by our local hospital (free of charge) and today we just set up a plan of attack on how to deal with the residual feelings I have. I would highly recommend that he get into counseling to talk about it and that YOU get into counseling to help you understand what he is going through. Also, there are books out there on recovery. My counselor gave me one titled, "Recovering from Rape" by Linda E. Ledray, R.N., PhD.
If you purchase this for you and your husband to read (there is a section after each chapter for the co-survivor, what you are now termed). My counselor told me to 1. read it at my own pace, 2. don't read it at night, 3. don't read it in my bedroom and 4. after reading it, do something fun. I'm sure you can figure out why she told me to do all these things and if not, then just ask.
I started having what I thought were yeast infections shortly after d-day of H's "1st" A. I would treat with Monostat only to have it recur. I thought it was due to the stress. I finally went to the Dr. to be tested for STD's and he was able to make a diagnosis by doing a test in the office. There are conflicting articles on it regarding whether it is an STD or not (depends on what article you read) It has been diagnosed in girls who have never had sex. In any event the Dr. gave me an antibiotic and I have not had an infection since then. (In my case I think it was sexually transmitted because after talking with OW's H I found out that she had been plagued with "yeast" infections for years. I don't think he ever told her about the gardenella.
“Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength.”
>So then it was like my brain that had believed one thing had to try to undo that and try to believe another. I compare it to watching someone die and then seeing them alive. Maybe not a good comparison, but you know what I mean.
I can identify, but in a different way. My wife initially told me that the sex in her affair was not fully consentual. She wouldn't call it rape however, just that it wasn't her choice, but she complied. She eventually started calling it a "manipulation", because she said she was manipulated into giving her consent.
That explaination has been changed. Today she says that it was consentual, that the OM did put pressure on her, and that pressure made it easier to give in to her desires to have sex with him. However, I often find myself, even after a couple of years of "reprogramming", slipping back into thinking that it was not fully consentual. I'm a little bit surprised that this happens.
How do you think this compares (similarities and differences) to a situation where one of your kids gives you an explaination (of something they may have done against the rules) that you can't confirm, have doubts about, but feel that you have no other choice to accept?
<How do you think this compares (similarities and differences) to a situation where one of your kids gives you an explaination (of something they may have done against the rules) that you can't confirm, have doubts about, but feel that you have no other choice to accept?>
I guess it is pretty similar to a situation like that, but on a much bigger scale. I just want to be able to feel the way about my husband that I used too. He tells me not to worry about it that everything is o.k. For him it is. To him it is all the same Nothing changed between us as far as he is concerned. For me it is not so simple.
Edited to add this.
I just wish that I could let go of the shame and the feeling that my marriage isn't as good as our parents, friends, etc. We truly had what I had always dreamed of......it is hard for me to see it as anything but shameful and inadequate now.
This message has been edited by lovemysons on Jul 31, 2008 12:48 PM
Life is NOT fair. Is what happened to your h fair to him? Was it worth it? Whether or not you to choose to believe he was sexually assaulted against his will, OR had a one night stand with some woman EITHER way HIS life has changed forever and NOT for the good.
I have learned that I had NO choice in my husband's affairs, but he sure did. He chose to ignore his family and vows for some fun with ANY body.
EITHER way I had to make a choice. I could choose to accept his remorse and go on with him, or not accept it, and go on without him. If I went on with him it meant I lost the respect of one dear friend, and society who said kick the bum out, once a cheater always a cheater.
If I chose to go on with him, then I had a truly remorseful former betrayer who had learned an incredibly valuable lesson and was proving day after day for the last 8 years that he would do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to earn my love and respect.
I have no regrets for the choice I made.
At one point during recovery I said I can not change what is past, but I can choose my future.
Love, therapy helped me to ACCEPT this choice. This was all that was in my power to do. Accept the past, and choose the future.
Therapy got me there.
What happened to both of you was not fair, and certainly was not worth it to your husband. He is hurting too not just you.
You really really need to take care of YOU and not expect him to pull some miracle out of the air. There is nothing more he can do except be remorseful that he DID lie to you, BUT considering he was never in the UNBELIEVABLE situation before he really did not know what to do, or who to discuss it with. He made a bad choice to lie, but he did. It is in the past. The future is now yours to choose. Keep on going like you are, you won't like you, he won't like you, and your kids will not have happy parents. So are you better off with him or without him? You can't control what your friends and family think. You can't control what life should have been. I thought I was in a fariy tale marraige.. I guess I was.. but I do know NOW I will always always trust my gut. What does your gut tell you to do?
I know that I have to accept the past the problem that I have is that I am sometimes not sure what I am accepting.
However, you said that you would always trust your gut so I hope you don't mind me asking you a question. Did you have a "gut feeling" that your husband was cheating? The reason that I ask that is b/c when the Dr. Called me and in the 4 months after my gut told me that thier had to be another explanation. Even though I had this medical diagnosis something wasn't right. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I knew that there was more to the story. My mother said to me from the beginning that she thought there was more. So even though I was trying to convince myself that this is real your husband cheated on you....it still felt like somehow it wasn't possible or right. I just kind of chalked it up to denial...but it didn't feel like denial. You know? I guess what I am saying is that maybe my gut has been right all along meaning that I knew from the beginning that he didn't do this. As I have said before there were no affair behaviors, no disappearing, no unexplained late arrivals, he called me during his break, lunch, break again and usually on his way to and from work. The only think that I was worried about was him being so sick all the time.
Also you said that my husband made a bad choice to lie to me. He regrets this deeply, but also says that he didn't feel like he made a choice to conciously lie that he didn't know how to say what he needed to say.
I also don't want you to think that I am miserable all the time b/c I am not. I guess I need to write here on the days when I am feeling pretty good as well..... I don't hate my life, but I DO hate that this was part of it. Today is a GREAT day so maybe you can "hear" the difference in my post.
I know I shouldn't expect a miracle but I KNOW I could let go him not coming to me b/c that wasn't his fault, that was based on a traumatic experience that had nothing to do with me or our marriage or our children. He doesn't deserve to be labeled an "adulterer" if he is not. He shouldn't have to work so hard at repairing a marriage if he was the victim.
Anyway, I hope to hear from you again. I always like reading what you have to say.
I am heading out for a girls night! A couple of friends and I have started doing them once a month to give us some time to talk about something other than Sponge Bob!!!!
