is a common thread here from BS and the reluctance of the WS to reveal all is often a huge barrier to recorvery.

The need to know is not just curiousity IMHO, it is a very real device of self protection for the BS.  In not knowing everything or having all your questions answered you are living in an abandoned mine field and there will come a day when you will step on one of the mines. 

My personal experience - After the 1st A we were on the road to recovery and doing well.  The movie Jerry McGuire finally came out on video and I rented it the first day and was watching it when H came home from work.  I was at the scene where Cuba Gooding Jr. was celebrating in the end zone and I started to fill H in on the reason why when he said something like "I know...yada yada yada"  I turned the movie off.  I was stunned and waves of emotional pain flowed over me.  He could not comprehend why I was so hurt, he actually tried to tell me that we had seen the movie together in the theater!!!!  He had taken the OW to see the movie whilst I was away with the kids.  Although that event had happened in the past, the A was over, and we were recovering, for me it was like it happened yesterday because it was yet another lie unearthed.  That little slip of the tongue, that warped memory of his, was stepping on an abandoned mine and having it explode underneath me.

IMHO a marriage in recovery is like walking through an open field and that field has to be as clear as possible of every destructive device that may have been buried.  If not the mine will explode in the future in some way shape or form.  They may think they are protecting you from pain by not answering your questions, or protecting themselves from pain and shame, but everything eventually comes to the surface.  In answering your questions openly and honestly at the time you ask them they are protecting you and clearing the field ahead for a safe and secure journey for the road to recovery and the rebuilding of your M.

Good luck to all those, no matter what stage of recovery you are in.  You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

BTW, 14 years later and I was finally able to watch the end of that movie.

My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny. ~Elaine Maxwell~

I like the example of a minefield. Good analogy I'm glad you finally got to see the ending. That's progress!

This was a keeper post! I am more than 9 years past d day and your words were not only a trigger but a healer for me. As I read I kept saying yes, yes YES! I have felt that pain. Then when you compared it to a mine field, (or was that mind field)
I really felt it. Powerful writing, powerful healing.

That is exactly why we need the answers. We need to know that there is no danger ahead because each piece of info that we are not prepared for brings us right back to that freaking place of hell. This was a very emotional weekend for me ( not affair related) and there were times when I cursed my H out as I compared the pain of d day to this weekend. There was NO connection, except the feelings. There was no way to explain it, I just felt it. And there was no logic. However, reading your post made me felt so understood. It is the sanity I always feel here. No matter what the topic someone who has lived this pain will help you to understand it. Your words brought greater understanding and that always brings more healing.

Thanks for your hard earned words of wisdom and loving kindness.
EL

it warms my heart that I could be of some help to you El, your response brought tears to my eyes.  I have not posted or written much in the past year post divorce.  Although I lurk at times, I have found myself drawn back to HH in the past month and it just hit me that it was about two years ago that I found HH.  I am finally in a place where I can offer postive and encouraging posts again.  Even though my M has ended I have eternal hope for everyone at this site trying to recover.  If anything I have learned can be passed on in a positive manner I will continue to write.

My will shall shape the future. Whether I fail or succeed shall be no man's doing but my own. I am the force; I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice; my responsibility; win or lose, only I hold the key to my destiny. ~Elaine Maxwell~

Well, I don't know the OW2's name or what she looks like. So I have minefield out there. It's one I think won't ever be uncovered, at least I hope not. I just seemed better to me to have fewer triggers around. Allowing her to exist in my field of vision as a trigger seems to me to give her way too much importance. I know OW1 is only now starting to fade away after 2 1/2 years. Even with my little myspace incident a few weeks ago she is slipping into oblivion rather quickly. As I face bigger and bigger triggers and fears, I wonder if I should unbury the minefield. What would it really gain? Keep the minefield from exploding only to be shot at by 1000 triggers?

I can't contact her even if I know who she is - that is "no contact". What's the point?

And, how do we know what to ask when we can't believe what they did in the first place? What restaurants did you eat at that you paid cash at, what store did you shop in, did you go to the movies, what did you see, etc. etc. You know in that first few months my husband was so sure I was going to leave I know he didn't want to reveal all and just give me more ammunition to embarrass him with his friends and coworkers. And, later on the details just seem to be harder and harder to uncover, "remember", and maybe I just don't want him thinking about it in that much detail. I'd rather him be focused on our future.

Has anyone intentionally not asked for certain known information only to regret it later? Has anyone asked for information they later realized they simply could have done without?

The only thing I think is what if it was a friend or a friend of a friend and I find out later through some weird twist of fate. It's unlikely, but you just never know. Could you imagine going to a party and introducing you husband to someone and they just stop and look at each other...every thing slows in the universe....and you just know they know each other and there is no reason they should. Well, its still incredibly unlikely to happen.

I'm talking in circles. Forgive me.

Thanks for your post Cat.

EXCELLENT post Chris...well written my friend

~ CAL
"You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection" ~ Buddha

Thanks Chris. Just wanted to add, the moment when my H truly came out of the fog (it was a long slow process with 3 D-days) was the moment when HE didn't want any secrecy any more, when he wanted me to know everything because he didn't want there to be any lies between us. He also likens it to a minefield and says he doesn't want there to be any unexpected landmines for him or me to walk on. Somehow once he was willing to tell me everything, there wasn't so much I needed to know.

I think it's all about teams: the team of WS and OP vs the team of WS (or FWS) and BS. During the affair, the WS is playing on OP's team and BS is the opposition. In recovery the BS has to feel that s/he is now on the same team as the WS and OP has been left out of the team. Exposing the secrets is part of creating that feeling of unity which was destroyed by the A.